Remus Notices

When he gets hit with the curse, the green light flashes like a lightening in his eyes. And he sees in front him his entire life. What a cliché it was, seeing one's life flash in front him in that crucial moment. And even though Remus' life is anything but clichéd, this one moment is an exception.

The flash is only a split second long in reality, but for Remus it feels like eternity. As he sees it, he also realizes something. Coward. He has been a coward his whole life. Who would've thought that Remus Lupin – Order of the Phoenix member, ex-Marauder, Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher – was a coward? Impossible.

But he thinks that he has known this all his life. Somewhere deep down, he has always known that he was a coward. A bloody coward. It is just that now, moments away from crossing over to the other world, he notices his cowardice clearly.

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Fifth year at Hogwarts…

"Snivellus." Sirius says with a sort of malicious glint in his eyes – the sort of glint he especially reserves for his family, Voldemort, and Snape.

James grins slowly – a hint of mischief is mixed with the malice in his eyes. Remus notices that for James everything is a sort of fun experience. James hated Snape, too. No question about that. You could even say that James hated Snape more than Sirius ever could (the reason, of course, being the fair lady with the auburn hair). But, James was definitely more easy-going than Sirius. Sirius was hard-core. He hated and loved with extreme passion. James was hard-core too, but he saw the fun in everything. James loathed, despised, detested Snape – but, hey, what's the harm in finding the fun in torturing Snape?

The four of them are sitting on the couch near the fireplace in the Gryffindor Common room. Sirius and James are plotting, yet again, against Snape. Peter sits obediently, nodding enthusiastically to everything Sirius and James are saying.

Remus wants none of it. He wants to be studying in his room for the Potions final. He is sick. He is sick of this game. He is tired of playing these silly, immature pranks that James and Sirius insist on planning every other day.

"The moment that git comes down the stairs and into the Great Hall," James is saying now, sitting forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, the fingers of his left hand tapping against the fingers of his right. The expression on his face can only be described as a seven-year-old kid's while opening a Christmas gift. "We do the transfiguration charm, and Snivellus's greasy clothes become Frank Longbottom's mother's clothing – complete with the 

vulture hat!" He punches the air with his fists and chuckles. Sirius claps him on the back and says laughing –

"That is simply the best plan I've heard in ages, mate!"

Peter agrees. No surprises there.

Remus wants to yell that he has nothing against Snape. He wants to say that this is wrong. And, as a Prefect, he has complete authority over his friends. He has the power to go against their wishes. He has the power to take points away from their house. He has the power to tell on them to McGonagall. But, does he? Does he really have the power?

Yes, as a Prefect, he does. But, what about as a friend? As their friend, could he disagree with James and Sirius? He knows that James could disagree with Sirius, Remus, or Peter, and they would just accept it. Sirius could disagree with James, Remus, or Peter, and they would accept that, too. Peter never disagreed with James or Sirius, and there was no argument there. But Remus, he wants to go against James and Sirius. But he can't, because he is not James or Sirius. He is Remus.

He is afraid. He is scared that his disagreement with them would anger them. He doesn't want to lose them as his friends. His only true friends. He thinks back to the time when they found out about him being a werewolf. There was a moment when James had stared at him, and then he had asked him how it had happened. Remus had told him about Fenrir Greyback. The next day, James had come running into their room and told Remus about his plans for turning into an Animagus. Remus had been confused then. He had asked James why he wanted to become an Animagus.

"We could keep you company – Sirius, Peter and I – we could be with you when you have your transformations." James had said so matter-of-factly, his voice confident as ever. And right then, he had seen it – seen James' loyalty. Tears had prickled Remus' eyes then, and he had turned away abruptly and wiped his eyes, embarrassed.

Now when he thinks about that day, he knows that he can't disagree with his friends. No matter how uneasy he feels about Snape being tortured by them, Remus cannot stop his friends.

He is a coward.

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Remus sits at a far corner in the Leaky Cauldron, a glass of firewhiskey sitting in front of him on the dusty counter. He takes a sip and frowns as the liquid burns his throat. He is supposed to meet Tonks here in a few minutes. They are supposed to go to the Order of the Phoenix headquarters together to check on Harry…



Tonks… Sirius' cousin's daughter. Tonks, who was at least fifteen years younger than Remus. Tonks, who was bright and happy. Tonks, who Remus had seen as a small girl in his teenage years.

He was in love with Tonks?

He didn't know how he could react to this realization. Remus was old. He already had gray hair, for Merlin's sake! He was a bitter old man, who also happened to be a werewolf! Wow, what woman could resist an old werewolf? Remus thinks bitterly to himself.

He wonders how he could have let himself do this. But he knows that he couldn't have stopped himself from falling for Tonks. She was everything he wasn't – childish, youthful, carefree… He laughs out loud. Clumsy. She was always knocking things over. And Merlin, he loved her for that. He loved her for being so completely chaotic. Every drink that she spilled, every vase that she shattered, every heirloom that she broke made him love her more and more.

So, he wants to tell her. It doesn't matter how she reacts, Remus thinks. And then he sighs. Of course it matters how she reacts. He imagines her looking repulsed at the sight of him… he imagines her disbelief… he imagines her laughing at him… When he imagines these things he feels his heart being ripped into pieces.

He realizes that it does matter to him.

When moments later she walks up to him, trips over the chair's leg, and promptly spills Remus' drink all over the counter, she groans, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Remus! I've done it again…" She pulls out the chair next to him and sits down. "Let me buy you another one."

Remus smiles despite himself. There she goes again…

"Nah, I was done anyway." He says. He really wants to tell her. He wants to tell her that she could spill all the drinks she wanted to, and he would love her all the more for it. He wants to tell her that she is the reason why he smiles so often nowadays. But he doesn't tell her. He doesn't tell her, because he is scared of her reaction.

More importantly, he doesn't tell her because he is scared to hear that she felt the same way… he is scared to hear that she loved him too…

Yes, he is terrified of seeing her repulsed at the idea of being with him. But, if somehow (miraculously) she wasn't repulsed by him, did he want her to love him back? Did he want her to spend the rest of her life with the likes of him? A werewolf?

No. He didn't. He could picture the sort of life they would live… and it wasn't about him. It was about Tonks. Tonks could never be happy with him. She was a free spirit. She was like a child sometimes. How could Remus expect her to be with him? How could he expect her to put up with 

him on full moon days? How could he be selfish and cruel enough to subject her to such a terrible life? Remus was not the family guy. He was far from it. He wasn't like James, who knew that he wanted a family when he was seventeen. He wasn't even like Sirius, who wanted a family someday, if not when he was seventeen. Remus, on the other hand, never thought about it… not until now anyway. You see, Remus felt that 'family' and 'werewolf' were not to be mixed.

He looks at her now. She is talking animatedly to the bartender about something. Looking at her now, he decides that he won't do it. He won't tell her. Because either way, whether she accepted him or rejected him, he would be hurting her.

He doesn't want to be selfish.

But, by being selfless, he is being a coward.

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She is pregnant?

Pregnant. Tonks. Baby. His.

He stares at his wife, happiness and regret filling his heart and soul. Initially, there is pure happiness. But when the news settles down in his mind, the regret starts rushing in like tidal waves. The one thing that Remus was most afraid of was now becoming reality.

Tonks, who had confronted Remus with a big grin on her face, is now looking at him, worried. When a moment later he still hasn't said anything, she is scared. Her heart fills with dread.

"Remus?" she asks tentatively. He turns away. She walks forward, and wraps her arms around his torso. She whispers into his back, "Say something, Remus. You're scaring me."

"I'm going to go check on Harry at the Grimmauld Place." Remus says, pulling away from Tonks, his voice flat and emotionless.

When he leaves Tonks standing in their living room, her eyes filling with tears, he feels broken.

A baby. His baby.

He wonders if they (Tonks and their unborn child) will be better off without him. He should leave them.

Leaving – If this wasn't cowardice, then what was?

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Remus sees these events in his mind. He is so ashamed. How could he have even thought of leaving Tonks and Teddy?

The Death Eater who had hit him with the killing curse is now watching Remus fall. There is a scream to his left, and Remus tilts his head to the left just a little and finds Tonks, her body falling too. Remus reaches out and grabs onto Tonks' arm. They fall simultaneously.

When Remus' eyes can no longer stay open, his fingers are still wrapped around Tonks' arm.

But before crossing over to the other world, Remus realizes something else – even though he had thought of leaving his family, he hadn't really done it. He had gone back to them. He had seen his son being born. He was here with Tonks now – dying with her – and Remus realizes that that has to count for something.

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Hello everyone,

I apologize for this late update. Anyway, this is Remus. Please let me know how this was :)

Again, thank you for reviewing, guys! They motivate me to write more and more.

Keep reviewing :)

Cordelia