Chapter 2: "Chris, With A Knife, In Meg's Room"
"Chris, honey, mommy was wondering if you could shut the hell up so she'll have something more to show for the last 17 years of her life other than a baggy uterus and Marlon Brando hips."
"Now Lois, I'm sure if Chris is innocent he'll put all our worries to rest with the nest words out of his mouth," says Joe.
"I killed her because she called me a lardo!" he says with wide eyes while doing a stabbing motion.
"And there went that opportunity."
"My mom told me to move on and be the better man, but knifing her felt so much better, and now the evil monkey has his own room. A two- fer!"
Joe comments, "Not everyone's cut out for the Better Man business anyway. Describe to us what you did."
"Well, I went up to my room to masturbate..."
"Chris!" shouts Lois.
The harpist next door plays.
Chris sits in his room, frustrated.
Chris' voice goes over the scene, "But she kept yakking & yakking on that damn phone..."
Chris looks at a woman's magazine, "Oh, miss Catherine Zeta-Jones, there's only one way for us to spend quality time together."
Chris' voiceover: "So I went and tried her door, but it was locked."
As Chris tries the doorknob, Stewie darts by and into the bathroom.
"Where'd you get the knife?" asks Joe.
"I got it from the kitchen to protect myself against the evil monkey."
Chris walks away from Meg's door.
"A likely story," comments Peter.
"Peter, quiet! And then what happened, Chris?"
"Well, then I went back to my room and realized Jennifer Aniston was also in the magazine; a picture of her boobies from some deleted movie scene leaked online last year -- they were hot."
"Ahhh ... I remember back in my day it was the Sears catalogue," reminisces Joe.
"Well, I was just about to take care of business -- if you know what I mean..."
"Yes, Chris -- we know what you mean. Looks like I'm gonna have to cancel my subscription to Cosmopolitan."
"When suddenly I heard her screaming," Chris continues.
"And what did you do?" asks Joe.
Chris twiddles his thumbs, "Well, I'm kind of iffy on that..."
Chris runs in and as he stabs Meg in the mouth, yells, "Shut up!!"
As Chris enters his room, Stewie exits the bathroom right, and quickly into Peter & Lois' bedroom.
Cut to Joe rubbing his chin, "Interesting. Well, that rules you out as the first person to stab her. I appreciate your honesty. On the stabbing part; not the monkey spanking bits."
"You're welcome Joe. Hey -- who's up for a game of Life?"
"How deeply inappropriate. Well, Brian, that just leaves three of you. Did you stab her first? A simple 'Yes' or 'No' will suffice."
"Well, I was just exiting the bathroom..."
Brian steps out of the bathroom and stops looking in to say, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Brian's voiceover: "When I heard Chris walking to his door, so I ran and hid in Stewie's room. She was already whining and yelling when Chris entered and stabbed her."
"Then what happened? If I had a nickel for every time I said that..." comments Joe.
"So I waited for him to leave..."
Chris walks out of Meg's room, looking frustrated and shaking his fists. When his door closes, Stewie's door opens and Brian's head pops out. He looks both ways, then races into Meg's room.
Meg crawls across the bedroom floor with a trail of blood leading behind her. She looks up at Brian.
As she attempts to speak with the knife jammed in her mouth, blood spurts out, "Iryon, heulp wee."
Brian's voiceover: "Just then I heard footsteps approaching the top of the stairs..."
Stewie dashes by and into his room. A shadow casts upon the top step.
"So I cracked the closet door open to get a better view."
Joe's voiceover: "And?"
Brian's voiceover: "And that's when I saw Peter enter the room."
Peter walks in casually, stabs her in the back, says a few words, then leaves the room. He suddenly runs back in and hides in the closet with Brian. Ten second later Brian comes out, looks at the door, then sticks the knife into her back non-chalantly and goes back into the closet.
Five second later he comes back out and twists the knife while saying, "That's for the viewers," and goes back into the closet.
Brian's voiceover: "And that's the whole grizzly tale. Come to think of it, now that I look back on this ... it wasn't that bad."
Joe speaks, "So Chris stabbed her second, you stabbed her fourth and Peter stabbed her third ... that only leaves one other person: Lois."
They all gasp.
Lois goes wide-eyed, then looks around while grinning.