Chapter 12

"Thank you." Olivia tore her eyes away from the cup in her hand and met those of the woman in front of her. Monique smiled softly. "I mean it," Olivia added thoughtfully.

"I'm just glad to see you're doing better," Monique confessed quietly.

Olivia cracked a small smile. "Yeah, well apparently a cup of coffee can work miracles," she commented dryly.

"Well, if I had known that's all it would take," Jeffries returned light-heartedly. "But seriously, do you need anything else? What about money, groceries?"

Olivia shook her head. "No, thanks. I'll manage. I just…" She hesitated slightly.

Jeffries came around the side of the couch, dropping a single key in Olivia's lap with a knowing smile. "Here," she interrupted.

Olivia's smile this time was genuine. "Thanks, Monique."

Jeffries stared at her hands, carefully phrasing her next words. "Olivia, are you sure you're okay here alone? I can stay."

Olivia shook her head insistently. "No, Monique. Go home. I'm fine."

"Okay," Jeffries agreed softly. "Call me if you need anything." She pulled the door shut behind her and closed her eyes, leaning against the frame until she heard the deadbolt click into place.

"That doesn't make any sense." Fin shook his head, bewildered. "I've seen Liv drink before, but never like that."

"Neither have I," Elliot agreed. "But everyone I've talked to who was there that night is giving me the same story."

"So she was drunk. Are you saying she was asking for it?" Jeffries demanded defensively, her words taking on a sudden fury.

Munch was quick to intervene. "No one is saying what happened is her fault. All we're saying is that something here is seriously wrong."

"I don't like this." Elliot slid away from his desk and began pacing. "She had two drinks while I was there. She said she was going home. What the hell happened?"

"Two drinks don't escalate to ten in less than two hours without a damn good reason why," Cragen asserted thoughtfully.

"It could explain why she claims not to remember anything," Munch pointed out.

Fin nodded in agreement. "Yeah, with that much booze in her system, she's lucky she didn't end up with alcohol poisoning."

"Oh, this is just great," Jeffries argued hotly. "No need for a jury to put her through hell. You guys are doing a damn good job of it on your own. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she just isn't ready to talk about it yet?"

Elliot stared straight ahead in silence, searching for the words to explain what he could not. Before he had a chance to try to speak, the phone at his desk rang. All eyes turned to him as he reached for the receiver. "Stabler." He paused, listening intently to the other end of the conversation. "Okay thanks. We'll be right down."

He raised his eyes to meet Cragen's. "O'Halloran got something off of the jacket."

Cragen nodded. "Okay. Elliot, Fin. Go." Cragen nodded in dismissal and watched them grab their jackets and head for the door before he spoke. "Munch, Jeffries." He took a deep breath. "I need to know what's not in your report?"

A sharp rap sounded at the door. Olivia raised her arm unsteadily, her entire body tense.

"Olivia?"

Her voice was shaking when she finally responded. "Who is it?"

"Olivia, it's me…George."

Olivia exhaled shakily as she finally placed the voice. Crossing quickly over to the door, she unlocked the deadbolt and pushed it open. Her eyes darted nervously over his shoulder before she allowed him to pass through the doorway. "What are you doing here, George?" Her voice was hesitant.

"I thought you might want some lunch." Cautiously, Huang raised the hand holding a white take-out bag.

She smiled for the first time, locking the door behind him before she turned back around. "Thanks."

"How are you doing?" he asked pointedly, offering her the bag.

She accepted it, eager for the moment of reprieve. "I'm fine," she insisted stubbornly.

"Okay, care to talk about it?"

She turned her back to him. "Nope." Olivia reached in the bag and began to pull out the cartons, spreading them out on the kitchen counter. "I'm fine."

"I can see that," he agreed simply.

She whipped around. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Huang raised his eyes to meet hers. "It means you haven't put your gun down since the moment I walked in the door."

"You are going to love me." O'Halloran didn't move from his position at the microscope as he spoke. After a moment, he finally straightened up and turned to face the two detectives standing in the doorway.

"Let's hope so," Fin commented dryly.

"What have we got?" Elliot added quickly, unable to keep the curiosity out of his voice.

"No sign of bodily fluids, but I did find this." O'Halloran motioned for them to move closer before stretching the fabric of the jacket out for them to take a look.

"It's a stain," Elliot observed mildly.

"Not just any stain. I was able to run it through the gas chromatograph and isolate the chemical compounds…"

Fin didn't wait for him to finish. "And…" he prompted impatiently.

"Olivia spilled her drink on her jacket," O'Halloran announced.

"That's great, Ryan," Elliot added, rolling his eyes. "You called us all the way down here for that. We already knew she was drinking. Please tell me that you have something we can actually use?"

"How about trace amounts of GHB in the alcohol on her jacket?"

Elliot drew his breath in sharply. There was a stunned silence before he finally found words to respond. "She was drugged?"

O'Halloran nodded soberly. "Yeah."

"No wonder she can't remember anything." Fin's voice was suddenly soft, his words filled with a new understanding. "Why the hell didn't we think of that?"

"The bastard kept plying her with drinks," Elliot acknowledged quietly. "Olivia probably never even realized she was still drinking. After I left, she only remembers having one drink."

"And we've got a handful of patrons who will say she threw back almost a dozen," Fin finished grimly.

"Yeah, and no blood work to counteract their testimony," Elliot added. "Any traces of GHB would have been out of her system long before we found her."

Fin turned back to Elliot. "GHB, Midazolam…this guy is like a walking pharmacy."

"Maybe he works for some pharmaceutical company?" Elliot suggested quickly.

"That one's up to you, but I might be able to help you with an ID on him." O'Halloran's voice rang out from behind them. They both turned around slowly, their faces registering shook. "We've been sorting through the debris from the fire." O'Halloran motioned back to the microscope he had been standing in front of when they came in. Grabbing a set of forceps, he gingerly pulled out a partially shriveled plastic card. "Driver's license belonging to a Roger Hammond," Ryan announced smugly, holding it out on display.

"And all roads lead back to Roger Hammond," Fin muttered. "Who the hell is this guy?"

Elliot turned to O'Halloran quickly. "Any chance you were able to lift a print off of this?"

O'Halloran grinned back at them. "Didn't I say you were going to love me?" Crossing over to a nearby computer, he rotated the monitor toward them. "Two pristine prints with full ridge detail belonging to the one and only…"

Elliot crossed his arms over his chest, letting the single name roll of his tongue in satisfaction. "Michael Pasley."

Olivia froze instantly. Her eyes flew down to her side, acknowledging for the first time the Glock clutched tightly in her hand. She shrugged casually, her brain searching for some plausible excuse. There was none. "It's my old service revolver. I was just…"

"Olivia," Huang interrupted cautiously. "I'm just a concerned friend right now--nothing more, nothing less."

Olivia stared back at him, confusion swimming in her eyes. She felt him reach for the gun in her hand and pull it away from her. "Olivia…no paperwork, no judgment. I'm just here to listen."

I'm just here to listen.

She hesitated, her eyes frantically looking toward him as if somehow seeking approval. He didn't return her gaze. He had turned his back, retreating to the living room, silently letting her know he was there when she was ready.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

Tears sprang to her eyes. He was waiting for her, waiting for her to pull away yet again and accepting it fully as her decision.

Without judgment.

Against everything he had ever been taught, he was allowing her to decide when she was ready to talk, not expecting anything more than she was willing to give.

And for the first time, Olivia realized that in doing so he had given her what she was afraid she would never be able to find again--control.

By acknowledging that it affects you…that's the way that you handle something traumatic.

The words came out of nowhere…a memory long since buried that suddenly held new meaning. She had a choice. She could retreat, hide, bury the truth; and he would never question her. She could allow it to take control over her, molding her life into an obscure remnant of what it had once been. Or she could acknowledge the truth, confront her fears, and learn to survive.

Olivia's footsteps were tentative as she crossed the room and took a seat next to him on the couch. He was silent, gently encouraging her, but at the same time, waiting for her to take the lead. Olivia drew her knees up to her chest, turning toward him. When she finally spoke, her words were soft. "I know that everything I'm feeling is completely normal."

Huang raised his eyes to meet hers. "You're right, Liv. It is. But you still feel that you should be able to control it?"

She nodded. "I understand every emotion. I know what's coming next because I've seen it over and over again, but I can't stop it from happening. I can't stop myself from feeling it."

"It's a grieving process, Olivia. Knowledge isn't a cure that makes it go any faster." She took in his words, acknowledging the truth behind them. Huang watched her carefully. "You know you don't have to prove anything to anyone else."

"I'm not." The defensive tone that crept into her voice betrayed the truth behind her words.

"And you don't have to prove anything to yourself."

Olivia fought to control the tremble in her lower lip. "I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it."

"Handle going back?" he asked gently. At her affirmative nod, he pushed forward gently. "Olivia, the fact that you're here talking to me now tells me that you can handle going back."

"I don't want it to change how they look at me. I don't want them to treat me like I'm a victim."

"I'm not going to pretend that everything is going to be okay, Liv. The emotions you're feeling now are going to get worse before they get better. But everyone in the squad is there to help you through it. You don't have to prove anything to any of them. There isn't a single person who doubts your ability to do your job."

"What if I can't control my emotions?"

"Olivia, I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to change the way you do your job. It's going to change how every case affects you. But you can use those emotions you're feeling now to help you become a better cop."

"For the first time, I think I understand her." Olivia's words came out as barely more than a whisper.

Huang held her gaze before he spoke. "Your mother?"

"She loved me, and she hated me all at the same time. And as much as I hate what happened, a part of me is grateful for the understanding that came out of it."

"But then you blame yourself for feeling that? Olivia, it's not a bad thing to want to look for something good in what happened. It doesn't mean it's your fault. It doesn't mean you were asking for it."

Fresh tears sprang to her eyes at the sincerity behind his words. "I know that, so why can't I control it. Why can't I make those emotions go away?"

He didn't answer her. "Olivia, did you take the Levonelle?"

Wordlessly, she shook her head. "I always thought that if it were me, I would be different. I even told Elliot once that I would take it." She hesitated. "But when it was actually in my hands, I couldn't do it, George."

"Why do you think that is, Liv?"

She was deep in thought for a long time. When she finally answered, her eyes were shimmering with tears. "I don't want to believe that my mother's decision to have me was a mistake. I want to believe that I'm here for a reason."

"But at the same time it scares you," he observed.

She nodded her head in response. "I go back in a little over three weeks for another test. What if it's positive? What if I'm pregnant?"

Huang reached for her hand. "Then we'll do whatever we can to support your decision. But Olivia, you're not alone in this."

She heard his words, and for the first time, Olivia allowed herself to see truth behind them. The helplessness began to fade ever so slightly. Behind it was the smallest glimmer of hope that there could be light at the end of a tunnel that had thus far thrust her life into darkness.

Olivia stood up, stretching her legs. "What do you think about checking out that lunch?" she suggested with a smile. "I'm starving."

Huang smiled. "That sounds like a great idea."

Olivia followed him into the kitchen. For the first time in days, she actually felt hungry. She watched him fill his plate. Out of habit, she reached for the bag at the end. Tearing open the plastic wrapper, she held the fortune cookie in her hand. Splitting it in two, she popped one half in her mouth. She separated the tiny slip of paper from the other half, and with a smile tucked it away for another day.