6. The Timing
6.1
"Ah... Senpai, do you have a minute?"
He had a minute.
Well, Renji, you wanna talk about the dead fish? Shuuhei was so tempted to ask that, he had to bite his tongue. Must be someone's bad influence.
Three hours later, he fully appreciated Yumichika's warning, for he had taken some time to think about Renji and his captain. Renji was saying he didn't know what exactly he wanted from his captain and Shuuhei couldn't tell whether Renji was simply indirect, or it was a growing case of denial.
Shuuhei had had at least two lectures on denial already. He lived through the theory just fine, it was the practical part that drove him to the edge. "That's very unfortunate that you cannot move," Yumichika said then, slowly getting him out of his clothes. "That means you've got to get your reiatsu restored," he added dropping Shuuhei in the onsen with a big splash. "Some very delightful things might have happened to you, if you could move just a little." Then Yumichika sat by the water and went on explaining those delights in plain details… Wait a second, it wasn't about denial, it was about... Strange, he managed to remember every word, but the main point somehow escaped him.
"Senpai?" Someone was calling. "Senpai? You all right?"
"Huh?" He blinked. Renji was still here, waiting for his answer. What was the question again? "Er, sorry, Renji. I'm... fine."
Denial or not, that was of no importance now, therefore Shuuhei chose the tactical approach. If Renji didn't know what he wanted, he should stop worrying about the things he had no control over and concentrate on readjusting his target. Renji started out aiming at Kuchiki, but now, half way close, he had to target not Kuchiki, but the place next to him. To get there, Renji had to find the source of strength unrelated to Kuchiki. Shuuhei even drew a few pictures to help Renji visualize the sheer complexity of his problem. For some reason Renji understood better with pictures.
"Look, Renji. The moon, the land, and you're right here, between them. The closer you get, the harder the moonlight tries to blind you. You have to pretend you aren't interested, so the moon calms down and looks elsewhere. Meanwhile, you recharge and make your run. You'll know what to do when you get there."
Hopefully.
"Senpai," Renji still looked uncertain. "I sorta got that, but what do you think I should do now?"
"Well, I think you should leave Seireitei for a while. Sign up for a mission..."
"Actually, I'm already going ground. It looks like everybody wants me to go. It's not like I'm going around talking about him, though."
"I believe so."
Why the hell did you bother to ask me anyway?
Renji's visit made him lose his working mood, so he pushed all the work either aside or down, and went straight to the Eleventh.
"Do you want to bet whether Renji gets out of Seireitei?" he asked, accepting a cup of tea and resting his feet on the second visitor's chair.
"That's cheating. We both know he's going. What did you want to bet?"
"Well, I'm saving it for the next time."
"Next time?" Yumichika went around his desk to make a counter offer. "Well, I could think of something in exchange..." he whispered in Shuuhei's ear.
He thought he'd be all right as long as he pretended that Yumi's lips were somewhere far, far away.
The door opened and Ikkaku barged in. "Hey, Hisagi, I didn't know you came to visit. I woulda knocked." Ikkaku grinned.
"No, Ikkaku, you wouldn't. You expected me to be using your desk," said Yumichika, slowly pulling away. Too slowly.
Shuuhei chuckled at this highly impractical idea. Ikkaku's desk could be used for that sort of things just once. And under certain easily imaginable circumstances it would last less than a minute.
Ikkaku shook his head as if trying to drive flies away. "Like I care about your steamy make-out session. Taichou wants your ass right now. That's all there is."
"Your impeccable sense of timing, Ikkaku, never ceases to amuse me, but keep trying. Maybe someday you'll catch me. Maybe." Yumichika smiled apologetically to Shuuhei and was gone.
6.2
They do, don't they?
Ikkaku couldn't tell and it was driving him nuts. It used to be simple - a day for the dreamy look, two days for the disappearance, and five days for the depression over the loss of faith in humanity in general. The last five days were Ikkaku's.
Yumichika had broken that pattern. Theoretically, it was none of Ikkaku's business, and he wouldn't think more than twice, if it was one way or another. Too bad for Ikkaku, but it looked both ways to him. He was stuck. On stupid. Sure, Hisagi wasn't a shadow of himself any longer, but he didn't look like a typical Yumichika's slave either. As for that idiotic performance, Ikkaku knew better than anybody that Yumichika's mind-fucking mode could last indefinitely. After all, Iba was a living proof. It's not like he'd ever tell Iba... Damn, he should have taken a cue when Yumi said he had forgotten about their bet and back off.
"Hey, Hisagi, hungry?"
"Starving."
"That fruitcake will starve you to death, if you let him."
"Cake and starving don't go well in the same sentence."
Huh! They don't!
"Depends on what you gonna do with it, eat or have."
Ikkaku's not so subtle fishing attempt passed disregarded, so he just took Hisagi down to the division cafeteria.
"I've been wondering where all those food money go." Hisagi smirked ten minutes later, picking a stuffed shrimp sautéed to perfection. "Now I know. By the way, do you file alcohol for the division along with the food or as recreational?"
"It depends," Ikkaku scratched his head. "It's always too much to be dumped in one column, so if it's for a monthly birthday party, it's recreational, the rest goes with the food, and if it's still too much, then it's medical. Got to balance it right, or they scream. What, you threw a party?"
"Sort of. Since I was suddenly left in charge, I felt like celebrating. Wasn't half bad."
"Huh! You should see our birthday parties!"
"Hmm... And how do you file him?"
"Good question." Ikkaku bit his tongue. Direct lies were bad for karma, but mentioning continuing education was out of question. "It also depends," he said, trying to gain some time.
"I'd file him as a natural disaster," Hisagi said without waiting for reply, letting Ikkaku off the hook.
"We don't have a column like that."
"That's a shame."
Hell! They do!
Ikkaku couldn't agree more and tried to change the subject. One wrong word and disaster quite naturally would unfold right above his head. Yumichika would fly in and get in line within a minute. The ruins of the cafeteria would attract the rest of the crowd, and Ikkaku was not entirely sure the bets would be in his favor. Then finally, Yachiru would get his ass for the cafeteria. Quite a party. Suddenly Ikkaku was very, very tempted.
"Hey, you wanna go ground with us to do some butt kicking? Renji's got this ground mission and I don't wanna miss out all the fun..." Ikkaku's voice trailed. He couldn't see the meaning sinking in, Hisagi's expression didn't change much, but he could sense it. He had just squashed a helpless puppy and a little kid was looking up at him with teary eyes, accusing. Shit.
"They won't let me go." Hisagi said, seemingly unfazed. "My division only recently started functioning more or less normal and if I leave them now, they'll fall apart again. Thanks for the offer anyway."
What was wrong with this fucker? It'd be another stupid watch out, boring as hell like the most of them. He might hope for some good action, but he'd better get real, they'd be lucky to get any. In three fucking weeks Hisagi would get his precious little weasel back. Hungry. Better start stacking chocolate already.
It would be peace on earth for at least three days.
For me.
Hisagi smiled to him kindly before leaving and Ikkaku almost went through the roof from fury.
What? Threats?
As soon as Hisagi's straight back disappeared from the view, Ikkaku dropped his head on his hands. He saw his future and it looked bleak. Peace on earth was damn expensive.
6.3
"Where the fuck have you been all this time?" From the way Captain Zaraki glared, one might assume he was overly concerned about the discipline. Yumichika beamed back.
You've been missing me, taichou, haven't you?
"I'm doing a research," he announced, taking his usual chair.
"Huh?"
"I'm improving the image of our division that had suffered greatly during the recent unfortunate events. The expenses are filed under continuing education, public relations, and promotion of intercommunications between divisions."
"Interwhat? I don't wanna know…" Zaraki was surely not new to Yumichika's pseudo-businesslike code cracking.
Yachiru was eyeing him from her usual place on the pile of paperwork on Zaraki's table. "Is that the same research you stole papers from and interrogated the other day?
"Yep."
Zaraki rubbed his temples. "I didn't wanna know that either," he muttered.
Yachiru didn't pay him any attention. "Is he cute?"
No, Yumichika wasn't going to elaborate, that was his private research. Shuuhei was still in no condition to face Zaraki or Yachiru, especially Yachiru.
"Ken-chan, are you sure Yumi should go ground with Baldie?"
"Renji's got Ikkaku going ground? Count me in."
Captain Zaraki didn't look so certain anymore either. "You wanna go? You don't look like you wanna go. You look like you wanna do your research."
He wanted to switch his brain off.
"And let these retards run loose? When Ikkaku is with Renji, their combined stupidity increases ten folds. Add Matsumoto and they're doomed. And you know just as well as I do he'd be smart enough to hide from Hitsugaya."
"Ran-chan says it's fun to hide from Shiro-chan, because he always finds her. Always. It's so romantic, Yumi!"
He thought it was plain dumb, but Yachiru still thought dates were romantic. He couldn't help it, certain things Yachiru would have to figure out on her own, for he was never in the mood to fight the entire Women Shinigami Association.
"Is that so? By the way, Ran-chan is using you to blackmail Ikkaku. Do you by any chance happen to know why?"
Yachiru looked away. "I owe her some favors…"
"Favors?"
"Ken-chan, but I only owe small ones."
"How many?"
"27…"
"WHAT?" This time Zaraki and Yumichika were in complete agreement, 27 favors for Matsumoto screamed trouble, a major one.
"Don't get grumpy, it's all girls' stuff and I have lots and lots of tactical advantage. And guess what? Nanao-chan and Jyuu-chan owe me two huge favors. For the same thing!"
"Ain't looking like all girls' stuff to me..." Zaraki looked as if he was suffering from indigestion.
Yumichika was not excited over Ukitake and Nanao-chan's plots either. He was impressed by the ambition though, getting Captain Kyouraku out of his perpetual slumber was not a trivial task.
"Collecting on both sides? That's lovely! Got any from the dead fish-sama yet?"
"Don't call him that!" Yachiru pouted. "I'll never trade Byakushi! Never!"
"I admire your sense of loyalty. Who will you trade? No, let me guess," Yumichika made a dramatic pause. "Iba and Renji?"
"It's not fair! You knew!"
"I can get them both to do cleaning duty here every day for two years. Naked."
"Me too…"
"That's enough! I'm sick of your sticky mind shit… Wanna go? Then you're going. Get the details from Hitsugaya." Zaraki hesitated for a moment. "Now, get out of here and don't do anything stupid."
Yumichika paused outside of the Zaraki's office for just a second. He desperately needed his research to hug him.
6.4
Shuuhei remembered they had a war. The end of the world was about to knock at the gate and the Ninth division, just like all the others, had its share of drills and training. But in the universe created by Yumichika that war meant nothing. But both universes collapsed into one and he just happened to be in the middle.
No wonder he screamed. Silently. Then he used the orange line to get out of the Eleventh division and headed straight home.
Imagining the worst was easy, the worst came with the job. Their long lives were nothing but illusions that could be cut any moment. Get your soul eaten and not only you're dead, but off the wheel as well. Easy. Figuring out what would happen after the worst was close to impossible. His thoroughness backfired. He colored his future pitch black and the poison splashed back into his still fragile present. Some more self-beating and it was clear to him that he only needed Yumichika to keep busy. Yumichika had offered comfort and he shamelessly took it. The most convenient escape for the one so worthless he couldn't even stand up to all this unthinkable shit that had befallen on all of them.
That was the most disgusting line of thought he had in a long while. The conclusion came naturally.
"I hate myself," he said when Yumichika finally showed up. A shadow passed over Yumichika's face only for a moment, then a kind smile settled there. The kind smile was not new, it was reserved for complete idiots like him, but it was the first time he noticed the shadow. He tried to look at himself through Yumichika's eyes and his stomach wrapped into a knot. For a brief moment he wished for a nosebleed.
He deserved to be hit.
"I see," said Yumichika after listening to his confused and heavily edited explanation. "I see," he repeated, then picked up his bag from the floor and changed the subject. "I brought you my stash of Kuchiki's tea. Renji will get us more. Isn't it lovely? I believe in sharing!"
"You believe in extortion..."
Shuuhei sat on the floor waiting for the tea. It had been only five days since Yumichika learned the trick of using kidou to boil the water, and he knew that his presence in the kitchen was still distracting. But he felt uneasy leaving the conversation as is. Was it all Yumichika had to say?
Meanwhile, Yumichika was done. Shuuhei watched him filling the cups with that kind of automatic precision that fit better for pouring sake. It was silly to hope that Yumichika would tell him anything, so there was absolutely no point in asking.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Sex," Yumichika said without losing his tranquil expression.
Right. Of course.
"Can you ever be serious? Ever?"
Yumichika put his cup aside and rested his head on his hands. "I can tell you. Whether you believe or not is another matter entirely."
"Shoot away." Whatever it was he could take it. He owed Yumichika that much.
"I started by thinking that you are not that annoyingly slow any longer. I mean I still experience severe homicidal urges from time to time, but when you catch up, you look sort of cute. I figured this might be due to your intimate friendship with Fujikujaku. Perhaps, you've noticed..." Yumichika looked away for a moment.
"Uh-uh."
Fujikujaku's blooming had pushed his perception up, and Shuuhei couldn't ignore or deny it. He would curse it at times, while sensing disappointment of others, some brilliant minds went as far as to hold him responsible for not figuring out the whole conspiracy.
"Then I remembered something Fujikujaku had told me a while back. I must admit my zanpakutou has a very peculiar sense of humor. I still have doubts about his complete honesty..."
Yumichika stopped again, studying the cup's pattern. No wonder he was so reluctant. Despite of all the whining about hard times that no one took for a face value anyway, shinigami rarely discussed their relationships with zanpakutou.
"Hmm?"
"Anyway, he implied that you could taste sweet water with your penis... I was making tea and it all sort of connected. So I made a mental note to myself to wait for the right setup for you to disclose it…"
Somehow it made perfect sense to Shuuhei. "I guess, I could wait for the right setup to tell you. But! I'm not dipping anything in that cup, got it?"
He could wait. If Yumichika could spend his last day in Seireitei plotting his moves in the exact same way as he did yesterday, he could trust Yumichika to come back.
"And, now, just to illustrate the catching up point, how would you summarize my thoughts in one word?"
6.5
A tight ball of energy launched at him from one of the trees and Yumichika opened his arms to the impact. He never failed to catch his commanding officer when she felt like flying. She would land on Zaraki's back and stick to it, she would use Ikkaku as a trampoline to bounce off further, and Yumichika was to catch and carry her wherever she wished. On a good side, he was not required to cook up a fresh fairy tale any longer.
"You're late," Yachiru complained, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Late? The sunrise was only a couple of hours away. "Of course."
"I wanted to talk."
"Hmm?"
"Why do you want Byakushi, Yumi? I like him!"
"I don't want your Byakushi, sweet pea. Our stupid Renji fell in love with him. He was all right when he was with us, but now when the distance between them has closed, he doesn't handle it too well."
"Oh..." She went silent for a minute. "But Yumi! This is our Renji! We cannot let Byakushi hurt our Renji!"
"That's why our Renji needs a break. We don't want him to lose." Yumichika was also sure there would be plenty of hurt in the process, but Kuchiki was a risk Renji was willing to take, so be it.
"I know what to do! I'll talk to Byakushi! He won't listen to me at first, but I'll beat him until he does."
"Do you want him for yourself that badly?" he teased her.
"Yumi! You told me I was safe! I don't wanna grow up!"
"You still smell like a baby."
"And you smell like…" she sniffed a few times, "Weird."
"See, you're safe."
Yumichika wasn't surprised that Yachiru called his overflowing sexuality weird. He was leaking it the way other shinigami were leaking their emotionally colored reiatsu. Yumichika had never blocked it, filling and modifying the space around him. Confused shinigami were turning their heads when he walked down the Seireitei streets, unsure why they had a sudden urge to watch him. "Do I look like an easy fuck to you?" he snapped a couple of times just to remind the leering solicitors his division number. The guys were easy, but when Kotetsu-fukutaichou made a pass he was at loss of words, but again, the Fourth division had its quirks. The whole city had its quirks.
"I think Byakushi smells a little bit weird lately," Yachiru said after some consideration.
"Really?"
So that's how it went, the dead fish was not all that dead any longer. Yumichika's strategy, perhaps in conjunction with some other unknown forces, started to pay off. Kuchiki Byakuya had ideas, and it was just a matter of time until they turn into actions. This was a very good news indeed, it was just that Yumichika couldn't care less about Renji's problems at the moment.
In Yachiru's room the Eleventh division captain slept soundly on the floor. He was hugging a huge pink crab-shaped pillow and his dream seemed to be sweetly violent. Yumichika tiptoed around him and gently put Yachiru in her own bed. Then he covered Zaraki with a matching spare blanket. His captain never appreciated waking up in the middle of the fight due to some stupid night chill.
"F-fuck off…" muttered Zaraki out of his deep slumber.
And he did.