AN: Wasn't going to write a part two for this story but heck this came to mind tonight or morning and I hope you enjoy will be pt 3 and more now that we've been given the update on season 5. So enjoy

"Does it get any easier?"

I wait for an answer but know none will be forthcoming. I look around my room the silence deafening.

I look down at his picture and ask another question. "How did you do it? How did you keep it together?"

He's smiling up at me and I shake my head. I hug the picture to my chest and sigh.

"I know that was two questions I did say I was only going to ask one more."

I lay Jack's picture next to me in the bed and rub my temples. It's been a hell of a few months.

Being the "man" or in my case the "woman" wasn't what I'd expected. But what did I expect. I only commanded SG1 for a short time then I went to Area 51. I was in charge of scientists but it was different I treated them like colleagues and I didn't have to worry anything was going to kill them and my biggest fear was that we'd run out of coffee or worse pencils.

When I did return to the SGC Cam was in command of SG1, Jack's thank you for saving or butts during the Anubis battle.

I really didn't mind it gave me the opportunity to do what I do best. Getting us out of tight situations and figuring out solutions without having to worry that I was going to get my team kill. That was Cam's job. To keep us safe and sound, to bring us back in one piece.

But now I am responsible for the lives of every person on Atlantis. Every cook, scientist, soldier and doctor, I was who they came to when things went wrong.

I was the one that had to defend my people's actions and to carry out orders even if they did not agree.

I cover my face with my hands and breath deeply, had it only been a couple of months?

Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Maybe I wasn't the right person for the job. Maybe the IOC was wrong and should have picked Rodney instead.

Okay well maybe not Rodney but someone more qualified, someone that wouldn't have that little voice inside there head saying "your doing it all wrong Samantha. Are you sure that's the right decision? Oh that was really stupid of you."

The worse part of being here had been trying to fill the shoes of Elizabeth Weir. She had been the heart of Atlantis. Being a civilian gave her more leeway to care and to rule with her heart and worry about the consequences later.

I was military and everything was analyzed strategically first. My scientific rationality came second and so far it had done the job. I know I'd step on some toes and was still trying to prove that I belong here. Sheppard and Teyla have been welcoming, Rodney has been well Rodney and Ronin I'm not too sure I'm one of his favorite people. He doesn't say much to me and just stares and waits for me to screw something up. I he said I didn't trust him when he wanted to bring his friends to Atlantis, I don't think he's forgiven me for not letting them come as he asked.

But that was the right decision once all the dust was settled if I had given in to his request then things would have turned out disastrous. I went with my orders and instinct and it paid off.

I look at his picture, he said it would be a cakewalk that I could do this with one hand tied behind my back.

"Liar," I whisper to the empty room.

How many times had I lost Atlantis? I'm sure there was a pool as too when I'd finally let it go to hell in a hand basket. I smirked maybe I should put some money down too.

"It has to get easier right Jack?"

I push myself off my bed and start to pace. The bottom line was that I missed my family. I wanted to be able to leave my room and go in search of Daniel or Teal'c.

I wanted to hear Cam tell me another story about his grandmother or watch Vala try to embarrass Daniel.

I missed Jack the most. Emails weren't enough. And well we couldn't very well say too much. I wished he was still at the SGC at least I'd get to see talk to him when we would do our weekly check in.

I feel the urge to cry but wont. I need to suck it up.

"Remember Sam, Carter's don't cry."

There's a knock at the door and I grab his picture off my bed and hide it under my pillow and go and open the door.

It's Sheppard.

"Colonel, did I wake you?"

I shook my head, "No, I was going over some notes, is there something wrong?"

"No ma'am I just notice that you weren't yourself and was wondering if you wanted to join me for a cup of coffee."

I smiled, "Thanks, John but no I really need to catch up on my reading and then get to bed."

He pulled something out of his pocket, "I thought you might say that and well I was instructed by a high ranking official to give you this when I thought the time was right."

He handed me the letter I looked at the letter and recognized the writing.

"When did he give this to you?"

He stepped back, "I was instructed to give you that and to not answer any questions so if you'll excuse me Colonel I'll be joining the rest of my team if you change your mind you know where will be."

I look down at it and close the door.

I pull out his picture from under the pillow and prop it up.

"You think of everything don't you? I should have known that I'm never alone."

I sit and open the letter and begin to read words from a man a galaxy away.