This fiction contains offensive material. Please do not read without an open mind.
THE DEEDS OF SAINTS
chapter three: i'm not my body
Bodies are packed against one another on the floor. Their heads move hypnotically with the bass line. I get the feeling that the room is twisting around us. The music is loud and echoes in my ears. My body fills with it. It's notes mix in my stomach with the alcohol. I've got my arms in the air and a beer swirling around in my hand. I doubt I'm walking straight, but I want to dance. God, I just wanna dance.
Soi Fon is swimming against me. I feel her moving between my legs, her hands moving in circles, squares, pentagons and just all fucking shapes. She leans her front onto me, her chin resting on my chest and says, "We should get out of here."
"Oh yeah," I say. This is when Ichigo pushes his way through the compacted mass of sweating bodies. He grabs a hold of me and leans too far to his left.
He says, "Renji!" He's slurring. "Red Renji." And he falls onto the ground.
Ichigo and I are waiting outside a convenience store. He's on his hands and knees vomiting in the small lot. And I say, "easy, easy," as he fights with the bile in this throat. Soi Fon comes out from the store with a loaf of bread and an extra large coffee.
We're walking because I'm too drunk to drive. Ichigo nibbles on some bread. He's probably worried he'll get sick again. "It's just to sober you up some," I say, drinking the coffee. "Guess we can't bring you home."
"No!" he blurts out. "Not home. Can't go there. There's someone I gotta see first." He laughs. "Got-ta-see. Come on! Follow! Mush!"
"Keep it down," I say. Soi Fon curls her arm around my waist, so I offer her some coffee.
"Here! Yes, this is where I wanna go. See? This house. I want to see!" he shouts.
"Alright, alright. Just calm down, ya fucking light weight." I say. He knocks at the house. Light footsteps rumble behind the door. We're all looking into the small peephole. The door flies open and we're greeted by a pleasant, girlish smile.
"Kurosaki!" Orihime says. "Renji? And…?"
"Soi Fon," she answers.
"Oh," Orihime says. "Um, come in."
It's warm inside the house. "Can we crash here tonight?" I ask.
"Oh, sure. Just please don't break anything," she says shyly.
"Orihime," he says. "I gotta tell you something." He's a tad more articulate now. "But not in front of these guys. That alright?"
"Oh," Orihime says. She pauses. "Yes- yes, of course!"
"Just watch he doesn't trip up the stairs, eh Orihime? He's a little tipsy," I say, calling after their retreating forms. Once their gone, I feel an arm about my neck, tugging me closer.
"I've been just dying to see more of you," Soi Fon says. "Ever since I first saw you." She's lying on her back, hands above her head. Her legs rub against each other as her feet dig into the couch. I crawl on top of her, the cushions dipping under our combined weight, but mostly mine. Her tiny hand creeps into a fraying slice in my shirt. "You're quite the fit one, aren't you?" she says as her hand rolls over my stomach.
"Yeah," I say bringing my mouth onto her neck. Her body presses against mine. Her slim legs are wrapped around my waist. She hums against my neck.
"You have anything?" she breathes. I pull away and look at her. "Protection?"
"No."
Her fist nails me in my right shoulder and she throws me off of her. I smashed into the coffee table. "Then forget it," she says. I stand up. My body doesn't feel a fucking thing. I'm still too drunk, but the bruises well be there tomorrow.
Soi Fon slid her hand into her tight pants, creating a bulge at her crotch. "You can watch if you want," she tells me.
"Fucking addicts," I say. I make my way up the stairs. I fell twice, adding to my morning bruise count. I've seriously got to use the bathroom, but I've got no fucking clue what door it's behind. I open the nearest to my right, a closet. Fuck. I keep walking down the hall. The next door, I swing it open. It ain't the bathroom. It's Ichigo and Orihime, half undressed and humping. She notices me first and screams. I feel my eyebrows rise into my forehead and my mouth tighten into a frown. Actually, Orihime's pretty hot.
Ichigo looks up at me, his hands jumping off her breasts. He opens his swollen mouth and I say, "Lock the door next time, ya moron." And I shut the door and keep looking for the bathroom.
…
I wake up on the floor, in front of Soi Fon's couch. The couch she defiled. It's hers now. Secretly.
My cheek is pressed up against the damp rug. My body is stiff, my joints aching but hey, at least I still got my pants on. I have no idea where my shirt is though. Soi Fon is still lying on the couch, her eyes half open. She runs her scrawny, little hand in my hair and calls my name.
"Yeah?" I say.
"You get sick?" she asks.
"No," I say.
"Me neither."
"Hey… this friend of yours, the one who defected, why are you trying so hard to find them?"
She sighs. "I want to kill her." I'm all interested now.
"Really? Why's that?"
"Because," she says, "I loved her." Her hand curls around my neck. "And she betrayed me."
"For the criminal captain?"
She doesn't answer. About this time, Orihime walks in. She looks surprised to find us. She flushes up to her hairline when her eyes meet mine. "Have a good time last night?" I say. Her eyes are brimming, glossy and juicy. "How'd ya like it, eh? Bouncing on that fat, hot slider of his? He ruin you for any other man?" She squeaks and runs out the front door. I can hear her footsteps fading along with her sobs.
"Wow," Soi Fon says. "You're an asshole." I know that already. I take pills for it. Her mouth stretches into a yawn and she hops off her couch. "I'll go remind her of that," she says.
"You don't even know her," I say.
"We're both girls."
"So?"
"We relate to each other. I don't have to know her to understand her. All women are sisters. That's just the way it is."
"Whatever."
"I'll be back with the girl in an hour. Don't still be here with Kurosaki."
"Got it babe."
She disappears out the door and I start peeking in rooms for Ichigo. I find him in the same room upstairs, passed out on the bed. I poke him between his shoulders and he rouses.
"Ah, Renji?" he says.
"Yup," I say. "Renji."
"Fuck. What happened last night?" I look around the room; then kick Ichigo's discarded jeans at him. I point to his bare ass from the doorway and he yells, "Fuck!"
His head is hung low, his nape outstretched and bare against the chill. His hands are tucked snugly in his pockets as we walk toward his house- the black bastard in pursuit.
"Why'd you have to befriend such an ugly dog?" he says bitterly. I look back at the black bastard. He had a gaunt look in his face and his ribs popped out through shaggy patches of sticky fur. His lumpy and unnaturally arched spine would probably reach my mid thigh.
"He's not so bad," I say.
"Looks like a friggin monster."
"Eh," I wave a dismissive hand.
"Renji?"
"Hm?"
"We're friends right?"
"Course."
"So," he says. "You'd tell me if I did something real stupid, right?"
"Don't need to be friends to do that."
"Alright, so, um, last night, do you remember what happened? I mean, you know… with me and…?" He's flushed and looking away. I could break this to him gently.
"You totally fucked Orihime, dude."
"What?!"
"…You really don't remember?"
"No."
"Too bad. That'd be something I'd want to remember, you know, if it were me."
"This can't be happening."
"Well," I say, "was there come on the bed?"
"What?"
"You know, spunk."
"I know! But- I don't know. Why?"
"Well, it's not like I got a good look at you two or anything. I accidentally walked in- sorry bout that by the way, but I dunno, maybe you two just looked like you were doing it."
"So you don't even know then?"
"How would I? Not like I was gawking."
"But were we… naked?"
"You were."
"…Fuck!"
"Hey," I say. "So since we're friends…"
"What?! What could you possibly want?!"
"Buy me breakfast?" I walk behind Ichigo and the black bastard walks behind me. "I'm hungry," I say.
…
"You didn't have to buy me the cheapest breakfast available," I say as we sit in McDonald's.
"It's a good deal, full of fat and calories too. So really, it's like your eating half your total calorie intake in only a few bites," he says.
"I don't think it works like that, Ichigo." I bite the deep-fried sandwich. "You didn't even get us anything to drink."
"Don't complain."
I scan the area, searching the tabletops. On the table next to us, just out of arm's reach, is sitting garbage waiting to be cleaned. I get up and pick through it. I find a soggy cup and shake it. Empty, mostly.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he says from behind me. I go over to the refill machine and dump the melting ice into its drain. Popping the lid off, I fill the cup to the brim with red juice. I grab a fresh straw and sit back down across from Ichigo. "You're disgusting," he says.
"I think I saw a half eaten burger on the table behind you," I say. "Can you grab it?" I shake the brown paper bag. "Put it in here." Ichigo leans over the side the bench and grabs the half-burger by the paper wrapping. He drops the greasy bun into the bag.
"Just don't eat it in front of me, okay?" he says.
"I'm not gonna eat it. It's for the black bastard."
"The who?"
"My dog."
"Oh, the monster? I figured it would eat babies."
…
Nothing will ever fall neatly into place- ever. This is a rule of the universe. You see, nothing is given to you entirely for free. It's like this: Everything is free, but with a catch. It's like a bad advertisement. It's the same as "buy a laptop and get a free mp3 player". Only there's a small star at the end of the statement and below is the fine text, which says 'with the purchase of this certain laptop and this certain mp3, you can qualify for a $299 rebate'. You have to buy them both to get the rebate. So I'm wondering, which one is really free? Sign up with this bank and get a free toaster and the fine print says, "with a deposit of $3 000 or greater."
This applies to everything. Your parents give you a body, mom delivers you into the world and it seems free, but now you have to take care of the body; just like the puppy you asked for.
You never realize how much of a pain in the ass it is; and it's this way in relationship too- especially in relationships, because everyone wants something for nothing. Everyone wants to be loved.
"That is not coming in my house," Ichigo says, pointing at the black bastard.
"It's just a dog," I say.
"That is not just a dog."
"Alright, alright! He'll stay outside."
It's early in the afternoon and Ichigo's house is empty and completely silent. "I'm going to shower," he says. He directs me into the den. "You watch television and stay out of the fridge." He disappears up the stairs. I feel like all I do is watch t.v.
I didn't even notice when Ichigo came back into the den. The blinking lights of the tube had memorized me. A million pictures were flashing into my eyes, and all of its power was at my fingertips. I am the God of this television set.
"Renji!"
I see a cowboy.
"Renji!"
Now it's some hot chick with a shampoo bottle.
"Fuck! Renji!"
Hm. It's supposed to rain today.
"Renji!"
Is someone calling me? "Ichigo?" I look away from the screen. He's a little red in the face. His hair is towel dried and his clothes smell fresh. Oh, yeah and he's straddling me.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! I was standing there and calling you for like a fucking hour!"
He's straddling me.
"Renji!" he yells.
"You're straddling me."
"I'm not straddling you! You dumb ass!"
He is, though. I shake my knees and he rolls off my lap. "Watch television," I say.
"Oh, fuck no. No more t.v. for you. You get too friggin weird." He pries the remote from my fingers and the screen goes black. No more cowboys. We're sitting on the couch. We sit for about five minutes. The place is still dead silent. I guess we're the only ones here. Ichigo starts to squirm beside me. His knee and elbow nudge me as he fidgets.
"What?" I say. "You want attention or something?"
"What?"
"Stop pokin' me."
"I'm not!"
We're silent again. A thought scuffles around in my mind. Of course, I'm not the kind of guy who can gauge answers for himself. I have to ask. So I ask, "You really like Orihime or something?"
He frowns. "Honestly, I don't know."
It bothers me. Fuck, it really bothers me. Him with her, and I don't know why. I guess you could call Ichigo a best friend. Maybe I'm jealous? I've never been good at this whole 'looking within one's self' shit. Hell, there has never been much to look at. I get this feeling in my gut and it's like I'm afraid. By the time my mind catches up with my body, I'm already crawling on top of Ichigo. He's looking at me with crunched brows, wide eyes and a crooked grin. It's a pretty messed up expression and I got no clue what he's thinking until he says, "Are you gay?"
And I say, "no." It's true, I'm not. I've never looked twice at a guy. So then why am I on top of him?
"You must just really like me then," he says, staring at me. His warm hands come around my body, curling around my neck and waist. My blood beats harder.
"I'm going to blow your fucking mind," I say, moving my mouth onto his neck. "That girl's got nothing on me." I'm going to rip him away from her arms. I don't care for people. I do what I want, and fuck everyone else. But, there's this part of me that's stuck and I know that I'm attached to this boy. It's fucking messed up, but it's true. It's all I'm holding onto. Fuck Orihime. Fuck that stupid girl. This is mine.
I tug his shirt off. He calls my name on his huffing breaths. His body leaps under my touch as I drag my hands down to his hips. He's straining under his jeans. As I unbutton him I ask him, "How do you like it?" He hums in his throat. I reach into his open pants and grab onto him. "If you aren't gonna say, then I'm just gonna do whatever I want." He makes fists in my clothing, grabbing and pulling. He writhes under me.
I reach into my back pocket. I have lube. Soi Fon gave it to me last night when she planned on screwing me. Things didn't go as planned and I ended up forgetting I had it. I take the thin bottle and spread the jell between my two fingers. He doesn't even notice. I slide my hand around him. A dude's g-spot is in his ass. I also learnt this from Soi Fon. These are the advantages of having a sex addict as your friend.
I squeeze a finger into his ass. His head tilts back and he opens his mouth wide. I can't resist. I shove my tongue into his mouth. Our lips meet roughly. I pull my finger back a ways before pushing it in further. His brows press together at my intrusion. I rub my coated finger on his hot walls, with a subtle bend of my index he yells, "holy fuck! What was that?"
I grin at him. "Your prostate." His chest rises and falls quickly. The sound of his short, rapid breaths can probably be heard from the next room. Looking down, I notice he's quite erect. I grip onto his dog and give it a small squeeze. He lets loose a kind of whiny noise, as take him into my mouth.
I'm not thinking. I'm just doing. I suck on him hard, up and down. I'm just a machine performing. His ass clenches around my fingers and his hips are shaking, resisting the urge to thrust back into my throat. I lift my mouth off him. "You can," I say, taking the opportunity to catch my breath. "Just don't choke me." He nods and I position my mouth over his swelling, purple dog. His muscles flex and his hips jerk up and hit me in the mouth; the tip of his dog brushes against the back of my throat. My jaw is open as wide as possible trying to accommodate.
He grabs onto my head, his fingers twining in my hair. I hear him groaning, whispering my name. I think my nose is leaking. He starts thrusting quicker into my mouth. He hits the back of throat each time. He gives me a word of warning before he reaches his climax and shoots his load. I try to swallow it, but there's so fucking much of it. I pull my fingers out of his ass.
I felt his spunk leaking between my lips. Some of it trails down the corner of my mouth and I wipe it off my chin. I watch as Ichigo breathes deeply through his nose. He looks at me and I can only imagine what I must look like. My hair is tousled from his fists; my nose is definitely leaking; there's semen leaking out of my mouth and I feel a sheen of oil on my skin. I take quick, shallow breaths through my almost parted mouth.
He sits up. His face is only a few inches away. "You're so fucking hot," he says. He brings his lips onto mine and presses hard. I kiss him back. It's like an automated response for me. Open mouth. Insert tongue. Move it around. His head moves lower and he bites into my neck. I cry out. Gasping. I actually really enjoyed that. Ichigo muses at my response. He looks completely satisfied. He's mine now.
"I have to see a therapist at two," I say. That's in ten minutes.
"I'm late for cram school," he says.
"We should go," I say.
"Yeah," he says. "Wait." He presses his lips together. "Why're you in therapy?"
"I have bad bones."
"Oh, really?" He doesn't believe me. His nails dig into my arms. It makes my lungs crave air. A sick desire stirs in me and I hate myself. "Why're you in therapy?" he asks again, his voice a low whisper in my ear. He bites down onto my shoulder, delicious and hot. Pain is an incredible thing.
I hear myself moaning, growling. I know he's smiling. His question rolls around in my head. His teeth sink further into my skin, bruising me. I'm at his mercy.
"I'm a bad person," I say. His nails drag up my arms. His mouth slides to my collarbone, his teeth scraping my skin. "I'm real bad."
"I believe it," he whispers. He pushes me onto my back, his hands pinning me, nails clawing me. My skin welts under his grazes and my balls ache. "Is this what you go to therapy for?"
"No. I go there to be good."
"Why doesn't Soul Society trust you?"
I have no more will left. "Because I tried to kill thirteenth company's stand-in lieutenant." Ichigo hops off me. He puts distance between us.
"What?" he says. I have no defense; I have no reason or want to defend myself. My body is limp on the couch. A small part of me cares what he's thinking, but it's drowned out by the cold. I'm a man full of dark roads, completely swamped in my own callous nature. There is nothing that I'm afraid to lose. I've been alive too long, eaten away by this numbing and stretched out consciousness. Devoid of my compassion and sympathy, I'm not empty or dead. I'm just indifferent.
Ichigo looks at me with those big, brown eyes. He's young and full of passion. He says, "Why?"
"For ennui," I say. "And to hurt." He looks away, afraid to understand, but understanding anyway.
"Just a whim?" he says. I nod.
"Just like everything else."
"And me?"
"Like everything else," I say.
…
Orihime and Son Fon are clasping hands in the hospital's gardens.
Son Fon's voice sings over to me, "Renji," she sings.
"Son Fon," I say. I'm looking around for the black bastard. I stole some bread for him. These two come at me with their conjoined hands. And I'm thinking, fucking chicks and their sisterhood.
"We want to talk to you," Soi Fon sings. "It's about Kurosaki. Privately, please!"
Fucking sisterhood.
I drop the bread into the flowers and follow the two inside, to a private visiting room. Their hands are still stuck together. They sit across from me and I feel like I'm going to be eaten alive.
"First, you'll apologize," Soi Fon says.
"I'm sorry." Simple. Done. Next.
She leans in, her small face curious under her choppy blue-black hair. Her thin lips pucker. She asks, "Have you talked to Kurosaki about you know?"
No lies. "I have."
"And?"
"He doesn't remember anything about last night and as for his feeling about her," I point at the quiet Orihime, "he honestly doesn't know."
"So you don't know what happened?" Soi Fon asks. I know she does it to taunt me. She knows all the answers. She holds all the cards- always.
"No," I say. "But you're going to drag me into it, aren't you?"
"Well," she says. An untraceable smile falters at her lips. "You're concerned about your best friend aren't you?" At this moment, I know I'm being recruited to perform the dirty work. Why don't women ever want to get their hands dirty? "Here's the full story. Ichigo and Orihime go up to her room to talk."
Yeah, because that's why you go up into a girl's room, to talk.
Soi Fon keeps going, she says, "Orihime knew Ichigo was a bit drunk." Understatement. "They don't talk for long because Ichigo forces himself on her. You walked in when things were heaviest. About a minute later, after you left them, Ichigo passes out."
I look at Orihime. "If you were being raped, why didn't you scream for help?" She turns her dark eyes away.
Soi Fon interrupts, "She was scared. So scared she couldn't even protest."
"Well, if she didn't say 'no' then it just sounds like she was asking for it," I say.
"Don't be such an asshole!" Soi Fon says. I shrug.
"So what do you want from me?"
"Just to be the go-betweener," she says. "Tell Ichigo what he did to Orihime. That he almost raped her. We're girls, so we're too shy. Plus, who knows how he'll react. He's stronger than us so we're not safe."
I frown. "It's not my business."
"Oh, Renji. Please?" Soi Fon sings.
"…I just gotta talk to him, right?" I say.
"Just talk. We'd be so grateful." I think she's lying through her teeth, but I have no idea what she's planning. It doesn't seem that important anyway, just chick stuff. "Oh, and of course," she smiles. "You have to tell us everything he said."
This is how I end up back at Ichigo's house much earlier than I intended. I didn't think he'd want to see me, not after yesterday's conversation, but it looks like he would anyway- or not, since he wasn't home. It was after four on Sunday and it looked like I'd have to search around for his spirit essence.
I'm grateful that I can't find him. For serious, how am I suppose to tell a guy that the chick he started moving on, while he was piss drunk and who didn't even make a noise of protest, is now claiming that he almost raped her?
Fucking sisterhood.
Was I missing something? Did this only seem ridiculous to me because I'm a guy? Am I being insensitive? Well, fuck, I am insensitive. So fuck it. Fuck Orihime.
I'm hanging around outside this evening, to make it at least seem like I'm carrying out the sisterhood's orders. For real though, I'm just sitting under a black fire escape. There's a rusty dumpster to my left, garbage bags to my right and steady rain above me. It drums onto the fire escape and drips neatly around me. I am the black bastard, sitting in garbage, hungry and unloved. I've got no sense of the future. I'm just like the stray dog. So much so that it scares me a little and I realize something. There are no happy endings. Not really, not in that fairy tale or romantic Hollywood sense.
Nothing just falls onto your plate; no one just loves you, or waits for you. We're all moving, oblivious and self-conscious. So if you want a happy ending, you've got to stalk it. You've got to snag it and stop it from moving. Otherwise, it'll just pass right by you. Maybe it'll look back, but it won't stop. It'll just bustle away into the moving bodies. You've got to chase what you want. You never just get it. Nothing is ever fucking easy.
And this why, that raining evening, I stood up and walked into the rain.
This was my favourite chapter!
Anyway, please reveiw! I'd love to know what you're thinking! Good or bad!
Please stick around for the conclusion!
Chapter four is the final chapter! I'll post it very soon!
(If I haven't already!)