Title:Razor Candies
Rating:M
Author:Freeing Alys
Summary:It's funny how much a person can change in two years. Liley. Rated for self-hatred, self-mutliation, eating disorders, and lots of other stuff I may not be sure of.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT own Hannah Montana or anything/one affliated with it. That all belongs to Disney.
Author's Note: Another update! I just couldn't stop writing. :)

3. Release

It smells like metal. I had never noticed it. Not until now anyway. The razor is at my side again, but this time I'm in the very corner of my bedroom. Jackson is in the shower and I couldn't stop it before it came. It just rushed over me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I forced myself into the very corner of my closet-the regular Miley Stewart version.

I'm in the corner, my jeans around my ankles and blood is smeared everywhere. It's on my outer thigh, my hands, the wall beside me and the razor. It smells like metal. I cringe as I glance back down at my wound, it's a littler deeper then the last really deep one that I had made. It scared me. The way I couldn't feel anything, or the way that I dind't know what I was doing. Not really anymore. I just did it and it was deep and it stung, but the attack went away and I could think straight again.

I start crying and I wipe at my face, but that only smears the blood and it makes me cry more. "Fuck." I wipe the blood on the carpet, wipe at my wound and then pull my jeans back up. I had to be quick, I knew it when I went into it.

I wipe my razor off and leave it in the corner, the spot seemed to work. Maybe it'll do the same next time. Next time. I bite back a laugh as I realize I don't ever plane on stopping. Everytime I have an attack, everytime I want to hurt. It's what's going to happen. I'm not going to stop it.

I crawl out of my closet and walk to my bed, where my cell phone is sitting. Lily told me call her, she left a message, she sounded distant and desperate. The way that my own thoughts in my head sound like. I pick up my phone and dial Lily's number. I don't know what the hell I'm going to say to her, but I owe her the phone call back. "Hey." Lily picks up and she sounds a little upbeat.

"Hi." I say and I wait for her to say something. I wait for her to make sense out of what happened in her car.

"I'm sorry." She finally says and I don't understand what she's saying. I stand up, flinching at the new wound hurts and I pace my room.

"Why?" I asked her trying to get inside of Lily's mind.

"For everyting." Lily says simply and I realize that she isn't going to elaborate.

"It's fine…I mean you didn't do anything." I try, but I don't think I got through to her. I like her. I like seeing her, listening to her, being around her, kissing her.

"Mile…" Lily whispers and I know that she is begging for somethingn, anything to give this sense.

"I like you too Lily." I say back, it's the only thing I can thing of to say that will make her feel at ease.

Lily laughs and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. "What is this then?" She asks and I shrug my shoulders, even thought she can't see me.

"I don't know." I reply. I don't know how to make sense out of it. Everything was riding high, until she kissed me and then the disease took over. Now everything is confusing and messy. I think about to the car and what she said to me. I hadn't been able to get it out of my mind. "What were you saying about my dad, before?" I ask and Lily takes in a sharp breath.

"He says you spend a lot of time in the bathroom and he doesn't know why." Lily tells me and I curse mentally to myself. I knew he would catch on sooner or later. "What do you do in there?" Lily asks me and I don't know if I should tell her the truth or not. I don't know if I even could. "Miley?"

I realize that I've been quiet for a couple of minutes and Lily is catching on. "Nothing." I say and I know that Lily is shaking her head at me.

"Seriously Miley are you okay? This isn't because of me, is it?" She asks, her voice growing low and deep.

"No. It was before that." I start, but I stop myself as I realize I almost told her. I almost let it spill.

"Let's meet." Lily suggests and it sounds like a good idea, anything to take the heat off of me.

"Okay." I smile as I hang up my phone, but I still dn't know what to make of me and Lily.

HMHMHMHMHMHM

"What kind of lip gloss is that?" Lily asks as she pulls away from me, a smile on her face.

"Cherry." I tell Lily and she nods her head.

"I like it." She tells me and I smile back at her. I like that.

"Okay." I say and this time I am the one who kisses Lily. She groans into my mouth and I feel good for the first time in weeks. We understand each other and we are on stable ground, the bast place that we have been for a long time.

Lily pulls back from me and she smiles at me, her blue eyes sparkling. "This is good." She whispers and then she starts to kiss me on my neck. My hands shake as she moves long my jawline and neck, I want to pull away and tell her to slow down, but I love the feeling too much.

I bite down on my tongue, causing myself pain and I feel an urge to be in my closest again with just my razor. I bite down harder on my tongue until I taste salt and by this time Lily is back up at my face, kissing my cheeks and forehad. "You okay?" Lily mumbles near my ear. "Are you biting your tongue?" Lily asks pulling away form me, an expression on her face. One I couldn't quite read.

I release my tongue and quickly shake my head. "No." I pull Lily close to me and I breathe her in. She smells like rain forest shampoo this time. I close my eyes and think back to her bathroom and what it looks like. I imagine myself in there and the feeling comes over my again.

"O-okay." Lily says shakily and I know that I am scaring her. But it's not like I can really help it. I'm just scary now.

I open my eyes back up, push the thoughts out of my mind and smile at Lily. "You smell good." I mumble and then I kiss her on her mouth again not giving her a chance to answer.

I push my tongue into her mouth, for the first time, and I run my hands along her sides. Lily follows my lead and drops her hands to my thighs. She rubs my outer area and then she pauses and grabs onto me as I kiss her harder.

She presses into my wounds and it hurts, mor ehtne it ever had before. And she's touching them, she is causing me pain. I jump back quickly and off of her bed. I touch my legs and close my eyes. "Miley, seriously what's wrong?" Lily asks and I hear her stand off her bed.

I open my eyes and Lily is standing in front of me, her arms crossed over her chest. "N-nothing. I just need to get back. I have homework." I say, my lie sounding lame and stupid coming from me. I could never lie very well.

"Fine." She says, she thinks it's about her. She thinks I don't like her, but I do.

"I like you Lily." I say, just to let her know.

She glances at me and a smile plays on her lips. "Then stay." She urges me. She walks over to me and places her hands on my hips, just above my jeans.

But I can't even if it wasn't because of the diease or because of the fact that Hannah has a concert tomorrow night, and I need to go over the song list with Dad. "I have stuff to do. Hannah concert tomorrow. Coming?" I ask her, hoping she'll say yes. I always love to see her as Lola.

"Of course." Lily smiles at me and kisses me on the lips again. "Maybe we can actually talkabout this tomorrow." She says hinting at the fact that all we did in the last hour I had been in her bedroom had been kissing and running our hands through each other's hair.

"Okay." I breathe out, her shampoo scent still in my noise. "See you." I cross her room, leave quickly and race out of her room, to scared that if I stop for a moment I'll go running back into her room and I won't stop what I want to do.

HMHMHMHM

"So it's Nobody's Perfect, This Is the Life, True Friend, Rockstar, Bigger Then Us, Best Of Both Worlds and then we'll finish with that new song you wrote. " I watch as Dad glances down at the notepad in front of him and I nod my head. Hannah business has grown boring lately and I can hardly concentrate when he talks about it.

"I've got it Daddy." I promise and he smiles at me.

"Okay. You go get some rest, big show tomorrow. Is Lily coming?" Dad asks as I slide off the couch and turn towards that staircase.

"Yes." I answer him and I smile spreads over my face. I can hardly wait to see her again.

"Good. You doing okay?" Dad asks and I think back to what Lily told me and I promise myself to not do it in the bathroom anymore.

"Sure." I answer him and then I walk up to my room quickly, not wanting to accidently say something that will rat myself out.

I reach my bedroom, shut my door behind me and then I crawl into my closet. I don't really need to do it, but I just want to feel safe. And the feeling of the cold metal in my hands makes me feel safe. I feel tears spring into my eyes and I think back to my fourteen year old self and I miss her. I want to be The Old Miley again, but I don't even remember where she is. So it's impossible to think I'll be her again.

I clasp my hand around the razor and I let the tears fall down my face. "It's fine." I mumble to myself, but I know it's a waste of breath to tell myself that. I never believe it.

Without thinking I quickly pulled my shirt up and then started running the razor along my side. It stings and then burns, but I smile, liking the fact that the thoughts have left my mind now. I open my eyes and stare at the damage. It's a small wound, it won't be visible for too long.

I drop my shirt and stare blankly ahead of me, Lily pops into my mind and I just can't wait to see her again. She will distract me and I'll kiss her and not think about the razor or anything. It'll be a release.