Authors note: As always; I'm sooo grateful for your reviews. And I'm glad that I'm not receiving hate-mail for making Lucas a little bit of an asshole. LOL
Brooke05: I agree with you. And since Lucas actually knows what it feels like when someone you love is with someone else (brooke and chris) he might want to think of what he's doing…
Typokween and line: Yeah, lets hope he does… lol
Prettygirl33: They will. On both your requests… ;)
Brucas2006 and babes: Thanks! I'm glad you like Nathan
Wishinonastar: You know I love those long reviews. Lol. I promise to not make you so angry at Luke that it destroys your Brucas-mode. And in the next chapter I think I will make you happy by actually following your advice.

Thanks again you guys. The title is a song by Green Day. Now, along with story!

CHAPTER 7 – Boulevard of broken dreams

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone

"It feels like my life right now is spent in a huge waiting-room" Brooke thinks as she pulls her dark Chip & Pepper-jeans over her hips. "Everything I do is just waiting… it's what I've always done." She's been waiting for her parents to notice her her entire life, waiting for them to start caring. Waiting for Lucas to make up his mind and then wait for him to change it again. Wait to get screwed over by her friends or plainly to get screwed. Wait for her heart to break… and to mend. But she's done with waiting now.

She picks out a pair of high healed wedges and glances at herself in the full-length mirror. The tight jeans are fitting her long legs like a second skin and the green top has a cleavage no guy would ever forget. Especially since she's not wearing a bra. But the face looking back at her in the reflection looks tired and while quickly going over her make-up again she thinks that this, going to a bar at a Monday afternoon, is probably one of the more stupid ideas she's had lately. But then she laughs bitterly. No, she can think of one or two things that have been even dumber. Compared to her current rollercoaster-ride of a life, then the thought of drinking a huge amount of vodka this early seems almost genius.

"Fuck Lucas", she thinks. "And fuck Nick and all the other guys who just keeps toying with my emotions". She wasn't going to take shit from them anymore. Not at all.

"Hurry up Rachel!" she yells to her room-mate who's still in the bathroom. She want's to get going, need to get going. Waiting suddenly drives her insane.

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Nathan is waiting in line to get some food from the cafeteria. Lunch-hour is later than usual on Mondays and he's usually starving, but today he's not really feeling it. Haley comes up beside him and he unconsciously wraps his arm around her waist but he doesn't say anything. He's preoccupied with worrying for Brooke and he wonders if she really just went home as she had said she would. Knowing the girl and remembering the speed she drove off with, she might as well have gone off and done something stupid. It wouldn't be the first time…

His trail of thoughts is interrupted by a gasp from his wife and looking down at her he sees her watching his brother sitting a few tables away.

"Oh my god… what happened to Luke?" she says and looks up at him with worried eyes, making him feel guilty. He clears his throat.

"Uhm… I kind of happened to him…"

Haley looks confused. "What do you mean?"

"I kind of punched him in the face Saturday afternoon when I went to talk to him… I knew that you'd be pissed if I told you so I kind of left that part out…"

She gives him a firm look, shaking her head as if to say 'that was stupid of you' and 'you should have told me', but she doesn't shrug off his arm and he hopes that it means that she understands.

"He's okay though. I didn't hit him so hard. It probably looks worse than it is…"

Haley sighs. "I was really angry with him as well so I guess I can't blame you… but you should know better Nathan… Has Brooke seen him?"

"Yeah…" He nods and gets interrupted by the girl behind the counter, asking him what he wants to eat. He grabs some lunch for himself and Haley and pays before turning back to his wife. She's busy dialing a number on her phone.

"I'm calling Brooke" she says. "I couldn't find her after English and she wasn't at Spanish. I'm just gonna let her know where we are if she want's to have lunch with us. I'm guessing she doesn't want to sit with Lucas and Peyton."

While Haley's waiting for Brooke to answer, which he's guessing she wont, he looks over at Lucas again and sees that Peyton has joined him. Seeing the way Peyton is smiling around his brother Nathan is starting to think that maybe it was good that Brooke left.

"Let's go sit" he says and nudges Haley to move. "Brooke isn't in school, she went home. Her morning kind of sucked…"

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Lucas watches Nathan and Haley talking vividly about something over at the cafeteria line. He's waiting for lunch to be over. Or actually he's waiting for the entire schoolday to be over so that he can get to practice, figuring that a two hour workout is the best way to clear his mind. His life just seemed to get more complicated by the minute and nothing really made sense anymore. He is still angry with Nathan and he's still has all this mixed emotions about Brooke. Even though he knows it's stupid, he's feeling sorry for himself, and it's so much easier to be mad at her for being so stubborn and acting so strangely than to think about the fact that it was his own fault that they had broken up. And lately she had made it pretty easy for him to dislike her. If he didn't count their little talk at the party the other night, she had either ignored him or behaved like a complete bitch every time he tried to talk to her.

Like when she kissed Peyton's 'brother' in front of him, or when she snapped at him for wanting to switch his juice for her chips. Or the way she had been all over Gabe at the party. Or…

"This kind of feels like déjà vu…"

"Not really… You told me to fight for you and I did. But you never fought for me…"

"And I'm not going to."

Her facial expression when saying those last words had been almost patronizing.
And then of course the way she acted towards Peyton… Peyton didn't deserve having Brooke treat her that way.

But he can't seem to get over how she had looked at him the day before last, standing in the doorway to Nathan and Haley's bathroom. How extremely hurt she had seemed.

Truthfully he doesn't know why he's angry at Brooke. Today in English-class he'd had that same feeling as he had at Friday's game. The feeling like there was something missing in her eyes. He still loves her. And he still misses her like crazy. But she is making it so hard. And he's getting so tired of all this drama.

He puts down his half-eaten sandwich and turns up the volume on his I-pod to shut out the noise from the surrounding students. What he said to Nathan about not wanting to be with Brooke wasn't really true, but the fact is that she has been acting so different lately that he feels like he doesn't know her anymore. Maybe that's why Nathan makes him so angry. Nathan seems to understand why she is acting this way and he feels like that role belonged to himself.

Then someone playfully hits him over the head and snatches his earplugs out of his ears. He looks up and when seeing Peyton he smiles crookedly, feeling his jaw hurt in the process.

"Hey champ. What happened to your face?" she says and reaches out and touches his temple softly, and he thinks; "Peyton Sawyer is a good friend…" But today she reminds him too much of Brooke, the one person he really doesn't want to think about. The person he can't get out of his head. And Peytons fingers touch the exact spot on his face where Brooke had planted that last kiss. The one she gave him after she told him she was done with their relationship. That she couldn't do it anymore…
So however good of friend Peyton is, he still pulls away. Her fingers don't make up for the loss of Brooke's lips. They never would.

"I got into a fight with Nate" he says and pulls out a chair for her. "We kind of had a little disagreement…"

Peyton sits down and looks at him curiously. "With Nathan? About what? I thought you two were done fighting after last year…"

"Yeah, me too… But for some reason he has taken it upon himself to act as Brooke's knight in shining armor. I said some stupid comments and he punched me."

"Stupid comments about Brooke?"

He nods and picks up a pickle from her plate. "Yup… And I don't get why he's overreacting. Him and Brooke have never been that close, have they?"

Peyton seems surprised by his last comment. "What do you mean? Brooke was Nathans best friend when they were younger. Taking care of Brooke was like his life mission…"

She laughs a little. "Until it got too much for him to handle. They started drifting apart shortly after we started highschool."

"But I thought that you were Brookes best friend when you guys grew up?"

"Yeah, I was. But Brooke was Nathan's. If you think about it, he's always been a little over-protective when it comes to her. Kind of like you are with Haley."

Were with Haley, he thinks. Were.
He chews the stolen pickle and wonders how he could have missed the fact that Brooke and Nathan were once so close. He had after all been in the same school as them since junior high. But he hadn't been in the same social circles since they both had been popular back then too. And when he pictures it, it's not so strange really. Brooke and Nathan had been kind of the same when he got to know Brooke. Wild, cocky, a little uncontrolled. Kind of how Brooke acted now. Just not as sad.

Had Brooke ever told him about being close to Nathan? Alarmingly he can't remember the last time he actually sat down and listened to her… And wasn't that what she had said? That they went days without having a meaningful discussion?

A little over a week ago he had stood in Peyton's room and bluntly said that he actually felt like him and Brooke were over. Finally. But it wasn't true. Then at Tric he had done it again, just seconds before Peyton came and told him about the rumors of his ex being pregnant.
At the game last Friday he had just craved Brooke so badly that he thought his heart would break and at the party later that evening he had even told Brooke to her face that he still loved her. But when she asked him for the smallest bit of reassurance he had backed out and then started to talk about his responsibilities towards Peyton. What was wrong in his head? No wonder Brooke behaved strangely. He himself behaved like he was schizophrenic.

"It's like I'm unconsciously pushing her as far away as possible…" he thinks as Peyton keeps chatting beside him. "Like if I want to destroy everything we ever had."

And as they get up to go back to class he thinks; "I'll go by her house tonight… Trying to talk to her one more time can't hurt. Not unless Nathan beats me up again…"

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Brooke crooks an eyebrow and smirks playfully as if thinking of something amusing. The alcohol is beginning to go to her head and she's savoring that 'kind of sedated' feeling.
"I could see myself sleep with that bartender" she says and winks sexily towards the dark-haired guy who's just delivered their drinks. "He's actually kind of cute…"

And he is. He looks a little like someone she knows with that broody look, only with different coloring. Brown hair instead of blond. Dark eyes instead that summer-sky blue…

Rachel laughs and sips the cold fluid. "I bet you could! Slut!"

"Whore" she giggles back. If she was a slut then Rachel had to be much worse, right?

"Bitch!"

"Former fat-camp attendant…"

She lifts her glass too, it's her third, and she swirls the pink slushy content around as Rachel throws some peanuts on her for the last remark. She throws some back, hitting Rachel squarely in the face. Suddenly everything almost feels good. She carefully lets herself probe around inside her heart to se if the sharp pain is still there and when she doesn't find more than a little sting she breathes out and smiles. It's working. The alcohol is doing exactly what it should.

"I think we should go out tonight!" she exclaims happily as her face disappears into the huge glass of frozen marguerita.

"Um… Brooke, are you having amnesia? We are in a bar already… even though it's three o'clock in the afternoon"

"I know that!" she says as she comes up for air after finishing off the entire drink in one sweep. Then she smiles her sexy dimpled signature smile. "But Blue Post is nowhere to find hot boys. Let's just call this drinks before the drinks…"

Somewhere in the back of her head a memory tries to squeeze through.

"Did you think that this was the thing you had to do with me? 'Cause this isn't the thing… this is just drinks before the thing…"

She pushes the memory back. He is the last thing she wants to think about. "We could go to our older-boy-fantasy-bar… You know, hook up with some cute guys…" she says instead and winks, carefully trying to keep Rachel in a good mood. It hadn't been easy to get Rachel to come with her on this adventure. Being hung-over, the thought of spending the day in a bar probably hadn't sounded all too appealing. But after coaxing for half an hour she had finally gotten the redhead out of bed and into the appropriate attire for this little excursion. And she needs her to stay. She's not so intoxicated that she wants to party by herself.

"…I mean, something's really wrong with the world when two girls as hot as us haven't had sex in a week!" she continuous giggling.

Rachel puts down her glass and smiles too, but not as big as before. "Oh… the Cooper/Nick-bar… But what about Lucas?" she says and gives her a questioning look. Brooke holds her cover together, not letting Rachel see that she just thought about him and their first date in this bar. Suddenly it feels like the Blue Post is kind of shrinking around her and while the whole place suddenly reminds her of him, going to the bar where she met Nick seems like a step in the right direction. So she shrugs playfully and quirks her eyebrow.

"What about him?"

Rachel raises her perfectly plucked eyebrow so that her facial expression mirrors Brooke's, but she's not smiling anymore.

"You know what I'm talking about. It's not always going to feel this bad you know… And I'm sorry that I hooked you up with Nick. Looking back, that was a stupid move… You sure as hell aren't over that broody blond yet. Maybe you should take it easy tonight Brooke? You've already downed three drinks."

Annoyed Brooke looks away and waves at the bartender to get his attention. Rachel has hardly touched the latest drink but her own glass is empty and she needs more.

"I don't need you to be my mother Rachel" she says in a harsh voice.

"Then who's going to be that for you? Your own mom? Seriously girl, I'm just trying to look out for you. Remember on your birthday? You said that I shouldn't try and drown my sorrows in alcohol and boys. That a one-night would only make it feel worse… Maybe you should take your own advice?"

"Whatever!" Brooke spits and gets to her feet. "I have to go to the ladies-room."

She gives herself a couple of seconds to steady herself, realizing the alcohol has already started to take its toll on her balance. And before walking off she says;

"Have a double vodka-shot waiting for me when I get back."

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It's a little after eight pm. Nathan zaps between the channels and looks over at Haley who's fallen asleep beside him on the couch. She looks like an innocent angel. Her golden hair is forming a halo on the cushions and her dark eyelashes flutter as if she's dreaming. He strokes her cheek gently and marvels over the fact that she is carrying his child.

Most days he still forgets this. He knows he's going to be a father in about six and a half months but life is still a little to normal for him to grasp the reality of it. Who would have thought this last year when his wife took off and went on that tour with the Wrecker's?

Oh well, Brooke had. Brooke had thought that Haley would come back.

He looks over at his phone to check if he has any missed calls but nothing. Brooke still hasn't called. He left a message for her earlier, telling her to get back to him, but she hasn't and he hates having to worry. That was the best thing with the relationship between her and Lucas. As long as she was with him she seemed to value herself more. She acted more responsible, she started to take some pride in her schoolwork again and she partied less. And he always knew where she was at night since she was always in bed with Luke.

He smiles. Brooke and Lucas… what a couple. They could be so great if his stupid brother could just see what he had in front of him and stop fucking everything up all the time. It really hurts Nathan to see how Brooke's been spiraling downwards the last week. And even before that, when was the last time that he had seen her smile for real? The trip to Rachel's cabin? She had been happy that weekend, but after that?

What had worried him most this morning was the way she had been acting with their teacher. Haley said yesterday that Brooke had had some sort of relationship with that Chavez-character but he thought Haley had misread the situation. Up until he saw how Brooke looked at the guy. With such disgust and venom. He really hopes that Brooke hadn't slept with him. Because if she had, then her already confused little mind would feel guilty towards Lucas and that would make this worse. When Brooke felt guilty she drank and that could maybe explain why she had been so unbelievingly drunk last Friday.

He calls her cellphone again and this time she picks up. The music in the background is loud and the sounds of glass clinking and people talking tells him that she's in a bar.

"Hello? Brooke?"

She doesn't say anything into the receiver but he can hear her slurry voice talking somewhere in the distance and he says her name louder making Haley stir beside him.

"Brooke? Are you there? Can you hear me?"

He listens to the loud noises but then the call is cut off. What the hell was she doing? "Damn it Brooke" he whispers to himself while getting up from the couch. "Why can't you just stay home and mope over ice-cream like a normal heartbroken teenage girl?"

He kisses Haley's forehead and grabs his car-keys. And from a drawer in the closet he pulls out the old fake-id Brooke made him years ago. He hasn't used it in ages and normally he would have laughed at the old picture and the stupid name. Harold… How did she come up with all these names? Gretchen, Harold, Henry…

But tonight he doesn't laugh. He just pockets the id in his jeans. And then he heads out to the car. It's time to go to the Blue Post.

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Read between the lines

what's fucked up and everything's all right
Check my vital signs and know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone

Authors note 2: If you think that I'm making Lucas all schitzo in this fic, then it's because he is… (and it's all Mark's fault). After watching the episodes of season 4 so far, I've decided that his behavior and decisions are completely erratic and this is the only way I can come around this. But don't worry. I'll fix him soon. lol