Jack couldn't tell Ianto.

It would kill him if he did.

But it was killing Jack having to keep it locked up.

…

"Mmm, I love you." A pause. A kiss pressed to his neck, "So much. Forever, Jack. Forever."

Each of Ianto's words were punctuated with a gentle kiss pressed to a different part of Jack's face or neck.

Any other time, and Jack would have loved it. He would have revelled in it. But not this time. He felt sick. He disgusted himself. How could he tell Ianto he loved him, then sleep with Annie? What kind of person did that make him? It wasn't Ianto's fault he had been promised to that girl, in fact, Jack could clearly see he hated even the idea of marrying her, but yet he had still gone and betrayed his beautiful Ianto. He hated himself.

"Jack? Jack, what's the matter?" Ianto's eyes held his gaze steady as his hands hang limply at Jack's neck. He inhaled his scent, never tiring of the smell, a perfect potion of soap and light aftershave, a luxury he had never had the privilege to use, probably never would, but smelling it on Ianto was enough. That's what made this even harder, he loved everything about Ianto. Every single little damn thing. Every inch of his body, his facial expressions, his accent, his smell, his taste. Every little thing that he would never notice on anyone else, like the way his eyelids fluttered for a few seconds whilst he adjusted to the sun, like the way his Adam's apple bobbed up and down every time he swallowed, the slight stubble that covered his throat, making the sight even more delicious, his varying smiles, depending on the situation, or the person, and the way he never looked as beautiful as he did when he was deep in the throws of passion.

It took Jack a few moments to clear his mind of it's previous train of thought, brandishing his practiced fake smile, and looking up at Ianto who was currently straddling his lap. He loved him, he truly did. How could he not, Ianto was risking so much for him, but there was still that underlying hint of anger when he looked at his face.

And the strangest thing was that it had nothing to do with anything Ianto himself had done. It was just that when he looked at Ianto, his face reminded Jack of everything. Everything that was good and bad in his life, every bad thing he had ever done, and every good. And so many conflicting emotions was never a good thing when Jack was involved.

"Nothing."

It came out a lot blunter and piercing than he had intended, and he could see the hurt spill across Ianto's face, feel him slowly inching off his lap.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"You must have, or you wouldn't have used such a tone."

Jack hated that in Ianto. The fact that he never let anything slip. But what made it even worse, was that Jack loved even the things he hated about Ianto.

And that just served to confuse him further.

"Jack! For God's sake! Just tell me what is going on. Why can't you look at me?"

The pleading tone in Ianto's voice stamped on Jack's heart, and only added to the guilt weighing down heavily on him.

"Because I fucked up!"

Ianto never did understand why Jack used such strong language. It really was hardly ever needed. He figured that this may just be one of those situations that it would be needed. He didn't even know why, he just had a sinking feeling. He knew it was connected to him being promised to Elizabeth, directly or loosely, it didn't really matter. Jack had to know that no matter what he would always love him. Whether he was married or not.

He sat on the bed beside Jack with a dejected sigh, taking his hand firmly in his.

"Tell me everything."

Jack somehow wasn't ready to tell Ianto 'everything'. And he figured if Ianto knew what that entailed, he wouldn't be ready for it either. There really was no easy way out of this. He couldn't live the rest of his life with such a thing weighing so heavily on his shoulders, hanging over him like a thunderous storm cloud everywhere he went, but he couldn't bare to see the look that would inevitably grace Ianto's face when he told him.

"It's just…everything with you and…Elizabeth," he could hardly bare to even say her name, "well, it's complicated things, and now Annie's involved as well, and…"

Shit.

He hadn't meant to mention Annie so early in the conversation.

"How is Annie, involved, exactly?"

Ianto's hand slipped from Jack's hold.

"OK, please just remember that I love you, and I'm sorry, and…I love you."

"Jack, you're scaring me now."

It couldn't be anything compared to how scared he was.

"Well, when I found out about you being promised to that girl, I was distraught. I wasn't thinking straight, I…"

"Jack!"

"I slept with Annie."

Ianto stood bolt upright. Facing away from Jack. The older man could hear his lover choking on his sobs. If he thought he hated himself before, it was nothing compared to now. He had promised himself, that first time they had made love, that he would do everything in his power to stop Ianto hurting. Now he was the cause of that hurt. He was a monster, the worst kind. He wanted to cry, but he had no tears left. And he didn't even feel like he deserved to. Everything was his fault. He had no right to be hurting.

"But, you said you loved me! You are a liar, Jack!"

"I never lied. I do love you, so much it physically hurts when I'm not near you. I hate myself for what I did, more than I think you ever could -"

Ianto's head snapped round, the first time he had looked at Jack since his confession. He looked distraught, in every sense of the word, and at the same time an undeniable venom was flooding from his features.

"That's where you're wrong. So wrong! I hate you, Jack! I fucking hate you!"

And it seemed Ianto was right when he predicted this would be one of those occasions when swearing was entirely appropriate.

"Get out! Leave me alone!"

"Ianto, please…"

"GET OUT!"

And that's when both of their hearts broke.

Ianto burst into tears, crying harder than he ever thought possible, so hard that it hurt him, a pain surging through his chest as the tears continued to tumble down his cheeks, the burning liquid trickling down his seemingly frozen skin.

Of course, he didn't hate Jack, in fact, he still loved him as much as he always had, and he felt so stupid for having those feelings. How could he possibly love someone that had hurt him so completely, so entirely? It served him right, he figured. God's punishment for sinning on such a grand scale. But he knew that tonight he wouldn't be praying for forgiveness, rather the strength to forgive Jack.

…

He flopped onto the bed, the weak springs creaking under the weight, as he finally aloud the tears to fall. But the smell of his and Annie's 'encounter' was still etched on the bedding, and it would remain there no matter how many times he washed it. His guilty conscious would never allow him to be rid of it.

He missed Ianto already, and he had only just left the young man's chambers mere moments earlier. He realised that it was more the realisation that it was entirely likely that he would never hold him again, never kiss him again, never make love to him again. Yet he would have to serve him every day. And he knew it would kill him. Every part of him.

Starting with his heart.

…

Ianto hardly slept that night, but when he did, there was only one face that haunted his dreams.

…

Jack hardly slept that night, but when he did, there was only one face that haunted his dreams.