Chapter 3: "Lois, In the Bathroom, With A Knife"

Ding dong! The doorbell rings.
"Just a second. I hate to leave you all in sus-" Joe suddenly wheels off to the front door.
Lois comments while the family looks at her, "Don't you all give me that look; you all stabbed her too."
"If I had known we were going to kill her later on, I'd have worn a condom and spared those few inches from your waist."
"Oh, hey Rick," says Joe to the man who has entered.
"Hey, Joe," says the white guy dressed in EMC attire, "where's the body?"
"Upstairs."
"Which room?"
"The one with the dead body."
They stay fixed, looking at each other solemnly for ten seconds.
"Nah, I'm just kidding. Bathroom, top middle, left."
"Shouldn't take long" says Rick as he heads for the stairs.
"Thanks," wheels back, "ah, where were we?"
"She did it," Peter points a finger at her from his unraised left hand.
Lois comments lowly, "So help me I will break that finger."
Stewie's ear perk up, "Oh -- Lois. Tell us more about what bodily manglings you would do onto the fat man."
"Why'd you do it?" Joe asks her.
"I thought in-between washing the cloths and dinner I could go up there and stab my little darling. I read a book on how to do it quick and harmless."
"That's not really a reason, so much as a sign of being psychotic."
"Psychotic people reason," Lois rebucks.
"Touché. Now wait just a minute ... Brian was up there, Peter was up there and now Lois. Brian, tell me again how it happened."
"Like I said, I went upstairs to stab Meg. I hide in Lois' room after hearing someone come up..."

Brian closes the door quickly and listens at it. He then goes to the telephone and picks up the receiver to listen in on Megan.
She speaks, "...but that's not all! So later Debbie Miller and I went to get some ice cream and..." he hangs up the phone.
He sees a basket of dirty clothing at the front door. He picks out a pair of Lois' used underwear and sniffs it heavily, "Aaaggghhhh..."

"What were you doing then?" asks Joe.
"Nothing," Brian blurts out.
"So then what?"

"Then I heard Meg scream. I figured I'd look out of the place in Lois' bedroom, so I dashed into the bathroom and hide in the shower."
"And since you said earlier Chris was up there, that makes you the second person up. We're narrowing it down ... so then what happened?"
"Then Stewie entered the bathroom..."
Stewie hops in the shower after whisking the curtain open.
"Oh-" says Stewie, surprised.
"Hey, I..." Brian comments.
"So."
"So."
"What'cha doing in here?"
"what are you doing in here?"
"Nothing."
"As well I," replies Brian.
"Good. Then we're both doing nothing," Stewie comments.
"Yes."
"In the shower."
"Right."
"With no running water."
"Un hum."
"While Meg screams out in bloody murder."
"Correct."
"And, ah ... we're not going to do anything about that, eh?"
"We could turn the ventilator fan on," Brian suggests.
"Okay..."
They stand there silent.
"So, how about those Bears?" says Brian.
"Yeah ... not so much into sports; more of a film score guy."
"Well, I will finish this shower later," steps out.
"Hold on."
"What?"
"You wouldn't wanna ... say ... maybe take a shower together. You know -- help you reach all those hard-to-reach places. Just an idea. Nothing erotic. Here -- I can even use Mr. Bubble here to hide all your naughty parts."
Brian opens the bathroom door and steps out some before saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Brian's voiceover: "So, like I said earlier -- I went to Stewie's room and heard someone come up, so I hide in Meg's closet. Like I said, it was Peter..."
"Ow, ow -- you're just -- you're bleeding all over the place. Stanley Steamer costs money; if you gotta bleed, do it in the bathroom so we can mop it up. And clean the toilet while you're in there."

"After that you went downstairs, right Peter?"
"Well, I started to, but then I heard Lois coming up, so I ran back into Meg's closet to hide..."

Peter looks frantically around. He jumps on the floor and ties to stuff himself under the bed; it jets up, lop sided like a baby elephant is under it.
"No, this won't work," removes himself. He looks at the closet, "ah ha!" and opens and shuts it quickly upon entering.
Peter looks down and sees Brian's white eyes in the pitch black.
"Oh, hey Brian."
"Peter. Hey, can you give me a sec?"
"Sure."
Brian's voiceover: "So I stabbed her and when I opened the door I saw Lois entering the bathroom, so I ducted back into the closet."
"So..." says Peter.
"So..." Brian replies.
"How about those Bears?"
"Great, I hear. You know hat? I saw you do it, you know I did it too, so let us just stand in this dark closet and contemplate our sings."
"I farted in church once."
"Not quite what I had in mind."
"And said 'Jesus did it'."
Brian's voiceover: "Then we both shut up when we heard the bedroom door open."

"And that's when you entered, right Lois?"
"I believe so. You see, I went to the bathroom to make sure the knife was clean; I was so concentrated on what I was doing that I didn't notice the trail of blood leading in there. I was so focused, so I went about my plan..."

Lois knocks on Meg's door, while holding a basket of clean clothing, "Meg, honey, I got your clean cloths..." opens the door and walks in, "honey..." puts the basket down; she removes the Ginsu knife from the clothing and approaches the lump underneath the bed covers, "mommy's got something for you, Meg. Just let her ... SHOW YOU! " she rips the covers off and stabs. "A Real Doll that looks like Matthew Broderick?" looks confused momentarily, then peaks at the penis.
Lois' voiceover: "Right then I heard a noise outside and ran to hide in the closet..."
The closet doors shuts. Meg's bedroom door opens and Stewie peaks in, holding the large Ginsu butcher knife, looks around, then closes it.
"Peter!" she exclaims.
"Lois!"
"Lois," says Brian.
"Brian," she replies.
"Good night, Spock," says Peter.
"Well, I can't think of anything that would make this more awkward," comments Lois.
"Lois, my nose is in your crotch."

"If she wasn't in the room, then where was she?" asks Joe.
"Well, we left the bedroom and Peter suggested I try the bathroom..."

"Nope, not in here," Peter closes Stewie's bedroom door. Stewie lies unconscious behind it, with a bruise on his head and the butcher knife knocked under the nearby bed.
Meg shakes while lying on her side in the bathtub. She tries to lift herself up by the water facets, but triggers the shower head which starts raining down on her. Suddenly, a shadow loom over the curtain.
"Woom?"
"WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE! WEE!"
Lois lowers in and stabs Meg in the heart, then leaves.
Meg grabs at the shower curtain and it rips off the holding bar. She lies dead in the tub as her blood washes down the swirling drain.
"Peter, you didn't have to make that noise."
"what are you kidding me? Bernard Herrmann classic; you always said you wanted me to get more into the arts."
"Well, I guess so."
"Did you really have to sanitize the knife though?" Peter asks.
"But look how clean it got it."
"Oh -- it's better than the dish washer; there aren't even any spots. Except the bloody ones."
Brian's voiceover: "So we all went downstairs and enjoyed the rest of the day."
Peter shouts, "Hey -- who wants to play Scrabble?!"

"You're all disgusting," says Joe.
"Hey, you're not supposed to judge unless you've been judge Judyed or something like that," says Chris.
"Chris, have you ever been an inmate's bitch?"
"Joe, just tell us one thing: how'd you find out?" asks Lois.
"She called me from her bedroom phone."
"See, Lois -- I told you she didn't need a phone, but noooO, you just didn't listen."
"Hey Joe."
"Hey Rick. Everything okay?"
"Yup, one dead body; everything's perfectly normal."
"So, what's the story?"
"Well, death by multiple stabs wounds, of course."
"Duh. Getting stabbed four times can do that to a guy."
"Five. There are five stab wounds."
"Five? You sure?"
"Hey -- if there's anything I know, it's stab wounds. Well, good luck with the investigation."
"Thanks."
Rick leaves the Griffin household.
Joe wheels back & forth while thinking aloud, "Chris stabbed her once..."
"I only had one knife."
"Brian, you stabbed her once, correct?"
"Yes, and I saw Peter only stab her once."
"And Lois has two witnesses for only stabbing her once -- though her witnesses stabbed her too. Stewie was unconscious and besides that, he's just a harmless infant anyway."
"Yes ... harmless; like little Damien," comments Stewie.
"Somebody in here stabbed her a second time..." says Joe.
"Well, who could that be?" asks Lois.
Joe thinks for a few second, "Well, isn't it obvious? Think of the facts?"
Chris blurts, "The facts of life?"
"All the time upstairs is accounted for and we know who did what. Prior to that, everybody was in the kitchen, except for one person who used that time to not only stab Megan, but miss the beginning of ALF -- Peter!"
"HUH!!" they all gasp.
"What? Did I fart?"