A/N:
This is my second attempt at writing this chapter.
The first attempt sucked…
Chapter Three: For The Love Of God, Ryuuzaki!
-
I decided to corrupt the local brothel.
-
"I thought you said there were no brothels around here."
"I said there were no women's clubs. There's a difference."
"How am I supposed to get wiff da ladayz?"
"Ryuk, no one can see you apart from Misa and myself. You should just sneak into people's houses and watch them undress."
"… WOW! GOOD IDEA!"
-
My little Ryukie.
He's evolving!
Evolving like a Polaroid Pika!
-
When I can't stop fiddlin'
I just takes me Ritalin,
I'm poppin' and sailin' man!
(honk honk)
-
"I didn't know you took drugs, Raito!"
"There's a lot of things you don't know about me."
"Like what? WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING FROM ME!"
"… Maybe I'm a dragon."
"…"
-
The script called for me to say 'lion'… but I put a little twist on an old favourite.
-
I'm in the business of misery.
What? It's true.
Whores may look happy, but they're just not, okay?
-
THEY'RE JUST NOT.
-
"Puff Daddy Raito?"
"Yes?"
"I made 84 dollars tonight."
"That's a good girl. Now get on your knees and open wide."
"Yes master."
-
Why can't Misa be that cool?
Damn!
-
L likes to scare me in public places in an attempt to make me give away that I'm Kira.
Last weekend, I was getting a coffee at Starbucks, right?
And he comes up behind me… I didn't even notice him!
He whispers softly in my ear, "Kira desu."
-
I can tell you now, it felt damn good on my neck.
I think he gave me a slight erection.
-
"I WALK AROUND TOWN WITH A STARK ERECTION!"
"I GAVE YOUR MOM A YEAST INFECTION!"
"We're such playaz."
"Tell me about it…"
-
Stupid hallucinating bastard.
Any minute now HE'LL start killing people.
-
"I highly doubt that, Yagami-san."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"ENGAGE THRUSTING SEQUENCE! READY LIQUID LAUNCHERS! GO, GO, GO!"
"For the love of God, Ryuuzaki!"
-
He needs to start taking his medication again. And lay off the sugar cubes.
I mean, it makes him taste like Ryuk only sweeter, but there's a certain extent a guy and alter his cum, okay?!
THE LORD DID NOT INTEND FOR SUCH ALTERNATIONS IN HIS BABY-MAKING LIQUID!
-
Does this mean I have to have children with Misa?
-
"Have children with Misa, or die!"
"Look, Rem, I understand you're in love with her, but you can't go around forcing me to perform the erotic act of intercourse with her just because you can't!"
"I'LL DO AS I PLEASE!"
"Yeah, well… maybe you're a voyeur. And I'm a dragon."
"…"
-
Why did I even ask in the first place…
-
It's the plainest situation!
There's no negotiation!
With the fella's at the freakin' FCC!
-
They cancelled Death Note, let me put it to you that way.
-
"NOOOOOOO!11!!!1!1!11!oneone!!!!one!111!11rageoftheone!!11"
"Yes."
'NOOOOOOOOOOO!1!!!1111!1!1!!!11!!ONE!"
"… Yes."
"NNNNOOOOOO11121!1!!11!11--!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"
-
I think that'll be my new catchphrase.
In every chapter, I'll say it at least eighty-four times.
-
"So, all in all, I earn a dollar each time you say it?"
"Pretty much… keep sucking, babe. I didn't tell you to stop."
"Okay… sorry…"
-
Whores.
When will they learn?
-
Apparently, they had to cancel the show because so many depressed, over-weight, friendless teenagers were trying to kill their enemies with regular, loose-leaf paper.
HOW DARE THEY BRING SHAME TO THE NAME KIRA!
-
"… (sips coffee) …"
"Why does it bother you so much, Kira? (seductive whisper)"
"(spits coffee everywhere)… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"
-
I have a pen-pal.
His name is Teru.
I write him letters.
He says, for me, he feels rabu.
-
In case you didn't realise, Teru is some psychotic homeless man who adores my throbbing manhood and rabu is how Japanese people say 'love'.
It's a sick and twisted world, my friends.
-
"I'm not homeless… I'm a lawyer…"
"Is that how it is, Teru? Or is it that you're LIKE a lawyer with the way you're always trying to get me off?"
"W-Well…"
"I don't think you have much of a defense, dude. Your hand is massaging my cock right now. Seriously, Teru, stop it."
"S-Sorry…"
-
Sometimes…
I just…
WISH I WERE A DRAGON.
-
Puff Daddy Raito the Magic Dragon!
Lived By The SEA…men.
HA!
-
"You're lame."
"I've got fame."
"And a nice dame."
"Wame."
"…"
-
Testicles.
They hurt if you squeeze them too hard.
-
"Why am I so stupid, Raito? I'm so sorry… your poor testicles…"
"It's okay, Misa. I forgive you. You're only woman, after all."
"Oh, thank-you so much, I couldn't ever—HEY!"
"Hm?"
"What does being a woman have to do with ANYTHING!"
"Well, duh. You don't have a dick. You don't know what it feels like."
"… Oh, true …"
-
Silly, misunderstood girl.
SILLY AND MISUNDERSTOOD!
-
"… Excuse me, Kira?"
"Yes?"
"Gotcha…"
"Oh… OH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"
-
And that's the end of that chapter.
(flicks scarf)