Author's note: I'm not even gonna give excuses. If I would, they would suck anyway. So I'm just going to say that all of you are amazing, and that I think every single one of you recognizes the title and lyrics.
-l-
CHAPTER 16 – For Blue Skies
It's been a long year
since we last spoke.
How's your halo?
Lucas walks slowly in the same direction in which Nathan ran off minutes ago, leaving Haley behind to call Karen. He concentrates on putting one foot in front of the other, slowly making progress down the long white corridor.
He honestly can't decide if he really wants to see Brooke. The picture of her lifeless form is still etched on the inside of his eyelids every time he closes his eyes, and he feels as though he wouldn't be able to take it if she still looks the same.
Somehow he feels as if that would simply make him fall apart.
But when he rounds the next corner, he sees her through the open door to room 476. She is sitting up in the hospital bed and it's obvious that she's crying. Even though there's no sound, tears fall rapidly down her cheeks and she keeps wiping them away furiously.
He stops in the doorway and looks at her, but she doesn't see him because her eyes are turned towards Nathan who is standing by the bedside.
"I don't understand how the hell you could do something like this!" his brother yells angrily, "I mean how stupid could you get Brooke? You could have fucking died!!"
She shakes her head and again wipes away tears with her hand.
"Stop yelling at me Nathan! I haven't done anything!"
"You haven't DONE anything?! Are you fucking insane? Then what do you call it when you've shoved half a pharmacy down your throat, huh? When you have to go by ambulance to the emergency in order to not fucking DIE!! What do you call that? A game? Is this a damn game to you?!"
Nathan's voice keeps rising and now Brooke's sobs are audible. And even though he understands why Nathan is angry, he wishes that he wouldn't yell at her like this. Because she looks so frail in her hospital-gown and with the IV still attached to her hand. So lost and vulnerable and frightened.
"I didn't take any pills Nate… I swear… I told them, in the ambulance… I wasn't…"
"Enough Brooke! Seriously! God, I'm so angry at you!"
He sees Nathan take a deep breath and when his younger brother pulls his hand through his hair he can clearly see how bad Nathan's hands are shaking. He stays in the doorway as Nathan takes a step closer to the bed and then stops again, seemingly unable to decide if he should just hug the crying brunette or if he should keep yelling at her.
It's obvious that Nathan is going through the same emotions that he himself had just an hour ago. Anger, frustration, guilt, fear. When he found Brooke lifeless on the floor, there had just been so many emotions fighting to get out, and when the doctor said she would make it, anger had been one of the biggest, actually even bigger than relief.
But while waiting in the waiting room the anger had sunk back and given room for guilt, sadness and fear. And to the hundreds of questions he wants to ask her, like 'why?'…
Most of all he just wants to ask Brooke why.
If it weren't for the way Nathan had barged into Brooke's room without caring about hospital rules, he would probably still sit in that cold chair in the waiting area, asking that same question over and over.
"I can't believe you would do something like this B…" Nathan mumbles with a voice that's suddenly cracking up. "Why didn't you just tell me it was this bad? I could have helped you… I could've…"
Nathan lets his hand fall down again and lets out a shaky sigh before adding "I don't even know what to say to you… How could you do this to me when you know that you almost killed me back when you drank yourself unconscious? It's not okay Brooke! Damn it…"
Up until now Brooke has seemed detached and sluggish, but from out of nowhere she bursts out:
"I didn't take the god damn pills! I didn't try to kill myself, but that's NOT the fucking point! The point is that if I had, then it wouldn't have been to hurt you or anyone else. God, Nathan you're just like Peyton. You think that everything revolves around you. But guess what? It doesn't!"
She sounds frustrated. Fed up. But it's the coldness in her voice that scares him as he watches the two brunettes fight it out from his position in the doorway. On some level he wishes he could yell too. Scream and throw things. But it's not how he works.
He can feel Haley's presence behind him in the doorway and when he glances at her, she puts a comforting hand on his arm as if to say 'everything will be fine'.
But Nathan, who currently looks up towards the ceiling and blinks away tears, is suddenly very silent. His dark-haired brother opens his mouth to say something, but then he closes it again.
"Don't lie to me, Brooke…" Nathan finally mumbles, and when he adds "Please…" then Brooke just covers her face and sobs harder.
"I'm not, Nate… I'm sorry! I didn't take the pills…"
He can't take it anymore and he steps into the room and hurries the last few feet over to her bed. Nathan is furiously wiping his face, still shaking with a mixture of anger and pain, but he pushes past him and wraps Brooke in his arms. She melts into his embrace and all he can think about is that her body is warm. Alive.
He doesn't want to think about what could have happened if he hadn't taken that run this morning. And he understands Nathan's anger. He really does. But Nathan hadn't seen her on the floor, he hadn't held her when she felt all cold, and right now he's just so incredibly thankful that Brooke is still here with him.
He guesses that the biggest reason for the way Nate is acting is guilt. If it is, then he knows exactly how it feels, because the guilt is eating away at his insides. He should have known. Should have been there.
For some reason, the conversation he had with Nathan in the car a couple of weeks back when they had gotten Brooke from the bar, keeps playing over and over.
"I'm not an idiot Nate, I CAN take care of Brooke, you know! I'm telling you she's fine! She's just drunk…"
"You think?! Are you forgetting the reason that she is in this shape, huh?"
"I never meant to hurt her and what happened tonight was just a big misunderstanding… I know that if Brooke only allowed me to explain we can sort all this shit out."
"Sure, I believe that when I see it…
He can't shake the disappointment that had been in his brother's voice, and for every minute that passes he feels more and more as if Nathan had been right. Maybe he was actually hurting her worse than he had realized?
"It's gonna be alright…" he hushes into her hair. "It'll be okay, baby…"
"How the hell can you SAY that?!" Nathan booms behind him and he shuts his eyes and holds Brooke tighter.
Again, Nathan is right. How can he say that everything is going to be okay when the girl that he loves more than anything has just tried to kill herself with pre scripted sleeping pills? How could anything be alright after something like this?
"Nate, calm down…" he answers silently. "She's scared, okay? And she needs rest. We're not even allowed to be in here… If you keep yelling at her someone will come and throw us out."
Haley mumbles something quietly to Nathan from the doorway while Brooke cries against his chest, wetting his t-shirt with hot tears. And he rubs her back in calming motions. He wants to lash out too, but seeing Brooke in this state, and with the clear visual of her unconscious body on the floor still present in his mind, he can't.
After Haley's whispered words, Nathan stays silent, and the air in the room is so tense that it almost makes him nauseous. Then someone clears their throat and he looks up to see that Haley has moved over to Nathan and that a doctor is standing at her previous spot in the doorway.
"Excuse me boys, but could I have a word with Ms. Davis alone please?"
He reluctantly lets go of Brooke and places a soft kiss on her forehead. Her skin feels hot, almost feverish against his lips.
"We'll just wait outside" he whispers, and she nods without meeting his eyes.
But Nathan crosses his arms over his chest.
"Hell no. I'm not leaving."
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
The doctor looks at Brooke and Lucas on the bed, but when he says those five words with force, the doctor turns and looks at him instead.
"The brother, right?" he says politely with a questioning expression.
"Exactly. Nathan Davis. I'm staying." Then he points at Lucas and adds "And so is he. We're all staying"
Brooke seems detached, as if she doesn't really care whether they stay or go, and the doctor nods hesitantly before walking closer to the bed.
"I'm Dr. Marcus" he says in a calm voice directed to Brooke. "How are you feeling?"
She shrugs.
"Tired."
"How is the head? Still painful?"
"Yes."
The short clinical answers Brooke deliver surprises him. She won't look at neither him nor Lucas, but she meets the eyes of the doctor straight on. He wonders how the doctor can seem so calm. Shouldn't he have brought a shrink in here? Shouldn't Brooke be force-fed charcoal or something?
"When are you letting Brooke out of here?" he breaks in impatiently. "Our parents aren't home and I need to know when to pick her up."
Brooke looks at him strangely and he gives her a stern look. She better not think that he'd let this pass easily. That he'd let her go back to staying with Rachel without supervision. He'd rather tie her to his own wrist then having that happen. Last time he stood in a hospital watching Brooke like this, he had made the wrong decision. Back then he had turned his back on her, leaving her to fend for herself. And judging by what had almost happened today, she clearly wasn't capable of doing that.
"Well, Ms. Davis can leave as soon as the other test-results come back if she wants, but we'd rather have her with us here at least until tonight. Just to make sure that she's not straining herself with her concussion. But you were right…" the doctor says and now he turns towards Brooke. "Your tox-screens came back negative… I'm sorry to say that we gave you a gastric lavage without reason."
Brooke's eyes are cold now and she doesn't look at the doctor, she looks at him.
"I told you I didn't take those pills."
He frowns.
"What? But…"
His voice trails off and he looks at the doctor, feeling more and more confused by the minute.
"Ms. Davis had no traces of drugs in her stomach. What kind of worries me is that she had no traces of anything in her stomach. No food and hardly no liquids either. It's clear to say that your sister came in here malnourished and dehydrated, and from what she tried telling us, probably extremely fatigued as well. I'd like your parents to come down here and pick her up since it is clear that she hasn't been taking care of herself, and since she's a minor…"
Brooke finally snaps and she looks angry when saying "I don't need a babysitter! I am fine! I told you I wasn't suicidal. I just forgot to eat…"
And although he still hasn't gotten his mind around what the hell is going on, he looks at her and with one look he tells her that if she doesn't shut up, he'll go ballistic.
"What are you saying?" he asks the doctor and struggles to unclench his teeth. "Brooke didn't over-dose? Then why was she unconscious? Lucas found her on the floor…"
Lucas nods, looking between Brooke the doctor and himself, and the doctor shrugs.
"We can't be sure. Maybe out of exhaustion and lack of proper nutrition. We're giving her nutrition through IV now, but she needs rest for a couple of days. Maybe she's been stressed lately and her body is just in a weakened state. But you should also think about having her see someone. A psychiatrist or counselor. I'll give a recommendation to your parents."
Parents. How the hell was he going to produce a loving set of parents to pick Brooke up? Victoria and Charles hadn't been in town for almost a year. Frankly, he's not sure they'd care enough to pick her up even if they were still living down the street.
Brooke still eyes him angrily and he sighs, feeling helpless.
"Our parents live in California…" he mumbles and looks at Lucas for support. "I'll call them of course but it could take days for them to get here. Could you release Brooke to me? I'd make sure she stays resting…"
"Well, are you over eighteen? Are you two living in the same household?"
"Uhm…"
Damn it. How the fuck was he going to solve this? Judging by the anger in Brooke's eyes, she'd out him the second he lied and said they lived together. But then Lucas says;
"Brooke's been staying with a friend of hers but that girl has no parental supervision either. She can live with me and my mother. My mom is her guardian when her parents are away. She's stayed with us before."
Nathan waits for Brooke's protests, especially when the doctor asks Lucas if he's the boyfriend that found her and his brother nods, but surprisingly Brooke just stares out the window and he notices that tears are once again falling down her cheeks. Apparently they're all playing charades.
The pretend brother, the pretend boyfriend and now the indifferent cheerleader.
But when the doctor agrees to releasing Brooke in Karen's custody she sighs so deeply that his heart breaks in two.
"B…" he says silently and sits down on her bedside. "Look at me…"
The doctor asks Lucas and Haley to go with him to fill out some forms, and once they're left alone in the room she actually does turn towards him.
"I told you I didn't take them…" she repeats, but this time her voice is hardly even audible. "You just didn't believe me… Lucas still doesn't believe me, I can see it in his eyes…"
"Do you even understand how much you scared me?" he asks, avoiding her statement. "I thought you were going to die Brooke. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just feel so helpless… I just want you to talk to me. Do you understand?"
He rubs her naked arm but stays clear of the IV-needle on her hand. The paleness of her skin still worries him, and so does the emptiness in her eyes. She might not have swallowed the drugs, but there are still other things that make him ache with worry.
And then she finally looks him in the eyes and says something that makes him freeze.
"You know what Nate? I wish I had taken those pills… I thought about it, and it had just been easier… I think it would have been better…"
His insides tighten up and all he can do is look at her. He wonders if she thinks about her parents, and if she too realizes that calling them would be totally useless. Last time she had ended up in the hospital, he had pretty much ended up wanting to beat the crap out of her dad.
"Brooke. If you want attention, then there are better ways to achieve that. Good grades for example, and good behavior."
Charles watched Brooke with a disapproving face and Victoria talked distractedly in her cell phone. He and Peyton stood in the corner by Brooke's bed and just watched the entire scenario in disbelief. Barely fifteen years old, he felt like the entire ordeal was weird dream.
"But Mr. Davis…" he tried, although before he could even finish the sentence, Charles cut him off.
"No Nathan, don't defend her. Brooke knows that she acted like a stupid child, don't you Brooke?"
The nod was almost unnoticeable, but it was still there. "Yes dad."
"Now, don't make me come home from another business-trip in vane like this, you hear me? I'm fed up with your little theater acts. Your mother has spoken to Peyton's father and he'll be picking you up later. We have an important dinner to attend."
Another nod. And he watched in silence as Brooke looked back coldly at her father, before the older man turned to his wife.
"Come on Victoria. We're leaving."
He balled his fists, trying hard to not yell out that they could go fuck themselves. Peyton's hand on his shoulder, telling him that lashing out would only make things worse, was probably the only thing that held him back.
Victoria closed her cell-phone with a snap and took Mr. Davis' held out arm. Then Brooke's parents left without a word. Victoria didn't look at Brooke once.
From what he can remember, they went on holiday to Cayman Islands shortly after that, but he's not sure because by then he had already told Brooke that he was done babysitting her.
'No wonder she's is fucked up' he catches himself thinking while looking at the girl in the bed in front of him. No wonder she doesn't trust Lucas, or him or even herself. She simply doesn't know what trust is.
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can't get used to it
Brooke wants to sleep. But with everybody fussing around her, she can't.
Her stomach aches from the stupid tube they had shoved down her throat, and because of that totally unnecessary stomach-pumping she isn't allowed to have solid food.
Nathan is sitting in a corner of the room and he's stared at her in silence for over an hour. He seems so angry, and maybe she shouldn't blame him for it since her last comment about actually wanting to take those pills had been unnecessary. But it was the truth. She had thought about it, had thought that it would be an easy way out. But she could never do it.
After that comment Nathan had closed up like a clam. Stared at her for minutes with eyes all empty and then he had left the room, only to return moments later with a frightened looking Lucas. And he hadn't said a word since.
Now Lucas is sitting at the foot of her bed, and as long as she keeps her eyes closed he stays silent too, probably thinking that she's sleeping. Once in a while he rubs her leg on top of the blanket and the feeling is reassuring. She's been avoiding him for a week, hardly even met his eyes. But she can't avoid him now, because just as Nathan, he seems almost desperate to keep her within his sight.
At least Haley has left, probably to take her shift at the café. And it's not that she doesn't want Haley around, it's just that after getting yelled at by Nathan, she's not sure she can handle the way she knows that Haley will look at her. Eyes all sad, worried and full of understanding.
She sighs and curls up tighter, and instantly Lucas starts rubbing her leg again. Then she hears Nathan get up from his chair.
"Man, I'm leaving. I need to think..."
Lucas mumbles a silent "I'll stay with her…" and she can't help but wonder why. She's been nothing but cold towards him the last month, avoided him totally during the past week. Why did he even care?
A lot lately, she's been thinking about that message he left on her answering machine right after she had run out on him in the girls bathroom. She had played it so many times that she knew it by heart.
"I love you pretty girl. I know you don't believe me, and I know that there are things you're not telling me… but I love you. I don't think I'll ever stop…"
However she twists and turns it, she doesn't understand. Why had he said that, when just minutes earlier he had said… No. God, no. She doesn't want to think of that now. Because that sentence had been the final blow.
What had it meant? More importantly; what did he want? And how did his 'I love you' piece together with what he had said when he was still inside her?
Her head hurts. And her heart. It hurts so much just to think about the disappointment in Nathan's and Haley's eyes. Both Nathan and Lucas had actually thought that she had tried killing herself. On top of this she still needs to think about what Whitey had told her the other day. And the fact that soon she wouldn't even have a place to live.
Lucas hand rubs comforting circles on her calf and she reluctantly closes her eyes. It feels as if she hasn't slept for days, and maybe she hasn't.
As always, he reads her mind.
"Just go to sleep Brooke. I'm here…"
And within seconds, she does.
I can't get used to it
I'll never get used to it
I'm under that night
I'm under those same stars
We're in a red car
"It's time to go pretty girl" he says softly and brushes some hair out of her face. "My mom is signing your release-forms."
She looks at him, somewhat confused at first, and then she sits up. She's already dressed in the sweats and t-shirt she had worn when she came in this morning, and he hands her his sweater.
"Put this on. It's cold."
It's so weird to have Brooke being this quiet and he wonders if she's angry. He knows that she doesn't want to stay with him. She probably doesn't even want him around, but a greater need of keeping her safe had taken over his actions before. And his mother had told him that he had done the right thing. She had practically gone as crazy as Nathan when Haley first called her.
He watches as Brooke gets up on wobbly legs and keeps her balance by holding on to the bed for a second. She takes the offered sweater and pulls it over her head, looking like a sleepy child. And then, when she's finished putting it on, she looks down towards the floor.
"I don't have any shoes…" she mumbles, and for some strange reason the comment makes his bottom lip tremble.
"I'll give you a piggyback ride to the car," he answers smiling as soon as he's sure his voice won't crack, and then he stretches out a hand for her to take. "Now come on…"
She takes his hand, intertwining her fingers with his, and follows him. Home.
They walk into the house at ten o'clock in the evening and Brooke silently walks straight into his room and closes the door. She didn't say a word during the car-ride and his mother hadn't pressured her either. But now Karen pats his shoulder and gives him a sad smile.
"Its okay for her to be angry Lucas. She needs to calm down a bit. I'll talk to her tomorrow, okay?"
He nods. The tiredness he's feeling is almost overwhelming.
"I'm gonna hang in the living-room for a bit" he mutters. "I have to call Nathan and tell him we're home… and yes mom, I will be sleeping on the couch."
"Okay. I'll just go see if Brooke needs anything."
He heads into the other room and grabs the phone. Dials Nathan's number and waits for his brother to pick up. He does almost instantly.
"We're home now."
Nathan lets out a sigh of relief on the other end.
"She alright?"
"I don't really know… she doesn't talk that much and she went straight into my bedroom and closed the door."
"And you let her?"
His brother suddenly sounds annoyed. "Damn it Luke, you have to keep an eye on her… Make sure she lies down and doesn't…"
"And doesn't what? Take any pills? You heard the doctor, Nathan. She didn't take them. She's just really exhausted."
It's wishful thinking and he knows it. But he wants it to be over. He wants to be able to think that if Brooke just had a good nights sleep, she'd be alright. Back to her normal spunky happy self.
"Tell that to someone who believes it…" Nathan mutters back. "Just make sure she doesn't lock the door."
"Why?"
He's worried too, but Nathan is irrational. And his brother sighs even louder.
"Don't make me regret letting her stay with you Luke…"
"Letting her? What? You're her father now too? First you pretend to be her brother, and now you're replacing her entire family?"
His voice comes out angry but he just can't help himself. This day seems to be without end and all the fear and anger is finally catching up with him. "I can't guard her! If that's what you want then you should come get her, because I can't do that…"
Nathan takes a deep breath, and he can picture his dark haired brother trying to calm himself in order to not let the old temper-issues take over.
"That's not what I'm saying. Look Lucas… I'm sorry for being a jackass but I'm going crazy here. I don't know what to do… This scares me, okay? Brooke acting like this scares me… I don't want her to be alone. I want her to know that she has someone to hold her if she feels like crying. Just… I don't know… I just don't want her to be like this…"
He listens to Nathan ramble and he realizes that he and his brother pretty much are having the same thoughts. He hates that Brooke refuses to let him in, hates that he isn't allowed to comfort her and hold her. But to hear Nathan say this still has him very confused.
A week ago Nathan hardly wanted him in the same room as Brooke and now he was telling him to…
"Wait… what?" he asks and squints. "You're saying that you want me to go in there and hold her? Maybe even against her will?"
There's somewhat of an awkward silence as Nathan ponders his own words.
"Yeah… I guess that's exactly what I'm saying. Because whatever she's displayed the last couple of days, I think it's exactly what she wants…"
"But…"
"Seriously Lucas. This is not the time to let her be stubborn. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with her… but we can't afford her having another breakdown alone. Think about the party, and about her behavior at the bar… and now this… I know she didn't take the pills… but she said she wanted to take them. I mean what the hell was she doing with a whole bunch of sleeping pills in the first place, huh? Like Haley said, maybe we're lucky she fainted. Maybe she just didn't have the time to get them into her mouth?"
He can feel himself closing his eyes tightly. He doesn't want to hear this, yet he knows that Nathan is right.
"What if I make it worse?" he whispers. "What if it was all this shit with me that got her to this point in the first place?"
Nathan sighs, but then his voice softens slightly. "It was you among lots of things I guess… I mean, I'm still confused about what you said to her the other day, but there must be more crap that we don't know about. She needs you to fix her, Luke. At least make her open up…"
"I'm trying…" he lets out even more silently. "And about what I said to her… It was a misunderstanding… I was just…"
This time Nathan cuts him off.
"Don't tell me, bro. Tell her. And please man, don't screw up. Just fucking fix this."
He hangs up without answering. He really wants to fix it. But what if he can't?
You asleep at my side
Going in and out of the headlights
Could I have saved you?
Would that have betrayed you?
She sighs inwardly and opens her eyes in the semi-darkness. Lucas' blue orbs meet her instantly and he smiles weakly, making her heart ache.
And after the latest twenty-four hours of craziness she wants nothing but to cry. But she'll scare him. Make him think that she's having another meltdown, and she's not. She's just so tired.
"What are you doing in here?" she says instead, and her voice comes out all raw and raspy. Raspier than usual, she thinks. Probably because of the brutal treatment of shoving a tube down her throat. Totally in vane.
He sits down on the bed next to her and he seems almost nervous.
"I just wanted to check on you…" he says silently. "Make sure you're okay."
She stares up at the ceiling. Is she okay? Really? What answers can she give to his question without lying?
"I will be…" she says finally, thinking that hopefully it's the truth. Eventually she would be, right? Although how she's really not sure.
Lucas tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and she shivers slightly. She's so tired and she just wants to… she needs… if he just…
He looks at her with so much worry on his face and she feels bad for having him feel like that. When he keeps playing with her hair, without any trace of wanting to leave the room, she silently breaths out;
"Can you stay with me for a while? Just lay here?"
He looks hesitant for a second but then he nods and lifts the blankets before crawling into bed with her. He snakes a strong arm around her waist and pulls her towards him until the space between them is next to none. And she finally relaxes a little with his body so close and the well-known scent of his soap and cologne. His breathing is calm and after a few minutes her own breathing starts to follow the pattern of his.
After their little 'collision course' in the bathroom the other week she hasn't let him touch her once but now she intertwines her fingers with his and pulls his arm tighter around her waist, bringing his hand with hers up towards her face. She can't afford to let her pride win right now, because even if this is all she'll ever get from him; stolen moments of comfort when he offers them, then she has to make do with that. Because right now, being close to him is the only thing that eases the feeling of sinking.
"Do you think you can sleep in here with me?" she whispers. "I don't want to be alone right now…"
She can feel him nod again and his breath is warm against the back of her neck. But it's not like earlier in the hospital. This time he's holding her close and making her feel safe, but sleep still won't come. Too much is on her mind. Tangled thoughts that keep twisting and turning. She wishes that she could block it out, but she can't, and maybe he knows that.
"What happened, Brooke?" he whispers softly. "Can you tell me?"
Sighing, she places a gentle kiss on his knuckles. Honestly she's not sure. Could she tell him?
"I don't really know" she whispers back. "It was stupid, really… I was just so tired. I had been up all night, and Rachel wasn't home… and the fridge was kind of empty…and…"
She can't see his face but she knows that he's frowning, inwardly rolling his eyes.
"Why didn't you call for pizza? You know the number to all the home-delivery places by heart?"
"I don't know…"
Shrugging in his arms, she feels like a child. She doesn't know anything nowadays. But he doesn't lecture her like Nathan would have or sigh the way Haley usually does. Instead he holds her tighter.
"How long has it been since you slept a whole night?" he asks silently and this time she answers him on autopilot.
"About a month."
Maybe two? The last time she remembers sleeping until morning was after the party when Nathan sat next to her in the chair.
"Were you scared? Was that why you didn't sleep?"
His voice is so soft and the first tear slides down her cheek teasingly slowly, before coming to a stop on the skin of his hand. The second one follows faster, and the third one gets caught on her lip, making her taste its disappointed saltiness.
She nods and he kisses her temple. Hushes her without words.
And before she knows it, she's shaking with the sobs that she hadn't let out last night after reading the email that hadn't come from her parents.
But that's not all she's crying for. She also cries because Lucas knows her so well, sees right through her so easily, and still doesn't understand her.
He doesn't understand that he is all she needs. All she ever fucking wanted, except for a loving home.
"I'm so sorry for all the shit I've put you through…" he mumbles against her hair, and she kisses his knuckles again, now wet with her tears.
"I've forgiven you for that a long time ago, Luke."
That's not the problem.
I wanna burn this film
You alone with those pills
What you couldn't do I will
I forgive you
So that's not the problem then.
Lucas molds his body after hers even more and tries to search every crevice of his brain for an explanation. For an answer to why Brooke is suddenly so lost and so scared.
"But you don't trust me?" he whispers into the darkness. A darkness that he suddenly realizes is comforting to him, but that to her symbolizes loneliness and fear. "You don't trust that I love you?"
This time she doesn't answer, and he's not the least bit surprised. After their misunderstanding after having had sex in the school bathroom, he has known that she doesn't. Back then he had honestly almost gotten angry over the fact that she was so quick to draw weird conclusions, but the more he had thought about it, the clearer it got.
Brooke Davis has relationship-issues. Bad ones. And who was he to blame her? The only relationship that she had really observed up close was the one of her parents, and that relationship had surely been a one-way street straight to hell. And the two relationships that she herself had been involved in had both ended with her being cheated on. Not all that great statistics.
"Brooke…" he pushes, and gently forces her to turn towards him. "Talk to me. Why did you run the other day? Was it because I said I couldn't promise you anything?"
She unwillingly turns, but she refuses to meet his eyes.
"I know how it came out baby… but you know me Brooke. You know that I tend to say things the wrong way…and I…"
He stops and takes a breath. Searches for her eyes and thinks long and hard on how to pick his words. This is not the time to fuck up. Not now when she is so fragile and he needs her to trust him so badly.
She bites her lower lip and he reaches out and rubs his thumb over it to make her stop. In his head, he lists his recent fuck-ups to eliminate the bad ways to explain.
1. The way he handled the library-kiss. 2. The way he continuously defended hanging out with her best friend. 3. His inability to let her in and the way he had ignored her when he went away with his mother. 4. The badly handled fight at the wedding reception. 5. His silence when she broke up with him. 6. The total lack of fighting for her, then fighting with her instead, over whom she dated or what she did…
He's sure there are many more things in between. Stupid stuff he's said that she has misunderstood, or just times where he should have told her how much he loved her but didn't.
And he regrets all of it so much, because now when he needs her to believe in what he says, it feels like he has done nothing but cried wolf with his never ending 'sorry's.
Most of all he regrets opening his stupid mouth eight days ago in that bathroom, when he was still deep inside her and he was still trying to find his breath.
"Maybe we shouldn't have done this" she panted and leaned her head back against the cold wall. "Was this stupid, Luke? This was a bad decision, right?"
He ignored her words and captured her bottom lip in between his, sucking on it slightly before resting his forehead against hers. As long as she didn't say that she hated him again, he felt like they were heading in the right direction.
"That's where you're wrong Brooke" he breathed out. "This is a good decision. We're good. And I can't promise you that we'll be forever, but we can still have this, right?"
She froze visibly and retracted a bit, but he was still too dazed from the recent orgasm to understand that she reacted to what he had said. He repeated himself; "Right pretty girl?" and leaned in for another kiss, but this time she pushed him back.
"We can still have this?" she asked and looked at him strangely. "This?"
He looked at her as she first looked at him and then scanned their surroundings. "This?"
He nodded stupidly, just catching on that she looked sad again. "Yeah" he said and pointed between them. "This. I love you. But who can promise forever, Brooke? Can you?"
With a strange ice in her eyes she pushed him back further and jumped down from her place on the sink. In seconds she had gathered her stuff and she was already on her way out the door when he grabbed her wrist.
"What happened? Why are you leaving? Was it something I said?"
He desperately searched her eyes for answers but all over again, she just looked so sad.
"I need to get to class…" she mumbled and averted her eyes, which in turn resulted in him grabbing her chin and making her look at him.
"Hey… I love you, Brooke. I want to be with you."
She just shook her head so that he lost his grip and sighed deeply. Then she ran.
He remembers standing there like an idiot. And then he chased her out in the corridor. But it wasn't until later, long after she had disappeared, that he realized that she must have thought that all he wanted from her was an easy fuck in secret now and again. That when he said 'This', she had thought that he only meant the two of them naked in a public restroom, and it couldn't be further from the truth.
He sighs and cups Brooke's face in his palms.
"Baby…" he whispers and dries off a couple of fresh tears from her cheek with the pad of his thumb. "I know how it came out, but you have to understand that after all the times lately when you pushed me away, I was really scared. But I can give you anything you want, okay?"
She stares at him, doe-eyed like a frightened child, and he again gets struck with the memory of her lifeless body on the kitchen floor of Rachel's cold mansion.
"If you need time" he continues, spurred on by the fear of how it all could have ended. "Then I'll give you time. If you need me to hold you, then I'll hold you every day… Just please don't push me away Brooke. Please let me help you…"
His voice cracks and he struggles to take a calming breath. And watching her close her eyes for a second, he knows that this is the maker or breaker. The last call.
Then she opens them again, and she looks like she's almost in pain when she whispers:
"Okay."
I'll forgive you
For blue, blue skies
I'll forgive you
-l-
Author's note: Just like in the author's note in the beginning, I should really just shut up LOL. Last time, if I'm not mistaken, I said that you guys would get a quicker update, and I obviously did not keep that promise. So this time I say nothing. Nothing other than that I would never abandon a story. And for those of you who patiently wait for my updates, I love you immensely.
Thank you's: Sometimes I wanna kiss you all. LOL. There are some of you who never complains about my lack of updating this story, some who've reviewed almost every chapter, and some that just spoil me with such amazing and long reviews that I blush.
If I had the possibility, I would write long personal thank you's to each and every one of you, but I'm at work and there's just not time for that. So I'm just gonna list you all and hope that you feel the telepathical love ;) /Lynn
Daniel
Michaela
Cami
Stefy
Ellie
Cheyenne
Hilary
Bri
Vicky
Kat
Elena
Whitney
Ebony
Trish
Denise
AV
Rena
Allie
Brucas333
Bella
Sara (Brucas2006)
Jade (SmileLikeYouMeanIt)
MaGgIe2328
Potato92
Shedyourmask
KCPreTTyGurL
BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE
Brucasbrathanbaleybrachel
flipflopgal
missdenmark
princetongirl
Nina
Stagediva23
Kristine
PeterClaire
Lexi02
Era
Taylor
JTE
Brucass
Davis-Scott
Carabell
Silverfoxx01
Meaa
JH