Notes: Rated T for rampant bad language and sexual themes. This chapter talks a lot more about the storyline it covers, despite everything. Also, the titles have nothing to do with the content of the chapters. In reality, the title of this chapter is in honor of the latest icon I found for my collection.

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Ownership: It Smacks of Cow Rape

Sasuke had many questions on Naruto's methods and content of his administration of Konoha, but it was rare that he would voice them. The reason for this wasn't only because Sasuke was naturally retiring personality, but also because Naruto's answers tended to be incomprehensible at best.

"If the Godaime had only Shizune as her assistant, why do you need three assistants?" was one example.

"What three assistants? I thought I had only counted two," Naruto said as he calmly stamped his seal on several mission documents, leaving them with the chakra signature of approval. It was, by now, the only job that Sasuke could not do for him, because the stamp reflected the wielder's chakra in its seal, proving that such a document truly came from the Hokage him/herself. The trick was that both the stamp and the signatures were actually easy to tamper with. However, what anyone couldn't do was duplicate it.

Signatures were sometimes damaged through transport, requiring it being standard practice to have orders or messages to be resent or wait for some other personal confirmation.

And so, the Hokage's seal was a very important one. It was common enough knowledge that every academy student (and a few civillians) knew that. What wasn't common knowledge, however, was the fact that the seal stamper itself was actually very ordinary. It was said to be have been an heirloom passed down since the Shodaime, but Naruto had confided to Sasuke that it was just a "really pretty inkan." Even if he had used the same inkan as when he was a jounin (everyone had their own), it would still show the "hokage" design when he stamped with it. Such was the power of the office of Hokage, but no one needed to know that.

There were literally dozens more secrets embedded within signature seals, but basically, the moral of the story is that everything came down to appearances. Only a fool would assume that everything was as it seemed in a shinobi village (especially given how laid-back they were when they weren't fighting), but one couldn't also discount the simple fact that Konoha was filled with fucking weirdos.

And Sasuke had to remind himself that he was dealing with one now. "What about Sakura?"

Naruto didn't even bat an eyelash. "What about her?"

"...You don't need me to tell you that she'll be pissed to hear that you don't consider her an assistant after all the work she's done."

"And I don't need to tell you that if you tell her that, she'll beat you up (before she gets to me), because that's a total lie. I think of her as my own right hand."

"I'll bet, wanker."

"You shut up or I'll tell her you're thinking nasty thoughts about her."

For reasons neither of them quite knew, their teammate was used as a threat so often that it had become a game between them. With the way they did it, they could almost replace Sakura's name with the phrase "your mom." Most of it was meant in purely jest, but some of them were outright tattletale threats.

The problem was that they could only do this when she wasn't listening, or they both knew that those threats would come true and then some. As a result, this was yet another secret they kept to themselves. (Later they really did use 'your mom' to mean 'Sakura' and continue their verbal sparring in front of her, who would look at them like they were batshit crazy, but that's another story.)

"Then what about Konohamaru? He was another jounin that was just minding his own business before you came along."

Konohamaru had had the misfortune to have known Naruto well enough to actually be able to read his handwriting. This was not as simple of a skill as one would think, because anyone else that knew Naruto demanded that he submit his mission reports verbally, and not written. As a result, when Naruto needed someone to help him with his paperwork (that is, someone else to write down what he said when it needed to be ledgible later), Konohmaru was volunteered.

Sakura's case was quite different, as she was already used to henpecking the then Hokage-to-be-in-training, and it was a smooth transition. That is, until they found out that there was so much paperwork that Sakura couldn't take it all on herself. Hence Konohamaru.

Naruto's smile was cheerfully pleasant, if slightly marred by the show of sharp teeth. "He's the other assistant."

And lastly, there was Sasuke. Who really was minding his own business (he had enough problems as it is) until he gradually became Naruto's primary and most important assitant. Sasuke was pretty sure that his glare (not to mention killing aura) was, by now, threatening enough to alert the ANBU (who might or might not care, depending). The Hokage, on the other hand, didn't seem fazed by it as he stood up, leaned over the desk to pull his best friend close by the lapels of his vest. His expression could only be described as leering.

"Slave labor. You're my bitch, slave."

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"Oho, I see you've may become a man yet. Tell me, who was the ninja that beat you up? Was she pretty?"

Of course Jiraiya knew that it was a ninja. Only a ninja could use chakra well enough to cause a bitchslap enough damage to leave face aching for hours. Naruto inwardly cursed Sasuke for the thousandth time. Didn't he know that there were already tons of rumors surrounding them and their non-existant relationship?

Of course he did -- that was why he did it! Fucking bastard.

And it wasn't like Sasuke had girly hands, either. (Which made him grateful to the fact that Jiraiya ignored such hints. This wouldn't save him for when everyone else saw him, however.)

"Yeah yeah yeah. She was a knockout, but also a total bitch. What do you want, ero-sennin?"

Next time he saw Sasuke, he would pay him back for that. Oh yes he would.

On the ass.

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Sakura laughed her ass off at both of them when they went out to dinner that night.