7. The Mission

7.1

The last few weeks had been tough on Kira. He had spent the time taking great measures not to run into any of his friends. Kira's wall of lies was quite effective against the nice girls with soft voices from the Fourth division, but he suspected he wouldn't be able to fool Hisagi for too long. Perhaps in the beginning, when they both were confused, he might have pulled it off, but not now. It was a miracle he still held his position. Had anyone guessed his true thoughts Kira would have kissed goodbye his career along with the whole Gotei 13. The uncomfortable truth kept bugging him – nothing hurt nearly as much as being left behind. He finally became a bad boy, just as Gin had wanted.

He still could hear Gin in his mind. Nasty. Rotten. Naughty. How he could be so stupid to think these words were meant to tickle? Too late now, Gin had used, poisoned, and discarded him without even bothering to clean after himself. Hinamori was the lucky one to have her feelings considered and Hisagi was the smartest of them all to keep his personal life elsewhere.

Kira looked across the table. Of course.

For Kira, who could see nine smiles of Ichimaru Gin where everyone else saw only one, Hisagi's personal life was written all over his face. For Kira, his friend looked as if he'd spent the last few months in bed, without any silly interruptions for sleep, food, or work. And when Kira factored in the efforts Hisagi was applying to keep the front cool, the real picture run beyond his imagination.

There must have been some truth in what people were saying - the most obnoxious shinigami of the Eleventh could make a paradise, but the seekers of it were thrown in hell for no apparent reason right after getting a glimpse of it. No one could figure out what they had done wrong, and not for the lack of trying. The conversation Kira had overheard not quite accidentally years ago came to his mind. Gin made an elaborate offer and Ayasegawa played an asshole, apologizing for three minutes straight, using the archaic expressions Kira was sure Gin never knew. The insulted smile had been glued to Gin's face for a whole week afterwards.

"I see you've been very busy," Kira said, breaking the silence that was about to become awkward. Hisagi, on the other hand, was too preoccupied to care.

"Eer... You could say that, I guess."

Maybe, just maybe, if Hisagi's mind was wandering elsewhere, visiting an old friend as soon as his new friend was out of the door wasn't his best option, because someone might get offended. Just a thought. Bad boys could be jealous, couldn't they?

"Everyone wants more dirt on taichou, but the way they look at me while asking all those foolish questions is the worst. I guess Ayasegawa's reputation keeps them away from you, huh?"

"Huh? What reputation?"

What reputation? Is this guy for real?

"Matsumoto busted you. I didn't believe her, but I believe my own eyes."

"And what do you see?"

"You look so lucky, I feel jealous." Kira bit his lip, admitting being jealous sounded too close to the truth for his comfort.

"Lucky?" Apparently, Hisagi never considered himself lucky. Had he always been that stupid, or it was Ayasegawa's work?

"You look well..." Kira stopped. He couldn't really say the only right word that came to his mind. "You look well," he repeated, but the missing word somehow made it across.

Hisagi coughed, but to Kira's surprise didn't blush at all. "You are basically saying that we've made the headlines."

"Not quite. The general public went along with other reasoning."

The general public wouldn't believe something that ridiculous, besides the general public wanted to trade Gin.

"And what reasoning would it be?"

"Promotion, of course. Matsumoto, Iba, Renji, do you see the pattern here?"

"I see the pattern," managed Hisagi after his tears dried up a little. Kira hoped to see at least some doubts about Yumichika's true intentions, but Hisagi laughed as if he had received a letter. And for all Kira knew, it could've been just that. A message.

Kira was getting messages every other day. Fresh dirt about Gin popped up all the time, the rumors circulated, exposing the web of lies. All he had to do was to match his own bits and pieces against them. Had he gone to Hueco Mundo, he wouldn't have to deal with it.

How can one believe a trickster?

"How do you know he is not lying to you?"

Kira still wished he had gone to Hueco Mundo. But it was not too bad as it was. And very soon it would be even better, the girls from the Fourth division, lots and lots smiling girls would whisper sweet nothings to him in his room with soft walls. He'd be free to think about Gin until the day Seireitei falls and then perhaps Gin would take him back or put him out. He wouldn't mind.

Please, let me go back to the blissful ignorance.

The reality snapped fingers in front of his eyes bringing the world back to focus.

"Do you think there's a way you could start talking?" asked the reality.

Slowly Kira nodded.

7.2

For a change their mission sucked from the start. They barely had found the place to stay, and then the things got hairy. Yumichika could safely state that this was the scare of his life. Well, one of them anyway. Upon survival, Ikkaku was forgiven as always, but Yumichika's sleep pattern was disrupted by the nightmares revolving around the lifting of a certain limit or, rather, keeping it firm. Ikkaku was forgiven for these as well. He could forgive Ikkaku anything, but dying. Ikkaku knew about it the same way he knew about nightmares. These so-called modern apartments were built without a privacy concept in mind.

"Stop it, Ikkaku, or I will kiss you." Of all the unbearable things in the world, quiet Ikkaku had no rivals.

Ikkaku had nerve to sneer. "I don't think so."

"Think again. Have I ever failed to follow up on the promise?" Yumichika gave Ikkaku time to recall some of the kissing incidents from the past. "Told you."

He had to kiss Ikkaku anyway and Ikkaku made an effort to act normal. In fact, Ikkaku tried so hard that when Yumichika's dream was about to become nice, it was cut abruptly by a friendly punch. "Looked like a nightmare to me," he was informed.

To Yumichika it looked like Ikkaku was begging for another kiss. On his knees.

Few days later he returned a favor making yet another murder attempt by holding a pillow to Ikkaku's face, because punching would neither shut, nor wake the snoring bastard up.

The only place where he could hide was the bathroom. Baths were so much easier to handle in the living world that he would take advantage at every opportunity. He would just turn the faucet, lock the door, put on the headset, and the circus would cease to exist for an hour.

"You could electrocute yourself!" Keigo tried to warn him.

"You mean my body would've been visibly and irrevocably damaged?" he asked, avoiding the technical term. Who would have thought that the sink was such a wrong place for a stereosystem.

"You'd be dead," the boy said.

Smart.

Was he subconsciously trying to ruin his gigai, so he could have an excuse for a short vacation? Honestly?

The school was full of revelations as well. Yumichika watched people as always and felt that the living world presented more wonders than Soul Society. After all, it was called living for a reason.

He was surprised, though, no one was hitting on Matsumoto. Finally, Mizuiru enlightened him, "She already has a boyfriend." Oh, another smart one. "You see, Matsumoto can have any guy she wants. Yet, she is always with that short kid and it's no secret. And they have this bizarre game going on. All the time. She's kinky. Kinky's cool. Matsumoto's cool. So she does what she wants and no one questions that. Besides, no one can offer her anything kinkier anyway. Got it?"

His thought that Matsumoto might have some minor trouble having him, but that fine argument was beyond the scope of the discussion. He got it. His initial impression about the living world as an interesting place was far fetched. Maybe it was not the world that mattered.

Following his fancy Yumichika discovered TV and it kept him busy for five days non-stop. On the sixth day he wanted some additional information from Keigo.

"When you watch the news, how do you distinguish what is true and what is not?"

"What do you mean? News is true."

"Oh, I see. I thought so." Yumichika turned the TV off. Keigo gave him a look and said nothing.

Smart and curious. Curious and smart. Perfectly balanced at zero level.

Yumichika swore he would never call Shuu-chan stupid, or silly, or anything of that sort. Never.

To put it mildly his small TV detour wasn't one of his brightest ideas. Watching historical dramas was especially rotten. Yumichika actually started to believe it was humanly possible to die again from laughter. He almost did. No, he couldn't die here, he couldn't get stuck in this horrible place in some helpless ugly baby body with no memories.

Shuu-chan might get a little upset.

A cold shower seemed to be the most appropriate way to start the next school day. The effect was just as marginal as Shuu-chan had warned him, but when he run into Renji his gloom evaporated on the spot. Yumichika counted till eleven, fighting the urge to grab the doppelganger, throw him from the school's roof, then squeeze his throat and demand to know what the hell he had done to Renji.

Renji was no longer unhappily, but sweetly in love with his captain. This new Renji didn't even remember he had ever been in love. When Rukia mentioned her brother's name a few times, Renji passed it without noticing. Instead, Renji wouldn't shut up about Urahara. Naturally, Yumichika put his most vague smile on and started listening.

Urahara.

"I have a very bad feeling about this mission, Ikkaku," he said a few days later, making sure no one could hear him, especially Ikkaku.

7.3

"I'm very sorry, Hisagi-fukutaichou, you cannot see her," he was told while being redirected through the Forth division. It had been all right to see Himamori in coma, but all the access was cut short within a day after she had woken up. Even Kira, who got lucky to listen to her, looked visibly shocked. Vile whispers about how she'd better stay dead were crawling around like snakes, but Shuuhei refused to follow the lead and label her insane. Even though Hinamori's will to live was almost non-existent.

"It's not advisable, Hisagi-fukutaichou," repeated Kotetsu Isane, throwing an intense glance up as if indicating whose decision it had been. Shuuhei didn't buy it completely. She poured tea for him and he automatically compared it with Yumichika's. No match.

"Besides, what would you tell her?"

That sounded more like her own idea. What could he say? Sure, if it was possible for something exciting to happen to him, a nice girl like Hinamori might be just as lucky someday. It was true, yet it felt so disgustedly phony that he felt ashamed. "Take her out for the octopuses, it would be perfect for the occasion," an annoying voice in his head suggested. "Shut up!" he almost yelled out loud. One couldn't take a girl there and mean nothing by that.

Would he be better off without Yumi-in-his-head talking to him? What would he wish for? A mission to redeem himself? Likely. And he would've ended up going ground as well. He would've been able to stare at Yumi every day, all he wanted, except that both of them wouldn't give a damn about it.

His vision went blurry.

"Are you all right, Hisagi-fukutaichou?" Kotetsu's concerned voice called him from yet another painful what if black hole he had fallen into and Shuuhei realized he hadn't been listening. Not a word. He was busy suffering, almost forgetting that by now he could manage the ground mission assault on his mind and get out. No doubts Yumichika would have babbled something offensive and he would have to give him a lecture on proper manners. And perhaps, leveraged to the ground with an armlock, one of them would start to care. "Good boy," Yumi-in-his-head approved his reasoning. "I'm not your dog," he argued silently.

"I'm fine, Kotetsu-fukutaichou," he said, smiling, wondering why he was here in the first place. The answer was presented to him when she dropped her papers and leaned too close picking it up blushing slightly. It finally dawned at him that Kotetsu-fukutaichou was interested.

Fabulous. He was not.

"I'm so clumsy," she said with a shy smile.

"You must be working too much," he played dumb. "You need more rest."

His escape from the Fourth, extensive curses muffled, followed shortly. Kotetsu-fukutaichou was not the first one and that alone was enough to enrage him. Where had they all been all these years? He didn't hold it against anybody, he couldn't care less either, but this sudden burst of interest bothered him. Was it happening because of Yumichika? "She seemed like a nice girl," pointed out Yumi-in-his-head, "and she's taller than you." "Shut up," he whispered, "Please, shut up."

He walked aimlessly until he found himself at the river where they had been doing nothing. The seasons changed, the butterflies were gone, and the color of the leaves floating down the stream was red. He flashstepped to the other side of the river. He would have never fallen, if he hadn't been so relaxed that day. If he could only go back into the moment when Yumichika so effortlessly stopped his blood and do something better than thoughtlessly slapping Yumi with his harsh words.

Shuuhei sat on the bank for a long, long time.

7.4

Even though the workflow in the Eleventh division was optimized to perfection, creating a false impression of never-ending vacation, Yumi and Ikkaku's share of work now belonged to Yachiru. Some of the current issues included the inspection of the wall that had been mysteriously destroyed on the night before. She figured it fast - the guys got drunk and cut through to get home using kidou, which would explain sudden memory losses as well. They were so predictable, one could consider them honest for all practical purposes. Yumi had told her that long ago, when they were still trying to make the whole deal with their own division work for them. The case was crystal clear, but the repairs still had to be delegated properly. She jumped to the top of the wall to pickup the signature of the party responsible for the ruins.

The Ninth division lieutenant stood on the other side of the wall. He was telling the ruins they were not lovely. And his imitation, still not as perfect as Baldie's, was not bad at all. Except Yumi wouldn't talk to the walls.

"Hi!" she flashed her shiniest smile, "Eeh... I think I'd better get it repaired before he comes back and calls us dysfunctional again."

Yumi's friend looked slightly embarrassed, but she offered him tea, and he accepted. That was a lucky day.

Yachiru had traded his name out of Ran-chan and then had her own private investigation. The goofy way Yumi looked was enough, but peeking into the expense reports didn't hurt either. Yumi's research appeared to be nice, and the good part was that now she could have Shuu-chan all for herself. How convenient. She took him through the long labyrinth of the division facilities to her small garden.

"Look, it's all mine! I got some trees, and flowers, and rocks, and chimes, and water, and fish, and even frogs. Everything! You like it? You think it's lovely?"

"It's lovely."

"Yumi had it made for me. He said I should grow up looking at something beautiful, and here it is." She laughed remembering the ingenious schema Yumichika used to build it. "Don't tell anyone, that's our division secret!"

"A division secret? I see." he repeated, blinking. Yachiru found his confusion adorable. No one would expect to find a garden in the middle of the Eleventh, absolutely no one.

"Yumi also taught me to read and write!"

"Really?"

"All of it. Ken-chan never had enough patience, but Yumi would go one kanji at a time until I knew them all. Then he got carried away and... Well, I can read Chinese too. He was curious when they'd notice. We stopped waiting long ago."

She could tell that Shuu-chan liked her garden. After the tea, he actually tried to catch a frog in the tiny pond and Yachiru took it as an undeniable proof.

"You gonna eat it?" she asked when he succeeded.

He quickly dropped the frog back into the water. "I don't think so."

"I got Baldie eat live frogs three times," Yachiru boasted. "And he knows everything about gambling. Everything!"

"How about Yumichika?"

Yachiru reduced into giggles. The image of Yumichika eating frogs alive made her happy. Someday she would win for real. Someday she'd come up with a perfect combination and win. And then Yumi would be proud of her, Yumi would be happy for her. Someday.

"He doesn't lose unless it's for tactical advantage. It's so annoying."

"I won one for real, I just don't know how," he said, staring into the water, "I miss his stupid games," he added bluntly and went after a frog again.

Yachiru hid her fists behind her back. "Hey, Shuu-chan, you wanna bet?"

"Let's make some things clear. I'm not eating any frogs."

Shame.

"You take me out every day for two weeks and call me Yachiru-hime, if I can get you on your back in less than a minute."

"And if you can't?"

"Then it's the other way around."

"Shuuhei-sama sounds nice..."

She was done in ten seconds.

"That was a stupid bet, Yachiru-hime," he said, lying on the grass and watching clouds.

"Ran-chan taught me tons, tons of useful things," Yachiru explained, blocking the view.

"I don't wanna know..."

She laughed for three minutes. He said it just the way Ken-chat would say it. Yumi's research was cute.

7.5

What they were doing here? They were supposed to collect intelligence on the enemy and getting played by Urahara was not on anyone's task list. Earlier today Renji had told him about his training for questions buy-one-get-one-free deal with Urahara, and it took Yumichika all the control he could muster not to strangle the redhead idiot on the spot. What had he learned exactly? Urahara got bankai? Really? Splendid. Would you repeat that, please?

Yumichika went to the kitchen to get some water. Some things never changed, no matter where they went, Ikkaku's casino would come along. They needed it more often than not. Silly Ikkaku, the casino had been all around, no need to bring your own.

The house always wins.

Ikkaku glanced up. "Fuck..."

"Why don't you keep the crap to yourself? You're ruining it for everybody," said Renji.

"Go on without me." Ikkaku dropped his cards on the table and went after Yumichika.

"What the..." Renji flipped Ikkaku's cards over.

"Wow! What kind of guy would let go of the straight flush and just leave?"

The luckiest guy in both worlds dragged Yumichika to the roof.

"What the fuck?"

Yumichika didn't answer. Where should he start? Ikkaku interpreted his silence in his own manner.

"I get it. We're stuck here like a fucking ikebana for two months. I know it sucks. Listen, Yumi, the girls go back and forth all the time. Why don't you take a couple of days off? Go home, get your fix, and come back, or get busy, so you don't have to think about..."

"No, you don't get it!" Yumichika cut Ikakku's speech short. "I'm pissed precisely because I don't have time! I got so deep sorting Urahara's shit, I cannot even have a quiet moment for a sweet fantasy without this slippery bastard showing up in my mind and messing it all up!"

Yumichika stopped, catching his breath, and then continued almost reluctantly, for he knew Ikkaku wouldn't like it. The bigger picture would ruin it all for Ikkaku.

"You might be right, I do need my brains to be fucked out. You're right. But if I go back, this shit, which by the way can start flushing any minute, will follow!"

And it will be a little bit too crowded.

"You want to hear it? Fine. The short version is that we are being setup up by Urahara to storm Hueco Mundo like we came up with the idea. As soon as he gets us motivation, he's ready to strike. The kids, cross manipulated from the very beginning, will go like one. And you and I will go because this bastard has the right timing and his strategy makes sense. That's it. But. But, Ikkaku, it's still a setup!"

Ikkaku shrugged. "Hueco Mundo? That's real cool. We ain't going."

"What?" This was the opportunity Ikkaku would normally jump to. Even if it was a setup. Especially if it was a setup. Ikkaku would walk right in the middle of a trap and make it explode into million pieces.

"You're stuck on stupid, Yumi. Taichou said we park here. When he says we go, we go. Hell, heaven, home, or Hueco Mundo, same difference. And tell me once again who the fuck is Urahara?"

Ikkaku was right. Same difference, but he was selfish enough to make a wish, marking home as their destination.

Meanwhile Ikkaku gave him a sidelong look. "Now, I really get it. You wouldn't last a day without someone to feed you, make your bed, or blow your... nose."

There was a small grain of truth in Ikkaku's words, the nose blowing part in particular sounded quite appropriate, but his dear friend completely missed another crucial point. It was entirely up to Yumichika to designate the right decision-maker for each job, and his swift judgement never failed. How long did it take him to make up his mind and entrust Ikkaku with his first task, ten seconds? Sure, it was not perfect at first, but Ikkaku was very trainable indeed.

"You know I believe in delegation."

"Yeah, sure. Whatever you say."

Then Ikkaku brought the beer and they watched the sunset. Ikkaku wouldn't let Renji join. "Sorry, pal, it's Yumichika's night out."

Half way through the night it occurred to Yumichika that over the years Ikkaku had also developed a strong belief in delegation.

7.6

"Did you think I was glued to Ken-chan?" Yachiru asked him, settling on his shoulder and accurately arranging the folds of her hakama. "I don't exactly enjoy running with my neck twisted backwards, and I like to inflict cognitive dissonance, Shuu-chan." She held a short pause, "In style."

"In style?" he repeated after her, experiencing a strong sense of deja vu.

"I don't care where we're going as long as it's that octopuses place."

That sounded in style, in familiar style. "How do you know about the octopuses place?"

She was willing to share this privileged information on a certain condition.

"Continuing education expense account? He's dead!"

"You promised, Shuu-chan!"

"Who said anything about telling him? The goddamn smartass is lucky he's there!" He sighed, "I won't tell, Yachiru-hime." What could he do? Continuing education did sound sort of funny. Yumi-in-his-head let out a short laugh as well, "What did you expect?"

"And just to make it clear, I'm not dating him!"

Yachiru looked puzzled, "Umm... and what are you doing then?"

"Eh... lot's of things." And he wouldn't list them to Yachiru. No way.

"I see. You're doing lots of things, Yumi's doing a research. That's dating to me!"

Research? No, not again.

He was still making a list of all the non-dating things that he had been doing, when they run into Iba. Iba stared at them with his mouth open for a few seconds, processing and then grinned in a particularly self-complacent way. It seemed he hadn't subscribed to the promotion theory either. "Hey, man, are you gonna grow bells or feathers on you hair?"

"Well, it's my hair, I can grow anything I want there."

Got any problems with that?

"You've found the right place, you've got spikes already, so it will be easy from there. I'm letting you on a secret, they all know everything there is about hair care." Iba looked over his glasses and lowered his voice, "Everything."

"You must be losing it," giggled Yachiru.

"I'm not losing it!"

"We could do you a favor, and help you out."

"You already helped Ikkaku out!"

"He is losing it," Yachiru whispered loudly in Shuuhei's ear.

Naturally, Iba promptly remembered an urgent matter that required his immediate attention. Yumi-in-his-head was amused, "I'll do you hair, if you go through today like a good boy." Nothing pathetic, the real Yumi would lose on purpose to do it. "A promise?"

Shuuhei did his best to go through the rest of the day. Yachiru turned the restaurant upside-down and then fell asleep in the middle of a phrase. He carried her back to the Eleventh where he handed her over to her captain, who was still working.

"Who would've thought you'd be that boring," said Zaraki. "What did she have?"

The words nearly stuck in his throat, "Octopuses and ice cream." Then he placed a box with Yachiru's take-out on the desk.

Zaraki, cracking jokes was a scary idea on its own, but it would have been impossible for Yumichika to serve under his command, if he lacked sense of humor.

"What's that?"

"She ordered it for you."

Zaraki raised a brow, gave him a long look, and Shuuhei felt that every thought in his mind was taken out and examined.

"I see. Let's drink it over."

Wait a second. Drink what over?