Disclaimer: Really, if I did own anything, would I then be doing this? … I'm not JKR.

6 – In the Arms of the Man

For a short second, Lily cursed Sirius and Eleanor with all the curses and swearwords she could come up with, but she forgot all about it as she looked up at James and met his soft gaze, that for a short moment also had looked at Sirius and Eleanor.

Lily could feel how it hurt inside of her. Yes, she had longed to be in his arms again, but it was so different from what she had expected. Right now she didn't feel like crying, she didn't even know if she could do it ever again. His eyes comforted her as he placed his arms around her.

"Lily," he whispered.

"James…" Lily said breathlessly.

Slowly they started to dance, not talking, but just looking at each other. Lily was lost in his eyes and was sure she had never enjoyed them so much. She never wanted to let go of him again.

James was the first to break the silence, "You look breathtaking," he said silently.

"Thanks."

Lily smiled to herself; he had noticed the dress. They slowly moved a bit further into the dance floor and danced a bit more. Lily was unbelievably aware of how comforting his hand on her waist felt and how good his other hand fitted into hers. They were like build to be together.

"I've missed you," he said.

"I've missed you too," she spoke softly. "So much."

It was the first time she'd said something that was true about them since they had broken up. And it felt good.

"You know I love you, right?" he asked her.

"Yes," she said and nodded. "You've said so before."

She couldn't drag her eyes away from his, and she didn't want to either. She just wanted to dance like this forever.

"Can we put it all behind us?" he asked out of nowhere. "Leave it all and never talk about it again?"

Lily was taken by surprise and thought about it for a couple of seconds. She wanted so deadly to say yes, but something inside of her made her shake her head and say no.

"Why?" he asked, looking at her.

"I don't know," she answered honestly. "I really don't know."

He swung her around himself and then pushed her closer to him with his hands on her back. Lily could now feel his body against hers, it made her feel safe. At the same time he slowly led her away from the dance floor again.

"What happened that evening?" he asked in a whisper so she could feel his regret in his voice.

Lily shook her heard. "I don't know," she whispered back.

"Don't know or don't remember?"

Lily bit her lip for a couple of seconds. "Don't remember," she said so silently that she could barely hear her own voice.

"Me neither," he said.

Lily slowly let her hands slide up around his neck as the music slightly slowed down.

"And I don't want to remember," she said.

"Maybe it wasn't that important after all."

"But important enough to separate us."

He nodded. "Every day and every night I wish I could take it back."

"Take what back?" she asked, frowning; they both had said so much.

"The last thing. On the station," he said. "I don't hate you, didn't then and never have."

She could feel tears in her eyes as he spoke those words and had to pull herself together before she'd break down. The truth was that she had never wanted to kiss him more than in that second.

"I… I didn't mean it either," she said. "If there was one thing I'd change, it was what I said. I've never regretted anything more."

"I love you," he whispered.

Lily closed her eyes, trying to block the tears in her eyes. "I love you t-"

She stopped as James suddenly had pressed his lips against hers. She didn't even think of ending the sentence. She just thought she didn't want the kiss to end. When he pulled slightly away again, she dragged him back to her with her hands.

"Don't let me go," she whispered into his mouth.

"I won't ever as long as I live," he whispered back and kissed her again.

Lily could feel his hands push her up against him and feel his heart beat through his shirt and her dress. Nothing else in the whole world had ever had a more calming effect on her and she could have stood like that forever.

But something in the back of her mind interrupted her. 'No!' it screamed. 'NO! This is not what you've waited several months for! Don't ruin it now! He broke your heart! Remember his eyes!'

Lily pulled away.

"I can't," she whispered, still being close to James, his forehead pressing against hers.

"Yes," he whispered. "Don't let go."

"No," she said.

She pulled her arms back and removed his from her back. He looked at her with a pained expression and Lily could almost feel his heart break in her hands.

"We can't," she said more to convince herself than him.

"Yes, we can," he said and took a step closer. "Look."

Lily pushed his arms away, fresh tears forming in her eyes. "No," she said. "I can't."

Now it wasn't only his heart she could feel break; it was her own as well and it hurt. It was worse than at the station in Hogsmeade, it was worse than seeing him at Remus' or in a dress shop. It was worse this time because deeply inside of her she didn't want to reject him, and she didn't want to break his heart and her own as a matter of fact. It was like ambivalent feelings were rushing inside of her. She wanted to stay close to James. Kiss him, feel his arms around her. But she couldn't and she didn't know why. Her head was a big mess.

"Lily," he said softly.

"No…" she whispered.

He grabbed her hands; she couldn't pull them back. She had two voices inside her head; one was telling her to pull her hands back, the other was begging her to fling her arms around his neck and kiss him again.

He pulled her nearer and closed the space between them. Once again Lily could feel his heart. It pounded uncontrollably, extremely fast. Her own probably did too.

"Why are you fighting this, Lily?" he asked. "You're contradicting your own feelings!"

"How would you know?" she asked.

"I know you! Your brain says one thing, your heart tells you otherwise. And which do you listen to? Not your heart, that's for sure."

"James, I can't bear it!" she whispered. "I can't go through it all again. It's too much pain! I'm scared."

"The pain doesn't have to be there! Nor does the fright! I'm here for you." he said. "Remember all the times we had! Don't you want all that back?"

Yes, Lily wanted it all back, but she was afraid. She was afraid of getting hurt and maybe not to make it through the fall. She placed her hands on James' chest, pushing him away.

"No!" she said, looking at his feet.

She could almost see James break down in front of her, and she didn't blame him. His eyes turned from being filled with love and desire to hurt and without hope. They slowly filled with tears, as did Lily's. She had never seen James cry and had until this moment been sure it would never happen. James wasn't the kind of guy who cried. He was the kind of guy, who would make everyone laugh at a funeral or make everyone smile and make peace with their enemies. Not a guy who would cry over a girl. A simple girl. He could always go find another one and move on.

"You're everything that I want," he whispered.

"You too," Lily whispered. "But we lost it…"

"No," he said. "You must not believe that!"

The truth was that Lily actually didn't really believe it. She just tried to convince herself more than James. Why she did it, was still a mystery to her own self.

"How can you believe it, Lily?!" he asked, with a raised voice. "How can you say it?"

She shook her head; she didn't believe it, but why was she arguing with herself? Why was she thinking one thing and doing another?

"Because-" her voice snapped, "because I've moved on."

'Liar!' a voice inside of her screamed, 'Liar!'

If she had thought James had broken down before, it was nothing like what happened now. Tears fell from his eyes and he closed them. He shook his head slightly.

"I can't believe it…" he whispered.

He looked at her, searching her eyes and Lily was sure he'd see right through her lie, so she looked away. He slowly let go of her hands.

"I love you," he said softly.

Lily trembled. "I love you too."

"Then why are you lying?"

"I'm no-"

She was again stopped as James pressed his lips against hers. Lily welcomed his lips and responded the kiss. This time James was the one to break away.

"Liar," he whispered with closed eyes but slowly opened them.

Lily didn't answer. She looked away, and could feel James searching for her eyes again, but she didn't look back.

"I've got to go," she whispered.

James made to grab her hands but only caught one. Lily turned and gave him a last look before letting go of his hand and storming away.