3. The Expectations

3.1

"I'll be damned," Shuuhei said, looking at the sun, the blue sky and a few small clouds floating aimlessly. They were deep below the surface level and the sun was just as fake as everything else.

"Like it, huh? It used to be Urahara's private retreat. Renji hinted it existed, so I traded this best kept secret in Seireitei out of him. You could say we exchanged favors," Yumichika explained as if he was securing bargains like that every other day.

"When did you get it?"

"Two days ago. I had a hunch I might need it."

What he really needed was privacy, and in Seireitei there was nothing more expensive. The idea of showing off the extended features of his zanpakutou somewhere at the back of either of their divisions was the next best one after having sex in a public restroom. And while he was still on the sex topic, Yumichika wouldn't even begin to imagine the desperation required to consider using Urahara's retreat for that purpose. Totally, totally ridiculous.

Yumichika's rules were simple.

"I get in, assault all the receptors you've got one way or another, and get out, taking some of your reiatsu along."

"Uh-uh."

"There's a nice part that you're already intimately familiar with, and not so nice, but equally stimulating part that I'm not going to show you, because I'd feel like I'm cheating. I mean, every idiot can fight something he doesn't like." Yumichika bit back his ready to slip remark about Hinamori-kun being the prime example of an idiot that had fallen into this trap. Mentioning Hinamori in any context would have been a highly insensitive thing to do.

"Uh-uh."

"The longer you linger, the harder it will be to resist. I guess it won't be too scary if I try just to touch you. Well, you know what to expect, so it should be piece of cake for you."

"Touch? Uh-uh."

"It fits. The rest you'll figure out on your own."

Unfortunately, Yumichika's wonderful plan lacked specifics. Three seconds after he made an initial release, he saw a white flash and felt a bucket of icy cold water thrown over him. He swiftly checked his hands and clothes, and they were dry. It was just an illusion, he told himself, it wasn't real. After the next attack he felt that his hands were in some sticky and creamy substance up to the elbows. He irrationally hoped it was cake, for he couldn't see it. Again, an illusion. A few meters away Shuuhei smiled, looking like he was waiting to be praised for the homework well done, no less.

Yumichika said nothing.

Solid things were better. He actually felt as he was touching them, a fish, a brick, a stuffed toy, something very fleshy - he had a terrible suspicion - and was terrified to realize he was almost happy touching that, as opposed to the cold water shower.

Using kidou against Fujikujaku was the right approach, given that the opponent could pull it off. Fujikujaku's vines were locking on the transparent illusions that Shuuhei fed him time after time and Yumichika had to start the attack over. It wouldn't stop him in real combat, but now it meant a lost point, and he could do nothing, but try to figure out the moments when Shuuhei's concentration was at its low. This tactic paid off and Yumichika eventually grabbed his prey, held it for all the precious seconds he could afford, and then withdrew as promised. Was it worth all that ice and water? No way.

"You were right, Yumichika, your touch was not so bad. Let's see, if you can do it again," Shuuhei managed at last. That sounded layered, but Yumichika reacted without wasting a second and caught Shuuhei again. A kidou ball exploded into a myriad of white sparks that melted soundlessly on Fujikujaku's feathers. It looked pretty. It tickled too.

Then the iced water flew in his face again. It was not real, he reminded himself again. It was just an illusion, just an illusion.

"You keep shoving ice on me," he complained, smiling sheepishly, "Do I look that hot to you?"

Why hadn't he talked back right away?

Most of the times distraction worked, but sometimes it didn't. It also looked that his discomfort didn't go unnoticed for the amount of ice receded. He took this consideration as a positive sign, then he was touching the fleshy thing again. What the hell?

"Oh, Ran-chan, are these real?" Yumichika made a squeezing gesture with his free hand. "These are actually bigger than the real thing. Is that how your mind always works?"

Plus one. And a mental note to beat that image out of Shuuhei's head.

Then Yumichika got to give a flick to something that felt like a bald head. "I always wanted to do that to Ikkaku. Thanks for the opportunity."

"Why haven't you?"

"Somehow I always settle for a better option. You have no idea how much I can get in exchange for a kiss promise. A mere flick doesn't measure up to a kiss, don't you think?"

Plus one.

"Perhaps I should start promising..."

One point at a time. What could be easier? His panic attack was over and the control over the big picture was safely back in his hands. But for a moment out there, just for a split second, Yumichika thought he saw his own defeat. Of course, that was only an illusion.

Plus one.

3.2

"Onsen? Here?" Shuuhei got to his knees and touched the steaming water. He could do onsen, couldn't he? He had lost quite a bit of reiatsu, and now the onsen was tempting him. Yumichika, on the other hand, looked disgustedly invigorated.

"Yep. Now, you've got to choose, whether we do onsen, or have dinner. Due to the prior commitment I cannot do both."

The water was hot, just the way he liked it. Plus, there was the third option that Yumichika never mentioned - he could go home.

"I'm hungry," he heard himself saying. He was not quite ready to go home and face Yumichika-in-his-head taking control again. The real Yumichika was for some inexplicable reason much less intimidating than the imaginary one. Besides, even though his victory was still far away, he hadn't been a complete failure either. Perhaps the deal was not so rotten after all.

"Great. It's your treat."

Perhaps it was a premature assessment. "Why is that?"

"38:33. That's why."

"You counted?"

"You didn't?"

He did, Yumichika's counter was correct. Had they stopped fifteen minutes earlier, it still would have been his game. He didn't complain, knowing that fifteen minutes more, and the score would be much, much less flattering

They spent the next hour negotiating the terms, the timing, and all the little or not so little things that no one cared about outside of formal tournaments. A draw might look deceivingly nice, but one cannot get a free dinner out of it.

"I still see plenty of loopholes," Yumichika said midway through the dessert. "All I have to do is..."

"I don't want to know."

He didn't think he said anything funny, yet Yumichika burst into genuine laughter. "As you wish. Don't complain when I use them."

"Don't weep when I retaliate."

"If you don't want to see me weeping, then retaliate nicely."

Yumichika's voice didn't leave him any room for speculation regarding the meaning of retaliation. Yumichika shifted the meanings of the words with a sweep of his lash feathers and was still making himself perfectly understood. Had it been the first joke of the kind, Shuuhei would be slightly, or not so slightly, embarrassed. The second one would make him angry. The third one might be simply annoying. This was the two hundred and third Yumichika's joke with sexual subtext for today.

He laughed.

Laughter was the optimal answer as he had discovered paying with his own reiatsu for being angry, annoyed, or embarrassed. He had to laugh and move on, otherwise he had no chance of winning the next round.

"That Urahara's place, was it expensive?" he asked the first thing that came to his mind after moving on.

"Renji wants the dead fish. So the price is my assistance. You tell me how expensive that is."

"Dead fish? You mean… like sashimi?"

"I mean his CO."

"Oh…"

Renji's hopeless crush was no secret for Shuuhei. It just Renji never looked like he had enough courage to pursue it. And Renji's willingness to entrust his love life into Yumichika's hands made even less sense. Had Yumichika wanted Urahara's place so much that he went along with Renji's foolish dream?

"First of all, it's impossible."

"It's worth a try."

Where was this optimism coming from? Had Yumichika really thought it was possible to catch Kuchiki prince for Renji? "You're nuts. Both of you."

"Don't get too excited, you're going to help too. Otherwise I wouldn't have told you. "

"Absolutely impossible."

"He'll come to you for a second opinion and you won't have a heart to boot him out. Wanna bet?"

"And what am I supposed to tell him?"

"Doesn't matter. Free advice is never followed by action," Yumichika said, putting aside his napkin and his empty ice cream bowl, and standing up. "Now, if you excuse me, another installment is due today. Good night."

Shuuhei didn't answer. The meaning shifted again, he wasn't sure where, but still too close to comfort. He suppressed his anger for the time being, but was there any place left, where Yumichika hadn't stuck his curious nose yet? His dreams, as foolish as they might be, were not for Yumichika to flip through. His hopes... Wait a second, all Yumichika had said was good night, plain and simple, nothing else. There was no reason to get so worked up about it. One day at a time, he remembered his resolution, he couldn't handle more than that.

He asked the server for some paper and stayed in the restaurant until the closing time organizing everything he had learned about Yumichika's zanpakutou today. His inspiration partially came from the murals with giant octopuses that bore some distant resemblance to Fujikujaku. He figured that's why Yumichika had chosen this place, but then he saw the bill, and three division budgets spent in one day suddenly stopped being such an impossibility.

Tomorrow he would be dining here again. For free. No matter what.

3.3

Yumichika used plain words, short sentences, and even waited for acknowledgements. He was not to kill Renji. Ikkaku liked Renji, Yachiru liked Renji, and even Shuuhei liked Renji. If Yumichika were to kill Renji, they all would be very upset.

"Renji, you have nothing to be sorry about, and if you are not sorry, you won't look sorry."

"But..."

"Your transfer to the Sixth changed nothing."

"But he is..."

"Doable."

"But what if..."

"Are you dead?"

"Technically..."

"Don't you dare playing dumb with me!"

It was going nowhere. Renji knew the right answers to all the questions, but as soon as he saw his precious captain, he looked guilty. When Kuchiki was pressing, and it looked like nowadays Kuchiki was pressing a lot, Renji was short of folding and giving up. It was only a matter of time before the faint trace of interest in Kuchiki's eyes melted into disappointment. Once it got to mild disgust, Renji's case would be closed and archived. Renji was trashing his tiny opportunity and no amount of talk was about to stop it.

"You have to leave, Renji."

"What?"

"You have to leave Seireitei for a while. Otherwise he'll eat your soul for breakfast and forget all about it by the dinnertime. Volunteer for a ground mission, and that will get him something to think about."

"But..."

"Did you expect a fix by tomorrow? Were you somehow getting the idea I would be spoon feeding you catchy lines to impress him? If you want your sashimi-sama, fake won't cut. Listen carefully, Renji, for I'm not going to reiterate this. It's up to you, take it, or leave it. But if you slack on your homework, the deal is off. Now, Abarai-fukutaichou, if you please, get your fat ass off my futon. The mental images I'm getting from your tattoos do not exactly turn me on."

"Damn you, Yumichika." Renji hurried to the door, nearly stumbling.

Counseling was never rewarding. Yumichika had been there before. He would come up with a perfect, elegant, and not to mention beautiful plan, merely to see it thrown away the next day. Begging for advice and start questioning it immediately was imprinted in the human nature. That's why he set the price high for Renji. Well, enough of Renji, he had something more exciting to do.

Ikkaku found him charting the table of prospective wins and loses for the next few days. Tomorrow, for instance, he was going to keep the score on a losing side all the way and in the end win by exactly two points. On the day after tomorrow, he would try to do exactly the opposite. Last time he had that sort of fun when someone from the Twelfth division invented IQ tests. The poor guy actually dared to come to the Eleventh and try them out, which alone revealed more about his own IQ than any test. Then Yumichika showed up in the middle of the skirmish, rescued the talent, and confiscated the damn book. Passing the tests getting predetermined end results held his attention for a couple of days, then he presented the book to Yachiru. "Now I always know what Nemu-chan is thinking," Yachiru boasted a week later, "But Yumi, she's so dumb..." she added with disappointment. Granted, good education comes with a few drawbacks.

"Yumi? You're here? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. For your information, Ikkaku, I'm capable of having fun without sex."

Occasionally.

"Are you sick or something?" Ikkaku asked. "I've already started making up an excuse for your disappearance tomorrow."

"Continuing education."

That wasn't a lie, Yumichika's new affair had no chances to become another waste of time and effort. In the worst case boosting his shikai's intelligence would count as a very legitimate training. After all, he couldn't see anyone else insane enough to wait underneath his windows willing to trade reiatsu for his touch. That alone deserved some points.

"Huh?"

"That's the excuse. We're supposed to spend more on education, right? As opposed to alcohol?"

"Oh, really?" Now Ikkaku was getting it. "And pardon me asking, whose education are you gonna sponsor here?"

"You know, it's not too late, it can always be yours."

"Asshole!"

"He fed me."

"I've been feeding you every day for a hundred years."

"You never took me to The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife on your own."

"He took you out? There? Damn good move." Ikkaku sat silent for a minute, then let out a heavy sigh. "I'm going to hell."

"I love you, Ikkaku!"

"You only love my fucking money!"

"Your money is anything, but fucking money!"

They laughed together at another sweet moment from their distant common past. Ikkaku had held him in the air by the neck and yelled at him on the top of his lungs while he had been desperately trying to break free. He managed to kick Ikkaku in the balls and Ikkaku folded in half dropping him in the mud. The happy memory faded as Yumichika was sobbing and Ikkaku was cursing him to the infinite depths of hell. He supposed that meant that the money issues could always be resolved, if one just tried hard enough.