Sirius Notices
He looks into the glass windows of the bakery, and finds the reflection of a twenty-year-old man staring back at him. The Christmas lights around the windows flicker, and illuminate the young man's handsome face with green, red, and yellow. He sees himself clearly in the window, because the bakery is dark, much like the village itself. Except for the brightly flashing lights hung up on all the shops, the village is dark and deserted on the night before Christmas.
Sirius sees it every time he looks at himself. It is like a curse that is his constant companion. He looks past the gray eyes and the dark hair, and sees only loneliness.
He looks away from the window, feeling betrayed by his own reflection. His own reflection has broken his resolve and composure, reminding him of the one thing that he doesn't want to dwell on – family.
Family – Sirius laughs out loud. It is not a youthful, carefree laugh, but one filled with remorse and slight hints of hatred. It is a bark, and his voice echoes eerily in the village square.
As he walks away from the window, and his wretched reflection, Sirius wonders why the one thing he didn't have was now haunting him. He wonders why he just couldn't be left alone, which is ironic because he is alone, being family-less and all.
Snow falls steadily, covering the narrow lane he is walking down. It flecks Sirius' black hair and his heavy trench coat. He tightens the scarf around his neck, and digs his hands deeper into the pockets of the coat. As he passes some small cottages, he still remembers the day he left the Black household for good…
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It is the summer holidays after his fifth year, and he figures he has had enough; enough of all the pureblood crap his parents have been trying to engrain into his brain; enough of his damn bigoted family. Anymore of this, and Sirius is going to go crazy. He is sixteen, and practically, an adult. So, he opens his school trunk, and throws into it everything he owns. On the walls of his room, he leaves behind the Gryffindor banners, pictures of Muggle motorcycles he'd found at a London store, posters of some Muggle girls in bikinis, and a picture of him with his friends. And he is satisfied with leaving them behind, because he knows that they would annoy his parents.
When he drags the trunk down the stairs, his mother yells all sorts of things at Sirius. "IF YOU STEP OUT OF THIS HOUSE, YOU'LL BE DISOWNED!"
Sirius has to laugh at this one. "Well, I wondered when you would give me the good news – been waiting for that one my entire life."
"OH, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A SON LIKE YOU? SHAME OF MY FLESH! BLOOD TRAITOR!"
And Sirius leaves, his mother's yells still echoing in his ears when he is out of the house. He has his wand out, just in case his parents use magic to restrain him from going. And even though he has walked out, closing that door behind him forever, he has no idea where he is heading. He crosses out the possibility of getting his own place, as he is still underage, even if he does have that money Uncle Alphard has left for him. The second natural choice is James. And he just knows that James would take him in without any questions, and he also knows that James' parents like him very much.
But even as he heads towards James' place, where he knows he will be more than happy, he feels an ache. An ache for family… not exactly his family, but a family he could call his own – a family he could be proud of.
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And now, as he proceeds on to his destination on this Christmas Eve, he wonders if he is better off without a family. But then, he remembers his reflection, and knows that he is lying to himself. And with a pang, he realizes that he has been lying to himself a lot…
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The wedding is held on a beautiful summer evening. Sirius stands next to a nervous James. He puts his hands on James' shoulders, and says grinning, "Prongs, you are fiddling with your hair again – you know your hair is already a mess, mate. Mess with it more, and you'll look like you got married while flying on your broomstick."
When Lily walks gracefully down the aisle in a simple white gown, her auburn hair falling elegantly on her shoulders, James immediately stops assaulting his hair, his face brightening up.
And as his best friend says his wedding vows to the love of his life, Sirius finds his eyes wandering over to the family and friends of the couple. His gaze settles on a brown haired girl sitting in the front row. Dorcas. He tells himself to turn away even as her eyes meet his. He wants to keep looking at her. He wants to tell her that he is sorry for the mess that they have created out of their relationship, and that this is for the best. But he won't. He won't, because if he talked to her again, he is not sure if he'd be able to keep his composure. When there is clapping, they are both startled out of their reverie. Sirius half-heartedly turns back to the bride and the groom, but he can't help but chuckle when he sees James lifting Lily off the floor with one arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders.
"Hello, Lily Potter." James whispers, and kisses Lily like his life depended on it.
A few minutes later, the center area under the tent is cleared for dancing, and James and Lily dance to the first slow song. Sirius watches, sipping wine from his glass, a smile playing at his lips. He still distinctly remembers those days when Lily hated the guy's guts, and now, here they are, in love and married. But then again, maybe she never really hated him… Sirius sighs – women. He never did understand them. And his eyes wander over to Dorcas again. She is dancing with some bloke in turquoise robes. Sirius snorts out loud, causing some old man standing next to him to give Sirius a look. What kind of an idiot wears turquoise robes? Sirius wonders.
When the slow song ends, he walks over to Lily and James. "May I cut in?"
James rolls his eyes and says, "Alright, alright, but find your own girl for the next one, Padfoot."
"Lily, why did you marry this jealous and insecure man?" Sirius asks. "How about you marry me next weekend and be the wife of a handsome young man?"
Lily laughs, while James gives Sirius a blow to his head. "I would love to, Sirius, except I'm pretty sure it's illegal to have two husbands."
"Oh, just divorce him, it's that easy." Sirius says, diving and avoiding another blow from James. "OK, Prongs, fine, you can have your wife after this one dance."
When they dance to another slow number, Sirius asks Lily, "So, how does it feel like, being married to James?"
"Crazy… and lovely…and just right…" she says smiling, looking up at him.
"I understand the crazy part." Sirius says grinning. "But the 'lovely' and 'just right'? Not so much."
"No, I suppose you don't," Lily says, and then they dance quietly for a moment. Turning his head a bit to his right, Sirius finds Dorcas again. She is still dancing with the turquoise bloke, and when she catches Sirius looking this time, she quickly averts her eyes.
Sirius is startled when he hears Lily say, "You should talk to her, you know."
He looks down to find Lily looking at him, worried.
"Talk to Dorcas, Sirius."
"About what?" He decides to play dumb.
"Sirius," Lily says rather sternly. "Don't do this – to yourself or Dorcas."
"Have you seen Remus?" He asks, looking around and avoiding Lily's accusing emerald eyes. "Haven't seen him since before the wedding ceremony."
"He's over at the drinks table, talking to James," she says, looking at Sirius pointedly. "Sirius, you're avoiding it…please, talk to me."
He remains silent.
"She is my best friend, Sirius, I won't let you do this to her." She says fiercely. And when he doesn't respond, she pleads, "She – she, God, she loves you, Sirius."
His heart feels clenched. She loves you.
"And I know you love her," Lily says, searching his face and finding her answer when his jaw clenches. "Then what is the problem?"
A moment later, he says softly, "I want a family with her. I do, Lily…I want what you and James have…" he struggles with himself for a second. "But, this is a war! A war. I want to wait until it ends to have that family."
"And what about James and I? We got married, didn't we? You think we're crazy?"
"You guys are different." He says offhandedly. "This thing with you and James has been going on forever," he smiles. "We were all getting sort of fed up with you hating on James…"
"Sirius – "
"No, Lily," he says, tired. "No one must know that I love her." When she starts to protest, he says, "At least for now… I am a pureblood… and Dorcas is a muggleborn. My whole family is on Voldemort's side. If the Death Eaters get a whiff of this, I don't know what they'll do." The song ends, and Sirius lets go of Lily. "Our secret." When she nods reluctantly, he drops a kiss on her forehead and walks away, all the while lying to himself… I don't need a family to help me get through this war…
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Now, he reaches his destination – the cottage on the far end of the lane. He opens the gate, and walks up the lane, his feet sinking into the fluffy snow. Inside the window next to the front door he sees a grandly decorated Christmas tree. He is about to raise his right knuckle to knock on the wooden door, when it bangs open. A woman with a toddler resting on her hips comes forward, and pulls him inside.
"Sirius! Oh, thank God, you're here!" she says feverishly. "James!" she yells. "He's here!"
A man with round, wire-rimmed glasses, and extremely messy hair comes rushing into the foyer. He sees Sirius, and exclaims, "Padfoot!"
Lily leads him into the living room, and lets him sit on the sofa. He looks at her, and she at him. "Oh, Sirius," she finally whispers, tears filling up in her eyes. She squeezes his hand. "We heard about Dorcas… I can't believe it…"
"I'm so sorry, mate," James says, coming forward and placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder. The room grows silent, except for baby Harry cooing in his mother's arms. Sirius takes Harry from Lily, and bounces him on his knees. Harry giggles, leaning forward and grabbing onto his Godfather's hair.
When Sirius turns to glance out of the window, he sees it. He sees a reflection – of himself, sitting on a sofa; of Lily, sitting on the rug in front of him, and looking at him tearfully; of James, standing next to his wife, his hand resting on his best friend's shoulder; and of Harry, sitting on his Godfather's lap, happily cooing.
And he notices it – finally. It strikes him suddenly, and he feels like a fool for not knowing it already. But he is suddenly happier… he is lonely no more. And he realizes that he must have known this. Somewhere inside, he always did know this. All it took was for him to finally notice it.
This is his family. This will always be his family.
He looks up at his best friend and brother, for whom Sirius would die in a heartbeat. He smiles through the tears that have formed in his eyes, and says to James, "You're my family."
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Note: Sirius, somehow, was the hardest character to write about. He is so complicated and mysterious. Well, anyway, I love him, and I wanted to do justice to his great character. So, this was my attempt. It is the longest chapter (Seriously, there's so much you can say about him), and I would love to hear what you have to say about it.
Thanks again for the wonderful reviews! I love them.