Hey everyone
Hey everyone! I know that it hasn't been very long since I last updated this, but it's just about my favorite chapter. I couldn't wait to get this one out because it has a song that fits with it so well. Yay! Lol. Well thank you to all who have read and reviewed. I really, REALLY appreciate it. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :3 :3 :D
… means lyrics
-- means switching point of views
Partnership
Night came rather quickly as we sat around a fire. Not much had been said after our argument when I jumped into the water. There was something bothering us both and it made me wonder if it was the same thing. 'Wouldn't it be nice if it was the same thing?' The thought was hopeful, but it didn't stop me from thinking it. I needed to know if there was someone he had his heart set on; if he already had someone. Even if the answer tore me apart on the inside, I still needed the answer.
My blood red eyes continued to glance at Sesshoumaru as she stared into the fire. Every time his face was still the same. 'I wonder what he is thinking about…'
"Nina," his voice broke the silence, "If you have a question, then do ask."
"Who says that I have a question?" I asked with a slightly doubtful tone.
"You only glanced at me like this when you had something you needed to say," Sesshoumaru stated stoically.
His voice was quiet and almost… gentle. I didn't understand why.
"I do have something to ask, but I don't know how to say it," I stated, looking at the side with worried eyes.
There were many things I needed to know… but did I deserve the answers? Did I even have the right to ask?
"Then why did you deny that you had something to ask?" he questioned me with a slight smirk on his face.
"I never said that I didn't," I mused with my own smirk, "I just wondered on what made you ask."
"You've heard my answer," he stated, "Now ask your question."
…
Is that seat taken?
Congratulations
Would you like to take a walk with me?
My mind it kind of goes fast
I try to slow it down for you
I think I'd love to take a drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart
…
I looked away from Sesshoumaru all the more with embarrassment. Such a stupid question it was to begin with. 'This will end with shouting…'
"This is really none of my business," I stated with a nervous laugh, "I was just thinking… if whether or not you had mate or not…"
My voice was quiet with my words. Was it even the right thing to ask? 'What will I do if he does? Where will I go?'
Sesshoumaru's golden orbs seemed to be wide with surprise. Did he even care about such a thing?
"I did not believe that you wondered about such things," he stated with what sounded like slight amusement.
"Does the question bother you?" I asked with a slightly cocked brow.
"Not at all," he mused slightly, "In fact, I have been wondering the same about you."
My eyes widened with surprise at his words. 'He was wondering if I had a mate as well?' It seemed slightly confusing. Why would he have reason to care about such a thing?
"It is surprising, isn't it?" he questioned as he rose to his feet and began to walk around the fire, "Or is it more intriguing to you?"
"I have no one," I whispered as I stared straight into his serious orbs, "I've been alone for a long time now. You know that…"
--
She had asked the very thing he needed to know. He had been questioning the very thing in his mind. Yes, she stated that she had been alone for nine years, but that did not mean she didn't have her heart set on someone. For her asking he was both surprised and a little relieved. He didn't know how he could have brought such a thing up so willingly. This way was much simpler.
He had to be amused when she asked. How happy he was to hear that she was curious about such a thing… He was delighted really.
"I never thought you would ask," he mused, "I thought I was the only one who was thinking about it."
He had to laugh inside when he saw the surprise on her face at his words. How innocent she seemed to make herself out to be.
Now was the time to tell her… to finally speak words left unsaid for nine years. Though he knew it wouldn't be so simple. There was always more to it than that.
"You know I have no one," he heard her murmur as she stared into his golden orbs.
He knew that he was serious about the matter. She was dearly important to his being… but she had to know what else he was hiding from her.
"I have not spent the last nine years alone," he started, eyebrows furrowing slightly, "A village not too far away has a female human there… We had crossed paths with each other."
He watched her eyes become hurt slightly and he didn't understand at the moment.
"She is not my mate, but we are together I suppose…" he finished off with a rather quiet tone.
--
…
My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me. hu hu hu hu
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me. hu hu hu hu
I came to see the light in my best friend
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been
My chance of being open was broken
And now you're Mrs. him.
...
'I knew it.' I told myself as my gaze fell away from him. I should have known but didn't… Now I regretted it greatly. The subject should never have been brought up.
"Oh…" I murmured, rubbing my left arm with my right hand.
'What should I say to him? I don't know at all… Should I say that I'm happy for him?' My blood red eyes wouldn't meet his golden ones and I bit my lip slightly.
"I guess… I-I'm…" I couldn't finish my sentence.
There was no way that I could lie to him. I wasn't happy for him. I wasn't happy for her either.
'I… I feel like my heart is being crushed… why? Why does it hurt so damn much?' I asked, closing my eyes tightly. I could feel my heart breaking… knowing that I was being foolish for hoping. I knew already that there was no one that cared.
"I… I hope you're happy," I whispered with a small smile before getting to my feet.
I started to walk away before his hand grabbed my wrist. 'I'm such an idiot…'
"Where are you going?" he asked me with a gentle, worried tone.
"On a walk," I stated, feeling my heart breaking under the pressure, "I need to think."
With that, I pulled my hand away and began running to get as far away as possible.
…
My words they don't come out right
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you
I think I'm going to take that drive
I want to give you something
I've been wanting to give to you for years
My heart
…
Later into the night, I stopped somewhere in the forest. My mind and heart continued to race. It had been hours since I had seen or heard anything from Sesshoumaru. I knew that running away was stupid… but I needed to get far away. I could still feel my heart breaking in my chest. If that was how it felt for me… then I didn't was to know what it felt like with my human soul.
As I sat down against a tree trunk, I buried my face into my palms. 'What am I doing? Why… why did I run away like that? Why couldn't I just say I was happy for him?' I furrowed my eyebrows together as I crossed my legs in the short grass. Was that all it took to run away? To… to abandon someone close to you?
"Maybe because I'm not," I murmured into my palms.
I knew that I wasn't happy only because it was someone else and not me. 'Such a selfish reason…' My eyebrows furrowed at the thought. Was that what became of love? Jealousy… Was that all it came out to be?
"I should have just been happy for him," I told myself, gripping my black bangs.
What kind of person was I?
--
Why had she run away from him? Why had she left him like that? He stared at the trees with his golden orbs. There had to be a reason, because there always was. The reason may have been transparent… but it was still there.
"What have I done?" he questioned himself.
He was the lord… he never questioned himself. Was that what love did? Did it make you question everything you had ever learned? Was that all it was?
"No," he murmured while shaking his head slightly, "I do not question what I have done."
Yes, there had been doubt at this present time… doubt when he had decided his path… but at the moment, he had no doubt in his feelings for her. He had shared little with the female at the village and much with Nina. His Nina was still there, he could see her behind those blood red eyes. This Nina was still his Nina.
The female at the village had no sense of freedom. She was nothing but a noble woman that would wait patiently for his return each time her left her. He needed that freedom from such a being; such a... princess. Yes, she was kind and caring… but she believed that he was always right. She had no personality… this other woman.
He sighed as he looked up at the dark night sky. What had he done? Why did everything he'd do seem to cause her nothing but pain? Nina didn't deserve any more pain. He knew that much.
"Where have you gone Nina?" he asked, closing his golden orbs.
He felt so lifeless without her beside him… and he was tired of feeling cold hearted.
So he went after her.
--
Rain started to fall from the dark sky as I sat alone. How I didn't enjoy being alone anymore. I had re-tasted friendship and enjoyed it too much for me to believe.
"But how… can I face him?" I asked myself as tears welled up in my eyes.
I hated myself for what I had done. I couldn't believe that I had run away like I had. 'Idiot… You're so stupid!' I screamed at myself as I clutched my bangs tightly.
"How could I possibly… tell him the truth?" I whispered to myself.
Was I just jealous? Was that even possible for something like me? 'I'm nothing but a stupid fool.'
"Tell who the truth?" his voice questioned from in front of me.
My body tensed at the sound of his voice. It easily broke through the sound of the pouring rain around us. 'Why… why did he come after me?' My eyebrows furrowed at the silent question.
"What do you want?" I asked coldly, wiping the tears from my eyes before I looked directly at him.
"To know why you ran away," he stated with an almost… gentle tone.
I didn't understand his expression or his tone, but I knew that Sesshoumaru was determined.
…
My heart, my pain won't cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
My heart
My heart won't take this cover up
You left me.. hu hu hu hu
…
My blood red eyes locked with his golden orbs as the rain continued t pour. '…Because I love you.
"I got mad, so I left," I stated as I crossed my arms, "That was all there was to it."
"You always were bad at lying," he stated as he took a step towards me.
"Just because you can smell it," I scoffed.
"You don't shed tears when you get angry, Nina," Sesshoumaru stated quietly as he knelt down in front of me.
"Of course you would know," I scoffed again, turning my gaze away from him, "I was pissed off not too long ago."
A hand took hold of my arm and I was pulled to my feet unwillingly. 'What is running through your head right now?' I wondered as his golden orbs stared at me intently.
I looked up at him with slightly narrowed eyes.
"Tell me why you are shedding tears Nina," his voice was gentle but still held its demand.
'I can't…'
"Why does it matter?" I asked, closing my eyes.
"It matters because you matter," he stated as his wet silver bangs fell forward on his forehead.
The rain continued to pour and soak both of us to the bone. It was continuous… almost unending in the awkwardness.
"You're only saying that," I stated, dropping my eyes from his gaze, "Since when has anyone cared about Nina Hanaki?"
At my words, Sesshoumaru's face almost seemed hurt. I didn't understand why. 'Nobody ever seemed to care. Nobody but you…' At the thought, more tears began to well up in my eyes.
"Damn it," I hissed at myself, about to wipe them off my already wet cheeks.
Before I could, a warm hand was already there to wipe them away.
"There may not have been many," Sesshoumaru stated rather quietly, "but I know that what happened to you always mattered to me."
I paused for a moment and looked at him intently. 'I knew that you always cared… but I just wish that it was more than in a friendship way…' My expression became solemn at the thought. Such a thing… couldn't possibly happen.
"Nine years ago… I don't think I could have believed that," I whispered, looking Sesshoumaru directly in the eye.
"I'm aware," he murmured, "Now tell me what makes this occasion so different."
What did make this occasion any different? Yes, he had a female already… but then I had been horribly betrayed. Was this time worse… or the same? In both cases my heart felt like it was being crushed in his palm. Why was he the only one with the power to do it?
"I was seven when you left me there," I started to explain, looking him in the eye, "I'm sixteen now. Then it felt just as horrible as it does now. Except… I don't know which one is worse. Because wither way… I feel like I've been betrayed."
--
He looked at her intently as she explained how she was feeling at the moment. He knew what she had felt when he had abandoned her nine years ago; betrayal.
What was so special about now? Why would she feel betrayed of all things? He had a female when his heart truly belonged to the sixteen year old that stood before him… Was that why? Did she feel about him just as he did for her? Could that have possibly been the reason?
"I feel like I've been betrayed in so many ways and I don't understand why," she stated, throwing her free hand up slightly as the rain came down, "I wasn't there. I shouldn't be expecting you to be standing here and saying things that I want to say."
His brows furrowed slightly at her words. What was she trying to say to him with that tone?
"Sesshoumaru… Sesshoumaru, I'm sorry," she apologized as she rested her head against his chest armor, "I can't help it."
The smell of salty water came up with the scent of the rain. He could smell it… She was crying.
"What can't you help?" he asked, wrapping his other arm around her.
He felt her hands take a tight hold of the shoulders of his hoari.
"Nina?" he questioned.
"I love you," she whispered into his chest armor.
His golden orbs widened slightly at those words. They were what he longed to hear. Hearing it from her seemed to mean so much more than it did when the other female had spoken them. For that… he actually seemingly felt guilty. He was in love with the girl that he was not with.
--
I clutched at his hoari tightly. My heart was racing in my chest and I couldn't calm it down. I needed to tell him… I knew I had to before it completely ate away at me. 'I have to tell him…'
"I love you, Sesshoumaru," I whispered into his chest.
I didn't care whether he had heard me or not. The point was that I said it at all. 'I'll be free of this kind of torture.'
…
And I can't change this
I can never take it back
But now I can't change your mind
(You left me)
And I can't take this
I can never take this back
But now I can't change your mind
can't change your mind
…
He didn't respond for a few moments, but his grip tightened around my waist. I didn't know how he felt about me… how he felt in return… but at least he understood why I did what I did.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, furrowing my eyebrows at myself, "I can't help it anymore…"
Sesshoumaru looked down at me and pulled me off of him slightly. His golden orbs held something that almost seemed like tenderness. Our eyes met and I couldn't understand what was going through his head at the moment. My tears had long since stopped… Once I had told him, the tears suddenly stopped. 'Was it just out of relief?' I wondered as I couldn't unlock our gazes.
"Sesshoumaru I-"
I was cut off before I could finish. His lips had captured mine so suddenly that it felt like my heart had stopped beating all the more at my confusion. All the same… I couldn't force myself to pull away from him.
My heart was erratic in my chest before he pulled away from me. I couldn't hold back the pleasure from my face. A blush was present.
"I have waited far too long to do that," he whispered, tightening his hold on my shoulders.
"What do you mean 'waited'?" I questioned with a cocked brow, "Don't you have someone?"
He must have known that I would have been confused by his actions. He had said that he wasn't alone, and now this happens. It didn't make any sense to me.
"I do have a female," he admitted quietly, resting his forehead against mine, "but my feelings for her compared to you… there is hardly no need to compare. You would be my choice from the very beginning."
'…The beginning? What does he mean by the beginning?'
"I have always loved you," he told me gently, "It was because of this that I had to do something so regrettable."
"I don't… I don't get it," I stated, furrowing my eyebrows again.
How could one not be confused at this?
Sesshoumaru stood back to his full height and turned slightly to the side. What was going through his head? What had he been hiding from me this entire time? What else was there to tell?
"Nine years ago… my mother truly had threatened to kill you if we were together any longer," he started with narrowed eyes and furrowed brows, "but not truly for the reason I had spoken of before."
Nine years ago…
He stood at the door in front of him. It was fully closed and beyond it awaited his ill mother. He had been called for from a servant… her personal servant.
"What does mother want?" he questioned with a cocked eyebrow.
Unlike his father, his mother was stricter on his behavior. When she had heard that there was a slight possibility that he had been with a half bred peasant, there was no end to her lecture.
He had been spending more and more time with his younger friend. And at his age, he could understand his emotions well enough to know what that half bred little girl meant to him. He knew fully what she meant to his being… how much he depended on seeing her.
Slowly, he opened the door and silently stepped into the quiet room. His mother sat in a wondrous pink silk kimono covered in blue flowers. Her black hair hung down around her porcelain skin and framed her small face. Even in her state, she was quite beautiful.
"You called for me mother?" he questioned as he bowed politely.
"Yes," she stated pleasantly, "I have heard from a guard that he had seen you playing with that half breed again… Is this true?"
He clenched his palms at the question. Why was the concept such a problem? He had made an important friend… why did such a thing matter to someone who would not live to see him as a ruler?
"Yes mother," he replied emotionlessly, "I have done as you have said."
"Did I not make myself clear the last time?" she asked, her tone agitated.
"She is but a friend, mother," he continued, "Nothing would become of her."
That was a lie. He knew what would happen once she was old enough… He knew what he wanted.
"You should discontinue your lies Sesshoumaru," she told him through cold eyes, "I know of your expressions towards her. The guard has told me of how… gentle you are with her."
He looked at his mother with cold eyes as well. He did not care what she thought on the circumstance. He knew what he wanted, and he knew what he would do when the time came.
"Yes mother, I love that child," he stated with a fierce gaze, "I do not plan on changing that fact any time soon."
He turned t leave the room but stopped when he heard laughter.
"My dear son," she mused slightly, "Either you leave her be, or the guards will kill her instead. Which would you rather see? …Her die? Or watch her live for another day?"
His fists clenched tightly all the more at her words.
"If that is the case…" he murmured, "then I will leave her."
His mother's opinion wouldn't matter when she was no longer amongst the living. He just hoped that his choice would take him back when that time came.
Present
He told his side of the story… he told the entire truth about the abandonment. It made his heart clench slightly in his chest. The memory alone upset him greatly. His mother had been so controlling and demanding… it was no wonder that he decided to rebel against her. He never did enjoy being told what to do by other people.
"I had no choice," he murmured, avoiding her gaze "When both of them died, I came to find you… and I found her along the way."
Her eyes looked up at him – slightly wide – and he could see it from the corner of his eye.
"I only chose out of fear of never seeing you again," he continued, "Half breeds don't usually live for very long on their own..."
Then he saw her gaze drop slightly. He knew that she hadn't really been given a choice on what she did. It had been suffer… or change. Even he understood that.
--
I turned my gaze to the ground solemnly. 'If he had of just told me then… then I wouldn't have left like that… He could have told me at least something.'
"Why… didn't you just tell me about her?" I asked with furrowed eyebrows, "Why didn't you just tell me that your mother was doing that? I could have stayed at the village and…"
"There are a lot of 'what ifs' in life, Nina," Sesshoumaru whispered as he turned towards me, "I wasn't going to take that risk. I loved you then, Nina, and I love you now."
…
(You left me)
Can't change you mind
(You left me)
(You left me)
(You left me)
(You left me)
Go away
Make it go away
Please.
…
Again his lips captured mine. The kiss was gentle and soft… I couldn't describe how it felt in the proper words. As he pulled away, I looked up at him with furrowed brows.
"You're being cruel," I whispered.
'What about that other female? How would she feel if…'
"I know, but I'm not sorry," he told me gently, "You were mine nine years ago… she will just have to understand."
What if that girl had her heart broken by this? What if she had her heart set on Sesshoumaru alone? Or was this alright?
"What is there… to understand?"
End of Chapter 5
So… how was it? I exceeded my bedtime to get this out and I'm really tired so you all better be really happy with it! Or else I threaten you. xD Lol. No, I don't, but I hope you all liked this chapter none the less. Thank you for reading, I hope you all enjoyed it and thought that the song fit well with it. It was Congratulations by Blue October. Wooness all the way! Please R&R and I'll try to update as soon as I get the chance to. :3 :D