Chapter 6: And If I Go, I'll Know, Forever Love
Alex closed the door behind her, and leaned her back against the door. She took a deep breath. Walking away from spending her first official night with Paige, sharing a bed with her, and waking up next to her in the morning? That was the hardest thing she had ever done. But she needed to. She needed to make sure that Paige wasn't just going to walk all over her. Incessant flirting with ex-boyfriends in Alex's presence was intolerable. Paige has her rules, Ellie has her rules, Alex needed her own rules. A picture of Paige and Dylan stared at her from his desk. She sighed, frustrated with her choice, and walked to the closet to find sheets for the bed.
Paige sat on her bed, elbows on her knees, propping her head up with her hands. She closed her eyes. Watching Alex turn her back on their first official night together, in the same bed, with the same blanket, the same everything? That was the worst disappointment she had ever felt. But she deserved it. The look on Alex's face as she said 'I'm going to sleep in Dylan's room tonight' was as transparent as it could be. Paige knew she'd messed up. She sat there, feeling helpless. What could she do to fix this? Her eyes caught the picture of Alex, shielding her face from the camera. She bit her lip, frustrated with herself, and walked to the mirror to take the makeup off of her eyes.
Once Alex had finished putting an old sheet on the bed, she threw herself onto it. Lying flat on her back, she looked up at the ceiling. A war raged in her mind. Questions launched full frontal attacks on her mind, while potential answers shot back. Does Paige even know what she did? Probably not. Maybe. Oh, she knows exactly what she did. Does she feel bad? Doubt it. Maybe. She's probably about to burst through the door. A hopeful pause, Alex raised her head in anticipation that Paige might actually burst through the door. No such luck. What would she do if Paige were to burst through the door? Should she welcome her with tears in her eyes, apologizing for her stubbornness? No. Definitely not. That's out of the question. Should she ignore her? Tell her to leave? Maybe she would try to talk to her? She had no idea. But she knew that she was not going to give in. Paige would have to come after her.
Paige lay on her bed, curled up on her side, staring at the picture of Alex that was tucked in the corner of her mirror. She should have been next to her. Paige should have had her arms around her. But she knew that that wouldn't happen tonight. She had gotten what she deserved. She recalled the night's events. Why had she been so keen to talk to, to flirt with, to joke with Jesse? Was she still attracted to him? She could find no reason why she would be. He was with Ellie, she was with Alex, and on top of that, the two had nothing in common. She had told Alex that herself. Paige couldn't decide what was best for her to do, but she knew she had to do something. Should she respect Alex's decision and grant her space for the night? Or should she charge in there and let Alex know that she cares and that she's sorry and that she messed up royally? The choice was so obvious.
Alex closed her eyes. She had given up hope that Paige would resist her silent treatment, and tried to clear her mind to get some rest. She would need it.
Paige lifted herself from the bed, took a deep breath, and headed towards the door. This was going to be a long night. She could feel it.
Alex turned over on her side. She was unable to keep her mind off of the way Paige looked at Jesse that night. It made her sick.
Paige's hand closed around the doorknob. She opened the door quietly, tiptoed down the hallway and pressed her ear to the door of Dylan's old room. Silent.
Alex had thought she heard footsteps. Impossible. It was just her mind. As soon as she had fully convinced herself that the footsteps were merely false hopes, the door swung open.
Paige stood in the doorway. Alex, lying on her side with her back facing the door, fought every urge she felt to move. She was determined to keep her composure.
"Alex," Paige's voice sounded desperate. Alex shuddered slightly. "Alex, are you awake?" She waited for answer that didn't come. "Alex," she said again. Alex fought the temptation. She had to play this right. "Can we talk?" Alex took this as her cue.
"What about?" she mumbled.
Paige sighed in relief, just happy to hear Alex speak to her, though the words were full of contempt.
"Alex, this is just wrong! We should be across the room, sleeping! Together! As a happy couple spending our first night as roommates!" The desperation in her voice heightened.
"Oh, really Paige? Cuz I think that that would just be wrong," Alex spat back. She had rolled over to her other side and was now glaring at Paige.
Paige looked up, smiling in disbelief, and shaking her head, brought her focus back to Alex. "Why? Alex, why? What could be wrong about that?"
"God damn it, Paige!" Alex pulled herself into a sitting position. "Can you for once in your life take some responsibility for what you do? You seriously can't tell why I'm angry?"
"No, I know..." Paige looked down, "I just..." Alex jumped at her hesitation. "You know what would be wrong with that Paige? The fact that while we would be sleeping in the same room, sharing the same bed; maybe I would have my arms around you and maybe you'd lean your head on my shoulder; but that whole time? You would be sitting there wishing it were Jesse, wouldn't you?" Her face was turning a shade of deep pink. The sound of muffle footsteps on the stairs alerted them that they were now alone to say whatever they want and not worry would Marco and Ellie would overhear.
Paige clenched her fist. How dare she question her feelings for her? Okay, she knew she had flirted with Jesse tonight but for God's sake, she hadn't asked him to move in with her!
"Alex," she said slowly and deliberately, "You know that's not true. I can't believe you would even suggest that! In fact, do you know? That when I was dating Jesse, every time his arms were around me, I pretended it was you? And I wished it was you? And a few times, I fell asleep there and when I woke up, I turned around, expecting to see you? And when that happened, do you know what I did? I went home and I stayed up all night, clutching that old movie premiere ticket, looking at pictures of us together and listening to that CD that I almost stole, wishing that it was your arms that I fell asleep in during boring movies, and your arms that would be wrapped around me in the morning," she paused, "I didn't ever want to tell you that. How do you feel now, Alex?"
Alex, whose eyes had been locked on her lap, looked up slowly, looking Paige in the face. Was she serious? Or was she just saying whatever she wanted to hear? She pulled her eyebrows down, as if it would help her understand.
"Why did you not want to tell me that?" Alex asked. Paige loosened a little at the absence of hostility in Alex's voice.
Paige opened her mouth to say something, but paused. She summoned the right words, then continued. "I didn't want you to know how much I need you." She looked down in shame, awaiting Alex's response.
They sat there in the silence. Alex's mind was at war again. She was finding it increasingly difficult to still be mad at her. In fact, she even found her reason for being angry silly. Here she was, mad that her girlfriend had been joking and goofing around with an ex-boyfriend when not even a week ago, his girlfriend had been lying in his arms, wishing she was in someone else's. Now that was a reason to be mad. This was not. But then she remembered the way Paige had changed her clothes for him. 'Well,' she thought, 'if I were to have seen Carla tonight, I probably would have wanted to look put together, happy, and neat. I wouldn't want her to think I was a mess without her. Maybe that was Paige's intent'. This was enough rationalization for Alex.
After several silent moments, Paige started to get nervous at Alex's seeming lack of response. Until she felt a warm hand on hers. Her eyes moved to the source of the contact and she smiled slightly, happy to see Alex's fingers intertwined with her own, then looked up into wide, sincere, chocolate brown eyes.
"Why?" Alex asked, innocently.
Paige collected her thoughts then said, "I didn't want you to know because," she said slowly, choosing her words carefully. She opened her mouth to continue, then abandoned the attempt. "Okay, there's really not any good way to explain this so...just bear with me, okay?" Alex nodded. "Okay, say we break up (hypothetically!) in a year or something. Say I told you that I need you and that I can't imagine being with anyone else because it just feels wrong and boring. How am I ever supposed to have a relationship without you in the back of my mind always? And even worse, how am I supposed to have a relationship without you looking at me and knowing that my heart is not in it. Knowing that I'm just going through the motions because I can't have what I'll always want and need, and then laughing at me because I'm a desperate fool," she continued, "But I don't care about any of that now, because if that's the way it's going to be, then that's the way it's going to be. Alex, I need you. You're not just a desire or an object of lust anymore, not that you ever were only those things. And I want you to know that I will always need you and always want you, everywhere I go, everything I do. So if we break up in say, a year, and I'm in a new relationship, know that I am not into it. I'm not happy. I would so much rather come home to you every night and wake up with you in the morning. God, Alex, you're..." she paused, noting the softness in Alex's eyes, "the only reason I even wake up in the morning!" Alex was looking down now. She smiled, gave a slight chuckle then wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.
"Look at me," Paige commanded. Alex lifted her eyes to meet Paige's. They stayed locked in that moment for several seconds, brown eyes searching Paige's blue ones, as if they were a passage to her soul. Paige said the words slowly, "I love you, Alex."
Their stare intensified for a fraction of a second before Alex released her hand from Paige's, and clamped both hands on either side of Paige's face, pulling her into a deep open-mouth kiss. Paige edge herself closer to Alex, deepening the kiss. She covered Alex's hands with hers then slowly moved them down her forearms. Paige broke the kiss and leaned her forehead on her girlfriend's, beaming. Alex moved her face away from Paige's, their eyes still fixated on one another. They sat there in the silence. Alex lifted a single hand to the side of Paige's face, stroking her cheek.
"I love you too, Paige. I love you more than I ever thought possible," Alex said.
The sincerity with which she said it caused Paige's heart to throb. It was like pain. But it was a good pain. It's the pain you feel when you love someone so strongly but you know they'll never know exactly how much and you don't know what to do to convince them. Paige felt it coursing through her whole body.
Alex felt as if she could die right then and she would be okay with it. Paige said the words that Alex had been waiting to hear ever since she made a fool of herself outside The Dot. She knew in the back of her mind that it was always there, but she was frustrated because Paige could never bring herself to say it. Now, she knew, Jesse was no longer a threat to their relationship. Paige could flirt with Jesse all she wanted, but in the end, Alex knew that Paige would always come back to her. And vice versa.
Paige stood up, holding out her hand to Alex. Alex took it, and allowed Paige to lead her through the door, across the hall, and through the open door to Paige's room. Well, not Paige's room. Their room.
Hand in hand, they climbed into the bed, pulling the comforters snug around their shoulders and curled up on their sides facing each other. Paige draped her arm across Alex's waist. Alex rearranged a loose piece of hair that had fallen in front of Paige's face. They lay there looking at each other, feeling the other's heart beating and the collapsing and expanding of each other's lungs. They lay there reveling in the warmth of the other's embrace. They lay there, looking at one another as if they were the only two people on the planet, and nothing else in the world existed.
Paige eventually closed her eyes, unable to battle her heavy eyelids. Alex remained gazing at her girlfriend intently. This girl was her soulmate, she knew. "Paige," Alex whispered. "Hmm?" Paige responded lazily.
"Forever," was all she said.