8. The Payback

8.1

"First, you're not moving any furniture around!" Shuuhei's finger pointed right to the spot where his brow feathers were attached, but Yumichika took no notice, his eyes were fixed at the sizable box under Shuuhei's other arm. Food. Yumichika realized he hadn't eaten since yesterday's morning.

"I'm glad you don't really expect me to move it back," he said.

If Shuuhei wanted to move his furniture back the way it was, Yumichika had no objections, but he had a hunch the furniture would stay the way he rearranged it. All four and a half pieces of it. Besides, it was prettier that way.

How had he got into this unappreciated furniture moving business? Well, making the long story short, he was bored out of his mind and Shuuhei wasn't there. One cannot really ignore those annoying hell butterflies that choose to appear in the most inappropriate moments. Therefore, the time that was meant to be spent on greetings was taken by sleep. On top of that, he woke up alone. For a while Yumichika rolled from one side of the futon to the other and back again, choosing the better side. He was out of luck, both sides felt equally attractive. The wardrobe inspection was next. He tried on nearly everything he found there and some things even twice.

Then he was bored again, and maybe little tipsy too.

"And second! You're taking my clothes off! Got it?"

"Splendid. Can we eat first?"

"Oh, right. You must be hungry. I thought you'd be hungry, so I got us food. It's nothing fancy, just a little bit of everything. It's not as good as your division's stuff I'm afraid, but not too bad either. I hope you don't mind, but if you do, I think I can send somebody for a takeout. Why haven't I thought about that before? I thought, I thought… never mind."

Whether Shuu-chan really meant "I've been missing you so much" or "I was scared shitless you might go home", Yumichika wasn't sure, most likely both, and he could bet anything that the list wasn't complete.

"I don't mind," he managed to say at last. "I don't mind at all."

"Right," Shuuhei run his hand through the hair, then asked out of the blue, "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking," he started, realizing that all the thoughts in his head were replaced with a fog, "I'm not all that hungry."

It must have been brain damage. Why else he would they stand, staring like a total idiot, unable to move? On a bright side, he was not suffering alone. On a very bright side, he was not really suffering. "You may stop hugging that box, Shuu-chan."

"Eh... Right."

Yumichika's rational thinking returned by the middle of their late diner. The theory was proved once again, sex deprivation led to cognitive disorders. Fix one and the other will follow naturally. Don't forget to add some fried chicken to speed up the recovery. Yumichika felt getting smarter with each bite he was taking, and the main question that had bothered him while he was away finally popped up.

"When I broke into your office, you were about to throw me out. Why didn't you?"

"That's simple. I didn't want to."

Yumichika tucked his bare feet under Shuuhei's knees to keep them warm and continued, "You've done millions of things you never wanted to do, yet you didn't throw me out."

"Umm… I guess you have a point. Well, on the day before my zanpakutou gave me a lecture. And among other things, he said that I could've easily blocked Fujiiro's attack. So I was sort of curious."

"Fujiiro?"

"That's what he said."

"Fujiiro?" Yumichika put his chopsticks down, "You do know what that means, Shuu-chan?"

"Sure. That's how I figured they had set us up from the start. Pretty clever, huh? Apparently, they have this exclusive zanpakutou club, where they challenge each other. I couldn't squeeze the bet terms out of my zanpakutou, though. It made me question his loyalty somewhat, but in the end I think I managed a nice bargain..."

What? Am I still dreaming?

"Who runs the club?"

"Who do you think runs the club?"

"I'm out."

"Thank him for me, would you?"

Like hell he would. Yumichika's inner world looked even brighter when usual, but he took no notice. Fujikujaku was running in circles through the meadow, complaining about Yumichika's lack of compassion and consideration, and Yumichika was chasing after him. Since it was not life-and-death, Fujikujaku could afford wiggling his magnificent tail right in front of Yumichika's nose.

"Fujiiro-chan!"

The peacock froze.

"Explain yourself!"

"Um... Where do I start?"

"I suggest you start from your pet name, Fujiiro-chan!"

8.2

The front of Shuuhei's yukata was drenched with blood. The front of Shuuhei's other yukata looked just as ruined. His nose was gushing blood again, and Yumichika in uncontrollable paroxysms of laughter was rolling on the floor. No help from there.

It didn't really matter, Shuuhei could always make some ice. Simple kidou trick and he had a piece of ice to put on his suffering nose.

"Wow," Yumichika stopped laughing. "Where did you get the ice?"

"Ran to the Tenth real quick."

The blood kept dripping and it felt weird not to feel embarrassed about it in someone else's presence. Yumichika finally took pity on him and placed a palm on his forehead. This time Shuuhei didn't make the same mistake, this time he caught and kissed Yumichika's wrist.

"Now I've got blood on my hands." Yumichika sat back on the floor. "Well, show me!"

"Show you what?"

"The ice making, Shuu-chan. The ice making!"

Yumichika had never been to the Academy, Shuuhei remembered, that explained his childish enthusiasm about some extra credit first year kidou. Well, if Yumi wanted to see ice making, he was more than happy to show.

Shuuhei poured some water in a bowl, set it on the floor in front of him and concentrated. Three fast successive strikes and the bowl was filled with ice chips. Yumichika looked like a kid who was taken to a lantern festival for the first time.

"I see! One to break the existing structure, one to apply the change, and the final one is to hold it all together!" Yumichika got a fistful of ice chips and watched them melt. "Interesting. You know, humans eat cayenne peppers to stop the nosebleeds, but I don't know, how it will work for shinigami."

"There is no way I'd bite into a cayenne pepper!"

"I bet, you will," said Yumichika, disappearing into the kitchen. "You don't have to bite into it, silly," he added, when he came back with a bowl of water for his own experiment.

Shuuhei was blinded by the first flash of the brightest white light, then there was another one, and the pieces of the bowl flew like bullets in all directions. Yumichika looked at his hands, then at Shuuhei, assessing the possible injuries.

He found none. "Good."

Green jellylike substance covered the mess on the floor, the walls and even the ceiling, not to mention the innocent bystander and the unsuccessful experimentator alike. Shuuhei wiped some of it from the cheek and tried to figure what it was. It was turning back into dirty water rather fast.

"It's green, because the bowl was green." Yumichika stated an obvious fact. "I see, it's not enough to have just water."

Shuuhei made a mental note to buy more dishes, when Yumichika emerged from the kitchen with another bowl. He threw a few pieces of the first bowl in it and tried again. This time Shuuhei didn't have to touch it to know what it was, and the room suddenly became very warm. Too warm. Was there anything besides sex on Yumichika's mind? Anything?

"Is this what I think it is?"

"Uh-uh."

"Wow."

"I'm good."

"I don't really want to rain on your parade, but you realize, I hope, that the change is not permanent. In ten minutes it will be water and sand again."

They looked at each other sharing the visual of the likely consequences.

"No way," said Yumichika finally and sighed.

"Indeed."

"But still, it's a wonderful gag material!"

"Meaning?"

"I was thinking about replacing taichou's hair styling gel, and I know just the right person for the job."

Shuuhei also knew the only person who would stay alive after a stunt like that. As far as he could tell, she could get away with anything. And Yumichika had certain limitations.

"Well, it's the cleanup time now!"

"Come on, you don't expect your guest..."

Too bad, the expectation song didn't work on him any longer. "What guest? I don't see any."

"I'm wearing your clothes!"

"And that argument supports my point."

He expected pouting, he expected a high drama refusal, but he didn't expect a smug look. That was a sure indication that he had done something right.

"I'll help you. But you'll make me a bath and rub my back for me."

He knew there was a catch somewhere. A lovely one.

8.3

"That's just nuts! His damned third seat told me he wouldn't dare to contact his fukutaichou unless we were under attack, or it was an emergency and my name was on his list. As you can guess I was not on that damned list, the only non-captain there was you. Can you get him for me?"

"Sorry, pal, you're not an emergency, and I'm not suicidal. If he doesn't want to be found, he doesn't want to be found. That's simple." Ikkaku didn't move an inch from his usual place on the gallery.

"Damn!" Talking to Hisagi was much easier than talking to Yumichika. At least Renji didn't feel like a complete idiot all the time. "And where is Yumichika? The guys told me he'd never even shown up here. I brought him his tea."

Five packs.

"Will you ever learn?"

"Come on, I won two bets out of seven. I just have to try harder and next time..."

"Right, next time you'll get it. I've heard it all," Ikkaku cut him. "You can leave the tea with me, he's busy."

"I know you can always find him."

"What part of 'I'm not suicidal' don't you get?"

Before Renji could find a decent answer, a messenger boy popped up in front of them. "Madarame-san, forgive me for bothering you again, but here is another note from Ayasegawa-san."

Ikkaku cursed, took the note, and read it with his nose wrinkled in disgust. "What am I? Fucking maid?" He turned to the boy, "No means no."

"Ayasegawa-san said Madarame-san would say exactly that. Ayasegawa-san also promised that in that unfortunate case he would do it to Madarame-san in front of Zaraki-taichou and Kusajishi-fukutaichou," recited the boy. "I don't know what it means," he added, turning red, "but Ayasegawa-san looked very determined."

It looked like Madarame-san understood perfectly well what it meant. Renji knew by heart the smooth string of curses that Madarame-san had for his best friend. The boy listened with his mouth open in silent admiration.

"You've got ten minutes, Renji, to write a note to either of them."

"You're telling me they..."

"I'm telling you nothing. You gonna write it or not?"

"I'll pass." There was no way he could write anything about walking in on his taichou jerking off. Renji wasn't even sure he'd dare to tell it, for he really did mind getting killed over that. Besides, even if Yumichika dropped whatever he was doing now, Renji had an idea what he'd say: "It's perfectly normal, Renji. Even that dead fish of yours has desires. And you've just missed a nice opportunity to be proactive." Forget it. He glanced at the boy who sat next to him waiting for Ikkaku.

"So, what do you think about Ayasegawa-san?"

The boy jumped to his feet, blushing again. "I... I... don't... Abarai-fukutaichou."

"Come on, he isn't here and I won't bite you." Renji knew that people liked talking about Yumichika, he just didn't understand why.

"Ayasegawa-san has a very commanding personality. He sent me here three times already and every time Madarame-san was getting everything Ayasegawa-san had requested."

"Mmm..."

"We're all very relieved that Ayasegawa-san is not interested in becoming our fukutaichou, though... that is in the future, of course, Abarai-fukutaichou."

"Huh? I wouldn't be so sure, he can always reconsider."

Once the Eleventh, always the Eleventh. That was an evil thing to say, now the boy looked almost scared. How long did it take Yumichika to line the Ninth division up?

"I suppose you could tell me where Ayasegawa-san is?" Renji had to try just for the sake of trying.

"Ayasegawa-san has a very commanding personality, Abarai-fukutaichou," repeated the boy very seriously. "Ayasegawa-san told me in detail what he'd do to me, if I were to disclose his exact current location. I'm very sorry, Abarai-fukutaichou."

"It's useless, man, we can't do shit against his in detail bankai." Ikkaku was back with a box that he handed to the boy. "Tell Ayasegawa-san I hate him very much," he added, placing a tea pack on the top.

"I did it last time, Madarame-san, and Ayasegawa-san said..." the boy paused.

"...the feeling is mutual," finished Renji. The boy nodded, bowed, and was gone. Renji could swear the little brat enjoyed every second of being at Ayasegawa-san's service. They all did.

Ikkaku was grinning, "I think this time Yumi'd come up with something better than spikes and bells. Too bad I won't see it, I could use a good laugh."

Ikkaku's gaze grew dreamy to the point where Renji couldn't stand it. He could never stand this ability to forget about any war the moment the swords were sheathed and the wounds were attended. And, for the record, he absolutely hated when Yumichika would check his nails before sheathing. Damn, they were in the middle of a major war here, and Ikkaku was counting clouds, and Yumichika was… better not even think about it. They unloaded the war troubles on Zaraki and didn't think twice about it.

"Anyway," Ikkaku shrugged. "Come back in a couple of days."

"Too late. I won't be here."

"And where'd you be? Hueco Mundo?"

"Shut up!"

So what, if he was going to Hueco Mundo? Huh?

"What? And the dead fish?"

"He knows..."

8.4

A pile of papers occupied his chair and Yumichika presumed it was his inbox. So he sat on the captain's desk. He and Ikkaku had been entertaining their knowledge hungry lieutenant with the tales about the living world since breakfast. He had a short break while Ikkaku was explaining fine details of shinigami self-financing, and then it was his turn again.

"Now tell me about TV, Yumi."

"Well, it works very similar to Aizen's shikai, but it's much more powerful. You see, in the living world people usually cannot use reiatsu, which means, they have to attain power using alternative methods. Consider this..."

The door slammed open and Captain Zaraki filled the opening.

"Where the fuck have you been? Forget it, I don't wanna know," he added quickly.

"I just needed some downtime."

"Downtime?"

"He was with Shuu-chan!" offered ever-helpful Yachiru.

"Shuu-chan? Three days? Who the fuck is Shuu-chan?"

"Ken-chan, you know Shuu-chan!"

"Do I? Ah, you mean that ice cream, cookies, and strawberry shortcake Shuu-chan of yours?"

"Yes, but Ken-chan, you got it all wrong! He's not mine Shuu-chan! He's Yumichika's Shuu-chan."

Yumichika rolled his eyes. They knew perfectly well who Shuu-chan was. They just couldn't resist making fun of him. But strawberry shortcake? Cookies? What the hell was going on here?

"Oh, now I see... Get the fuck off my desk."

"It's not like I'm doing anything on your desk..."

Captain Zaraki stared. And stared.

"It's flat, sure, and smooth too," Yumichika traced the surface up and down with a finger, "but it's hard and cold. In other words, your desk is utterly uninviting."

"Shut up!"

"It's been two months since he didn't do anything on my desk either," added Ikkaku in his most innocent voice, so it wasn't clear whose side he played this time.

"Asshole," said Zaraki.

"Asshole," echoed Ikkaku.

Yumichika reluctantly slid off the desk. "I've done nothing..."

It was entirely their fault. They started first. They really did. Had they not mentioned Shuu-chan, he wouldn't have fueled their desk fantasies. At least, not today.

"Shut up!"

"Whatever," he hissed and went to check the pile on his chair.

Zaraki in his turn checked his drawers. "We've got a transfer request for you."

"I thought we've established that transfer requests get filed directly into that bin," Yumichika responded automatically, meaning the oversized trash can beside the desk. His attention was on the papers in his hands and he didn't like them the slightest. To the restless bureaucratic rats from the First war meant more paperwork.

"Then file it there by yourself!" Zaraki sneered, put another sheet on top of Yumichika's stack, and said, each word emphasized, "I believe in delegation!"

Yumichika read the paper once. He read it twice. The meaning made it across, when he was reading it for the fifth time.

"Bankai? Since when exactly? Fuck! FUCK! FUUUCK! I'm gonna suck him to the last fucking drop!"

Captain Zaraki exchanged glances with his third seat.

"I didn't wanna know that."

"Me neither."

Yachiru pretended she heard nothing.

Yumichika didn't see them, his mind was exploding under the cascade of realizations and at the end he knew one thing only - he lost.

But! No one had to know about it. Right?

--------------------------------The End-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Not quite the end, but the rest of the series will be posted separately, for they can stand alone just fine. The direct sequel is called Piggy Bank. Thank you.