I don't own Adam Pascal's song I'm With You. I did alter one part of it just a little. I hope you readers don't mind. Here is chapter 7.
Chapter 7
A few days after Melanie and Roger had given Brianna up for adoption, Roger was sitting in the room they had converted into a nursery for Brianna. It was small, but cute. The wallpaper was white with pink hearts, and the carpet was tan-colored. There was a mobile of stars and the planets hanging from above the crib that spun every time Roger flicked his wrist against it.
Tears were shining on Roger's face from when he had been crying. His knees were pulled up to his chest, as he tried everything he could to prevent his emotions from ensuing.
Melanie came and stood in the doorframe and looked at him. "Roger?" she asked quietly.
Roger wouldn't look at her. He wasn't moving, and if Melanie couldn't see he was breathing, she would have thought he was a statue. She went toward him and slowly put her arms around him, on guard for any kind of sudden, explosive reaction he might have.
But none came.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and tears leaked out of her eyes, staining his white muscle shirt.
Suddenly, Roger broke down and cried bitterly.
"Shhh, easy, Roger, easy… It's OK," Melanie whispered, kissing his cheek and wiping his tears away, not bothering to tend to her own.
Roger shook his head. "No," he said, barely able to speak past the lump in his throat, "no, Mel, it's not OK. My baby… my baby girl… she's gone. I'm never gonna see her again."
"I'm sorry, Roger," Melanie said. "I miss her, too."
Roger sobbed and broke out of her grasp. He stood up quickly and left the room, sobbing. Melanie sat still for a moment her mind blank, before she got up to go after him.
"Roger," she called, looking around for him. She looked through every room upstairs, but didn't find him.
"Mrs. Davis, have you seen Roger?" she asked, going downstairs and into the kitchen.
"He said he was going for a walk, dear, and that he'd be back later," Mrs. Davis answered. "Is something wrong, dear? He looked really upset, but he wouldn't talk to me."
"He won't talk to me, either," Melanie said under her breath. "Mrs. Davis, I'm going to go find him, OK? If my mom calls, please tell her?"
"OK, I will, dear," Mrs. Davis said. "Call me if you have any problems."
"I will," Melanie said, and she grabbed her jacket and left.
One hour later…
Roger knocked on the door to Collins' flat. Collins looked surprised at seeing Roger when he answered.
"Hey, man, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?" he asked.
"Collins, I need a place to crash. Please, can I just crash here for a while?" Roger asked.
"Sure, man, come in," Collins said. Roger walked in, not looking at Collins, and he immediately flopped down on the old couch Collins owned. It was lumpy and uncomfortable, but Roger didn't care. Anything to take away the pain of losing Brianna was welcomed by him now.
"What's going on, man?" Collins asked. "Why are you so upset?"
"Why am I so upset?" Roger echoed, looking at him and clutching the pillow to his chest. "Brianna's gone, Collins. We gave her up for adoption the day after she was born to an infertile couple who wanted a baby so badly. We knew we couldn't care for her, so we had to let her go. No matter how many people here in Scarsdale pitched in, it still wouldn't have worked out. But I feel like part of me is missing. It hurts so bad that she's gone, and I'm never gonna see her again."
"I'm so sorry, man," Collins said. "I can't comprehend what it's like to lose a child, whether to adoption or whatever. Is there anything I can do to help?"
"All I want is Brianna back, but that's not gonna happen," Roger said. He stood up and looked at Collins. "I'm gonna go lie down for a while, if it's OK with you?"
"Sure, man. That bedroom right in front of you is free," Collins said. "I'm gonna go for a walk, though, OK? I'll leave you a note, in case you wake up and I'm still not here."
"OK. Thanks, man, I appreciate this," Roger said, and he went into the bedroom, closed the door, sank onto the bed, and quickly fell asleep. When he did, he dreamed of Brianna, of his little baby girl. He even saw images of what he imagined she'd be like once she grew up. He was never going to forget her.
"Mark, have you seen Roger?" Melanie asked, as Mark answered the door at his house.
"No, Mel, I'm sorry, I haven't," Mark said. "Why, what's wrong?"
"I found him crying and alone in the room we'd converted into a nursery for Brianna," Melanie said. "I tried to comfort him, but he ran off, really upset, and I can't find him now."
Mark looked down at her, concerned. "I haven't seen him, Mel, I'm sorry," Mark said. "Do you want me to help you look for him?"
"Would you, please?" Melanie asked. "You know him best… better than me, even. It'd be a big help."
"OK, just let me get my jacket and we can go," Mark said. Melanie nodded. Mark got his jacket and they left.
Collins shivered as he entered the cemetery. He'd never liked cemeteries, ever since he was little. He only remembered vague images of his parents' funeral. That, he reasoned, was probably why he didn't like cemeteries. But now Brian was buried here and he had every reason to not like them more.
Collins walked up to Brian's grave and looked down at it. The headstone read:
Brian Thomas Schwartz
October 5, 1963 – March 20, 1982
Dedicated Brother, Son, Lover
Forever In Our Hearts
Collins sighed and knelt down in front of the grave. He closed his eyes and let his mind go blank. The wind blew gently around him, almost like Brian's arms had once wrapped around him. He missed Brian so much now. He had imagined that he could have spent the rest of his life with that boy, only to have him ripped prematurely and unfairly from him. Now he'd give anything just to be able to talk to him, face-to-face, again.
Collins opened his eyes and spoke. "Hey, baby, it's Collins," he said. "I know I haven't been out to see you in a while, but things have been kind of crazy lately. It seems like a lot is going wrong. Ever since you died, we found out that Mel got pregnant. Roger's the father. They had their baby about a week ago and had to give it up the next day. Brianna Maureen Davis, after you and Maureen; that was how Melanie wanted it and Roger couldn't agree more. She was really cute. Melanie doesn't know it, but Mo, Mark, and I went to see her. She was the sweetest thing you ever did see.
"It broke their hearts to have to let her go. But Mel isn't eighteen until May, so they had no choice. They tried to think of a way to be able to keep her, but nothing worked in the end. I'm so sorry, baby. Roger's a complete mess over it. He didn't want to give up Brianna for anything, but he had to. It didn't seem so hard for Mel. I know that sounds bad to say, but that's what it seemed like. I don't think she let herself get attached. Roger said she refused to even look at Bree when she was born. But I know it must be hard for her, too.
"Roger came to our apartment today. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. I haven't seen Mel yet. I hope she's OK. I know you're watching over all of us, but we're all going through a really hard time right now. But I promise I'll take care of Mel and Roger, OK? I don't know how… Roger's parents basically took care of me from when I was fifteen, when my parents died, until I was eighteen. But I'll try my best, OK?"
Collins stood up. "I'd better go," he said. "I wanna go say hi to my parents before I go back to Roger. I love you and I'll hopefully talk to you again soon."
Collins kissed his hand and pressed it to the gravestone. He traced the letters of Brian's name and then he left.
Roger was walking around the apartment, drinking coffee, when Collins got back. "Hey, man, you're up," Collins said.
"Yeah," Roger said, not looking at Collins. "I hope you don't mind that I made some coffee? I needed to wake up."
"It's fine," Collins said, "as long as you're OK."
"I'm fine," Roger said.
"Man, no, you aren't," Collins said, looking at him. "You're barely talking, you're not sleeping. You're not OK."
"OK, so I'm not OK. How can I be OK, Collins?" Roger asked him. "I lost my child. A part of me is missing, out there in this world somewhere."
"I'm sorry, man," Collins said. "I wish I knew how to help."
"Well, just don't keep reminding me of her or Melanie, OK?" Roger asked, turning away from him.
"OK, I won't. I'm sorry, man," Collins apologized. "I'm not intentionally trying to make it hard for you."
Roger sighed and sank into a chair and ran his fingers through his short blonde hair. "I know," he said. "I'm sorry, Collins."
"It's OK, man, I understand," Collins said.
Roger smiled wearily at him.
Two weeks later…
"Roger, man, you gotta get up," Collins said, coming into the room Roger slept in at his apartment.
Roger rolled over onto his back and looked at the clock. "Collins, what the hell is your damage?" he muttered. "It's 6:30 A.M."
"You gotta get to school, man. Your mom called me late last night. She says she's not letting you miss any more school," Collins said.
"Screw her," Roger said, "I'm not going back. I don't want to see Melanie."
"Man, you gotta quit running from her," Collins said, sitting on Roger's bed, looking down at him. "I'm sure she's hurting just as badly as you are, especially since you've been gone like this. I'm sure that isn't helping her any more than it is you. This is your senior year, man. It's supposed to be one of the best years of your life."
"Well, it's not, OK?" Roger said. "I'm only stressed and depressed. The doctor said so."
Collins nodded. Roger was right about that, he couldn't deny it. Collins had taken him to a doctor in New York City when he had refused to get out of bed or even move for three days straight. The doctor had diagnosed him with depression, anxiety, and insomnia, and the doctor had estimated it had all started when he and Melanie had had to give up Brianna for adoption.
"You wouldn't be so depressed if you'd talk to Mel and exercise or something, man," Collins said. "She wants to help you. You know that, so don't even try denying it."
"Is she the one who has been calling here six times a day?" Roger asked.
"Yeah, she is. She's worried about you, man," Collins said. "Just talk to her, OK? I'm driving you in."
"Fine," Roger said, and he rolled out of bed and dressed. When Collins wasn't looking, he went and got three bottles of stoli out of his alcohol cabinet and put them in his backpack.
Melanie was waiting for him at the door when he arrived. "Hey," she said, "how was your time at Collins'?"
"He's fine," Roger said, avoiding the question.
"No, Roger, I meant did you rest up and everything?" Melanie asked.
"Oh." Roger shrugged. "I guess so." He walked away from her and she followed him. "Look, Mel, I'm gonna be really busy, because I have a lot of homework from when I was gone, so I won't be around so much," he said, trying to get her off his back.
"Roger, wait," Melanie called after him. She caught up with him and swung her backpack off her shoulders to in front of him, so he couldn't walk away. "I got all your homework for you. Here."
She handed him a large manila folder and he looked at her. "Wow," he said, "um, thanks, Mel. I appreciate this."
"Of course, Roger," Melanie said, kissing his cheek. "I'm glad you're back."
Roger nodded. "I hope I'll be glad, too," he said, looking down at her.
Three months later…
"Merry Christmas, Roger," Melanie said, going up to him and kissing him.
"Merry Christmas, Mel," Roger said, looking down at her through tired eyes. He had been working extremely hard for the past several weeks to get caught up on all his work. Now he was completely done with everything and able to fully enjoy his Christmas break, which would begin in a few days.
"Did you get all caught up on homework and everything?" Melanie asked.
"Yeah, I did," Roger said. "I don't know how I could have done it without your help, but I'm caught up."
Melanie kissed him. "You worked really hard for a break," she said, putting her arms around him. "You deserve it."
Roger nodded. "Thanks, Mel," he said.
Melanie looked up at him as he became quiet. "Hey, are you OK?" she asked. "You're really quiet."
"I'm just thinking," Roger said.
"What are you thinking about?" Melanie asked.
"A lot of things," Roger said. "Brianna, Brian, me leaving… I'm sorry for so many things."
"Oh, Roger, I know," Melanie said. "Look, I know you just needed a break, OK? It happens. It's OK. I understand."
Roger nodded and she held him tightly. "I'm on anti-depressants, you know," he said.
"You are?" Melanie asked.
"Yeah, I have been for a couple weeks now," Roger said. "Collins was really worried about me when I just showed up on his doorstep and he made me go to the doctor and I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and insomnia."
"Are the pills helping?" Melanie asked.
"Not really, but my doctor said it takes time," Roger said. "And I've read stories about them making it worse, too."
"Roger, don't think like that, OK?" Melanie asked him, holding him close. "Think positively and things will work out. They are what you make of them."
"OK, Mel, I'll try," Roger said, looking at her. He kissed her forehead and she realized how much she'd missed that of late.
"Good boy," Melanie said, smiling at him. "Now let's get going, OK? I'm sure the others are waiting for us."
"OK. It'll be good to see them again especially Mark," Roger said, nodding. They walked to choir together.
"Mel, I have something I want to show you," Roger said, on the last day of school before Christmas break.
"What, Roger?" Melanie asked curiously.
"Over here," Roger said, and he pulled her aside in the hallway. He pulled out a small box. "Open it."
Melanie opened it and she pulled out a silver necklace. On it were two small pictures in circle frames of Brian and Brianna. There was also two other tags that said 'Roger' and 'Melanie'.
Melanie looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Roger, this is beautiful," she said. "Did you make this?"
"Yes," Roger said. "Well, yes and no. I bought the chain but the rest of it, I made. Do you like it?"
"It's overwhelming, but I love it," Melanie said. "It honors my brother, Brianna, and the two of us."
Roger nodded. "That was the idea," he said. He leaned down and kissed her. "I'm glad you liked it."
Melanie smiled and they went to go meet up with the others.
On Christmas Eve, after everyone else had gone to bed, Roger and Melanie were sitting curled up together in a chair by the fireplace. Roger handed Melanie an envelope.
"What's this, Roger?" she asked.
"Open it and see," he said.
Melanie opened it and pulled out a piece of paper. "Song lyrics?" she asked, looking at it.
"There's more," Roger said. "I did something productive while I was at Collins', at least."
"What do you mean, Roger?" Melanie asked.
"It's a song I wrote," Roger said. "I wrote it for Brianna."
"Oh, Roger, really?" Melanie asked.
"Yeah," Roger said. "Do you wanna hear it?"
"Yes, please," Melanie said.
"OK," Roger said, and he got his guitar. Putting it over his shoulder, he took the piece of paper from her and began to play.
Starlight and wonder
The universe seen through your eyes
The moon is a glorious halo
Hanging down over your head every night
Spinning and spinning
A flick of the wrist and a smile
And in the morning so early
Deep conversations are spoken
In tongues by sunlight
Tonight, you can dream you're a star
You can walk on the clouds
And float to the ground
And I'm with you
We stare out the window
And look to the sky every night
The stars are the beacons of heaven
And maybe, one day, you'll go up for a ride
Oh, you are the sunshine
You are the face that I dream of
You are your mother's religion
Down on her knees as she
Kisses your heartache away
Tonight, you can dream you're a star
You can walk on the clouds
And float to the ground
And I'm with you
Tonight, you can get very far
The calm and the storm
Are forever yours
And I'm with you
I've thrown coins in the fountain
I've been to the mountain
I've lived through the violence
I've seen what men can do to men
I can't promise you peace
I can't promise you money
But I promise to make you the best girl I can
Hold on to something
Cause your life's about to begin
Oh, whoa, whoa, ooh
Ah, hey, ah, ooh, oh
Ooh, ooh, oh, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, ooh, ooh, ah
Tonight, you can dream you're a star
You can walk on the clouds
And float to the ground
And I'm with you
Tonight, you can dream you're a star
You can walk on the clouds
And float to the ground
And I'm with you
When he finished, Melanie had tears in her eyes. "Wow, Roger," she said, "that was amazing. You wrote that for Bree?"
"Yeah," Roger said. "It was inspired by dreams I had of her after we gave her up. She was all I ever dreamed of."
"Roger, that's amazing," Melanie said. "Did it help you to write that?"
Roger nodded. "It did," he said. "I couldn't stop thinking about you, either, though, Mel."
"Me either, Roger," Melanie said, and she pulled him in for a kiss.
"I love you, Melanie," Roger said. "I'm so sorry I ran. I never should have left you like that."
"It's OK. I understand you needed a break," Melanie said. "You needed to sort out your thoughts and everything."
"Yeah, I did, but I left you out in the cold, Mel. That was stupid of me," Roger said.
"Yeah, it was," Melanie agreed. "But you're back now. We can start to start over."
Roger nodded. "You're right," he said. "Hey, how did you get this good at understanding me?"
"Lots of practice," Melanie said, smiling up at him. Roger laughed and kissed her again. She melted in the passion of it. She had missed Roger so much. She wasn't ever going to let him go again.
Hey, everybody. Sorry this took so long to update. But I've been really busy with new classes and working a lot, since my play is now over, and I also recently got sick with a bad sinus cold. I've been meaning to update this for several days, but just never got the chance to finish it. But I have the next four days off from work (for some odd reason), so I'm going to use some of my time to update for you. This chapter is about 12 pages long, so I hope it's satisfactory and makes up for my absence.
Just to clear something up, Melanie got pregnant Christmas of her junior year and gave birth to Brianna around September, the beginning of her senior year. Roger left her for a couple of weeks right after Brianna was born, leaving them with most of their senior year to patch things up. I don't want any of you to be confused. If you still are, Email or PM me if you have any questions. I'm trying my best to make time lapses and such as smooth and simple as possible.
As always, as payback, send me some reviews. I love feedback. Oh, and by the way, I hope you guys don't mind that I subbed in 'girl' for 'man' in I'm With You. I really wanted Roger to write it special for Brianna, and having 'man' in there (because Adam Pascal wrote it for Lennon, his older son) wouldn't have worked. I hope you don't mind. It makes it work for the story. I apologize if any of the words coagulated together as one big block of text, but I've tried over and over to get it to stay line by line and it hasn't worked. Sorry.
I guess that's all from me. Happy early April Fool's Day and happy early April. Less than 40 school days left until graduation! Yay! :)
Until next time, lots of love,
Renthead07