Author's note: I'm guessing the bar is set pretty high after the last chapter but this is a little different so I hope you won't get too disappointed with me. And to try to make up for not updating in over 6 months I'm making this the longest chapter I've ever posted for this story.

I hope you'll enjoy. Title and lyric's comes from the song 'Breakdown' by Plain White T's and thank you's are at the end.

-

CHAPTER 15 – Until I Break Down

I'm gonna drive until I break down
Hold it inside until I break down

Not gonna try until I break down
Save my goodbyes until I break down

"How the hell can a tiny girl like Brooke be so fast?" Nathan thinks as he runs after the brunette over the parking-lot. And before he can catch her she gets into her car, slams the door shut and drives off with the gravel spraying from under the tires. Cursing, Nathan turns and jogs back to his own car. And with at least three classes to go of the school-day he follows her.

It takes about four blocks before he spots her little blue beetle and even though he drives fast he still has to step on the gas to keep up with her. Sure, the streets are almost empty since there is hardly any traffic this time of day, but he pulls out his cell-phone and dials her number. Surprisingly she answers on the second signal.

"Slow down Brooke!" he kind of pleads into the receiver. "I get that you want to act out but you don't need to get yourself fucking killed in the process!"

He has expected her to just tell him to shut up but instead she sighs and by the rear-lights of her car he can tell that she's actually pushing the breaks a little.

"You don't need to follow me Nathan. Don't you have class?"

"Yes I do" he states calmly "but so do you… so a better question is; what hell happened and why are you driving way over the speed-limit in the opposite direction of your house?"

"I don't wanna talk about it…"

"Well tough luck B, because I do."

She sighs again, deeper this time, and the sound is hollow and full of hurt.

"I'm going to the River Court," she finally mumbles. "We can talk there." And then the only thing sounding in his ear is a beeping tone. Brooke has just hung up on him.

--

Lucas watches Nathan run off and leans back against the cold wall outside the bathroom door. Frustrated and confused he pulls a hand through his hair and looks down to notice that his sweatshirt is on inside out. When he breathes in he can still smell the scent of her and his fingertips still ache to feel her skin. Yet he's alone in the corridor.

"I can't do this… I'm too scared…"

He can hear her voice inside his head and it plays over and over.

"I'm too scared, and my heart can't take any more of this… I need a clean break Luke. There are things going on that you don't know and I'm too tired..."

He's still out of breath and he concentrates on trying to get his breathing to become slower, thinking that it's not the first time he's heard her say this. But when was the first time? Was it at Nathan and Haley's wedding?

"I needed to hear your voice… there's so much stuff going on with me…"

He remembers asking her 'what stuff' but she had simply kissed him, and right then he was just so relieved that she wasn't angry anymore that he had concentrated solely on the kiss. But then she broke up with him just hours later, and right now he wants to hit himself for not pressuring her to see what it had all been about. Maybe if he had, then he would have been able to fix things between them. Maybe they would have still been together? And if he had, maybe she wouldn't be running away from him after the just had sex in the school bathroom…

"Brooke…" he lets out silently, even though she's already disappeared. "Why can't you just trust me? I just need you to freaking trust me…"

He pulls out his cell, dialing the familiar number and waiting for her to pick up.

Hi, this is Brooke. I can't take your call but leave a message after the beep and I'll call you back as soon as I can…

He's sure she won't but he still leaves her a message.

"I love you pretty girl. I know you don't believe me, and I know that there are things you're not telling me… but I love you. I don't think I'll ever stop…"

--

After parking the car Nathan silently follows Brooke over to the worn out pic-nic table and it pains him to see her whole body-language being so sad. Her shoulders are slumped, head hanging down and her fists are clenched. And when she sits down she pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them in an almost childlike manor.

"So are you gonna tell me what happened or are you going to make me guess?" he says softly and sits down beside her.

She doesn't answer and it doesn't surprise him. He already knows that he's going to have to pull the information out of her, and by that he can assume that she also blames herself for something in this mess. So in order to get her to snap out of her apathy he tries to provoke her. At least an angry Brooke is better than a sad one.

"It's obvious that you slept with him, which was pretty stupid if you ask me, and I heard you when you said that you wanted him, but come on Brooke…"

No reaction. Not even a movement. So he keeps going;

"Were you just so horny that you couldn't stop yourself?"

This time she just blinks a couple of times and mouths a silent; "Nathan, stop…"

"No Davis, seriously… did you have to screw your ex in the school's bathroom? A little unnecessary, don't you think? No other available boys around? Not enough time to find an empty janitors-closet, huh?"

And now her head snaps around and her eyes are fire and ice when boring into his. Mission completed, he thinks. Brooke Penelope Davis is officially starting to get pissed off. At least now she'd talk.

"Shut up!" she hisses. "You have no clue, okay? No clue…"

There are no tears yet, no signs of her breaking down, but with knowing her for so long he knows that it's not far away.

"No I don't. But if you tell me I will. No judgement B, I promise. Just as long as you tell me…"

The brunette sighs deeply, still eying him suspiciously, and he reaches out and grabs her small hand in his big one before he continues;

"Did he say something that hurt you? I mean, he didn't force himself on you, right? Because if he did then you know that I'll kill him, don't you?"

She shakes her head and lets him intertwine his fingers with hers. "No… as you said, I wanted him to have sex with me. I have no idea why since I was furious at him, but he just… I don't know… Just don't be angry with him…"

She falls silent again and Nathan figures that she's hesitating on what to tell him. So he waits and the both just sit and watch the abandoned basketball-court. On the tree-trunk on his left he can clearly see Brooke's and Lucas' initials carved into the wood. A heart is carved around the letters and he thinks back on that night when Lucas did that. It had been before the school-shooting, before Keith died and everything got this messy. Looking at it now that night feels light-years away, like a distant foggy memory.

Nathan watched as Lucas and Brooke laughed together. His blond older brother was giving her what looked like an unwilling piggyback-ride and her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck.

"Carry me to the table!" he heard Brooke giggle but Lucas reached behind his back and tickled her until she fell off from laughing too much.

"No way Pretty girl. You have feet, remember?"

Brooke tickled him back but she was obviously losing the battle and Nathan smiled as the little brunette dropped to the ground with his brother on top of her, and before he knew it they were lost in a typical Brooke and Lucas make-out session.

"Get a room man!" Skills shouted from the court but it obviously fell on def ears. He himself wrapped an arm around Haley's shoulders and kissed his wife's temple.

"They seem happy" she said softly and he nodded. They did, and actually it surprised him. After the chaos last spring when Lucas and Peyton cheated behind Brooke's back, he thought the saga of Brooke and Lucas was definitely over, never to be started again.

"I mean look at them…" his wife mused. "They belong together. They're like freaking yin and yang."

And as he watched the couple get off the ground and Lucas pulling Brooke over to the big tree right by the table he couldn't help but agree. Brooke seemed calmer with Lucas and Lucas just always seemed more alive when Brooke was around.

Then Lucas started carving a heart in the tree-trunk and Brooke was kissing his neck and whispering stuff Nathan couldn't make out. He recognized the huskiness in her voice though, she used that voice on a lot of guys, but there was something that was different from when she usually teased boys. She sounded genuinely happy… content. And then he heard her say;

"I love you Luke…"

And he realized that he hadn't heard her say that to anyone in years.

"My head and my heart aren't agreeing…" he suddenly hears her say and he snaps back into reality. "It's like a fucking internal war…"

She is still looking straight ahead but she keeps talking and he watches her out of the corner of his eye, thinking that in all the years he's known her he has never seen her look more vulnerable. All the times he comforted her when they were younger and all the nights he's seen her drunk or lost or lonely, all of them added together still would've made her look stronger then right in this moment.

"You still love him, don't you?" he asks carefully and she nods.

"Of course I do. That's why all this is so hard…"

She pushes herself off of the bench and stands up. Turns to him and watches him with a sad expression on her face. She looks frail, as if she's thinner and almost translucent.

"Do you think he still loves me?" she says quietly and to his own surprise he finds himself nodding.

"Yeah."

"Then do me a favour and keep him away from me. He said he wants me back, and I can obviously not trust myself around him."

He watches her in her tense posture. Wants to reach out and hug her. But instead he says;

"Do you really think he would hurt you again?"

She just stares in front of her, gaze all empty.

"I don't know… But if he does then I'll break Nate… for real…"

-----

It's been five days since she had the 'close encounter' with Lucas in the bathroom, and like a lot of times lately Brooke feels out of place when she parks her car in the school parking-lot.

She had never really been a studious girl but up until everything got screwed up between her and Lucas a couple of months ago, at least she had liked going to school. High School had been her world and she had ruled it with iron hand like a true queen should.

Happy and bubbly, with a soon to show bitchy attitude if someone dared to challenge her, she had breezed through every school-day since freshman year started. Boys followed her everywhere, ready to be at her beck and call. And she had plenty of minions that stood ready to hang out with her if she wanted company. She had been the social number one in Tree Hill High, just like her parent-free house had been the party-central. And being the average shallow cheerleader, she had mostly been concerned with nothing more than finding cute boys and raging parties. But over the last eighteen months she had found that she could be so much more than that. And she had realized that people actually liked her for being a good friend, not just because she was the popular girl.

Because eighteen months ago she met Lucas Scott and fell in love, and wanting to or not, she had changed.

Things around her haven't really changed just because she's no longer with Lucas. She is still envied of all the girls, and all the boys still dream of getting with her. But after being Lucas' girlfriend for so long she finds herself unable to go back to how she was before she met him. Sure, she can still get drunk but partying isn't as fun anymore and it had felt good to be 'nice'. Nice Brooke was a girl she felt proud of. But being without him makes it impossible to be the sweeter and calmer version of herself. And all this pretty much means that life at school is a constant feeling of being stuck in limbo.

Although entering the gym is a different thing all together. In here, accompanied by the sounds of bouncing basketballs and the screeching noises of sneakers sliding against the linoleum floor, she can play a role that she knows by heart. In here she is Brooke Davis, sexy and bitchy head cheerleader of the Tree Hill Ravens cheer squad. Nobody would aver dare to threaten that position and she would never let them.

The girls on the squad look up as she approaches them and wide smiles stretch over their faces. All except for Peyton of course.

"Why the long face goldilocks?" she smirks as she sets down her duffelbag on one of the lower benches. "It's not like you would had gotten the lead spot even if I hadn't turned up…"

Peyton just looks away and somehow Brooke feels a little disappointed. She kind of wishes that her former best friend would bitch back. Because right then Nathan and Lucas enter the gym from the locker room and fighting with Peyton would be so much easier than having to face Luke.

"Hey Brooke…" he says softly, stopping right behind her. And she turns her eyes to the floor.

"Hey…" she mumbles back. She doesn't want to look at him because she knows what that will do to her. And when she doesn't say anything else she hears him sigh and walk away. Rachel gives her a questioning look, as if to say 'when are you going to stop this?' but she shrugs it off and takes a deep breath before saying;

"Okay girls, lets get warmed up and get this show on the road…"

--

The game goes by pretty quickly but to Lucas it feels like years. He spends most of his time on the bench and he can't tear his eyes off of Brooke. He knows she loves cheering. If it wasn't for that she wouldn't even be here. And he knows this because the last couple of days she has been avoiding him like the plague. According to what he knows she has been to school but he hasn't seen her more then once or twice. He has called her a hundred times since she left him standing shirtless in the girls bathroom and not once has she picked up. He has sent her text-messages, even gone by Rachel's house a couple of times, but the only time someone actually opened the door it had been Rachel.

"She doesn't want to see you Luke… I have no idea what happened between you two but she has given me clear instructions that if I let you in, she'll punch me in the face… And not that I'm really scared of our little Brookie cookie, but she does have a pretty mean right hook and this nose was expensive…"

He sighed and kept holding the door open.

"Look Rach, I need to see that she is alright… Just give me two minutes…"

But the redhead shook her head. "I can't Lucas. I'm sorry but I promised her."

She walked out on the porch and closed the door behind her, probably making sure that Brooke wouldn't hear incase she was listening in the hallway. And looking at him sternly she said;

"As I said, I'm not sure what's going on between you guys. Brooke won't tell me. But if you wanna know how she is, then I can tell you that she isn't all that peachy."

She leaned against one of the big roman pillars and arched her eyebrow just like Brooke usually did. "You know what I don't get?" she continued. "It wasn't all that long ago that you came here looking for Brooke, and that time I asked you why you didn't fight harder for her… Today I came home and found my roommate in tears and the only thing I could understand from her incoherent sobbing was that she had some kind of confrontation with you… So now I'm thinking that if making her cry is your way of fighting for Brooke, then why don't you do us all a favor and just stop?"

She gave him one last cold look, a look that also held some kind of disappointment, and then she turned and pushed down the door-handle.

"And another thing Luke…" she mumbled before stepping back inside the house. "Don't leave anymore messages on the machine. She's pulled out the cord…"

He's ripped out of his thoughts by the sound of music and he realizes that Brooke and her squad are out on the floor. It's a weird sense of déjà vu when their eyes suddenly meet and he is surprised to see that she doesn't look away. But it's not like at the game a couple of weeks ago, when she had that fake cheery smile glued to her face and her eyes looked all empty. This time she just looks sad.

Rachel stands next to her and the redhead watches him closely, giving him the feeling that she'll step in between if he as much as tries to confront his brunette ex-girlfriend. And then Nathan steps up beside him, clearing his throat to get his attention. When he looks up Nathan simply says;

"You and me big brother… after the game."

Confused, he stares at Nathan. "What? You want to fight me?"

"No. I want you to tell me your side of this shit… And if what Brooke's been telling me is true, then I need you to explain to me what the fuck is wrong with your head. Either way, this has to stop, so we need to talk so I can fix this…"

Lucas sighs. He doesn't want Nathan to 'fix things', doesn't want his brother to 'fix' Brooke… He wants to fix this mess himself, and if he could get Brooke to talk to him he's sure he could. If he could only make her understand that what he said there in the girls bathroom just before she rushed away from him had totally come out wrong. She had misunderstood him completely.

But of course she hasn't let him explain anything. And it bugs him as he sits on the bench in the gym that talking to Nathan and convincing him might be the best chance he has at even getting close to reconciling with his ex. The sad thing is that if he knew Brooke as well as he thought he did, then this didn't mean that they had taken one step back. Even if Nathan bought his reasons and talked to Brooke for him, then this mess surely meant that she'd block him out even more than before.

Looking at the past week she already had.

-

Lucas seems zoned out and Nathan guesses that he is lost in thoughts about Brooke again. He dries his face with the towel that's still in his hand and watches his older brother and to him it's clear than Lucas is remorseful. But even so, he still doesn't believe that what Brooke told him last night was true. It's not that he thinks that she's lying, but there must be some misunderstanding here. Because although his brother has proven again and again that he is an incorrigible screw-up, he actually believes that Lucas really loves Brooke and he wouldn't say those things… or would he?

No. He turns to Lucas one last time before the time-out is over.

"So as I said" he mutters as the referee signals the game starting up again. "Stick around in the locker-room. I need an explanation."

And this time his brother only nods before going back to staring at the brunette cheer-captain that's currently jogging back towards the sideline. And before Nathan goes back out on to the court he approaches Whitey and mutters;

"Can you please put my brother back in the game? We need his 3-point shot…"

Holding a grudge against Lucas for being a dickhead is really getting tiresome. And with this being the second to last game before the championship finals, he needs to get Lucas to snap back into focus. Otherwise both their basketball careers are screwed.

I've seen a man cry, I've seen a man shout out
Afraid of losing the woman he loves
I've seen a woman lying to her man flat out
Bout who she's been with and where she was
I've seen 'em both fight, and try to figure it out
This fighting isn't going anywhere

--

After the game Brooke drags her feet into the girls' locker room. She hadn't had any sleep last night because Nathan had forced her into another one of those late night talks. Or truthfully, Nathan had talked and she had been silent. He meant well but with Haley being pregnant and an upcoming championship she figures he has enough on his plate.

The rest of the night had been spent dosing off on the living room couch for short periods of time since Rachel had some boy over and she hadn't fallen into deep sleep until about 6 am. And then the alarm went off at seven, telling her that it all started over again.

Now she wants to just skip showering and head directly home but being captain she has to round the girls up for after-talk and prepare them for the hectic two weeks ahead. Winning this game had meant that they were now clear for the championship final, and they all needed to bump their act up a level. Something that she is honestly too tired to do.

Bevin catches up with her and being her usual untactful but caring self she starts to babble on and on about Lucas and how he had stared at her all through out the game. In a way she doesn't want to hear it, but she had seen it herself. Seen the looks he was giving her, seen the lack of concentration he displayed out on court, and she feels almost as sorry for him as she feels for herself. But acknowledging that he is trying to get her attention means that she has to talk to him and she's scared. Scared that if she does, she won't be able to go on with closing him out like this.

She kicks off her sneakers and pulls the top over her head, then she steps out of her skirt and cheer-bloomers before walking into the showers. The hot water is heaven on her skin and she closes her eyes and wonders if people would notice if she cried in here.

But it stays as just a thought. She would never be that unguarded.

Afterwards she dresses and then goes through next week's workout schedule with her squad. And maybe some of her tiredness shines through, because no one argues the long hours planned. Not even the curly blonde in the back.

"I'll pick the new songs tonight…" she finishes and rubs her temples. "Just be in time for practice on Monday."

The girls all leave the locker room in small groups, gossiping and giggling, and she sighs and starts rounding up her stuff. Rachel lingers too, and after a couple of minutes the redhead clears her throat.

"Hey Brooke… are you okay?"

She nods absentmindedly and shoves a sneaker into her bag.

"Are you sure? You know I'm leaving to see my parents for the weekend… and since the maid is off this week, you'll be all by yourself. Will you manage?"

The way in which Rachel tries to look out for her should really be endearing, but instead she feels irritated. It could be because she's jealous that Rachel's parents still cares enough to send for her once in a while, but she chooses to think that it's more because the caring words belittles her.

"Of course I'll be fine Rach. I'm not five."

The redhead lets out an annoyed sigh.

"Yeah well, I'm going. I'll see you Sunday…"

And then she disappears out of the locker room too.

Brooke stuffs the other sneaker down with the first and zips the bag shut. It's Friday. She's headed home to a huge empty house that's not even hers and she needs to sort out the stupid music that Peyton had always taken care of.

She hasn't had a decent night's sleep in weeks and she longs for a drink. But what's new?

Of course she'd be fine.

-

I've seen a child's eyes
Watching her parents freak out
I know they see her but they just don't care

The house is a lot darker than Brooke has expected. A lot more silent too.

She drops her stuff just inside the front door and turns on the light, but it just gets so far and the rooms beyond the lit hallway suddenly seem even darker. Her stomach makes angry hungry noises and she tries to remember when she last ate. Lunch had been skipped two days in a row in favor of avoiding Lucas. Had it been this morning? No, she had woken up late and forgot breakfast. Maybe last night?

Determined to solve the issue she heads into the kitchen and opens the big fridge. And remembering that the maid is off this week, she sighs. Because the shelves hold nothing but half a carton of orange juice and some left over pasta that surely has seen it's best days.

"Typical…" she mutters and grabs the juice carton. Well, she had survived without dinner before. Instead she heads up to the darker upper floor and turns on the light in the bedroom.

She changes into a pair of sweats and longingly looks at the soft pillows on her bed. Although she doesn't lie down. First of all because she knows that downstairs, in her bag, she has over twenty new routines that needs a look-over, and she also needs to start searching for those songs. But there is also another reason.

She can't.

Sleeping alone in a big empty house is out of the question because it scares her shitless.

She sighs at her own weakness and walks back down the stairs. She's always been afraid of the dark. That's why she had always stayed at Peyton's or Nathan's house when they were kids and her parents were away. Peyton knows it scares her, and Nathan probably does too, even though she's never told him flat out, afraid that he'd tease her.

Lucas probably just thought that it was a 'cute' excuse she had used to make him stay over on nights when he claimed he had to go home.

But none of them knows to what extent this fear goes. None of them are aware that there have been times when she hasn't slept for three days because she had been alone. Or that this was the root to her earlier love of all-night outings or slumber parties.

In the hallway she grabs her bag again and brings it, along with her laptop, into the living room. In there she turns on all the lights, sets the TV on a comedy, and settles on the couch with her computer balanced on her lap.

An icon in the lower right hand corner tells her she has a new email and she opens it absentmindedly. But when she reads it, her heart sinks.

From: Webmaster
To: Brooke Davis
Title: RE: Where are you?

Status delivery failure: Message could not be delivered due to unknown reason. Please try sending it again. If the problem consists, contact the appropriate web-host.

From: Brooke Davis
To: Victoria Davis.
Title: Where are you?

Hi mom. I've tried calling you for weeks. Are you and dad even still living in LA?
Dad's secretary said he's on vacation and the number to your house is not in use anymore. Maybe it's just something wrong with it, but I'm not sure how to get in touch with you and dad.
Anyways. I wanted to make sure that you're both okay and I also need to talk to you. I guess you'll just shrug at this, but I've failed four classes already and I don't know what to do about college anymore… Please, just call me. My cell phone number is still: 302-567 34 81

Love/ Brooke.

It's an automatic response. A bounce-back. Without any other information than that her e-mail couldn't be delivered. Probably because the inbox on her mothers email account is full.

Sighing, she presses her hands to her temples to try and relieve the thumping headache. What had she expected, really? Well, a response probably. And of course not some loving assurance that all would be well and that her mom would come home and help her fix this. More likely a scolding for being worthless and lazy in school. But she hadn't expected to not get in touch with them at all.

When she thinks about it, she hasn't talked to her mother in over two months. Almost three.

She shuts the email-window and opens her iTunes instead. Turns up the volume on the TV to drown out the sound of the wind outside and folds her legs under her body.

She wonders what Lucas is doing…

It won't stop if they don't stop yelling
It's not the way of working your problems out
I can't stand being around this yelling
So I'm finding my way out

--

Lucas looks at his wristwatch and opens the door to his car. 10.30 PM. Had Whitey really talked that long?

It's dark out, kind of cold too, and he buckles his seatbelt and turns the ignition key. Nathan had probably left long ago and since the after-game party at Bevin's house is as far from what he wants as it can possibly get, he just heads home, thinking that Nathan would call him if he still wanted to talk.

Once he gets home, he realizes that his mother has already gone to bed, so he does the same. And lying under the covers, staring up at the ceiling, he thinks about his conversation with his coach.

"So how are you coping with everything Lucas? I haven't really talked to you in a while."

Whitey's eyes searched for his, and he looked down at the table's surface, not feeling like talking at all.

"I'm alright I guess… Mom is better now too."

"I'm glad to hear that. You'll have to send my regards to Karen."

Silence engulfed the small coach's office. He shifted in his seat and Whitey cleared his throat, but then they fell back into silence.

"Listen coach…" he finally mumbled. "I'm fine. Really. Was there anything else? Because I think Nathan is waiting for me…"

"Well, I just need a minute."

The seriousness in which Whitey said the short phrase made him just nod quietly, and then his coach lent back in the chair and watched him intently.

"I'm a little worried Lucas…" he said slowly. "…about your girlfriend. She has not been herself lately and I know that it is not my business, but from what I heard she's been falling behind in a lot of classes. And I might be old and dumb but I can't for the life of me understand why. Not when she's dating straight A student Lucas Scott and she's best friends with this school's finest tutor…"

He had looked up at the mention of Brooke, but now his gaze returned to the wooden desk.

"We broke up…" he mumbled, still feeling awkward when saying it out loud. "About two months ago."

"Aha… and because of that you can't help her out? I guess Haley broke up with her too?"

The sarcasm didn't go unnoticed and he sighed and finally met the eyes of his coach.

"I didn't know, okay? We…uhm… I mean Brooke and I… we're not really on speaking terms."

"As I said, you might think I'm old and bordering on senile, and that I have no clue about the interactions between the students of this school. But see, this is the situation that I'm in: My cheer-captain, the best cheer-captain this school has seen in years, is sleepwalking since a month back. She skips school, she comes to practice either hung over or looking like a ghost, and now she's on the verge of flunking out of high school with less than four months left of senior year…"

He tried to cut in but the older man kept talking.

"On top of this I have both the co-captains of our varsity team running around like headless chickens, fighting and yelling at each other at games and in the hallways. And then I hear that what you and your brother are fighting about is same said Brooke Davis, and I'm starting to wonder what's going on…"

"Nathan should just stay out of my business…" he muttered, but he could hear himself and the response sounded weak at most.

"Why? He has a past with Ms. Davis. They grew up together and I'm proud to see him finally show some concern. I'd say she needs her friends now."

They went back to silence for a while and he felt guilty for sounding like a self-centered kid. Of course it was good that Nathan was there for Brooke, and lately things between him and his brother had seemed a little bit better. But he still had that jealous feeling in his stomach, the one that told him that Nathan should just stay away.

"What do you want me to do?" he said silently. "I mean, she won't talk to me. Maybe you should have this conversation with my brother instead…"

"I already have, and he tells me that you're the one with the power here. It took him some effort to come out and say it, but apparently you're the one that could get her through what ever it is that is troubling her, and since Brooke has been there for you so much this last year, I'd say that this is a very good time to start repaying that…"

He stares at the ceiling and sighs. In the last few weeks everything has gotten so much more complicated. It's been a rollercoaster, and not only all the twists and turns within his relationship to the worlds most beautiful brunette, but also within himself.

When Brooke dumped him two months back he had been devastated. Then, when she told him she wouldn't fight for him and he found out that she had been sleeping with the English teacher, he had been disappointed and later on even furious. But since the night that he and Nathan found her in the bar drunk of her ass, he had felt nothing but heartbroken… Heartbroken and worried.

And nothing in his conversation with Whitey had made the worry lessen.

It's closer to midnight now and he hesitantly reaches for his phone. There's absolutely no use calling Brooke, because even if she isn't drunk at Bevin's party, she won't pick up. He knows that from experience. Instead he dials his brother's number and Haley picks up.

"Hi Hales…"

"Luke? How are you buddy?"

She sounds a little sleepy and he says sorry for waking her up. But she just hushes him and tells him its okay.

"It's nice to hear your voice. But I guess you're looking for Nathan. He said you got stuck with Whitey after the game."

"Yeah. Is he around?"

Silently he contemplates if he should tell Haley about Whitey's concern for Brooke. Brooke would probably go crazy, she hated when people went behind her back, but maybe Haley could help?

"He's sleeping, I'll go wake him up…"

She calls for his brother, but he stops her.

"No Haley, don't wake him up… but… uhm… can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

He hesitates for a second, but decides that he can't really make the situation worse with Brooke either way.

"Did you know that Brooke was flunking in school? Has she asked you for help?"

"What? No… I had no idea… Or well, I know she's had some problems in her Calculus-class but…"

She sighs and he does too.

"I'm really worried about her Hales. Really worried…"

"Me too…"

I've seen a child's eyes
I've seen her living in doubt
Not ever knowing what it's like to be in love
I've seen her friends trying
Just to help her get out
She never told them what the problem really was

-

"So this is what you do alone on a Friday night?" Brooke thinks to herself as she sits Indian style on her couch, still searching the internet for a suitable song. She knows she's been at it for hours, but when she looks at the florescent numbers on the DVD's display, it still surprises her to see that it's already morning.

06.37 AM.

She's found nothing. Not a single song that's even close to useful, and the last hour she's even tried to get used to the idea of crawling back to Peyton for help. Lucas could probably help her out too. But Lucas is forbidden grounds.

She stretches out her back and groans. It's dawning outside and the slight headache that's been bothering her all day is turning into a full-blown migraine.

She gets up on shaky legs and heads out to the kitchen to get a couple of Advil. She feels dizzy and a little nauseous, probably due to lack of both food and sleep, and she makes a mental note to go to the store as soon as she's slept a little.

She's never been a fan of dieting and now she remembers why. She hates being hungry.

The medicine cabinet in the kitchen cupboard is stocked with so many different types of pill-containers that it looks like a small pharmacy, and she roams around in it in search for a brand of painkillers that she's familiar with. It's mostly per scripted sleeping pills and anti-depressants though. Rozerem, Zoloft, Triazolam, Paxil… She knows them all, even though she's never tried them. Her mom's been popping pills for years and apparently so does Mrs Gatina.

A sedative drug is probably the last thing she needs when being this tired. She's so exhausted that she feels as if she's going to pass out at any moment. She longs for sleep. Dreamless sleep. And suddenly the anti-depressants look kind of inviting.

"Finally…" she mumbles to herself when her fingers close around a pack of Tylenol. But her hands are shaking and her knees feel weak, and she has to grab onto the shelf with her free hand for support.

Maybe she should eat that left over pasta after all? Or maybe she should just go lie down and never get up again…

I'm gonna drive until I break down
Hold it inside until I break down
Not gonna try until I break down
Save my goodbyes until I break down

-

It's almost seven o'clock on Saturday morning when Lucas closes the front door behind him and takes the few steps down the porch. He's slept four hours at most, because after hanging up with Haley, his thoughts had kept him awake until after two o'clock in the morning. But he needs this run so he puts in the earplugs to his iPod and cranks the volume up a notch or two before starting to jog down the empty street.

Normal people were probably in their beds sleeping at this hour on a Saturday, but then again, normal people didn't have a championship to play in less than two weeks or a stupid heart condition that needed constant cardio build-up training.

He bobs his head to Rooney's 'Blueside' as he picks up the pace and rounds the corner of Mason Street with ease. Thinks that maybe he should run by Nathan's house and ask his brother if he wants to come along. Maybe they could have that talk that Nathan wanted to have last night and that Whitey had gotten in the way of.

It's cold outside and he pulls his hands into the sleeves of his sweater. He misses the friendship and brotherly bond between himself and Nathan. Everything had been such a mess lately, and since Nathan and Brooke got close again, his brother had hardly talked to him at all. A couple of weeks ago that would have made him angry, but now, with recent events in mind, he's glad that Brooke has Nate. Nathan knew stuff about the brunette that he obviously didn't and since he worries more and more about his ex-girlfriend for every day that passes, he feels a little better knowing that Nathan keeps an eye on her.

That she'll at least tell Nathan what's wrong.

Last night at the game she hadn't looked that peachy. Beautiful as always of course, but pale, tired and somewhat hollow. Distracted and zoned out. And as the first tunes of 'Boston' fills his ears, he once again thinks of what she had said.

"There are things going on that you don't know and I'm too tired..."

What? What the hell could it be that he had missed?

The song is probably too slow to run to but it makes him think of Brooke and he lets it be. Rachel's house comes into view on his left side and he pictures Brooke in her pj's, all tucked in and sleeping. But then he sees that the light in the kitchen is turned on and he slows down a bit.

Was she awake or was it Rachel?

He turns left and walks up the driveway to the mansion-like house, thinking that he'll just sneak a peak through the window, but then he realizes how weird that would seem if someone saw him, and instead he rings the doorbell. Maybe a tired Rachel was easier to persuade into letting him talk to Brooke than a wide awake one.

But no one opens the door.

He rings the bell again and looks back over his shoulder. Rachel's car is nowhere to be seen, but Brooke's blue Volkswagen is parked in the middle of the driveway. And for reasons unknown to him, he suddenly feels a little uneasy.

He tries the door and as usual in Tree Hill, it's unlocked.

"Brooke?" he says and takes a couple of steps inside. "Rachel?"

From where he stands he can see that the TV in the livingroom is on but still no one answers him, and by now the uneasiness has turned to worry. Neither the Brooke nor the Rachel he knows would be up at this hour.

"Brooke? Are you here?" he tries again and heads for the kitchen. And he just has to take two steps into the room before he sees her. His heart stops.

"Brooke!"

He runs over to her. Crashes down beside her where she's laying on the floor and tries to find her pulse with shaking hands. She's unconscious, pale as a ghost, and sprinkled all around her there are pills in different sizes and colors.

"No… no, no… don't do this…" he mumbles and tries shaking her. "What the hell have you done?"

She doesn't react and he shakes her harder.

"Brooke, what the fuck have you DONE?!"

His hands are shaking so bad that he almost drops his cell phone but he manages to dial 911 and jams the cellular stuck between chin and shoulder while keeping his other hand on her pulse-point.

"911… what is your emergency?"

"Hello? I think my girlfriend has tried to kill herself… She's taken pills and… and she's not waking up…"

His voice is uneven and he feels as though someone is slowly choking him. This could not be fucking happening.

"Your name and location, please."

"Lucas Scott. I'm at Lawrence Street… number 304 I think… the big house on the hill… I can't tell if she has a pulse…"

"Is she breathing? Check her airways, sir."

He grabs her chin and her jaw is slack so he easily gets her mouth open. She doesn't seem to be choking on anything and by now he can feel tiny breaths against his hand.

"She's breathing!"

"Good. Then she has a pulse too. I'm sending an ambulance but please stay on the line. Do you have any idea of what kind of pills she has taken? Or how many?"

He has pulled her head up into his lap and he feels so helpless. He keeps stroking her cheek, her hair, and he keeps wondering how he could have let it get to this. The jars and containers are spread out on the floor around her body and he reaches for the closest one as if he's having an out of body-experience.

"Tri…Triazolam?" he says weakly, not even knowing what that is. Then he grabs the next jar. "Zoloft… um… Paxil? Damn it, there's so many pills here..."

His voice is cracking as he tries to reach the fourth container and the woman on the lines soothes:

"It's alright, sir. Try to stay calm. The ambulance will be there any moment. Just keep checking her breathing and pulse."

He does. It's the only thing he can do. And as the operator keeps talking, he closes his eyes and does something he hasn't done since the school shooting. He prays.

"Sir? The ambulance is pulling up to the house now. You need to open the door and let the medics inside."

The thought of leaving Brooke is ridiculous. Insane.

Instead he mumbles: "The front door is unlocked. We're in the kitchen." And when he hears the sirens getting louder, he simply puts the cell phone down on the floor.

If Brooke didn't get through this, he would never forgive himself.

And he would never forgive her.

I've seen a suicide, he couldn't figure it out
He blamed himself
Because they couldn't get along
I've seen her parents' eyes trying to figure it out
Where did our baby go and what went wrong?

--

It's weird how the alarm clock can sometimes keep ringing for hours without waking him, but when his cell phone lets out one tiny little 'beep' to signal the incoming text-message, Nathan's wakes up instantly.

Groaning, he looks at the clock and shakes his head. What could anyone possibly want before nine o'clock in the morning on a Saturday? Wasn't that the perks of not living with his father anymore? That he'd actually be able to sleep in on the weekends?

He carefully moves to get the phone from the nightstand and Haley sighs in her sleep and turns to find a new sleeping position. As silently as possible he flips it open and even before he's finished reading, he shoots up into sitting position.

Hospital. Brooke. Now.

While dialing his brother's number, he flings his arm out and grabs his wife, shaking her.

"Haley!"

"…What?" she mumbles into the pillow and he listens to the signals passing without Lucas picking up.

"There's something wrong with Brooke. Lucas just sent me a text… I think she's in the hospital."

Now Haley suddenly seems wide-awake too, and she sits up and rubs the sleep from her eyes.

"Why? What happened? Why is he with Brooke? Are you calling Lucas now?"

He nods as an answer to the last question, that's the only one he has the answer to. But as the voicemail starts, the sinking feeling in his stomach worsens. He pushes re-dial and starts to get out of bed. And with one hand he starts pulling on his jeans.

"He's not answering Hales… We need to head down there. What if it's bad?"

She gets up too and they both dress quickly and in silence and he keeps re-dialing Lucas' number without luck. They get into the car and all the way over to Tree Hill Memorial he keeps thinking the same thing.

What if it's bad? What if it's really bad?

Haley is a lot more productive. She calls Rachel, Bevin and Peyton, but none of them know anything about where Brooke is or if she's okay. Apparently Rachel is with her parents in New Orleans, and the notion that Brooke had been alone without him knowing makes him feel even worse.

They reach the hospital and when parking he realizes that he doesn't even know where to look since they have no idea what's wrong with her. But Haley pulls him towards the emergency entrance and he follows.

"I'm sure she's fine, Nathan" Haley tries, but it falls short. The worry in her voice is too evident.

"Yeah…" he mumbles back to please her and then he quickly makes his way over to the nurse's desk. He knows his way around here. Too well.

He gives the guy behind the reception counter Brooke's name and birthdate and waits impatiently as he goes through some files and types a few commands on the computer.

"Brooke Davis… yeah, they brought her in a while ago with ambulance. Are you family?"

He nods. "Yeah, her brother."

"Well, I can't tell you anything about her condition. You should talk to her doctor. But her boyfriend is over there… He was the one that brought her in, maybe he knows more?"

Looking in the direction of the guy's pointed finger, he sees Lucas slumped in a chair on the other side of the waiting area. And the way his brother leans his head in his hands does nothing to make him feel less worried.

He makes it over there without even thanking the male nurse and as he gets closer he says his brother's name to get his attention.

"Luke, what's going on?"

Lucas head snaps up and the expression on his face sends tendrils of ice under Nathan's skin.

"She… she tried to kill herself, Nate… she took pills… I... I found her on the floor…"

The room disappears and the only thing he sees is Lucas' face. His brother's eyes are full of tears and he breathes in, realizing that all this is just a weird and really sick dream. Brooke would never do that. Peyton maybe, but never Brooke. She loves life way too much.

But however much he shakes his head, or bites the inside of his cheek in order to wake himself up, nothing happens. He even bites through his own skin, tasting blood, but he still doesn't wake up.

Lucas is serious.

Haley gasps beside him, and by the movement in the corner of his eye he knows that she has just covered her face in her hands.

"You're lying…" he whispers, but Lucas shakes his head.

"No. I wish I was."

Mentally, he falls to the floor crying. But the physical version of himself stands rooted in the same spot and he just closes his eyes slowly.

"Where is she now? Is she awake?"

"She woke up in the ambulance. They've taken her to get her stomach pumped…"

Lucas' voice breaks and Haley wraps him up in her arms and hugs him. But Nathan still just stands there, fists clenched and jaw tense. Then he turns on the spot and walks towards the double doors. He can hear Haley call him but he just keeps walking. He doesn't care if Brooke isn't allowed visitors.

She would have to see him.

I'm gonna drive until I break down
Hold it inside until I break down…

---

Author's note: (IMPORTANT)

I upped the rating of this story to M since I've realized that some of the content is pretty dark. Plus it gives me more room in the smut-department ;). Just wanted you to know.

Sometimes a story takes a turn one might not have thought from the start. And when that happens, things might get pretty weird. For months I've tried shoving this story back into its original outline, but it just wouldn't budge. And after almost 7 months I've finally succumbed to pressure. LOL. This means that what originally was meant to be a story of about 15 chapters will now be longer. But the good thing is that it will still fit my original outline if you guys just stay patient and let me take this little detour.

I also feel that I need to tell you how extremely thrilled I am to see that so many of you actually still want this story updated. All you girls (and boy) on FF never stopped asking for this and it makes me ecstatic. Especially Cami and Denise deserve shout out's in this department since they never stop nagging me. :D

Special thanks also goes out to my Cas, who read through this for me. To Daniel for being lovely. To Chey, Emma, Hil, Hannie and Ellie because you're all just amazing. And to all you others!!! Your reviews keep making me feel happy.

/Lynn