A/N

Another bucketful of angst for you lovelies. KAWAIIwolf-luvr, thank you for all wonderful support and reviews, this one's for you!

(Thanks also to my Rennie, who, without her constant wonderful badgering, I would never have got so far.)

Lucidity

He turned over in his sleep, eyes flickering restlessly. He hadn't done anything but sleep for five days, but Hatori said it was normal, considering the sleeping pills he'd given him. "It'll be easier for him if he's asleep," he'd said quietly. I leant down and brushed my fingers across his forehead. I realised, then, I would have given anything to keep him from this. My hand trailed down to his, and grasped it softly.

I felt that I should re-evaluate my position. I hated emotions; for the most part I just kept them inside. It wasn't that there was no-one to talk to – I'm sure that Hatori wouldn't mind 5 minutes listening to me angst – but it was more a deep sense of unwilling to admit that I had a dependency. That seeing Yuki like this had destroyed a little part of me. He'd always been so strong, so much better than me, and to see him so… dirty, and wrong, it had just broken something inside. It hurt, all the time, just constant pain, like rats gnawing on my stomach and crawling through my heart. Appropriate choice of creature, really. He'd got inside of me, somehow, all those years we spent together. I'd always thought I'd stopped arguing with him so much because of Tohru, but now… now I knew there was something else. He felt like an elusive brother, the one that's there but distant, the one you can hardly ever touch. Now being the proverbial black sheep of the family, I was the only one left who gave a fuck. And not because Iloved him, or anything so soppily stupid – and not just because there was no one else. Just because… well, just because. I'd missed him. There was nothing wrong with that. I sighed and straightened up. "Time for more water, I think," I murmured softly, walking over to the bathroom. I was halfway through pouring myself a drink when my phone went off in my pocket. I flipped it open; of course I knew who it was. "Got anything?"

"Blood test results." We'd been waiting for these. "Nothing serious – no infections or anything." I let out a sigh of relief; it was the thing I'd feared above all else.

"He's still more sensible than we give him credit for," I murmured, running my finger gently over the tip of the glass.

"I've sent them off to a lab just in case. They specialise in HIV."

I felt a lump reside in my throat. "Do you think – "

"I don't know, Kyo. It's just to be safe."

"He's better than that," I whispered. "He wouldn't be so stupid." Hatori didn't answer. "How much longer will he be out for?" I murmured.

"After eight days, I reckon the worst's over."

"Soon, then," I whispered. "I can bring him home."

Hatori sighed in a rush of air. "Kyo…"

"Have you told anyone yet?" I murmured, leaning against the counter, my eyes still on Yuki who was lying on his side.

"Only Shigure." I didn't protest; Hatori seemed to have an inevitable weakness for the Dog which meant he had to tell him everything.

"How's Akito?" I sighed. It was ritualistic.

"I wish I could tell you," he murmured softly. "I don't think people would take too kindly to Yuki if he returned; you know how everyone feels without him."

"Yeah," I whispered. The world felt empty without your God, after all. It hurt me a little, a sort of empty burning, but the others, who were closer… they stopped smiling. It was a sort of bitter irony; with him, we couldn't be free. Without him, we were lost.

"I'll think about what we should do. He's not strong enough for anything, now." He paused for a moment. "Kyo…" He sounded embarrassed. "Kyo, you didn't… sleep with him, did you?"

I felt my whole body blanch, my heart thundering in my chest. "No. Why?" I croaked.

He sounded slightly relieved. "If you had, and if he is infected…" He laughed once. "Never mind. If you didn't, that's fine."

My whole body was shaking with fear. "Yeah," I croaked. "It's fine." A stirring from next door made me jump. "Listen, can I call you back?"

"Sure," he said, but I'd already taken the phone away from my ear. I found myself flailing in the bathroom momentarily, before dropping my phone on the counter, picking up the glass of water and running, spilling half of it in the process.

His eyes were open. His eyes were open. The tiniest slit, but it was still there. He whimpered, his hand flickering up to his head. "Shh," I whispered softly, bringing the glass up to his lips. He drank greedily, before falling back with a sigh, his hands roving over my body.

"Who is it?" he murmured hoarsely. The action seemed to pain him; his face scrunched up in a wince.

I felt myself choke on a sob. "It's me," I whispered. "It's Kyo."

He frowned for a moment. "How do you know about Kyo?" he said, his eyes going wide, shuffling back defensively. "Who are you?"

I closed my eyes, feeling two tears track down my face. I took in a deep breath that rattled in my throat. "Oh, Yuki," I said softly. I took his hand, watching his eyes widen at the gesture. "It's me. It's Kyo."

"Don't be silly," he said, his voice shaking. "Kyo wouldn't come."

I sobbed this time, his words tearing it from me. I tugged him close, holding onto him desperately. "It's me, please believe me!" Nothing had mattered this much to me for a long, long time. His words were hurting me, physically burning me. I sobbed again, pulling him harder into the hug.

"Kyo?" he whispered.

"Yes," I said softly.

He laughed once and looked aside. "Don't be stupid. Kyo would kick the crap out of me if he saw what state I was in."

"Don't tempt me," I murmured, smiling through my tears. His hand came up to stroke my face, and I sighed into the touch, body shuddering.

"You're crying," he whispered. He leant closer, and his tongue came out and ran across my cheek.

I shuddered with it, clutching him tighter. "I missed you," I said softly.

His eyes widened and he smiled, just for a second. "I missed you too." He laughed shakily, and the simple sound made me sob. "Stop crying," he pleaded. "Kyo doesn't cry. I want to pretend…" His hand traced down the front of my shirt. "Just for a moment." He groaned, and I felt him slump back onto the bed. "Why do… oh god, what's wrong?" His hand ran across the fading bruises on his arms. "Didn't you give me any?" he said angrily.

"No," I said firmly.

"Stupid fucking bastard!" he yelled, shoving me away, before another wave of dizziness hit him and he fell down onto the bed with a moan. "I hate you!"

"This isn't you," I said shakily. "It's not you. It's not for you."

"You have no right to decide my life for me! Get out!" he snarled, and I closed my eyes, fighting the urge to do what he said.

"No," I said hoarsely. "You can't get rid of me." I wrapped my arms around and linked them over his chest, and he struggled against my arms.

"Stop it," he croaked. "You don't care."

I laughed shakily. "I think I do," I murmured, pulling him closer. "More than I'm supposed to, probably."

"Then you're definitely not Kyo. Selfish little prick never looked away from his own reflection to see that I fucking loved him." I felt my whole body freeze and my throat tighten. I held him closer and began to rock softly. His breath left him in a shuddering sigh as he began to fall back into unconsciousness; I scrabbled desperately at him as he fell back onto the pillows. He seemed to look up at me for a moment – just the smallest of moments, and his thumb traced my bottom lip. "Find him for me?" he murmured. "Before…" He sighed in a rush of air. "And tell him I love him." He fell back, his eyes fluttered closed and he smiled.

My legs draped over the windowsill as I pressed the phone to my ear. It rang a few times before Hatori answered in a tired voice. "Any change?"

"He woke up," I said hoarsely. "For a bit. He's sleeping now."

"What did he say?"

"He…" I felt my throat constrict. "He didn't believe me when I told him who I was." Am I really that different? I thought, but couldn't quite bring myself to say it.

"It's understandable. He's had a shit time, he doesn't need false hope. I'll come over and talk to him, but right now I'm waiting for these tests."

"I'll see you soon, then," I murmured. I was about to hang up when he answered.

"Kyo? I'm so sorry."

I stared numbly at the phone as it fell from my hand, and the only thing I could think of was I know. I left it where it was and stared out of the window, hair falling back as I stared to the stars.

A rustling from the room made me tear my eyes away; he was propped up on one arm, face angled towards me. "Water," he asked quietly. "Please?" I stood up and walked into the bathroom, pouring him a glass. He propped himself up against the headboard as he drank, his face averted away from me. He hovered awkwardly with the empty glass until I gently took it from him. He smiled at me softly, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Kyo."

My heart couldn't stop pounding as I felt a stupid grin plaster over my face. "You're the second person in as many minutes to tell me that," I murmured, and it made him smile.

"We all have so much to apologise for," he said softly, his hand fanning out against my chest. He frowned for a moment, his hand brushing my shirt. "Kyo…" he murmured. "What happened? Something…" He hesitated for a moment, his hand dropping away. "Something feels wrong. Here." He pressed his hand to his chest, his face set in a sad frown. "Something gone."

"It's Akito," I said quietly. "We all feel it."

His eyes widened. "He's not – "

I shook my head. "Only… lost."

He frowned for a moment. "And Tohru?"

I swallowed, the motion thick in my throat. "Gone."

"Oh." The silence seemed overwhelming.

"You hurt a lot of people when you left us, Yuki," I murmured, my hand caressing his chest.

"Yeah," he muttered. "I guess I did." He smiled for a moment, so sincerely I thought he would shatter me totally. "I'm so sorry. To make you have to do all this."

"Will anyone come looking for you?" I asked quietly.

"Only Yui." There is no one to come looking. No one cares.

"I've dealt with him," I muttered, and the sinister tone made him widen his eyes. "Peacefully, of course," I added slowly, and watched the smile spread across his face.

"You're definitely not Kyo," he grinned, and I cuffed him gently.

"What happened, Yuki?" I whispered. "How did it come to this?"

His sightless eyes trained on me and a chill ran down my spine. "I fell in love with you," he said simply as he smiled.

A/N

I'd forgotten how hard improvising stories used to be…