AN: Ok, things are going to move a bit faster, time-wise, in the story. Lizzie and Darcy have had a little taste of each other and they both have a few more mistakes to make separately before they can start making them together. Also, I still don't have Word, but it's finally on its way so, soon, it won't take me as long to get the format right on these chapters. Thanks for your patience!
Lizzie had just finished unpacking her bag which had been sitting on the foot of her bed since she got back to her apartment three days ago, after being at home for the holidays. Lizzie was happy to be back in the city, but it felt like most of the problems she'd been facing at home had followed her here. Lizzie grabbed an art supplies catalog and made for the couch in the living room. She thumbed through it, not really paying attention, her mind elsewhere. She couldn't stop thinking about the one thing that had been bugging her most.
Jane was depressed. It was a subtle but definite change that Lizzie noticed as soon as Jane got back from her trip to Virginia. The holidays had been fairly unremarkable. Lizzie, Jane and Lydia spent Christmas Eve with their father and Christmas Day with their mother, just as they always had. Lizzie couldn't remember a time when her parents were together, so Christmases had always been spent this way.
There was something different about this holiday though. It was only now, when Jane and Lydia were getting ready to start the new semester, that Lizzie had actually had some time alone to think about it. For the past week she had been trying to dodge her mother's thinly veiled condemnations for not agreeing to marry Benjamin and her father's constant jokes about his proposal. Lizzie thought it was a little too soon to find Benjamin's proposal funny. But she was amused to think that her mother took this way too seriously, while her father didn't take it seriously enough. She shook her head as, for the millionth time in her life, she wondered how in the world her parents were together long enough to have three daughters.
Lizzie heard the key turn in the door and raised her head to see Carter. She smiled as he shut the door behind him.
"Are Jane and Lydia here?" he asked.
"No, they're taking care of things on campus. It's just me."
Carter plopped down on the couch next to Lizzie and ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. He looked about as worn as she probably did. Lizzie was glad to see him. He had spent the holidays with his own family who had moved to Rochester after he and Lizzie graduated from college. Lizzie hadn't seen any of his family since then, except when Carter's little sister, Evie, came to visit once last year.
"How's the fam?" Lizzie asked.
"They're good. Evie's doing well. She's planning out where she's going on her spring break. She's looking at colleges now. Can you believe it?"
Lizzie raised her eyebrows. "No, I can't. Wow."
She went back to flipping through her catalog.
Carter glanced at it. "Time to restock?"
"I got some cash for Christmas. It's going to some new supplies. And some of it is going to be saved for a vacation so next year I can spend the holidays in a far off country."
Carter winced. "So I'm guessing you had a less than stellar time?"
Lizzie put down the magazine. "You know, it really wasn't that bad. Well, I mean, Mom was crazy and Jane was just...so..." Lizzie trailed off. "It's not like I blame Jane for..."
Carter stared at Lizzie. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened. It was just different this time. Coming home, I mean. I haven't lived at home for three years, but my parents' apartments still felt like home. But not this time. Something was different. I thought it was Jane's fault at first."
"Oh come on, Lizzie," Carter argued. "Jane didn't do anything wrong."
She frowned at him. "I know that, don't you think I know that? She's hurting, of course this isn't her fault. But I don't know what else could be different! It's not just the holidays either, you know. This whole feeling has carried over to here. To my apartment. It doesn't feel like home anymore. And I can't help but think that..." Lizzie trailed of again. She wasn't sure how Carter would react to what she thought.
Carter smiled at her. "You think it's because of Charlie?"
"Well," Lizzie hesitated. "Yes. Everything was fine before he got here and now," Lizzie started to shout, "now Jane is heartbroken! She's hurting like I've never seen her hurt and it's killing me, ok? And there's not a damn thing I can do about it! She walks about with something missing and I can see it and it's killing me. And nothing I do cheers her up!"
Carter looked thoughtful. "Well, I imagine the old stand-bys - making her popcorn or painting her toenails--aren't doing it?"
"Don't laugh," Lizzie grumbled. "They always used to work before."
Carter looked seriously at her. "I'm sorry I can't help you. I mean, you know Jane better than anyone and if you can't cheer her up than I don't know who could."
"That's the thing." Lizzie said sadly. "I don't think I know her best anymore. And there is someone who could cheer her up. He's just on the other side of the world, is all." Her hands curled into fists in her lap at the thought of Charlie and his sister and friend. "It was probably those idiots Darcy and Caroline who convinced Charlie to study abroad. Assholes. You should have seen Jane's face when she found out. Well, you might anyway. Her expression hasn't really changed."
Carter looked worried. "Is she really doing that badly? She doesn't need help does she?"
Lizzie bit her lip. "No, I don't think so. She still talks and laughs and does all the things she used to. But there's something...sad about her now. I know this sounds stupid, but there was a bounce before that's gone now." She sighed. "I can't tell you how frustrating it is for me to see her this way and not be able to do anything about it. Not a thing."
Carter pulled Lizzie into a hug. "Jane'll pull through. And who knows, maybe she and Charlie will meet again. Do you think she really loved him?"
Lizzie shrugged. "I don't know for sure, but I think she was beginning to. I think she began to see something of her future with him and now he's gone and all of Jane's hopes with him. You know Jane, she's very self-sufficient and ambitious, but she would love to get a small practice and start a family. She'd be good at it too."
Lizzie sighed again and pushed off of Carter. "Anyway, enough. You haven't even asked me what my cousin and her new husband got me for Christmas."
"You're right it should have been the first thing out of my mouth the moment I saw you. What did Carly and Benjamin get you for Christmas? It wasn't another ring was it? Benjamin isn't polygamous, is he?"
"And if my father hadn't already made that joke it might have been funny," Lizzie scolded.
"Damn," Carter feigned anger. "He's always beating me to the punch line." He waggled his eyebrows.
"Shut up, please." Lizzie said as she reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope.
"They got you money?" Carter ogled the envelope.
"Yes, to give me a taste of what I was missing out on. No, you idiot, they gave me a plane ticket. Apparently, Carly is determined to be my best friend again. And I don't really blame her for wanting to try and salvage the few friendships she still has. Anyway, I'm to London. She and Benjamin are moving there in a month because Catherine Burg has some new business thing going on. Anyway, I'm supposed to go visit them there In March." Lizzie traced the edge of the envelope.
Carter gave her a crooked smile. "Not rethinking your answer are you? You could have been getting ready to move to London."
Lizzie's eyes flew up to his. "Of course not! I would never--"
"Oh come on, now," Carter rolled his eyes. "I know you, Lizzie. You can't tell me that you didn't think for a minute about how it would be if you'd said yes to him. That you didn't consider everything that Benjamin's offer entailed."
Lizzie gaped at him, but didn't say anything. Carter had managed to hit on the very thing she had been trying to suppress since the day after the gallery opening. She had been so ashamed of those thirty seconds when she had actually considered accepting Benjamin. Because, yes, he was successful and he was going places. She knew that his ridiculous manner would please some people and those people would be willing to promote him. Lizzie was an artist, sure, but she was also very sensitive to how the real world worked. Sometimes people sold out. And that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. She hadn't done it yet, but she had come close so often. And she was only 22. There were going to be plenty more opportunities for her to sell out.
There was nothing she loved more than painting. If there was an opportunity for her to paint without having to worry about money, to be able to travel to inspiring locations, why shouldn't she consider it? But if painting was the thing she loved best, it wasn't the only thing she loved. On those rare occasions when she imagined her future in any kind of detail, it never consisted of only painting. There was always a family element. Not definitely a husband-and-kids kind of picture, but someone important was there and friends she loved and her sisters. So, yes, she had briefly considered Benjamin, because she could imagine having most of those things with him. Most of them. But not all of them.
And the fact that Carter would bring this up, would try to make her feel guilty for wanting those things...
Lizzie stood up quickly. "You know what Carter? Yes. Ok? Yes, I did consider Benjamin's offer. You want to know why? Because when someone asks you to marry them, you think about what it would be like. Ok? It's what you do when someone asks you that question. I thought about what it would be like. And yes, Benjamin has money, more money than I do and he has a steady job. But we both know that. I thought about what it would be like to be married to someone with money, I thought about what it would be like to be married to someone who was going to travel. But then I remembered that that someone was Benjamin. I remembered that it wasn't 'someone' I was going to marry if I said yes. It would be Benjamin. So I said no. I said no. I said hell no! Which is more than I can say for Carly. So if you're going to sit there and judge me for thinking for thirty seconds about saying yes then screw you. I can't help it, ok? I'm not like Jane. I don't think that way. Don't you think I don't wish every day that I wasn't attracted to money the way I am? Don't you think it's hard for me to know that I come so close all the time to selling out? I struggle all the time with just dropping painting and getting a decent job as someone's assistant. I'm good at it and it doesn't make me unhappy and it pays. I come so close. But I didn't come close to marrying Benjamin. Oh, I considered everything his offer entailed, all right? And it entailed being married to a skeezy, sycophant whom I didn't love and who didn't love me." Lizzie was almost in tears.
Carter had already gotten to his feet and was trying to calm Lizzie down. "Hey, Liz, I'm sorry. I never meant--"
"What the hell, Carter?" Lizzie cried, which was when the tears finally fell down her cheeks. She hurriedly grabbed her coat which had been lying on the arm of the couch and sprinted for the door. "Don't follow me, ok?" she yelled as she slammed it behind her.
She ran out of her apartment and onto the freezing cold street. She wasn't sure where she was going, but at this point she didn't really care. She had lost it up there. She had yelled at Carter. Carter who was her best friend besides Jane! Lizzie knew he wasn't accusing her of being shallow. Carter didn't think that about her.
Lizzie shuddered against the cold. Of course Carter didn't think she was shallow. Lizzie thought that about herself. Lizzie thought she was shallow. The tears came a little bit harder now and Lizzie's blurred vision reminded her how silly she must look. A crazy girl crying and storming through the streets of Manhattan. Well, chances were she probably wasn't the craziest person out here. She had just passed a hole-in-the-wall cafe when she heard her name called. Quickly wiping her eyes dry, she turned in the direction of the voice.
To her surprise and chagrin, Greg was standing right before her. "Hey," he said gently, recognizing the redness around her eyes. "Are you ok?"
Lizzie tried to gain some composure. "I thought you were leaving New York," she accused.
"I am," he said, still kindly. "This week. Hey, why don't you come inside?"
Lizzie allowed him to lead her inside and they sat down at the table by the window through which he must have seen her.
"Are you sure you're ok? You look really upset" he noticed as he hung her coat on her chair. Lizzie was trying desperately to remember the fact that she was still angry with him for how he had acted the last time they'd met. But she found as he smiled kindly at her, that she just couldn't. She tried to smile back at him, as a thank you and to show him that she was ok, but she couldn't seem to do that either and quickly lowered her head in an attempt to hide the tears that were welling up again.
Greg pulled his chair closer to her and put a comforting arm around her shoulders which Lizzie decided was ok. She didn't have Jane or Carter right now, so who else ...
And suddenly Lizzie realized that there was another option. She could leave Greg and this warm cafe. She could go back to her apartment and apologize to Carter. But she didn't. She stayed with Greg for the rest of the afternoon. And it was only when she quietly let herself into the apartment late that night and saw Carter asleep on the couch that she realized that she had sold out that afternoon.
AN1: Just a quick update after getting a angry (and rightly so) review: Lizzie did NOT sleep with Greg. Ugh. No way. I never said she did, but maybe I didn't make it clear enough. "She stayed with Greg for the rest of the afternoon." She didn't sleep with him. She's not that effed up. Ok. Hope that clears things up.
AN: And, please review!! I can't tell you how much your reviews inspire me to write. Even if you don't like it! Please let me know what you think!