Secrets Desires & Fears (K-3)
Timing: Shortly after Gemma and Kartik's fight ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 245-247).
"...a boy."
Her words keep ringing in my head, preventing me from sleep. Does she really think of me as only a boy? A boy? I thought I had proven myself more than that, much more. I do not know why, but the idea that she thinks of me as only a boy makes me to want to kick something, hard.
"You're not a man."
She isn't exactly a lady, is she? She bit my hand, surely that would not be a common lady's action of choice. They'd be shocked by just about all of the things she does. Any of the things I do...
"You're their lackey."
Their lackey? I had thought that since they gave me this mission that it proved they trusted my skills, wouldn't it? How can her words be making me think this over? Even if I may be their lackey, I am Rakshana, it is truely a priviledge. It is much more important than just having the job of finding a decent partner and having children, is it not? She has no right to speak.
These are not good signs. Does this mean she is defying me? Defying the Rakshana?
Should I ask for help? No, I musn't. This is my chance to prove myself, I would hate to think of what punishments I might recieve for such a failure.
No, I will gain control of her again. Somehow. I will find a way, by myself.
If only I could find sleep, to put my mind to rest. However it will not. No matter how much I assure myself that Gemma is just a foolish girl, her words keep ringing in my head, trying to lead me to think differently. I hate to admit it, but I'm beginning to consider it.
I must not, I must not believe her. I must regain my hold on her, otherwise she may go into the realms, as I have been told to keep her from doing.
How can she think she knows so much more than me? I am Rakshana! What sources of information does she have? None!
It does puzzle me how she has found out some of the things she now knows though... Does she have a source?
I must look into these things myself. I will not admit that I need help in keeping the girl in line, I will not admit failure. I do not need assistance, I can accomplish my task on my own. I must prove myself worthy of the training the Rakshana has bistoed upon me.
I am not sure why I have softened up to her. There is no possible way I would have let her get away with her little stunt before, yet I just sat there. Even when she talked to me in such a way afterwards, I just let her get away with that, just standing there, stunned.
Is it those eyes of hers? I must admit, they do seem to have a power of their own. I have never seen eyes as bright green. Its almost entrancing...
Enough. I must truely be dorwsy beyond recognision after writing such things. I shall now return to my previous labors of searching for sleep. Her words will eventually fade away, they must at some point. I must forget them completely, they are simply words of a silly girl that will make a silly mistake if I do not find my strong hold on her once again.