Chapter 4: "Someone With A Knife
"Take a good gander at my big, fat middle finger," Peter flips everyone off. "Joe, you sure you even got the math right? Sounds kind of fuzzy to me."
"Well, someone stabbed her, then of course you did it twice, then the rest of you stabbed her."
"So, that's four," says Peter.
"No, 1+2+1+1."
"Wait, I thought it was 1+2+2+1."
"That's six. It's 1+2+1+1."
"What about 2+1+1+2?"
"That's also six."
"Hey, what about 1+1+2+1?"
"Peter, that's the same thing again, five -- all you did was re-arranged the numbers."
"1+2+ -- five, six, seven, however many times it takes to get the job done. Nothing is too good for my baby."
"Peter, it's just simple math; 1+2+1+1 5," Brian comments.
"Are you trying to make me look stupid?" Peter shouts.
"Well you certainly don't ... too easy."
"The family that preys together, stabs together I guess. What's wrong with you people?!" Joe yells.
"I preyed for a sharp knife!" says Chris.
"We just needed to let off a little steam. Peter -- remember what we were originally going to do?" says Lois.
"What? Oh! Peanut cookies," giggles.
"Yeah," Lois laughs with him; she slaps his knee.
"Remembered this time," Peter adds.
"I don't get it," says Joe.
"Well, that's not important; what is important is that you can't prove a thing," says Peter.
"Peter, it's fairly obvious; you picked her lock and stabbed her so when Chris came back to try the door again, it was no longer locked.
"Oh yeah? Prove it," he folds his arms.
"Honey, for goodness sake -- he already knows."
"Not so fast, Lois, I do have a secret of two."
"Such as?" asks Lois.
"I pooped in the bank air tube thingy once."
"I guess that's not too bad, you did stab out daughter to death after all," says Lois.
"No wait -- there's more. Something far worse; something so egregiously inhuman that I can't even reproduce it with puppets."
"What?"
"I saw DOOM!"
"Oh, so you were the guy," Chris comments.
"Oh -- oh dear god. I should arrest you just for that."
"Great; does that mean we can drop all that stabbing stuff?" says Peter.
"Nice try. If you're not going to confess, then lead us through your version of events."
"Very well -- follow me!" he runs and they all follow him. He stops at the front door.
"That's it? You made us all run two feet just to get to the front door?" says Brian.
"It all started earlier when Meg came home from school. In hindsight I should have changed the locks, but it's too late now for regrets. She said 'Hello' then approached me on the couch, over there!" he runs two feet back to the couch; everyone runs with him except Brian.
"Yeah, I'm not going to be running around pointlessly anymore."
"She stopped at the couch where she annoyed her father endlessly with boring personal crap and useless anecdotes. Luckily he had the presence of mind to wedge his head firmly between two cushions, thus ending the talking. Then she went upstairs!" they all run upstairs, trailing behind Peter.
"Damnit," says Brian, he runs after them.
Joe stops at the bottom of the steps and waits silently. Ten seconds later Peter comes back down.
"Sorry about that," turns Joe around and starts dragging him up step-by-step.
"I don't even know why I'm doing this; you're arresting us all for murder anyway."
"True, but that doesn't mean we can't be civil about it."
"Hey, you know what just occurred to me? I could push you down the stairs."
"Peter, that would be wrong."
"Why? We already stabbed our daughter to death. Murdering -- it's like riding a bicycle: you never forget. Whoops!" lets go of the chair briefly.
"Stop that."
"Oh no!" does it again.
"I mean it."
"I'm really gonna drop you this time!" lets go, "just kidding," giggles.
"I will mace you."
"Oh, oh!" lets go yet again, "had you there for a second."
He wheels Joe quickly into Meg's room.
"So then she went upstairs and proceeded to call all her boring friends..." picks up the phone and does a bad impression of Megan, "'Hey fellow teeny-bopping nobody, want to hear about all the boring crap I did today?'," moves the receiver to his other ear, "'Yeah!'. Mean while, downstairs, everybody was in the kitchen. Follow me!" he runs with Joe down the stairs.
They all run into the kitchen.
"When I entered, Stewie and Chris were having a snack and Lois was sanitizing her murder weapon and also cooking awful food. While we exchanged banter, Brian took a knife. He then went outside," they all run out of the kitchen.
"Damnit, I thought meant..." Brian comes back in from the back door.
He stops in the living room, "But I got a knife too!" runs back into the kitchen and pretends to hold a knife, "and when out into the living room where I noticed Brian already heading up, so I sat down to watch TV," sits down and turns the television on.
Peter just sits there.
"And?" Joe asks.
Peter flicks the channel.
"Peter, what next?!"
"Oh, sorry. So Brian went ... upstairs!" they all run up, with Peter dragging Joe up step-by-step.
Peter races into his bedroom, "Where Brian hide in wait to make sure the coast was clear. Then Chris left the kitchen!" he races Joe out and down the stairs again, as everybody follows.
"Peter, will you stop doing that?!"
"No! Chris is suddenly overcome with the urge to wank it so he heads upstairs!" runs to the stairs with everybody.
Stewie goes through the channels as Peter drags Joe in his wheelchair up step-by-step, "Oh -- Magnum, pi. I say, Magnum -- that's one sexy mustache. Hum ... and the butt isn't bad either."
"But once up there, Chris found his efforts to crank one out futile with the incessant chattering from Meg's room, so he tried the door!" runs out of Chris room to Meg's across the hall, "but it was locked. But during that time Brian races to the bathroom!" runs over to the bathroom.
"Peter, I'm getting dizzy," says Lois.
"No time for dizziness, Lois. Just then-" heads for the stairs and takes a few steps down.
"Awww..." they all moan.
"I came upstairs!" starts to come up. He bangs his knee on the second to the last step, "sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH! sss-AGH!" stands up and rubs his right knee. "With the Ginsu knife in hand, I approached her door silently -- like O.J. on that faithful night. When I tried it, it was locked, so I used a screw driver I kept in my pants from work, and picked the lock. Once in, I pretended to give a damn and stabbed her once she let her guard down. During that time Stewie leaves the bathroom as well!" they all race to the bathroom.
"Yeah I'm still trying to forget this part," comments Brian.
"I heard someone moving around in Stewie's room, so I ran back downstairs to watch ALF!" they all runs downstairs.
"But upstairs a tugless Chris tried Meg's door again and found it unlocked!" they all race back upstairs and into Meg's room.
"If you're all trying to make me feel bad, I should warn you -- it won't happen," says Chris.
"Once the deed is done, Chris re-enters his room and takes care of business; at that moment Brian races out of Stewie's room and into Meg's but upon hearing me coming up the stairs, hides in her closet!" they all race into her room and into her closet, with Joe on the outside.
"Brian lie in wait as I entered."
"Lois, my nose is in your crotch again," sniffs, "Summer's Eve?"
"Heh, heh..." she trails off with uneasy laughter.
Peter opens the door and they pile out into the room, "I stab her and try to leave, but Lois comes up, so I hide in the closet; not knowing Brian is there as well. During this time Megan dragged her worthless body out her room, across the hall, and into the bathroom, leaving hundreds of dollars in carpet cleaning bills. So, Lois stabs her in the bathroom and we go downstairs!" they all race down.
"Oh yes Thomas -- those are short shorts" says Stewie.
"Once we were all down, we got together as a family and played Scrabble. The end. So, as you heard, I only stabbed her once."
"Peter, you just confessed up there to being the one who picked her lock and stabbed her first."
"Oh, did I? Heh -- with all that running back & forth ... sort of lost track."
"Why did you stab her twice?"
"Technically I only stabbed her once, each time. Well, I stabbed her because ... you know ... incase she was a vampire."
"Well, you're all under arrest for the murder of Megan Griffin. I can't believe all you sick bastards were trying to kill your daughter."
Says an apathetic Stewie," Well, except for me; I was trying to kill Lois."
--THE END--