Ezra swallowed hard, jerking the blade from his upper arm. He clenched the small slit for a second before he carefully sheathed his knife in the holder at his ankle. "I'm so sorry, Sam. I'm so sorry. We were winning and he knew it."
"It's not your fault." Sam's voice was blank and unmotivated.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT!" Chalice screamed. "FREAKIN' FREAKS"
An awakening happened inside Sam, bringing him back. He had missed Ezra pulling himself off the ground. It was only when the priest began to approach did he fully focus.
Ezra made his way to Sam and tried to lay a reassuring hand on Sam's shoulder, but the hunter flinched and pulled away before he could touch him.
"Chalice…" Ezra said, even though Sam was sure he didn't hear the young girls name ever. "…It's all over. You should go back to school."
The young woman backed away. When she moved, Sam noticed a glint in her. "Hold on... what…"
"Don't touch me, bucko!"
"I won't hurt you. You're safe now, I swear. But, the thing in your hand…. I hope..."
Her hand jutted out and she now realized she had taken something from her attacker. The memory of the way the strange man had touched her hair inflicted the worse chills and feelings of being violated. She tossed it hard, backed away quickly, stared at Sam for a second, and started to run. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE."
Sam knelt down. His finger grazed the item, hoping it was really what he thought. When his hand cupped over the band that had just once called Dean's wrist its home, he trembled.
"The Sea1" Ezra screamed almost sounding surprised.
"But what do we do with it now."
"Destroy all that is evil, so all that is good may flourish." The priest answered.
-x-x-x-x--
HOURS LATER AT THE REEDEEMBER CHURCH…
"Sam, let me check your bandage. There's some blood."
In truth, the younger Winchester hadn't noticed the pain in his side until now. The mental pain he felt more than eclipsed any physical pain. Since Dean's deal, Sam felt as if his emotions were being drawn and quartered. Everyone had a plan for him, but no one stopped to ask what he wanted. And ever since the trickster made Dean die before his eyes countless times, he didn't want to do much of anything but kill. And at the moment, he didn't really care about Ezra's sorry.
He just felt dead inside except for one obsession- he had to save Dean. Up until the Rider's possession, every case- every hunt- every day was devoted to that. So little time was left, but he was back at Ezra's church waiting for the man to have some holy epiphany or how to get the Rider back to the seal and Dean back to normal.
"It's fine."
"It's not" It was obvious Ezra wasn't going to take no for an answer.
"I should have noticed it hours ago."
He carefully re-dressed the area, giving Sam a nod of approval. "You didn't bust my careful stitching, but take it easy for now. I am sure that demon will show himself again."
"Where?" Sam asked desperately. "Some bar…. A mall... a school. Who else has to die before your God stops it? Who else! Are we just going to sit here and wait?"
"Do you know where Dean is?" His heart was breaking, seeing Sam like this. But young man had to accept this. He had to understand.
"He has less than a month to live! If I save him now, he'll only die then. And sitting on my ass, watching you gather supplies to build some piece of shit church does nothing for him."
Ezra grew quiet and let Sam explode. He merely stared at the escalating angry man before him.
"What the hell has anyone done for Dean?! He has saved countless lives…. Did the right thing time and again to only get smacked in the face for it. What does your God have for him? Is he going to help break this deal? No... Really... you think! He gave us this mission… Bullshit! So Dean gets more pain and you act like his tour guide to hell. Well don't just stand there! ANSWER ME."
The old man closed his eyes, "Son, why do you do this to yourself?"
"WHAT!!" Sam fumed.
"You have to come back to yourself. If you don't soon, the demons will win. You feel the darkness inside. The coldness growing. You are being pushed and Dean is a part of that. Dean is your weakness."
"He is my brother!"
"But you can't protect him forever. You must find a balance of drive, compassion, and warrior inside. And I'm afraid part of that is accepting the powers the demon gave you long ago. They are there. You deny them. The more you stop your true self the more you will lead yourself to darkness. Two years ago, when Dean killed a demon possessed man to save you, how did you feel?"
"Glad, he took care of me and Dad." Sam didn't even think of why Ezra knew about their hunts.
"But you mourned the lost of that life. Yet, you ended the crossroad demon without a single shred of feelings. Why is that?"
"She was evil!"
"The host?"
"Stop it! You're twisting everything!"
"I'm not, but you are. Embrace the darkness, don't let it lead you. You spared that human girl misery of being a demon pawn, but you still should have mourned her passing. But, I have hope. I saw how you reacted when Dean's possessor killed those people. You still have that compassion within you."
Ezra patted Sam's shoulders. At first Sam man tried to shove him off. He didn't deserve comfort, he'd failed and because of him six people had died. But gradually he stopped struggling.
"You, for some strange reason I cannot understand, blame yourself for the deaths of those people in that bar. Neither Sam nor Dean Winchester control the world, but your role is important."
Ezra stood, grabbing his tools as if he started working on rebuilding his church. "The demons have a plan and if you give into it, you are both as good as dead." The sound of his nail gun interrupted his words as he worked on his new pulpit. "Here, some manual labor may help you work out the demons in your head."
Sam took the nail gun in his hand, slamming a few nails as Ezra measured the next board. "It wasn't you that killed those innocents nor was it Dean. It was Rider. Because you didn't stop him, you seem to think it's your fault. It's not, you didn't plan their deaths. Why a man who considers himself intelligent is unable to grasp this simple fact."
"I should have killed..."
"You're not a killer, but the demons are pulling your strings hard. What you are trying to do is give yourself an excuse for not being who you should be. Have you ever told Dean about the strange nights at Stanford when you thought about all the people you didn't save? It was huge part of why you left. And why do you blame yourself for the ones you could have saved if you stayed with your family? Your choice was not wrong or right. You may pretend to not be torn by your two halfs, but you can't straddle that inner fence forever. You have to meld the two and accept all that you are."
"What if I can't..."
"Allow me to help!" A third voice smarted, just before the Rider latched his demonic hands on Sam's skull. Sam dropped his tool and felt a surge within him. "I can get that pesky compassion out."
"Help us, Lord!" Ezra prayed as he ran towards the intruder. "LEAVE THAT CHILD..."
A sudden movement of his hand sent Ezra flying. Dean continued in the Rider's mission to take Sam's peace and leave only the darkness inside to take over.