A/N:
I haven't been around in a long time, have I?
I've been sick.
And by sick, I mean, REALLY sick.
Either way, here's a chapter I've been working on since ten minutes ago.
Chapter Five: Kira'd Away, Because Spirits Are Gay
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It was get-together night at the office.
L insists on these things because he thinks they bring us closer as colleagues.
He likes to be able to interact with the task force as friends, not just as one of his helpers.
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"Six o'clock, you say? Why, I'd love to!"
"Um, L… we didn't say anything."
"I'll bring the movies and the popcorn, don't worry. It'll be ever-so fun!"
"But L, we didn't agree to-"
"See you at my apartment! Teehee!"
"Damn diabetes suffering maniac…"
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After all that, I was asked to bring popcorn.
So off I went.
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"Raito, I really don't think-"
"Hush Ryuk! You don't think at all."
"I have a brain, Light."
"That may be the case, but— WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"
"Well, that's your name, isn't it?"
"Of course it isn't, you lazy, new-age, Simple Plan-listening, emo hippy."
"… That hurt, Raito. It really did."
-
Stupid Ryuk and is made up emotions.
He would know emotion if Celine Dion sung the Titanic song in his ear.
Does Ryuk even HAVE ears?
-
So, there I was, buying popcorn like I was anyone's slave, when suddenly! From the bushes!
"YOOOOOOU'RE HEEEERE! THERE'S NOOOOTHING I FEAR! AND I KNOOOW-"
"Misa! I told you to stay in your house!"
"BUT I'M HEEEERE IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR HEART WILL GO OOOON AND OOOOOON!"
"Get out of my sight."
"I'm not in your sight, silly little Light! I'm in the bushes!"
"Can't you go and discuss making a lesbian porno with Rem, or something?"
"ANYTHING FOR YOU, LIIIIGHT!"
"Would everyone stop calling me that? Geez Louise…"
"WHO IS THE LOUISE GIRL, LIGHT? HUH? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH LOUISE!"
"… My God, Misa. Go home before you make anymore of a fool of yourself."
-
And with that, I took my seventeen buckets of popcorn to L's apartment.
-
"Hey Raito, we better hurry up."
"Is it that time already? Six o'clock came quicker than I thought…"
"That's not the first time I heard someone say that."
"… What?"
"Does 'Oh Raito… um… you came quicker than I thought…' ring a bell?"
"Don't go there, Ryuk."
"How about 'Raito, four minutes isn't very long…', does that ring any bells?"
"Ryuk! I said don't!"
"RAITO'S ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO CUM… the world…"
"… Holy shit, that was pathetic."
"Oh God, you're right. I'm sorry…"
-
We arrived 37 seconds late.
Apparently, Watari had been timing.
Needless to say, L wasn't impressed.
-
"I specifically said six o'clock. With popcorn. It's now six thirty-seven and you have less popcorn than requested!"
"What do you mean? I brought all seventeen buckets!"
"That bucket is missing roughly ten pieces from it."
"…"
"The chances of you being Kira just went up one percent."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"
-
What is WRONG with that kid?
Or… well… child-like adult.
-
Anyway, L informed us that we'd be watching Spirited Away, a movie he'd rented by accident while looking for Charlie's Angels Full Throttle.
How can you mistake them? I don't know…
-
The news that we'd be watching an anime with a lost and lonely prepubescent girl had Matsuda jumping for joy.
I thought he was going to rip his pants off and start jerkin' the gherkin right there and then!
-
"You'd like that, wouldn't you Raito?"
"Yes. Yes I would."
-
I'm such a Matsuda skank.
-
After Dad had restrained the cop-in-training, L handed out the snacks to each person before hogging eleven entire jumbo buckets of popcorn to his diabetic self.
Fucking pig.
-
"What did you just call me?"
"What? I didn't say anything, Ryuuzaki."
"I distinctly remember you calling me a 'flying pig'."
"… I said fucking."
"Gotcha."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"
"Another percent has been added to you being Kira."
"I hate you, oh, how I hate you…"
-
While watching this kids movie, with L sucking his thumb, Matsuda groaning and making rapid hand movements beside me, Mogi drooling, Watari trying to talk to L and being shooed away, Aizawa ruffling his afro and Ukita reminding people he existed, Ryuk and I discussed Kiraism.
-
"Oi, Aizawa…"
"What is it Mogi? My hair is important too, you know."
"Uh duuhhhh… what's Matsuda doin'?"
"He's er… rubbing his leg."
"But why's he makin' dem funny sounds?"
"It's his third leg."
"…"
-
… Um …
Moving on.
-
"This movie speaks to me, Ryuk. Spirited away, that's a nice term, isn't it?"
"What are you getting at?"
"Instead of simply murdering people we don't like, why don't we… Kira them away?"
"You mean, like…"
"Yes! Kira'd Away!"
-
Oh Raito, you're a genius.
A pure genius.
-
"Welcome to Sakura TV News. In local news, four people were Kira'd Away today, all linked to Saddam Hussein. This just goes to show that Kira says NO to terrorism."
"But, when you think of it… Kira is sort of a terrorist, isn't he? I mean, he kills for no good reason and targets just about—ARRGHH! MY… MY…!"
"WHAT IS IT, NEW REPORTER NUMBER TWO?"
"MY HEEEAAARRRTTTTT…"
"He's having a heart attack! Someone get a medic on set!"
"MY HEART… WILL GOOOO OOOOONNNN AND OOOOONNNN!"
"…"
-
Betcha didn't see THAT coming.
-
A few moments later, L was on the phone.
-
"Hey Kira, that was great."
"Oh, thanks. I'm really into this new 'Kira'd Away' thing. I reckon it's awesome."
"Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Kira'd Away is much better than Spirited Away."
"Oh, for sure. Spirited away is SOOOO last week."
"Kira'd Away, because spirits are gay! Ha!"
"Hahaha…"
"Hey, um, who is this?"
"L."
"…"
"…"
"… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI."
-
I better get out of here before that diabetic whore comes a-knockin' at my door.
-
A/N:
And there you have it.
After months of waiting... that.
D: