Secret Desires & Fears (K-7)

Timing: The night after Pippa's funeral. ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 396-399).

My dreams are not plagued by fearsome creatures and concepts as of late.

I buried the deer, killed by the girls. Its spirit has been put to rest and shall not haunt my thoughts.

I am not sure of what I think of the whole ordeal yet. I still remember all the foolishness I saw before, but I admittedly feel that I have more faith in her since this incident. This makes no sense when I think over all the possibilities that the situation may have led into if she had not been so lucky. Luck, that is what has aided her.

I also remember the look of the light haired girl as they took the life of another, the look of all the girls, pale skin gleaming along with the blood which stained it. It is a frightful memory, one I won't forget in the future.

However, I try not to trouble myself with such thoughts.

The Rakshana will meet with me soon, I am sure of this. I could not be certain if it will be to give me new instructions or to punish me. I fear the latter. I do realize that I have failed my brotherhood by letting her enter the realms under my watch. I have proved worthless on this mission I have been given. I would hope for a chance of redemption. Our brotherhood is not known for forgiveness.

Ms. Cross's death was unfortunate. It is sad such a pretty, young girl should come to such an early grave. She should not have become involved, but I can not change the past. My conscience is clear of guilt for her death, the causes of which are not completely known to me.

I should have been more saddened by her end, she was truly lovely, but these odd feelings towards Ms. Doyle continue.

I have seen what her ignorance has caused. I see she is foolish and headstrong. Yet still I sometimes wake from dreams of her jade eyes on me, my skin hot for reasons I can not begin to rationalize. I have however seen the disturbing lust in her eyes for what she finds in the realms. It is a weakness, but after seeing all the realms have caused first hand in the days that have passed, her unnatural power frightens me. I am not convinced she should be the one to weild it.

I now know she was not involved in the attempted sacrifice in the woods. In fact, I should thank her for my escape from the greed consumed girls. I can not guess why she spoke up for me then. Her hands are still stained though, never clean. I am not much better, my hands will never be completely clean either. Dark deeds have bound our fates and we may never be truly innocent again in this sense.

In the lingering days I have fallen idle, but I stay alert. Winter comes and I must be ready for what is asked of me next, whatever it may be, but I relish the peace between the strikes of thunder.

Will the Rakshana cast me off for such a disgrace? Do they have another task for me which I may redeem myself to them by completing? I can do no more to help or hurt my case. I must simply wait paitently for when I shall be called upon.

This is not the end of our troubles. A new storm is gathering, promising to be rougher than the first.