Warning: This is fairly abusive, but it's not even reaching the extent of it. And. There is implied so I don't want to taint your mind if you don't want to be tainted.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru or Kaoru or any of the Host Club.

For you

Chapter 2: Pretend

I woke up in the morning feeling sore all over, when had I fallen asleep? I feel the beating from yesterday in full now and my heart is still beating fast. From fear? No I wouldn't fear you; you're the one that protects me from the fear. I look at the empty half of the bed next to me. And in my heart I know I'm crying. Even when I try to make excuses, "He must have something to do." "Maybe he thought I left already." "Maybe today is just one of those days."

Maybe. But not every day can be one of those days. And the same excuses don't exactly work over and over again. I'm tired of making up excuses, when will I be able to stop?

Till death do we part.

Is that it? Till death?

I look at my leg, the part of my body that hurts the most and I find the sheets slightly wet and caked with blood. I look at it and see the words that hurt the most.

I hate you.

And you didn't even say it to me; you carved it into me. And it isn't just my leg. It's my heart Hikaru, I wonder if you even know what that is anymore. It's my heart, the heart that also loves you despite what you do to me. A heart that will forgive you forever. A heart that is willing to hurt myself to protect you.

A heart that thinks that you have done nothing wrong. The heart that wins over the mind. A heart that washes the pain away. A heart that is yours.

I get up and I bite my lip to keep from screaming and soon I taste the rusty taste of blood. I walk over to the drawer where you keep your knife. I know it well, on the bad days you take it out to cut, to carve, to mark… me. And lately that seems like everyday. I take a deep breath and then bite my lip again, I know I will scream if I don't. I run the knife down and down again on my leg crossing out the words you carved there. If anyone sees it there is no way out with just an excuse Hikaru.

Even if I know what you really mean. I know you love me so much that you need to push me away so I won't get hurt. Hikaru, it's okay, I can get hurt. Pushing me away is what hurts the most.

Finally when I'm done, I force myself to smile back to me in the mirror of the bathroom. I know that I'm doing this for you Hikaru, and knowing that makes everything okay.

I walk downstairs and thank the heavens that Mom is on another business trip. How to do I explain to her all the bruises and all the cuts? How do I explain to her my loving eyes and yet your cold response? How do I explain to her that I know you love me so much despite that you're doing this to me?

How do I?

How do you still love me despite the monster I am?

That night while we were sitting on our beds talking like any other day. And like any other day, we were the interchangeable. Equivalent. The same.

Suddenly you slap me and tell me you hate me. You hate me so much. You wish the 3 minutes were 3 million years. You wish that I was dead. You wish so hard that we weren't what we were. Interchangeable. Equivalent. The same.

I stare you in the eye and I know that you mean what you say. So I smile back at you because I know I will be the one smiling for both of us from now on. Because Hikaru, I know that you changed. It should have been our warning sign.

But then you threw me up against the wall. Fists slamming into me with every breath you took. Eventually my body broke Hikaru. Something broke there, it couldn't sustain it. But what was more important was that my mind broke, it no longer remembered to think that you loved me. But my heart still remained. Maybe that was the only thing that kept us together.

"Stop smiling. Cry Kaoru, that's what I want you to do. Cry and tell me that you hate me."

I couldn't. Nothing would allow it. I wouldn't allow it. Ever. Hikaru, what is there to hate when you love me so much. It's not fair to ask for your love and yet I give you my hate. No. I will give you what is only fair to give. In return for your love I will give you mine.

So instead of answering you, I stopped instead. You knew I was awake still so you pummeled me, fist after fist. What I didn't expect was when you stripped me of everything. You threw me on the bed then you threw away what was meant for you. My innocence. My virgin heart. My everything.

I know you didn't mean it. I knew you didn't know when you rammed into me each time. When you stole what was mine to give. When you stole my present to you before it had been given.

That night I didn't remember any pleasure, I remembered pain Hikaru. As you chewed me then spat me out again. For once in my life, I close to hated you. But I knew I wouldn't. I knew I shouldn't. I knew that if I broke down I knew our world. The world that I loved; would fall down with me.

The physical pain overwhelmed me. But even more than that, the mental and emotional pain was unbearable. I felt unwanted as you ignored me the day after that.

Unwanted.

Used.

And alone.

I never felt alone. I knew that you were always with me, always by my side. So where were you now?

I gasped as I was able to drag myself onto the car before telling our driver to drive me to school. I feel full; I couldn't swallow my breakfast today. I told it to stay, but it wouldn't.

I walked into our classroom and as the faces turned to see me I could hear the whispers. "Why didn't he come with Hikaru?" "Why is he alone?" I sat down in my seat, which was towards the back of the room. I knew the answers, I knew it was because of me. Hikaru stayed with me long enough despite my imperfections. I had even more imperfections now.

Before my appearance was perfect. It mirrored the image I loved so much. My fingers running across his perfect pale skin as he smiled at me and pulled me into an embrace. My eyes staring into his, both of ours reflecting the love that still existed then. The love that was the same. I'm sorry Hikaru that I can't love you enough.

Through the whole day I was staring at you. Staring as your lips moved whenever a question was asked and when you tapped your fingers on the desk with perfect rhythm to my heart.

I smile as I walk into the room and everyone looks at me, Tamaki, Kyouya, Haruhi, Hunny and Mori. "Welcome to the Host Club." The echo sounds.

When I walk in, there should be the normal awws and "Hey you're not a girl." But there isn't. Lately, when I've been using the same excuses day after day. "I fell of the stairs." "I ran into the wall." "I tripped on the concrete." I try to have variety. But after using excuses same after day I start to forget.

"What happened to your face Kaoru?"

"Oh… I ran into the wall this morning. I was kind of out of it."

…

"Kaoru. You said that yesterday."

"Yeah, it's the same bruise from yesterday."

"Yeah. I know it's still there, but there are new ones."

"Oh. Well, I fell down the stairs today."

"… Kaoru, are you sure there isn't something wrong? Is it your dad? Your mom? Yourself?"

No one would ever guess you Hikaru, everyone can see the love that is still there. I know it's there. And that is why you do this to me. There are different forms of love, and I know that this is the strongest love, despite the fact that no one else thinks so.

"Hikaru is already with some costumers." Kyouya says, his usual not caring gaze filled with concern.

I force a smile, "Thanks I'll go find him."

A couple months later. We had the same conversation.

"What happened to your face Kaoru?"

"Oh… I ran into the wall this morning. I was kind of out of it."

…

"Kaoru. You said that yesterday."

"Yeah, it's the same bruise from yesterday."

"Yeah. I know it's still there, but there are new ones."

"Oh. Well, I fell down the stairs today."

"… Kaoru, is it Hikaru?"

"…No it isn't."

"… If you want to talk about it, you can tell us."

"Okay. But as I said, it's nothing."

"…Okay."

I wince as I put pressure on the cut leg just a little bit too much. Haruhi walks over, "Kaoru are you okay?" With out my consent she pulls up my pants leg and sees the large gash. She stares at me, but I know she doesn't trust me for an explanation. I feel the need to explain anyway.

"I tripped today."

"Okay."

I roll the pants leg back down before anyone else can catch a glimpse of it. I force myself to smile again when I walk into the room with our customers. I immediately sit on the couch next to Hikaru. He smiles at me, but he has eyes full of nothing. He and the customers are talking and I'm just nodding. I guess I'm nodding at all the right places, because no one asks me anything.

That keeps going on until the silence fills and I know that I am supposed to say something. So I blush and do what I do best, act. "H-Hikaru… You promised not to tell."

I must have said something right because the girls all squeal and Hikaru leans closer to me. He stares at me again with those eyes full of nothing. He kisses me and I return it. It makes the girls squeal all over again, but both him and I know that it was a kiss full of nothing.

Is that what our world is now? Full of nothing?

Perhaps. But maybe just maybe we can fill it again.

That is why, Hikaru… for you

I will pretend.

Now I'm all depressed because I abused Kaoru again for another chapter. That makes me sad...

Oh. I MUST SHAMELESSLY ADVERTISE. Please join S H I N E! The link is on my profile. It'll make Shiku very happy if you do.

-Shiku