Author's note: An all new chapter! A little on the angsty side maybe, but I guess you're all used to that in this story… I LOVE all your reviews. And I'm so happy to see some new readers. Special thank you to wishinonastar, babybush and B.Davis for all your help and support. :) This chapter would never have been finished without you guys.

The chapter is named after an awesome song by the band Rascal Flatts.

Here we go…

-

CHAPTER 11 – What hurts the most…

What hurts the most
was being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away.
And never knowing
what could have been
and not seeing that loving you
is what I was trying to do

"Seven times", Lucas thinks. "That is how many times I have let her walk away from me at a crucial point of our relationship".

Let her walk away at a moment when he really needed to show her that he loved her and that he was there. But in every one of these situations, his tongue has plastered it self to the roof of his mouth and his mind has gone completely blank like a white sheet of paper. Seven times, if he counted earlier tonight at the River court. And this would be the eighth…

As Brooke walks off, he stands rooted in the same spot, thinking that the sixth time she walked away from him probably was the worst. That was the night a month and a half ago when she came and told him 'that she couldn't do this any more'. The night that he had just stayed on his stupid ass in the chair behind his laptop, and watched her end their relationship with nothing more then an empty 'I'm sorry' leaving his lips as a response.

But the runner up was a close second, and finding that it had been just the day before the sixth actually made it even more stupid. The person that had created the expression 'You learn from your mistakes' had obviously never crossed paths with him. Because when it came to his love of Brooke Penelope Davis, it seemed like he would never, could never, get his act right…

And even though he had started out right the fifth time, following the furious Brooke into the back-room of the wedding reception to try and talk to her about Peyton and the kiss, he had still screwed up. Somewhere along the line his words started coming out wrong.

"Is it impossible for you to forgive me?" he tried tiredly. "…I forgave you…"

The tears were already in her eyes as she searched for her handbag, but at the last words she looked up.

"For what?"

He didn't want to say it but he suddenly couldn't hold it in. "For sleeping with Chris Keller…"

First she just stood with her mouth open, looking shocked, and when she started talking again her voice cracked. "And you know what Lucas? I loved you for that… You had such grace in that moment that I fell in love with you all over again…"

Her tears started falling freely now and as she sobbed; "I can't BELIEVE you would use that as a bargaining-chip!" he suddenly regretted having said anything at all.

"I'm not… I'm not" he assured, but it really didn't do any good.

Crying she returned to her searching of the bags, and he felt a little helpless when he continued. He had never seen her this way before.

"I just need you to believe me when I tell you my heart is with YOU" he said, desperately trying to mend the mistake. "But a part of me feels like ever since we got back together, you've just been waiting to push me away."

"Oh, great. You kiss Peyton, AGAIN! And I'm pushing YOU away?!"

Her tears mixed with her newfound anger and for each second he felt her slipping away more and more. She breathed in and out deeply, probably trying to calm herself down, and he hurt so much for her.

"I love you Brooke. I don't know how else to say it..."

Sobbing loudly she walked closer to him. "How about the way you show it? I am not pushing you away, Lucas, I'm holding on for dear life… But I need you to need me back, okay? Why didn't you tell me about the kiss? And why didn't you call me while you were away? And why won't you EVER just let me ALL the way in?!?"

At the last word she was practically punching his chest, right where his heart was, but then she paused and there was this long desperate silence. A silence where he should have said something. But nothing came out. Not even a tiny syllable. She looked more tired then he'd ever seen her look before, kind of emotionally exhausted, and pushing the sobs back down her throat she sighed and said;

"We have to go give our speeches now. About love…" And then she started walking away.

"Please don't be mad Brooke…" he begged, and as soon as the words left his mouth he realized how lame it sounded. How that phrase would never be enough. And even if it got her to turn towards him once more before walking out the door, her eyes were still glued to the floor.

"I'm not mad, Lucas…" she whispered. "I'm not mad."

And then she had walked away for the fifth time, just as she was doing now.

"Don't do it Brooke" he thinks as his mind runs helplessly in its own maze, "Don't walk away again…"

Suddenly nothing in their fight seems important. Seeing her moving away from him scares him too much, and he wants to take it all back. He really doesn't care who she's been with during their time apart. Nothing else matters than the black and empty hole in his heart that just keeps getting wider and deeper with every second not spent with her. But she is already out through the terrace-doors. Out into the garden quicker than he has ever seen a girl on five inch heals walk away.

"Damn it…" he whispers. And then his feet start moving instinctively. He catches up to her halfway down the driveway and grabs her arm.

"Stop Brooke!"

"No!"

She rips her arm away from his grip and turns again and he can't take the rejection. The fear of actually losing her once and for all makes him act out, like a hurt animal, and this time he simply grabs her whole body. Wraps his arms around her firmly from behind and holds on without even caring if he caused her physical pain. She fights him, with much more strength than her little body seemed to hold, but he refuses to let go.

"Just stop…" he breathes down to her wiggling form. "I need you to wait…"

He knows he's being unfair. She has nothing to put up in defense when he uses raw strength, her being almost a head shorter and tiny compared to his muscle-mass, but this is the only way. His only option. Furiously she sobs;

"I'm NOT doing this again. Let me go Lucas!" But he doesn't. Instead he holds her close, talking into her ear.

"Listen, I get tongue-tied every time you run off like this Brooke, you just walk off before I have the time to react… This time I need a chance to catch up with my head…please…"

His voice is low but firm and in some way he's talking as much to himself as he is to her. This action, holding her and forcing her to stay put, is buying him precious time to make a plan. And at first she still tries to get him to let her go, but the efforts lose their will, and finally she stops. He can feel her chest heave up and down.

"I'm not going anywhere" he whispers softly. "Whatever you say or whatever you do Brooke… If you only want to be friends, then I'll live with that, but don't push me away because I'm not going anywhere…"

She still takes deep breathes and his mind is spinning. Holding her like this, feeling her body next to his and breathing in her scent, brings back so many memories that his heart almost cracks open in his chest. But then she whispers back;

"No… I'm serious Lucas… I'm tired of always defending my past to you. And I'm sick of being stuck in the middle while you 'decide' things… I can't just wait around for you to break me again. I just can't…"

He has expected her to still be furious. To scream and kick and cry and to be the angry and defensive Brooke he knows, but she sounds calm and hollow. Empty and defeated.

"…it's not enough that you're not going anywhere. I need more."

Slowly he loosens his grip and she turns towards him. And for a second he can see her. In the deep green pools that are her eyes he sees the flash of the girl that he loves so much that he physically flinches from the pain in his heart. But then her eyes go back to the empty replicas that they have been lately and he realizes that this time she's not just physically going to walk out on him, she doing it spiritually as well.

I need more…

Her words keep ringing in his ears and then she softly lets her lips touch his. The kiss is so light that it's more of a whisper towards his skin. A feather-light feeling that holds so much, but yet no emotion at all, and he whispers;

"I just need you."

---

When he whispers those four words, Brooke want's to scream. She wants to lash out. Kick, punch, even bare her knuckles into his face. It's not fair of him to say these things, to look at her as if he really means it. Not when he's never meant it during all of the months when she gave him everything she had. During all the time in which she had forced herself every day to give him of herself as she had never done to anyone else before. When she had struggled to overpower all her issues of trust and her fears of being close to someone mentally and opening up. She had cried herself to sleep so many times, especially since she found out about the kiss in the library, hoping to hear just these four little words from him. And he chooses to say them now, now that she has finally begun to let him go.

Slowly she looks up into his blue eyes and searches them, seeing desperation, fear and pain. And she hurts for him. For a second she is back in Rachel's parents cabin, holding him as he cried over Keith. Back when she still believed that he would be the one to heal her and the he would allow her to do the same for him. But then the real world comes back into focus. Behind these beautiful blue eyes is the boy she gave her heart. Her Lucas. And even though he had broken her even more then she was before she met him, she knows that she will always love him. And that she will never fully heal from this. Because it all comes down to two things;

He doesn't know her and he will never fully be hers.

Yet she needs this closure. So she leans up and kisses him again. Then she untangles herself from his now limp arms and turns her back on him once more. And this time there is no 'last chance' or any promises to 'never mess it up again'. This time there's just the sweet pain of knowing that he is watching her back as she walks away from him. And of course it hurts. It hurts like hell. But at least this time she knows that she is left with a little self-respect. Lucas has the last piece of her heart that is still warm and beating and the pieces left in her chest are cold and useless like little pieces of stone. The only thing she has control over is this; Lucas Scott would never get the opportunity of making her feel stupid again.

She passes Nathan and some other guys from the team on her way back to her car and it's hard to fake a smile when she feels like she's falling apart on the inside, but this way she could keep some dignity. Nathan isn't falling for it of course, but the others might and maybe that would lessen all the gossip that would travel like a forest-fire tomorrow.

In the corner of her eye she sees Nathan get up from his seat and start to walk towards her but she waves at him and gets into the car. When he makes it over, he tries to pull open the car-door but knowing what he will do she has already locked it.

"Open the door B!" she hears his muffled voice, but she rolls down the window instead.

"Don't worry Nate, I'm going… you don't have to take care of me."

He looks hurt and it pains her that she is the one putting this look on his face, but right now she is fighting so hard to hold herself together that showing even the tiniest sliver of emotions, even towards Nathan, will bring the walls crumbling down.

He keeps pulling the doorhandle and his facial features are hard. "You can't drive Brooke. Get in the passenger-seat and unlock the door. I'll drive you…"

But she just shakes her head. And once again she thinks about her encounter with Nathan outside of Blue Post last night. This Tuesday just seems never ending… Deep inside she had known what Nathan meant with his unfinished sentence, even in the drunken state she had been in. And she can see the same thoughts going through his head now as well.

"Don't do this again! You and alcohol don't go well together B… it makes you… well…"

He hadn't meant to call her a slut or a whore. If she would have allowed him to finish the sentence he would have said 'destructive'. And it's true. If she drinks when feeling sad or angry, the alcohol makes her forget, but not only the things that hurts, but also that there are things that can harm her. Alcohol makes her think that she is invincible and for a long time it was her only way to cope…

And completely aware of this, she lets the window slide shut and puts her foot on the gas-pedal. Through the glass she sees Nathan throw his hands out in frustration. But she backs up and drives off down the street, leaving him standing in the driveway.

Out on the main street she's already driving too fast and she smiles. Tears are falling down her cheeks but her insides are still numb.

When she was younger this feeling of invincibility only resulted in Nathan having to keep an eye on her at parties so that she wouldn't be taken advantage of while completely hammered. But with time, the thrill of doing stupid and dangerous things became her new high, until the day when Nathan finally couldn't take it anymore. Driving drunk, running around in bars alone, sleeping with complete strangers… these were just some of the things. And it got worse…

Lucas, and everybody else for that matter, seemed to think that Lucas was the one that 'saved' her from that life, but that wasn't entirely true. Sure, when they started dating it had been so much easier to stay away from the drinking and the parties because she had him to take her mind off things, and when she fell in love with him it had been even easier because by then she really wanted Lucas to see her real self. But apparently he never had…

Initially though, her changing it was all because of Nathan. Because he was the one that made her see that it was enough.

"Game's getting old Brooke…"

She can still hear the pain in his voice.

They hadn't really hung out in months when his father arranged that stupid basketball-banquet, back in the beginning of junior year. As usual she'd had a little too much to drink and when she found that note from Haley in Nathan's drawer, it just tipped her over the edge, seeing that she was already pissed off. At Peyton and at Lucas. And it hurt so much to see Nathan and Haley being friends because she missed having that friendship with Nathan, and before she knew it she had lied about the note to Haley, even though she knew it would hurt Nathan in the process. Somewhere in the back of her mind she also saw the fragile love growing between her childhood friend and his tutor and with that she knew that Nathan wouldn't go back to Peyton. Peyton was free to go after Lucas, and with that their little love-rectangle plus one had just been set.

Still, that night when the party came to an end and she had fallen asleep on Nathan's bedroom floor, he didn't yell at her or throw her out. He woke her up softly, had her change into some of his sweats and gave her coffee…

Sitting at the kitchen-table she watched him pour some coffee into a big mug. She was still a bit drunk but not enough so that she didn't see the tired slope of his shoulders. She pulled her hands into the long sleeves of the sweater he had given her and bit her bottom lip, sensing that he was disappointed.

"Nate…" she said quietly and he turned and came over to the table. He put the mug in front of her and sat down.

"Drink that Brooke."

She sipped the hot fluid, holding the mug with both hands. He was watching her and she felt a little uneasy.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, but she knew that there was really now use in saying it since it didn't help. He knew too, but he nodded.

"I know you are…"

Closing his eyes for a second, he sighed "When are you going to stop Brooke? Aren't you sick of feeling sorry the day after? I sure am sick of hearing you say it…"

If there had been any signs of anger or resentment in his voice she would probably have gotten angry at those words, but he just sounded tired and sad and the words carved right into her heart.

"I miss you B, you know that right? I miss the girl you used to be…"

Tears formed in her eyes, but the big mug hid them as she took a few more sips of the coffee.

"…Why can't you just push back on life? Rise above yourself and show everyone that you're special? You know that you are Brooke. You just have to step up…"

"I trying…" she whispered. "And I know it sounds lame but I really wanted Lucas to like me… Maybe if a guy like him could see ME, not just the slutty girl everybody else sees, then maybe I could see her too…"

Nathan shook his head in disbelief and sighed. She knew he hated his brother, he never hid that fact, and Brooke could clearly see that this was neither the answer Nathan had looked for or the one he was expecting.

"Lucas is not for you Brooke" he said tiredly. "He will never understand you or why you are who you are… The last thing you need is to get into something with that moron. Besides, he likes Peyton, didn't you notice?"

She looked down into the table's wooden surface, feeling like she wanted to cry, but she hadn't cried in front of someone for a long time and she held the tears back in and said nothing.

"You need to stop drinking like this though Brooke. Can't you see that you're hurting yourself?" The pain was evident in his voice as he almost whispered "Don't you remember what happened last time?"

She didn't answer him then either, didn't know what she would say even though she remembered just fine, and they sat there for a long while in silence. When she put the empty mug down on the table he stood up.

"Come on, I'll drive you to Peyton's house…" he said, not looking at her. "As long as you're this destructive I really can't handle this… I don't want to watch you punish yourself anymore. And I can't keep punishing myself…"

Then he walked out and on towards the car in the driveway. And she followed him without a word, knowing that this was the last time in a long time that he helped her out.

She had remembered all of it the next morning, even though she pretended that she didn't. And after that night a new kind of friendship had started between herself and Nathan, beginning with her patching up what she had destroyed between him and Haley. But this new friendship was a much more apprehensive one, fragile and not half as close as before. It wasn't until days ago that they had touched base with the closeness they once had and she didn't want to ruin it again.

Still she had left him standing in the driveway, looking scared and frustrated, because it scared her to rely on Nathan again this way. And that was also why she had pushed him away last night.

Funny thing, those Scott-brothers, she thinks as she pushes the gas-pedal down even more. One used to be her best friend and the other used to be her boyfriend, even the love of her life. She still loves them both but they had both left her when she needed them the most. And right now that means that she has to cut them both off, because after years of feeling betrayed and forgotten by her parents she can't handle anymore rejection.

One the seat beside her the cell-phone lights up, flashing Lucas' name on the display. He calls one time, two, three, but she lets it keep ringing without picking up. And she keeps driving.

---

Lucas still stands in the garden dialing Brooke's cell-phone number over and over when Nathan comes towards him. His brother's eyes are dark and his jawline tensed.

"What the fuck is your problem?! Are you in fact retarded or did you just completely miss that Brooke has been drinking? How could you just let her leave?!"

Lucas sighs, knowing that this time Nathan is right for yelling at him. But when Brooke kissed him and he saw the 'goodbye' in her eyes, he just kind of spaced out and let her go. It had been so evident in her eyes that there was absolutely nothing else he could do. Now, when it all had sunk in he's all too aware that this again had been the wrong decision, but again, it was a little late now…

"I'm an idiot…" he says quietly, more directed to himself than to his brother, but Nathan picks it up and hisses;

"Yeah? Tell me something I don't know!"

Lucas looks down and shuffles the gravel around with his tennis shoe. He feels bad as it is and Nathan's angry face doesn't really make it any better. Up until this minute his mind has been so focused on the thoughts of Brooke's eyes when she kissed him that it hasn't even crossed his mind that Brooke had been driving away drunk and upset. Now, a whole new sense of unease settles in the pit of his stomach.

"Just cut it out Nate…" he mumbles, still not looking up. "What was I supposed to do? Pin her down to the ground and wait for you to come and tell her that she couldn't leave? I mean since she apparently listens to you now and not me..."

But Nathan just huffs angrily. "You're just clueless of the power you have over her, aren't you? God, I wish you could have seen the state she was in last night, and how sad she was when she came back from talking to you earlier. Not to mention at the party last week… How the hell can you NOT see that you're hurting her? Huh?"

"But I'm…" he starts, ready to defend himself, but Nathan cuts him off.

"She's worked so hard to keep herself together lately but you just can't let her heal, can you?"

Something in his brother's voice tells him that Nathan feels in some way guilty, and for the umpteenth time he wonders what past Brooke and his brother really shared. Lately it has seemed like Nathan was this over-protecting of Brooke against him to make up for something that he himself didn't know about and he wishes that he knew what this something was.

What was it Nathan had said at the River court?

"…if you're telling the truth about caring for her, then you have to know some things…"

Some things? What things? He looks at Nathan and his dark haired brother looks stressed and angry.

"Hey Nate, cut me some slack" he tries. "I went here tonight to talk to Peyton and I told her that I need to concentrate on getting Brooke back… cause I miss her so damn much… But then all that shit about the English-teacher got in the way and me and Brooke started arguing. I didn't want it to turn out like this, believe me…"

"Believe what? That you think that you're allowed to wallow in self-pity? And that you started fighting with Brooke instead of seeing that Peyton only wanted to cause drama?" Nathan's voice gets louder. "You seem to think that Peyton is this angel-like person, unable to do wrong. That she's oh so vulnerable and fragile and I bet that suites your hero-complex perfectly. But newsflash big brother, Peyton isn't fragile, she's cold as ice… Don't get me wrong, the girl has a place in my heart but she's been emotionally closed off ever since her first mom died, and however sad that is, it's still true. Peyton is only herself when she's with Brooke and after you came into the picture I'd say not even then."

All too aware that he is the reason that the girls everlasting friendship is broken, Nathan's last words hits him like knives. But Nathan seems to be on a war-path, because he just keeps going.

"You do know why Brooke let you go after mine and Haley's wedding, right?"

And Lucas does. But it still hurts to say it so he bends his head and returns to his shuffling of the gravel.

"Because I kissed Peyton in the library… and because I didn't miss her enough. At least that's what she said…"

Nathan rolls his eyes as if feeling extremely tired. "Not even you can be that dense! She left you because your precious Peyton went and told her that she loved you. And being the insecure girl Brooke is, she couldn't handle losing you again. So instead of waiting around for you to pick Peyton over her once more, she let you go hoping that maybe you would stick around and prove her wrong. But what did you do, you stupid ass? You just shrugged and went to spend all your free time with Peyton, proving she was right all along…"

"Hey, wait a minute…"

Nathan keeps talking but Lucas stops listening for a moment. What had his brother just said? That Peyton told Brooke that she… No. He must have misunderstood something here.

"What did you just say?" he asks Nathan, interrupting his brother's angry stream of words.

"That you're an asshole?"

"No, before that… What did Peyton say to Brooke?"

He couldn't have heard right. Peyton wouldn't do that to Brooke, and if she had, then Brooke surely would have told him. Right?

Nathan repeats the words, slower this time as if he is little kid that Nathan is explaining something really complicated to.

"Peyton proclaimed her love for you to Brooke at the rehearsal dinner. She said that she still had feelings for you…"

He hears Nathan loud and clear this time and suddenly more bits fit the puzzle. Especially about why Brooke had been so upset at the wedding and why she had brought up all those things earlier, about him not ever picking her over Peyton.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks quietly. "I mean, why didn't Brooke tell me? I would have behaved differently…"

Nathan doesn't answer but his eyes tell Lucas all he needs to know. And then Nathan sighs and turns to leave. But before he walks off he gives Lucas one last glare and hisses;

"As I just said Luke, you're just clueless aren't you?"

--------------

More than an hour has passed since Brooke left the party and Nathan calls her cell phone for the fiftieth time. And just as the previous forty-nine times he instantly gets re-directed to her voice mail. He has already left too many messages so he just hangs up.

He knows that if she's somewhere close to the Blue Post she would probably be 'out of area' but he had already been there and the bartender had said that he hadn't seen Brooke tonight. So there were three possible reasons to why she wasn't answering his calls. Either she just didn't want to talk to him or she was outside of city limits, maybe in another bar, too drunk to pick up the phone. The third reason is scarier, and thinking of it makes him frown. What if something had happened to her? If he knew her as well as he thought, then Brooke was really drunk by now and as usual she had been in rather revealing clothes. Someone could have dragged her off somewhere. She could have been mugged or hurt or… or raped…

For a second he's fifteen again, thrown back in time to the moment when he was just opening the door to the guest-room in his fathers beach-house.

But then he grabs the steering-wheel a little tighter and shakes his head to get rid of the unwelcome pictures the thoughts painted.

"Brooke is probably fine" he once again tries to tell himself. She has been on her own, doing crazy things, for a long time and he has to tell himself that she is old enough to manage on her own now. The first time she bought beer at a club with a fake-id she hadn't been a day over fourteen and a half. "But then why am I feeling so bad about this", he thinks and nervously dials her number again. "If I'm so sure she's fine, then why can't I just drop it and go home and sleep?"

There's still no answer and he knows why he's feeling bad. It's because the last two times that she'd been drunk lately she has shown him that maybe she couldn't take care of her self anymore. And he gets this icy feeling in his stomach at the thought of failing her again.

This last year he has almost forgotten how he used to worry about her. And he has to admit to himself that she had been happy with Lucas. Really happy. Still, driving around like this and looking for her brings back memories he really doesn't want to face.

Her facial expression in the car before she drove off doesn't make him any calmer, rather the opposite, and he remembers her words.

"Don't worry Nate, I'm going… you don't have to take care of me."

"Damn it Brooke!" he mutters and slams the steering-wheel with his fist. "Where the hell are you?"

He suddenly realizes that he can call Rachel and he searches for her number in his phonebook. He still has it after she went all stalkerish on him after the accident on the bridge and he mutters to himself for not thinking of this sooner. He finds it and hits the call-button, then waits as the signals pass.

"Hello?"

Rachel's voice is sleepy on the other end.

"Rachel? It's Nathan. Is Brooke with you?"

"Nathan… No…" she says confused as if she's not really awake yet and he want to reach through the phone and shake her. "…And although I enjoy a booty-call as much as the next girl, I am sleeping Nate… what's the problem?"

"She's not with you? Where would she go then? A bar? And not the Blue Post, I've already checked there…" His pulse is rising by the second and the images of Brooke lying somewhere in a ditch is back in his head.

"I don't know anything about a bar… I left with this guy in the middle of the game-party and I didn't see her there so I figured that she was somewhere talking to Lucas… Have you been to the house? Maybe you should check in Lucas' bed…"

Rachel is actually sounding a bit worried now as well even though she tries to cover it up with her usual nonchalant tone. And he puts two and two together. Rachel is not in the house since she is at some guy's place where she had fallen asleep thinking that Brooke had gone home. But if Rachel is sleeping and Brooke isn't in Rachel's house, then where the hell is Brooke?

"She's not home and she's definitely not with Lucas. Do you have any idea where else she could be?"

"If she's still out she'd probably be at this nightclub on the corner of Lexington and Maple Drive. That's where she met Nick…"

Angrily he slams the phone shut and turns the car around. Sure, Brooke might be in that nightclub, but inside he knows that it doesn't really matter if he finds her there or not. Because she'll be drunk and emotionally hurt and all he'll be able to do is drag her out to the car, drive her home and maybe even get her to cry some on his shoulder. But he won't be able to make all this better. He won't be able to comfort her, because even though they've hardly even talked during the last year and a half he still knows her well enough to know that he is not what she needs right now. She needs someone else, more specifically the guy that he had been trying to keep her away from the last couple of weeks.

He pushes down the gas-pedal a little harder, speeding back the way he came from, and dials another number on his cell phone. Once the person picks up on the receiving end he sighs and says:

"Luke… Are you still at the party? Look man, I don't want to argue, just go out to the driveway and I'll be there to pick you up in five minutes. I need your help bro… I can't find Brooke…"

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Author's note: So tell me what you think. I'd love to get to know what you like and don't like.

/Lynn