Edited chapter 3
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- - - - means lyrics
-- means P.O.V. switch
Positive / Negative
He looked at her with earnest eyes. This was something he needed her to believe, if anything else. She could leave after, be angry with him… hate him if she had to, so long as she heard his words. She wasn't looking back at him yet, but he would have her full attention.
"Nina," he spoke her name calmly when he was standing beside her.
She still didn't look up at him.
"…Yeah?"
"That person you seek while waiting here… what do you expect from them?" he asked her questioningly; curious.
"I don't know," she half laughed and half whispered, "I know it sounds… ridiculous, but after nine years I still can't let him go. I bet you don't believe me."
No, she didn't sound foolish at all. It all made perfect sense to him, because he of all people did understand this kind of pain.
"I believe you Nina," he stated with a kind of care in his voice, "There would be no one who would understand more than I."
Even he couldn't understand the tone in his voice. All he knew was that he wanted her to hear nothing but the truth.
"No one understands," she murmured to herself, eyebrows slightly furrowed.
- - -
Where do you go
When the day is long
And where does your heart beat
And who is wrong
Why do I feel this way
Why do I kneel
How could I let it go
Why do I feel
Why do I feel
Why
- - -
He looked down at the girl questioningly. She was pretending not to care, but why?
"That person you seek may understand."
"I highly doubt it 'my lord'," she stated with an edge in her voice.
"Nina, you must listen to these words," he, the lord, nearly pleaded.
After a few moments of silence, she sighed and sat up properly.
"Fine, I'm listening."
--
I had been reluctant to listen at first. I didn't want to hear things like 'he wasn't going to come back' or 'it's not worth it'. I had told myself so many things, but it didn't seem to matter. I couldn't keep from wondering. Sesshoumaru had meant everything to me and took a lot of me away with him.
"I'll listen," I stated, making myself proper.
"I am Sesshoumaru, Nina."
His voice was so even that it made my eyes widen. I wasn't sure what had struck me first; the anger or the shock. My heart was pounding in my chest and my eyes narrowed to thinner slits.
"You're lying," I growled, jumping to my feet and glaring at the lord.
'There's no way… no way that he is Sesshoumaru.'
"I would not lower myself to such standards," he stated simply, looking at me with serious eyes, "You must believe me."
"Why?!" I growled, clenching my fist, "Why should I believe you? I told you something completely personal and now you're rubbing it in my face?"
The lord's arm took hold of my wrist with one swift movement and I was stuck in place.
"We were young Nina. It's been nine years since you were seven and I was fourteen," he began with a serious tone, his eyes pleading for something, "The day we met we were in the village and you were chasing some chickens around and I left you in the rain; abandoning you."
I closed my eyes, trying not to believe him. He was right. We had met in my village… and I had been chasing chickens around. 'He's lying… he has to be. There's no way…'
"Why? Why did you leave me like that?" I asked, thrashing against his grip on my wrist.
Did he have any idea on how that felt; to have a best friend crush his heart and dreams completely?
"Why, damn it?" I growled, fangs bared as I pulled my wrist backward and to the side to get away.
It was no use, I wasn't going anywhere like this.
"Was it just because I was a girl?" I asked, demanding an answer, "Or was it because we would have been caught?"
I was mad and wasn't going to start crying over something like this. Of course I was in pain, but not to the point of tears.
"Your life would have been in danger if we had remained friends," he told me calmly, still pleading with his eyes, "It was the only way I believed to keep you safe from harm."
"Safe from what?" I asked, eyebrows slightly furrowed and red eyes blazing.
"My mother had told me that if she heard of our being together again, she would send guards to kill you… I did not wish to feel such a burden on my conscience," the lord explained rather slowly as he remembered the past, "Out of my own selfishness, I had to send you away."
'His mother… wanted to kill me?' My thrashing stopped completely. And I looked at him with confused eyes. Had he really done that… just for my sake? 'He's still a traitor… no matter how sorry he is…' I reminded myself as I looked into his golden eyes.
"How is that… selfish?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"At my age, I had few friends, and for you to be a girl… had an effect that I cannot get rid of. I yearned for you to be friends with me… for us to always have fun together… To say such words on that day wounded even me."
- - -
Follow me home
Through the, the maze and awn
I'll show you the road
That I led you the wrong way on
Why did I go that way
Why do I steel
How could I let her go
Why do I feel
- - -
My heart seemed to pound for a different reason now… Those words had entranced me slightly and I wanted to believe them; to believe him.
"My parents died after you left. My mother right after, followed by my father ten months later… I went looking for you only to hear that you had left the village," he continued, his eyes not as yearning but almost… gentle.
I couldn't hold his gaze anymore; I needed to look away. 'I can't believe this… it has to be a dream.'
"You scarred me, Sesshoumaru," I told him solemnly, red eyes falling to the grass, "It felt like you took my soul away… Did you expect me to wait there forever? I might have been seven but I wasn't stupid."
His grip loosened on my wrist as his hand traveled to mine.
"Though it seems you did wait," he stated with a slightly amused face.
The hard part was over… but I was sure that a few more were about to come.
--
When she had gotten mad, he began to wonder why… then he understood her meaning. She believed he was lying to her… that he wasn't really who she had been seeking. His heart sank slightly at the thought; he didn't need her to not understand. So he grabbed her wrist unconsciously to keep her from doing anything rash.
"We were young Nina. There was a nine year difference," he tried to explain to her.
He needed her to understand… to understand why he needed to leave her like he had.
When she asked him why he had done it… he was relieved. She did believe him and all he had to do was explain. The words came out almost all at once, immediately wanting to speak the truth. He couldn't believe that the lowly humans were right; sometimes the truth could set you free.
"You couldn't have expected me to wait forever," she murmured, looking away.
"Though it seems you did wait," he said with gratefulness.
He was glad that she had held onto that childhood dream of the ocean. She came all the way to see the ocean, and gained more than one experience. They were together again; friends through and through. He didn't want to have to make that change.
--
My blood red eyes stared out over the ocean as I thought. He was back now, so now what? What was I supposed to do now that he was back in my life again? When we were younger, a lot of things were a game and were enjoyable. But now… now we were grown and less seemed enjoyable. Only talking really seemed right… and he wasn't one for talking much.
"What have you been doing for nine years?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow, pulling my legs to my chest and resting my arms on them.
"Waiting," he stated simply, staring out over the ocean as well, "I've been here nearly every day; pausing at the sight of the waves with each passing day."
His words from before make sense now, "You're not the only one searching."
"Are they different everyday?" I questioned.
"They move at random… reminding me much of you."
"I see," I murmured, eyebrows furrowing slightly.
I didn't understand the feeling inside my chest as he spoke. His words felt like they had a meaning to them… if not to him then only to me. This feeling… was much like the familiarity from before. I wanted to reject it because it didn't feel right. Friends weren't supposed to feel that way.
"What caused your journey to be nine years?" Sesshoumaru questioned me, following on my question.
'Of course he would wonder. He got here long before I did and I left first.'
"I took a long path… with lots of sidetracks along the way," I mused slightly at the memory of my 'adventure', "One part wasn't a sidetrack. It was actually something I needed to do before I went on."
'If I hadn't of done what I have… then I probably wouldn't be standing here right now. My body would have been long since rotten.' My eyes narrowed at the thought. My past wasn't one that I much enjoyed, for obvious reasons. There were also things that I wasn't proud of… some more so than others.
"What do you speak of?" he asked me with real curiosity.
"Do you not feel or smell the difference Sesshoumaru?" I questioned, looking at him seriously.
It was my turn for needing understanding. He needed to understand this.
Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed at my question. I could tell by his expression that he was concentrating. That was at least until his eyes became furious. 'Of course he would be angry… He was always against such things.'
"Nina, what have you done?" he asked me – growling – at the realization.
"A lot of things," I stated as I got to my feet, stepping toward the cliff's edge.
If he could not accept it… then I wanted to escape the reality. The water looked more inviting than the last time I had seen it.
I could feel the up draft off the waves and was enjoying it before my wrist was grabbed again.
"I demand a better answer," he growled again.
"Ha, that's amusing," I laughed sarcastically, "Don't try to be all high and mighty with me. You weren't there to understand!"
"This is not a joking matter Nina. What have you done to yourself?"
I clenched my jaw tightly and glared at Sesshoumaru almost hatefully. He wasn't understanding.
"I sold my soul Sesshoumaru! I'm not half anymore!" I growled back, seething, "I couldn't bear being part human anymore, so I got rid of it. I found a demon that could help me and he did."
Sesshoumaru's grip tightened on my wrist at my words. He didn't seem to understand at all.
"Please, do enlighten me then," he hissed at me, golden eyes frozen over with anger.
"Why? So you can leave again?" I growled back.
Yes, I knew Sesshoumaru had a temper, but that wasn't going to stop me… not this time. 'Traitor!'
"I've told you my reasons. Now give me yours," Sesshoumaru stated lowly, pulling me closer to him.
He wasn't going to let go. 'Fine… he asked for it.'
--
He looked at her, almost threatening her well being. She had always known he was against such things as trading away parts of your self. Why had she done it then if she had always known? To do just this?
"One who trades away their human to become full demon loses control. They go rampant like a regular savage would. Is that what you desired? To kill innocents?" he asked her, gripping her arm tighter.
He wasn't about to let her go. She needed to explain and now, otherwise he wouldn't be held responsible for his actions. What she had done was crushing him on the inside. She truly wasn't everything she had been when they were together nine years ago.
"Because you killed me Sesshoumaru," she said rather defiantly – coldly – as she stared into his golden eyes, "There was nothing there anymore anyway, so I got rid of it… Do you think I enjoyed killing all those people?"
Her blood red orbs were brooding as she stared at him; obviously expecting him to understand everything.
"Did you do it just for that reason?" he asked her with slightly narrowed eyes.
That one small explanation burned unlike anything he had ever known. She meant so much – everything – and she was telling him that he was the reason she became this way. She changed… because of him. It was his fault that she was this way. Was that what she was telling him?
"Nina…"
"No!" she growled, trying to jerk free of his hold, "I'm not listening to all this crap anymore. If you don't understand how it feels to be so numb that it hurts… then stop trying to convince me I was wrong."
- - -
Oh why did I go that way
Why do I steal
How could I let her go
Why do I feel
Why do I feel
Why
Why
Why did I go that way
Why do I need
How could I let her go
Why do I feel
- - - -
He couldn't find the right words to speak at the moment. Was it possible to be in so much pain that everything went numb? He wasn't sure that it was…
"Everything important to me was gone when you left me… I was nothing," she started to explain almost solemnly.
The look in her eyes told him that she was serious. That this was not lie.
"At first it was good just to see you, but then that faded and I needed to get away from the numbness. I thought of everything, but I needed to feel something different… so I sought him out and he freed me from myself."
The tone in her voice almost made it so he didn't want to listen. The amount of guilt and pain it all created bothered even him.
--
'I killed… so many people. Their blood stains these claws even now…' My eyes narrowed at the thought. Had I been wrong by doing this? Was I wrong to want to remain one of the living? 'I hope not.'
"I'm still alive and that's all I care about," I murmured, turning my intense gaze back to Sesshoumaru, "I regret killing all those people… but I don't regret staying alive till now. I've still been in pain, but at least I know I'm guilty!"
Sesshoumaru's claw was still tight on my wrist, keeping me where I was. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew my intentions and that I wasn't getting away. 'Does he understand? I don't want to have to remember everything at once…'
"Look, do you understand or not? Were those good enough reasons?" I asked coldly, taking a step back with my right foot.
"Is that all your reasons?" he asked me, eyes curious.
Nodding rather cautiously, I didn't break eye contact.
"Then I suppose… you are partially forgiven."
'Is that it? Is that all he has to say?' His grip loosened until it let go completely.
"If you know your faults, then what's there to punish?" he asked rather quietly, still holding slightly to his sternness, "If it was all to survive then it was all for the best."
It was surprising on how calm he was now. Or was it something else? Was it pain that made him so calm? Or was it truly realization?
"I needed to survive… if only to see you again," I whispered, losing my edge from before.
'It started after and before it happened… I didn't want to die because of you, but that didn't mean I didn't want to see you again…' I smiled slightly at the thought, though it was inwardly.
"I needed to see you again," I murmured, turning to face the forest, "My soul may no longer be human… but I still feel like I used to. Just not as much…"
Sesshoumaru cocked a brow toward me, watching me with his golden orbs. They seemed almost… cautious? I couldn't really tell because I was no longer looking at him. My red orbs were on the ground.
"Why do you not look at me while you're speaking?" he asked, taking a step toward me; closing the space I had made.
I felt his hand on my chin, trying to lift my head to look at him. When he did, our eyes locked and I was surprised by the intensity of his gaze on me. He was serious – very serious – which caused my eyes to look away again.
"I guess that maybe…" I paused, trying to think.
'I'm scared… that you'll get mad. That you'll leave me alone again… That maybe… I've done all this for nothing.' My brows furrowed at the thought. What was the point of finding him again if he was just going to leave? Would that have been worth those nine years? ...Or would it have been completely worthless? I had assumed that it was the latter.
Sesshoumaru's hand jerked slightly, getting my attention.
"I wish for you to look at me Nina. I cannot understand if you do not explain properly," he told me quietly.
"…I'm scared that you'll get mad with what you'll see," I told him, red eyes locking with golden ones.
After a few moments, Sesshoumaru seemed to be contemplating something and had decided.
"The only thing I shall never forgive you for…" he started, pulling me slightly closer, "Is what you have done to yourself… and I shall never forgive myself neither."
I cocked an eyebrow as he pulled me closer and he wrapped an arm around my back as his lips were at my ear.
"This is what I've done to you and I shall not forget. In the future, I hope to see you more often than I have."
My eyes widened at his words. Did that mean he was going to leave? Was he about to leave and not return for a long time?
"I will do whatever I can for forgiveness," he whispered to me; his arm tightening around me slightly.
After a few moments of confusion, I was released and he was turned away slightly.
"What's that supposed to mean? 'You hope to see me more often than you have'? …What the hell are you talking about?" I asked him with furrowed brows.
His words made no sense… at least not to me.
"I must travel somewhere… and I must go alone. I will come back for you in the morning," Sesshoumaru started to explain. "I would prefer that you stay here for the night than your life once again being at risk."
"Okay, so you are trusting me to stay by the ocean cliff that I had just jumped from previously?" I asked with a slight smirk on my face.
"I am trusting that finding me again was what you truly desired… and that you have no desire to jump again."
As I thought about something to say, he was already walking toward the forest and into the night.
"I'll return in the morning," he explained, not looking back, "You better be here when I return."
"H-hey!" I called after him, "I wasn't committing suicide you know! I just needed to stop thinking!"
There was no answer as the silver haired figure disappeared through the trees.
I sat on the cliff side with a fire going behind me. Even in the dark, I was watching the ocean waves. The night had caused the tide to rise higher than it was before, which fascinated me. 'Who would have thought that one thing could have so many different personalities…' I smiled slightly at the thought. 'The ocean is affected by the weather… It could be sunny and the ocean happy. Raining and storms make it angry…'
"Quite the sight isn't it?" a voice said from behind me.
My back stiffened at the voice.
I knew who it was… but didn't know why he would come.
"This is what you wanted to live to witness?" he asked with amusement.
"There's more to it than that Jensuke," I said rather lowly, trying to not get up and run.
He was not a normal demon. He had tremendous power and to take away a human soul for a demon one was proof of that. Such a thing shouldn't have been possible.
"I must say I am surprised at you Nina," Jensuke's voice laughed as he came closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder, "All of this for that demon lord? Was it worth it? Do you think that killing all of those humans was truly worth it to just see him again?"
His voice was taunting and it scared me. This was the only demon I was actually afraid of.
"What does it matter to you?" I asked coldly, not looking back, "You got your soul, and I got what I wanted."
"I wish to finish off the deal," Jensuke replied, leaning down to me, "You do remember don't you?"
"No actually, I don't."
- - - -
Oh why did I go that way
How could I steal
Oh how could I
How could I
How could I
How could I
How could I
- - - -
Jensuke placed his other hand on my shoulder and gripped them both rather tightly.
"You should, because it was a rather important part of the bargain," he told me, his voice sending chills down my spine.
I knew what he was speaking of… but it was better to play stupid in a case like this.
"Your feelings are stronger in your human soul, which means I can feel everything that you're feeling at any time… I know when you're sad and numb. Or when you're scared, like right now," he continued into my ear, "I know your heart yearns for him… and you know what that means, don't you?"
'That you're going to make me do something I'll regret…' My eyes fell at the thought.
Something I would regret would have to be worse than what I had already committed.
"You know what I want you to do," he told me again, gripping my shoulders tighter, "Either bring me his demon soul, or become my slave for the rest of eternity."
"You know I won't bring you his demon soul," I stated coldly, "If becoming a slave is the only way… then give me four days to spare."
I heard Jensuke chuckle darkly into my ear.
"Nina my dear, you've signed the deal."
End of Chapter 3
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halfdemon-kai