Title:Razor Candies
Rating:M
Author:Freeing Alys
Summary:It's funny how much a person can change in two years. Liley. Rated for self-hatred, self-mutliation, eating disorders, and lots of other stuff I may not be sure of.
Disclaimer:I DO NOT own Hannah Montana or anything/one affliated with it. That all belongs to Disney.


4. Mindless

We're standing in Hannah Montana's dressing room. Lily as Lola is smiling at me, Miley as Hannah. She is wearing a bright red wig, and all black clothing with red jewelery to accent. We've been standing in the same positions since we had arrived, I glance at the clock above Lily and realize Hannah has ten more minutes.

"What are we doing?" Lily asks me and I shrug my shoulders. I have no idea, we just walked into the dressing room and stood there. I was unabvle to move, I didn't know what I wanted to do, or not do.

"I don't know." I say and then I quickly walk over to the couch and plop down on it, the wig falling over my shoulders.

Lily sits next to me and my heart starts to beat faster. I try to think of soemting to discus, since that was what we had agreed to. We needed to talk. I just didn't have any idea as to what we needed to talk about. "I don't know what to talk about." I admit and Lily laughs, making my stomach flop all over the place.

"Me either." She agrees. I glance at her and I realize how different she really looks as Lola. She seems more bright nad brave, the same way I feel as Hannah.

"So let's not talk." I tell her and I lean close to her. I smile and then lock my lips with her own. I run my hands all over her and then without thinking I push her into the corner of the couch.

"What are we doing?" Lily ask as we separate to catch our breaths.

I smile at Lily as I search my mind for answer, but I don't have one. I just want to kiss her and touch her, it's the only thing that's been making any sense. "I don't fucking know." I answer and I kiss her again, and this time Lily welcomes it more.

Lily pushes her tongue past my lips and kiss me hard, but I like the way it feels. I fiddle with hem on Lily's skirt as she runs her hands up and down the front of my torso. "Hannah! Two minutes until showtime!" Dad yells at me from the other side of the door. I leap off of Lily and quickly fix myself, trying to look presentable to the world.

"Go kick some serious ass." Lily tells me smilng at me from the corner of the couch.

"Okay." I promise and I turn on my heel and quickly race out of the dressing room, ready to rock out on stage as myself and Hannah.

HMHMHMHMHMHMHM

Sweat is running down my face, but I don't care. I race back into my dressing room where I know Lily is still waiting. I close the door, lock it and smile at her. Lily is sprawled out on the couch and I know we have ten more minutes before will come knocking on the door again. It always takes him ten minutes to get ready to leave. "Nice show." Lily tells me as I quickly walk towards her.

"Thank you." I kiss her and drop on the couch, feeling like I'm in heaven again.

Lily pulls back and laughs. "You're fun." She tells me and I feel good about that. I like that she likes me.

"Thank you." I mumble and I pull her close to me again. I start kissing her hard, not knowing what I really want. I just want to be close to her, I want to feel whole like I did that day in her car.

Lily raises her hands to my shoulders and lightly pushes me back. "You okay?" She whispers and I roll my eyes.

"You ask that again…" I say and then I kiss her again.

Lily kisses me bak and for a split second we are moving with each other. Lily is running her handsin my hair and I hands are resting in her inner thighs. We kiss each other until we can't breath any longer and then we pull away. I'm smiling and Lily is laughing and we know that it's the best we are ever going to feel. "I really like you." I mumble and I kiss Lily's forehead, knowing our ten minutes are almost up.

Lily nods her head, stands up and that serious look passes over her face. "What are we doing?" She asks again and this time I know that she wants a real answer, she wants something to live by.

I shrug my shoulders and glance at her. She looks confused and scared and I have never seen Lily look like that before. "Let's just not stress this. We are having fun and exploring our feelings. Let's not push anything until we actually feel something real." I say, not knowing what else to say. I don't want this to be real in this moment, I don't any labels or confusion. I just want to go on my feelings and nothing else at all.

"Fine by me." Lily agrees and we walk out of the dressing room, smiling ear to ear.

HMHMHMHMHM

I feel completely mindless. I'm passing around my room, trying to ward off another panic attack. My hands are shaking and I can't breath. I keep glancing at my closet, just beggin myself to allow myself to go in there. But I don't want to do it. For the first time since I started, I dn't want to do it. I just want to be normal and healthy. I don't want more secrets.

I gasp for air and clasp my hands together, trying to make it go away on my own, but it's not helping. I run my hands through my hair and glance at my closet. "What the fuck ever." I mumble to myself and I walk over to it quickly.

Shaking from head to toe I crawl in it and fit myself in to the very corner. I take the razor in my hand tightly and try to figure eout what to do with it. I'm too lazy to pull down my pants and do it wehre it makes since. I just want to result.

I rest my wrist on my knee and hold the razor to it. I take a couple of breaths and start to feel the relief by the razor just being propped on my pale skin. I push down hard and then quickly run it down my wrist. I make a weird noise that I can't name and watch as the blood starts to trickle down my arm.

I shut my eyes and lean my head back, just willing that I really didn't do it. I shake my head, wishing I was with Lily or Oliver, or with anyone, just not to be alone. I open my eyes again as the wound starts to sting, the pain finally catching up with me. I glance down at it again and feel sick to my stomach.

I pull at a hoodie in my closet and quickly pull it on, not even wanting to look at the wound being all alone. I shake my head and toss the razor down. I crawl out of my closet, not feeling panic rush through me, but feeling like shit and completely depressed.

Standing off of my knees I walked to my phone and then dropped it again as I realized what time it is, two-thirty in the morning. I sit on my bed and try to imagine myself sleeping, it couldn't hurt. Btu the thing that was keeping me awake the most was the tought of waking up in the morning and fully realizing what I just did.

I fall back down on my bed and without wanting it, I feel sleep rush over me. While closing my eyes I picture my dad, Jackson, Lily and Oliver. They would all be disspointed if they new. To them I am still that perfect Miley that I was at fourteen and I don't want that to ever change for them.