I feel good. I got reviews. Score! I read each and every one and took them all to heart- thank you for taking the time. Well, if you're reading this, you made it through the first chapter! Thanks for sticking with me. I write this when I am bored at work, so updates should come every two weeks-ish as I can usually pick off a page or two every few days. I don't intend for this to be a story centered around 'action', per se… I'm always much more interested in emotional battles and relationships. This will end up being pretty relationship-y. You've been warned!

Finding My Way Back

Chapter Two: Hindsight

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"Do you really think that's what this is about?"

"Well, it seems like that's a common thing, it's possible he doesn't even realize he's doing it."

"It's just that… he should realize he's doing it."

"Yes… he should."

Rinoa shifted the weight of her pack from her left shoulder to her right and lifted her arm up. A small hand appeared at the top of the rocky outcrop and reached down to grasp Rinoa's at the wrist. With a grunt of effort, Rinoa pushed herself away from the foothold and clambered to the top of the rock. Collapsing beside her friend, she gave her a sidelong glance.

"I don't know how this can't make you tired," she said accusingly. Taking a satisfied hit off of her water bottle, Selphie wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and shrugged.

"Rinoa, you guys have been together for a long time now. It happens. He just doesn't feel like he has to win you anymore. It's not that he cares less, he just… doesn't have to compete for you anymore… he knows how much you love him, and that's not a bad thing."

Sitting down next to her friend, Rinoa grabbed the water bottle from her and tipped it toward her mouth. "I know, Selph. I just… I wish he'd try more," she explained, searching for the right words, which always seemed to dance just out of her reach when she thought about this. "I see how you and Irvine are, so free with each other out in the Quad. I see Zell, who dropped everything without a second thought when his girlfriend asked him to go to the beach with her. I… sometimes, I just want what everyone else seems to just have without all the effort."

"But you and Squall aren't like everyone else," Selphie said, cold objectivity in her voice. She shifted onto her knees to gain eye level with Rinoa, and Rinoa was surprised to see the resolve in the brunette's eyes. "I know you don't like to talk about it. I know that neither of you want to admit that that you're different. But you ARE, Rinoa. You two are so far beyond the rest of us where it counts. Don't you think I'd give anything to spend five minutes inside Irvine's head? To close my eyes and to not only know that he loves me, but to feel it too?"

Rinoa broke Selphie's gaze and climbed to her feet as she re-shouldered her pack and brushed her palms off on her shorts. Looking out from the cliff top to the expansive forest below, she remained quiet. Selphie rolled her eyes good-naturedly and followed her friend to the edge of the outlook, putting her arm through Rinoa's in a gesture of comfort. "You knew this from the beginning, Rinoa. Squall's never been simple. Don't forget, that's half the reason you fell in love with him to begin with."

Casting a sidelong look at her friend, Rinoa withdrew her arm and punched Selphie lightly on the bicep. "You know, Selph… you're way more perceptive than people give you credit for," she said wryly. Selphie winked in return and pointed at the trail that continued away from the rock face they'd scaled. "Don't tell anyone!" she called over her shoulder as she disappeared into the foliage.

Rinoa hung back a moment, unable to break her gaze with the landscape below her. While her eyes traced the river meandering through the valley below, her mind traced the path of her interaction with Squall earlier that morning.

"I don't see what the big deal is," Squall had said simply, looking up from the folder he was currently reading. "If that's what you want, that's what we'll do."

Rinoa had sighed softly before turning so her back was towards her boyfriend. She had always found it easier to speak her mind to Squall when she didn't have to look directly into his eyes. Locking eyes had, she found, often caused her to either forget or forgo whatever she had been about to say. "It's just that I wish you'd ask me why I need to change the dates, rather than just agreeing and going back to… whatever… it is that you're doing over there." She cringed a bit as she heard the folder snap shut behind her, but steeled herself inwardly. The place where Squall lived, in the back of her mind, prickled as she sensed him walk across the floor of her dorm room and stop about a foot behind her. She knew he wouldn't say anything until she turned around, and reluctantly did so.

It was something she hadn't expected. They often argued and had fallen into the comfortable pattern of 'Rinoa pouts', followed by 'Squall acts confused and incredulous', and ending with 'Squall and Rinoa magically get over it', but this was different. Squall was… angry. He fixed her with a stare that she assumed he usually reserved for SeeD discipline.

"Well, Rinoa…. won't you please tell me why you need me to switch my days off?" Squall said softly, voiced laced with barely concealed venom. Rinoa's jaw dropped open slightly and she stammered to answer, to tell him that she just wanted to feel as if he was interested in what she was doing, that he was thinking about her, but he continued before she had the chance to voice the thoughts. "Because I'm not busy or anything. I know that you're aware of how difficult it is to request time off, and all the double shifts and all the nights I worked to secure three days off in a row. And I know that you appreciate the fact that rather than get angry at all the strings that I'll have to pull to take a different holiday off, I just agree with you rather than fight about it, right?"

"Squall, I…" Rinoa began, holding both her hands up in an unconsciously defensive position, "I… that's not what I meant, not at all. I just… I want you to… be interested, I guess." She shrugged and stole a glance at the SeeD. Squall's face was still, but his eyes flashed his annoyance.

"You think I'm not interested in you?" he asked, rubbing the bridge of his nose with one hand. "Because, Rinoa, you should know that I can't help but be interested in you. You're in my head all the time, whether I like it or not. I spend all day getting hit by your feelings, be they happy, sad, angry, or Hyne knows what," He paused to gauge her reaction, which Rinoa did her best to conceal, before he continued in a softer tone. "So don't tell me I don't think about you, because you take up far more space in my head than I do."

With that, he turned back toward where he had been sitting and began to gather papers into the leather satchel in which he had brought them to Rinoa's room. Rinoa swallowed, her mouth dry. She wanted nothing more than to apologize to Squall and forget the entire argument, but she knew that she was not completely in the wrong. She knew how a girlfriend should be treated, and that if they were going to make a go of it as a 'normal' couple, that he needed to act like a boyfriend. And so she steeled herself again and spoke exactly what was on her mind.

"You think I asked for it to be like this?" she said softly, sadly. Her tone must have gotten through to Squall, as she noticed he had slowed the pace of his repacking. "You think this 'bond' is what I want? Do you really think I want you to always have an inside window into what I'm thinking? You don't think I feel… violated… sometimes, just as I'm sure you must?" This time, Squall turned to look at her, his brow furrowed but no more anger in his eyes. "I just wanted you be interested, not overwhelmed. To care, not cave to what I want." Her voice gathered strength and momentum as she continued. "I'm sorry I take up so much space in your head. But trust me; you take up just as much in mine. I wouldn't want it any other way! I'd want it even if I wasn't… what I am, although I'm sure you'd much prefer to stay by yourself!" Drawing herself up, she grabbed a pair of her shoes from the floor under her bed and moved roughly past him. "As a matter of fact," she proclaimed as she turned to face him, almost giddy with an anger she didn't realize she'd harbored, "You can stay by yourself right now!"

Rinoa stepped through the door and slammed it behind her, leaving Squall alone in her room. She moved down the hallway at a fast trot, and ducked around a corner. It was only then that she allowed herself a moment to think about what she'd said, and as the knowledge sank in, so did her body against the cool wall. She let her back slide against the surface until she was squatting on the floor and put her hands, warm and trembling, against her eyes.

Oh come on, Rinoa. There had to be a better way to say it… but you were right, dammit! He does need to treat you with care! But why did it have to come back to the bond? You know he hates to talk about it. You know YOU hate to talk about it. Why can't you ever choose your battles? She shook her head miserably as her thoughts overlapped each other, some proclaiming her right to be angry and others insisting she was nothing more than an instigator.

Cool fingertips touched her tentatively on the shoulder, and Rinoa jumped. With a final rub to her dry, but sore, eyes, she looked up, hoping- and somewhat expecting- to see Squall. Instead she found Selphie, clad in khaki shorts and a plain white tank top, a traveling pack slipping off one shoulder as she leaned over her friend.

"Hey Rin, you good?" she asked casually, obviously not wanting to butt in on anything that Rinoa might want to keep private. Rinoa gave her an acerbic smile from the floor and reached up. Selphie grasped her hand and pulled Rinoa to her feet. Running a hand through her hair, Rinoa looked down at the ground, rather embarrassed to be caught in such a state. Selphie, always keen to other's emotions, scratched the back of one of her legs with her other foot and correctly gauged how Rinoa was feeling. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. As a matter of fact, I was about to head out and hike the mighty peaks of Balamb," she volunteered, her voice full of humorous bravado. "I'd love the company. You can borrow some of my hiking clothes, since we're almost the same size. You've already got the shoes," Selphie gestured to the footwear Rinoa had blindly grabbed from under her bed, which happened to be a rugged pair of sneakers that would serve well enough for moderate hiking.

This time, Rinoa managed a more genuine smile for her friend. "Okay Selph… I'd love to come with you. Only I really don't want to talk about it, ok?" Selphie gave her an excited nod and looped her arm through Rinoa's, pulling her down another hallway toward her own officer's quarters. They walked in silence for only moments before Rinoa shrugged her shoulders and proclaimed: "Fine, Selphie! Since you refuse to leave me alone about it, I guess I will have to tell you every gory detail of what happened this morning! Jeeze!" Selphie's giggled apology reverberated off the empty hallway walls as the two girls made their way back through the Garden.

All of which brought Rinoa back to where she was now, at the top of one of Selphie's "mighty peaks of Balamb". Although it had only been a temporary escape from the morning's troubles, Rinoa was immensely grateful to her friend for getting her out of Garden and away from any place that Squall might go to look for her.

I hope he's looking for me. The unbidden thought bubbled up though her mind, and she tried to quash it back down. This was not a game and she was not about to be one of 'those girls' who would run away only to see if someone would chase them.

Squinting out over the horizon, Rinoa tried to make out the shape of Garden in the distance. Centering her gaze on approximately where she thought it was, she now tried to zero in on Squall, who was undoubtedly inside it. She knew he wouldn't like it, but she decided to try anyway. With a deep breath in, she let her mind drift out and across the trees, skimming over streams and whistling through fields, over--

Rinoa staggered back a step, feeling as if someone had just delivered a sharp slap to her forehead. She must have run into something, but it was obvious that she was alone, unmoving, in the middle of an open expanse. Knowing that there was no other explanation other than the bond, Rinoa reached out again; this time more tentatively.

She found Squall easily on the second attempt. Rinoa had never been able to describe how 'finding' him felt. The best description she'd ever been able to come up with was that it felt like touching someone through a very thick blanket- you knew if you were feeling an arm or a leg, but much more definition was difficult. She could tell that Squall was preoccupied, the bond thrummed with a tinge of unease, but also a sense of concentration.

"Rinoooooo-a!" a voice drifted out from behind her, the direction in which Selphie had disappeared. "Rinoooooo-a, move your BUTT!" With a wry smile for no one in particular and a promise to herself to question Squall about the strange sensation later, she snugged her pack on her shoulders and headed into the woods after Selphie.

The girls turned the car into Selphie's spot in the Garden parking lot just as sunset was giving way to night. They had initially planned to arrive back at Garden in the mid-afternoon, but on their way back Selphie had caught sight of an apple orchard sign and had sent the car into a death spin (as Rinoa had rightly proclaimed it) and turned the car around. Many hi-jinks and tree-climbings later, the girls were back in the car, along with about eight overflowing bags of freshly-picked apples.

Rinoa groaned as the car rolled to a stop. Arching her back against the seat, she picked a twig out of her hair. "Selphie… remind me why I had to climb to the tops of the apple trees rather than be sensible and just pick the ones that we could actually reach?"

Selphie threw her a rueful look in return. "Because," she stated calmly, "All the best apples are at the top. No one has had their germy hands on them. They also get the most sun. And you had to climb to get them because you, my friend, are a MIDGET who cannot reach anything!" she said gleefully, ticking the reasons off on her fingers.

"Wait, wait, wait. I'm a midget?! You should have been up there with me!"

"Duh Rinoa, someone had to coordinate our ground efforts! You'd never make it in SeeD!"

With a mock growl of frustration, Rinoa reached for the car door handle and heaved herself out of the vehicle, and the pair went around to the trunk to retrieve their gear and hard-won apples. As they leaned over the car, both girls let out shrieks and bumped their heads on the top of the trunk as they spun around. There stood Irvine, with a delighted grin on his face.

"Irvine! Don't grab my butt!" Selphie howled, trying to heave a bag of apples into her boyfriend and almost losing her balance in the process. Rinoa put her hands on her hips accusingly.

"Yeah Irvine, don't grab my butt either!" Rinoa threatened.

Selphie howled again, and took an apple out of the bag and lobbed it at Irvine. "Irvine!" she shrieked, "Don't grab other women's butts! What is wrong with you?!"

"Selph, Selph," Irvine pleaded, his hands up to shield from any more apples, "You won't let me grab your butt, I'm just a man and I have needs…" He ducked as another apple whistled past his head, knocking off his hat "Now- now, this is not fair! I was just worried about you ladies! You were late coming home and I was excited to know you were alive! Hey!" he called as the girls shared a conspiratorial glance and launched an all-out apple assault on the cowboy. Irvine ducked behind a car as the girls also sought cover.

"Quick, Rinoa!" Selphie called gleefully from behind a parking barrier. "Guerilla tactics!" Rinoa nodded and dove behind another barrier, but caught movement from out of the corner of her eye. Turning on her heel, she pitched two fruits in quick succession. She suddenly realized that it had grown quiet in the underground garage, and that Selphie had risen to a standing position. Rinoa peeked with one eye over the barrier.

Squall and Quistis stood silently in the entryway. Quistis held a clipboard in one hand, the other over her lips to disguise what looked suspiciously like the makings of a smile. Squall, however, seemed stony-faced as he caught her eye. In his raised left hand he held the two apples Rinoa had just thrown. Rather than stand up to face punishment as Selphie (and she assumed Irvine) had, she slumped back down to a sitting position, hidden from view with her back against the barricade. She could still see Selphie, who appeared to be weighing the situation in her head.

"Squall! Commander!" Selphie piped up, evidently deciding that levity might be the best course of action. "Commander, this SeeD is guilty- soooo guilty- of sexual harassment! I demand that he be taken to a disciplinary room! Immediately!"

"Commander! These women were out after curfew," Irvine cut in, following Selphie's lead. "I had to protect Garden from any enemy infiltrators, and besides… they opened fire on ME first!" The tactic appeared to work, as Rinoa heard Squall sigh. She pictured him rolling his eyes as Quistis and telling her to handle it.

"Quistis, you handle this. Make sure they don't start a war on their way back to quarters," Squall instructed as Rinoa shook her head and smiled slightly to herself. Selphie flashed her friend a 'good luck' thumbs up and jumped over her barrier to join Irvine and Quistis. As their voices faded down the wide corridor leading away from the parking lot, Squall's voice echoed through it. "Rinoa? We gonna talk about this?"

"I don't want to take up too much of your time," she called back shortly, and then winced. It wasn't really all his fault and she knew that rebuffing him after he'd reached out to her would hurt him. But she had her pride too, and so remained silent for several moments.

She jumped as he suddenly appeared at her side and slid down to sit next to her. Rinoa cursed mentally, she often forgot how quiet and stealthy he could be whenever he put his mind to it. Maybe it was habit, or just because they were alone in close proximity, but Rinoa leaned her head onto his shoulder. She felt him shift a bit beneath her as he found a more comfortable sitting position, and then they remained quiet together for several minutes.

Hating to break the provisional peace between them, Rinoa spoke softly. "Today, I was… looking for you. Something strange happened. It almost felt like I was physically thrown backwards when I tried to find you through the… through the bond. It was like someone slapped me and I couldn't go any farther," she explained. She felt Squall tense against her and asked the question that had been nagging at her all day. "Did you do it? Is that what I felt- did you push me out?"

"No, I didn't," Squall replied simply. Although she'd have preferred to look at Squall, Rinoa knew it might be easier for him to talk if she wasn't staring him down, so instead she laced the fingers of her right hand through his left, and nodded against his shoulder to show him that she was still listening. "Rinoa, I know that what I said today was hard to hear. But parts of it were true. Sometimes you just… overwhelm my senses. It's like I can't get a moment to myself, and that's hard. You know, I used to be somewhat of a loner," he added, a hint of playfulness in his voice, before he returned to a more sober tone. "We still don't know exactly how this bond works, be it strong telepathy or simple empathy. I don't know if we'll ever fully master it. But I didn't throw you out. I felt you try the first time, and then you were just gone. It worried me, so the second time I willed myself to help you find me and you did. I don't know why that happened, or why it's never happened before." He squeezed her hand tightly once and then let go as he finally turned so he could see her face.

"I should know," he said, looking her in the eyes. "I'll find out what went wrong, why we didn't connect. It's part of my duty to you, as your knight."

Rinoa looked back at him, and lightly traced the edge of his jaw with her finger. "Squall… would it be so bad if it- the bond- just… went away? Would it be such a tragedy if I wasn't always in your head? If I couldn't always search out your feelings and you weren't constantly being bombarded by mine?"

Squall clasped her trailing hand with his larger one and held it still. "You mean, if we could learn to turn it off?" At Rinoa's nod, he frowned slightly and appeared to fall into deep thought for a moment. With a nod he stood and offered her a hand up. "Alright Rinoa… we can try. Let's see how the other half really lives," he said casually, and only Rinoa could have detected the tone of concern he put into the words. Rinoa gave him a smile of thanks and grasped his hand.

As he easily pulled her to her feet, she stepped on an errant apple that had rolled from her now-forgotten nearby stockpile; and Rinoa felt herself losing her balance as the arm not held by Squall pinwheeled out looking for something on which to gain traction. Squall reacted as quickly as she should have expected, pulling the hand he held toward him and capturing her waist with his other arm.

"Does this mean you're not mad at me anymore?" Rinoa said, their faces only inches apart and an undertone of seduction in her voice. Squall looked down at her, the suggestion of a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. He leaned to kiss her, and just as Rinoa began to get lost in the sensation he abruptly broke contact with her and moved away, heading for the parking lot entrance into Garden.

"Hey!" Rinoa called. "Who's gonna help me clean up all these apples?!" Not looking back at her, Squall waved.

"Dunno, Rin. Guess you're on your own this time," he called.

"And they say chivalry is dead!" Rinoa retorted, punting a fruit and sending it skipping along the asphalt. Squall stopped where he was and turned to look at her.

"Chivalry is for sorceresses and knights. Last time I checked, you were just my girlfriend." In a completely out of character move, he shot her a toothy grin and pivoted, resuming his course for the door.

WHACK. Rinoa's last ammunition hit him in the arm, and although she'd thrown it with a degree of force, Squall didn't turn around again, merely calling the phrase "Domestic abuse!" over his shoulder before he disappeared into the building.

With a sigh, Rinoa stooped to collect a few pieces of produce. Shining one against the khaki fabric of her shorts, she smiled. Tomorrow she and Squall would start work on breaking down the last barrier between them- it was ironic that a barrier to them was actually something that would tie most couples closer together. Soon they would be like Irvine and Selphie, like Zell and his girlfriend, like everyone else under the sun; completely and blissfully unaware of what the other was thinking.

Months later, Rinoa would look back on that night and wonder if everything would have been different if she'd just given it all a little more thought. If she'd just agreed to let Squall figure out what had happened, rather than to sweep it under the rug. She should have known better than to play at normal when in reality she- they- were anything but.

But it was too late now. The wheels were already in motion, the pieces laid out on the chess board. There was nothing left to do but play the hand she'd dealt herself, and hope to Hyne that it was a winning one.