4. The Nosebleed

4.1

Wet and covered with blood, Shuuhei wished for the death to come and mercifully take him out of his misery, and Yumichika was more than welcome to finish him off, the sooner the better. There was no one else around to do the task anyway.

It had started innocently enough. Yumichika showed up ten minutes late and declared that today, for a change of pace, they would do nothing. "This day is just too good to be wasted under the fake sun, Shuuhei."

Granted, he was gradually getting better in reading Yumichika and his steep learning curve was nothing surprising, by the end of the day his reiatsu level was directly dependent on how well he could predict and interpret Yumichika's moves. He should have taken a cue then and do nothing on his own, but Yumichika looked so radiant that he couldn't say no. And even knowing for a fact that Yumichika was made out of nothing but ulterior motives, he could sense no such motive this time.

For a while they were doing nothing. "I'm going on a quest," announced Yumichika and went to chase butterflies around. Shuuhei sat on the riverbank and watched Yumichika's quest, reflecting on the summer end and other stupid things.

The butterflies were pretty.

Then Ayasegawa-sama had a delivery. "I like doing nothing in style," he explained.

Shuuhei would rather not know how Yumichika managed to get the ice cream delivered to the isolated wooded riverbank in the outskirts of Seireitei. Then the ice cream must have gone to his head, and he teased Ayasegawa-sama for being Ayasegawa-sama. And when Yumichika insisted on being properly addressed as Yumichika-sama, he was insane enough to try to find out what Yuu-chan and Yumi-hime would sound like. Yumichika noted with all due respect that Shuu-chan should be very careful about what he wished for, for he might accidentally encounter a river spirit that would be delighted to grant his wishes. He knew he was doomed then. Shuu-chan sounded sticky.

They ate the ice cream watching the water flow. He missed the moment when Yumichika moved from the declamation of a classic, but slightly out of season haiku about the red leaves of the fall returning to the sky, to the purely theoretical speculations regarding the possibilities of flashstepping across the river. The river was perhaps a waist deep at most and not too wide. And there were rocks protruding above the water surface here and there that were making it possible for shinigami to cross without getting their feet wet.

He wasn't sure who dared whom, but it was fun while it lasted. He supposed he shouldn't have laughed when Yumichika slipped on the rock, missed the bank by a couple of meters, and stood in the river with the water up to his knees. He supposed it was extremely stupid to slip on the same rock and slam into Yumichika.

Yumichika was not as skinny, as he had thought.

"You ruined my feathers." Yumichika's flat voice didn't match the confusion on his face.

"I did," he admitted, vaguely recollecting that breaking the feathers could be taken as a mortal offence. "You've got a blue eye and seaweed in your hair." And Shuuhei reached to take it out.

"Don't even think!"

He looked down and there was blood on his hands. There was blood all over and it kept running.

"It's coming out of your nose."

"Right." His vision went blurry, he knew where it was coming from. This was the end. "Right," he pulled away. Maybe it was all right he couldn't see Yumichika, he didn't really want to see Yumichika, let alone touch Yumichika. There never was a point in their deal, Yumichika could kill him with a well chosen word any time. Yumichika could take his victory, stick it down his throat and be gone to toy with someone else. Right.

The blood wouldn't stop. He sat on the bank, pinching his nose, and the blood wouldn't stop.

"I see." Yumichika placed a hand firmly on his forehead. "The excessive excitement caused your blood rush to the brain, where it didn't find anyone home. Therefore, the brain redirected the blood to be flushed through the nose. Case closed."

"The Fourth will be happy to have you."

"You think I should request a transfer? I'm too selfish for them, I cannot do anything for strangers, so they won't take me."

The idea of Yumichika transferring to the Fourth division boggled his mind. Then Yumichika removed his hand and he realized that the blood had stopped.

"But I'm a stranger," he said.

Yumichika didn't answer. He went back to the river to wash off the blood, then fixed his feathers and the blue eye and dried his clothes. When he finished, most of the bloodstains were still there, but Yumichika didn't seem to care. That logic made no sense, the damn feathers were important, and the blood wasn't. Shuuhei always used more reiatsu for removing the blood than for anything else, and today drying up properly was sacrificed, because he just couldn't concentrate.

"I'm hungry," said Yumichika at last. "Guess what, Shuu-chan? Since this was the most refreshing and not to mention enlightening doing nothing in my live, you're buying."

"Call me that in public, and I'll pluck your feathers."

Yumichika wore a smug look on his face for the rest of the day. By the end of the dinner Shuuhei started to think it was cute, but he still couldn't figure out what so enlightening Yumichika had found in his nosebleed.

4.2

Sometimes conversations just had to be mindless and casual, and Yumichika was letting Shuuhei enjoy a rare drop of pressure and simultaneously giving himself some space to think. They were spending way too much outside of their respective divisions and that meant running into more people with annoying habits to watch and gossip. Yumichika's stand on rumors was just as radical as his other practices. When most people were guarding their little secrets with the utmost care, Yumichika would make up a few conflicting rumors and launch them one after another, never forgetting to throw in a highly abridged, but essentially true version. The truth was normally first to be discarded.

Yumichika threw a glance around. Just as he thought, they were already getting some attention, but some people were actually staring rather impolitely...

What?

Yumichika looked back into the man's eyes and the list of the crimes sprung to his mind. Of course, it was not the whole list, just the highlights, but still unpleasant enough. First, the man was guilty of calling him Yumichika while thinking Ayasegawa-sama just because they had sex. Retarded. Honorifics were to be dropped because relationships evolve, and sex alone wasn't not enough to make a difference. Second, commenting that Yumichika looked like a girl, practically missing and ignoring an important part of Yumichika's body, the part that was even in plain view at the time. Third, meaning the aforementioned statement as a compliment, thus insulting Yumichika's intelligence to no end. The official version of Yumichika's discontent went along the wrong brand of chocolate lines.

The name, however, failed to come attached to the list of the crimes. Well, no big loss.

Yumichika was not the only one who was watching the man retreat.

"What the hell? He saw me!" Shuuhei said, rather confused.

"A friend of yours?"

"Friends don't run. At least not that fast." said Shuuhei and then added very quietly, "Everything has changed. And somehow I missed the memo that advised people against talking to me."

"I guess I'm that memo."

Shuuhei stopped. "What do you mean?" he asked, pushing Yumichika from the main street into the nearest alley. "What exactly do you mean?"

Paranoid.

"Simple. He saw me, got scared, and ran away. Based on the previous experience." Obviously, explaining the nature of this failed affair was out of question, but letting Shuuhei think that it was somehow his fault was not an option either. Not another guilt cycle, please, and not another mood dive. Yumichika had already seen a number of these. Yesterday it was a nosebleed, on the day before yesterday they run into Captain Komamura, and before that there was something else. Yumichika was able to neutralize the impact by turning the conversation to Komamura's hideous bankai, but his creativity was tried every day.

"That's ridiculous!" Shuuhei studied him cautiously as if sensing the bullshit that Yumichika was trying to push his way. "You might be intimidating, but not scary."

"Oh, thank you."

"Sorry."

That's right, back off.

"No offense taken, when you say what you think. And of course, I can be intimidating enough to scare people off. You should try it too."

"Still not scary. Besides, you're carrying a mirror around."

"You mean this mirror?" Yumichika took the mirror out and waved it in front of Shuuhei's nose. "What does it have to do with anything? Do I look like a girl to you? Is this what you're saying?"

Another careful examination followed, and Yumichika stepped back, regretting letting out his initial reaction to the mirror. After all, what if despite all his efforts he really did look like a girl to Shuuhei?

"No," said Shuuhei after considering the matter for some time. "No," he repeated, but refrained from sharing any further conclusions he might have drawn from Yumichika's telepathic signal.

"Marvelous. But I guess I'll have to show you some proof anyway."

"Not here! I mean don't, just don't."

"Actually, I was talking about scaring someone off, but I really like the way you're thinking."

And Yumichika strolled out of the alley, humming cheerfully, pretending not to hear half-suppressed curses that flew in his back.

Sometimes conversations just had to be mindless and casual, but Yumichika had a feeling it was time for a bet.

4.3

Matsumoto Rangiku was taking a half-day off without mentioning the fact to her sweet little captain. Of course, soon enough he'd find her here on the terrace of this small teahouse, staring in the empty cup, waiting for him, and he'd yell. That was their small private game. She felt wanted, he vented bottled up emotions, and they shared a moment of silent reassurance. It was a good game for now.

There was only one thing that bothered her. Two officers from who knows what division were staring at her from the next table working up the courage. After all these years she could recite their silly pick up lines before they would think them up. That would only destroy the piece of her mind and her captain would be here just in time for an ugly scene. Matsumoto just couldn't hurt his feelings like that. To make things worse, she was not wearing her badge.

She looked down the street and saw them. Oblivious to their surroundings, they were arguing in hushed tones, stopping every few meters. Even without hearing the conversation she knew Hisagi was wasting his time trying to outtalk Yumichika. But it also looked like she was present at a historical moment, because Yumichika finally lost his temper.

"I've shown you mine! You've got to show me yours!" he yelled for the whole street to hear and enjoy. The street froze and Matsumoto froze along with the street.

"Nice try! I'm impressed!" Hisagi yelled back. She was impressed too, Hisagi she knew at the very least would have noticed they were in a public place.

"Not nearly enough!"

"Is that a threat?"

"No! It's a promise!"

Now that was a threat. Yumichika looked away, but Hisagi didn't even bother to hide his contentment.

She smiled to both of them.

Yumichika noticed her first, caught her silent plea, and scanned the terrace for clues.

"Ran-chan," he exclaimed cheerfully. "What a lovely surprise. Do you mind if we join you?" She hoped they would.

"Shuuhei, how long?" asked Yumichika stepping behind wannabe pickupers.

It's Shuuhei? Since when?

Hisagi settled at Matsumoto's table in such a way that he could face both, Matsumoto's trouble and Yumichika. He studied the objective for a few seconds, then shared a look with Yumichika. The argument seemed to be forgotten.

"60?"

"Okay." Yumichika looked down. "Do you know who I am, officers?"

"Should we?"

These idiots must be really new.

"Excellent! Today is your very lucky day! Let me introduce myself..."

She'd seen Yumichika's performances before. Ikkaku costarred occasionally, but usually Yumichika went solo. And if the audience was right, he would go an extra mile, like today. Her presence, however, never made any difference. Well, she was not stupid, she could add two plus one. She turned to check Hisagi's reaction and saw him playing as well. Every time their targets were trying to look away from Yumichika, they would meet a particularly not amused stare of the Ninth division lieutenant and turn back. They were playing and she was free to discover them. Or maybe she was only able to discover them because she had a game of her own. Seireitei was the wrong place for the games. Maybe she could just take her captain, forget the paperwork, get away for a while, and have an adventure...

"...therefore, my subordinates have clear and precise instructions regarding the matter of assaulting Matsumoto-fukutaichou. However, none of them is around at the moment to provide you a free ride to the Fourth and some time off. That's the reason why you're so lucky. You see, I don't follow these boring directions, I write them, isn't it lovely?" Then Yumichika just turned the smile off. "Make yourself scarce."

And they did. Strangely it took Yumichka a whole minute. He could scare anyone off in less than ten seconds. Strange. Was it so long on purpose?

"64," noted Hisagi, expression blank.

"You counted too fast."

"We've measured it. How come you never complain when you win?"

They were ignoring her again.

"You wrote that damn gag memo!" Matsumoto could not only add one plus two, but two plus three as well.

"You see, Shuuhei, they never appreciate anything I do. It's never been a gag memo, Matsumoto, it's been a very real memo, and we've filed a fair number of incidents using it and we still keep filing."

"What memo?" Hisagi had no idea obviously.

"The memo about beating up Matsumoto's stalkers. It's just that the definition of stalking is broad. Matsumoto doesn't even have to be present, but it includes staring among other things."

"Staring? That's impolite," Hisagi nodded, "I can't say, however, that the measures are completely..." His eyes focused on her bosom and he blushed just enough to make her take her anger out on Yumichika. What else could she do? Another nosebleed and they would stick around for too long and then her ever jealous captain would be really pissed.

"How dare you using me like that?"

"The only thing I used is the language our thugs understand best. Face it, you were cashing in all the benefits." And Matsumoto had to face it, she enjoyed the silly way those idiots proudly stood for her. After all, she was just a girl.

"Damn you, Yumichika!"

"That's my thanks. I appreciate it, Matsumoto. Yamamoto-soutaichou also thought it was a gag memo until he saw the statistics. Guess what, cases ruled in our favor do not require any additional paperwork. The rest is irrelevant. By the way, how much time do we have?"

Can I ever hide anything from him?

Lying to Yumichika always led to immediate retaliation, she learned it the hard way, besides, she could already sense her captain's reiatsu. "None," she said.

"Then we'd better go." And they left.

At the very least Yumichika wouldn't charge her. She'd seen enough, including that under the table exchange of kicks. It was not her fault Yumichika had been in the mood for showing off. It was not her fault he'd gone soft and careless. It was surely was not her fault she'd caught them.

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Taichou! I have a terrific idea!"

4.4

"I don't know," Yumichika tossed his hair, skimming through the menu for the third time. "They can cook octopus in thirty-six different ways and everything appears to be delicious."

His companion looked over the top of his own menu, but said nothing.

"Note that the owner knows how to appreciate fine art, from the sign above the door, down to the names of the dishes."

"I don't see what the dreams of some fisherman's wife have to do with fine arts."

"That's a shame. You're missing out all the fine points," murmured Yumichika. Too bad this adorable ignorance wouldn't last. "I want unadon, they don't have it. That's a shame too."

"They're big on octopuses. Why would they have eel here?"

"Is this a rhetorical question, or you'd really like to know? Choose, I can tell you, I can show you, or I can do both. Your place, since Yachiru breaks through the barriers like they're never there."

Yumichika, however, was not about to explain the dreams of the fisherman's wife for the risk of downgrading Shuuhei's dreams. Fujikujaku had found the whole affair hilarious, despite of a snide remark or two on being compared to some brainless sea creature.

"I have no doubts you can. How about you decide what you're going to eat?"

Yumichika went back to the menu. "Still, thirty-six ways to cook octopus seems a bit forced to me." He shut the menu close, "I believe in delegation. I'll have whatever you have."

"That's called copycat, not delegation."

Yumichika didn't really care what it was called, as long as his cozy nest inside Shuuhei's head was getting warmer with each comeback. Nearly everyone assumed his jokes meant nothing. He let them. The words were to be forgotten, the images were to stay. He would plant an image in someone's head, direct its growth, or leave it as is and then see what happens.

Doing nothing was a full time job.

"So, that was your last word?"

"You blew your chance with that spectacular show in front of Matsumoto."

"I thought it was a good line. Everyone else thought it was a good line. You know, I cannot resist watching people's faces when their inner world is shaken by something they never expected to hear."

"You were not watching people! But, I'll give you credit, you can scare them off."

"People? Nameless seekers of free entertainment, never brave enough to make the news. Why would I watch them?" Now Yumichika was using his menu as a fan. He refrained from rolling his eyes, though, that would have been too melodramatic for the moment, but why couldn't he find out something without betting first?

"That's the reason why I'm not showing my shikai to you."

"What if I told you that I'd never really wanted to see it?"

"You mean you've spent four days begging for something you don't really want?"

Not quite.