Chapter 23

Olivia drew her gaze up slowly. Her arms wrapped around her knees as if to protect herself from a chill no one else could feel. From across the room, the first signs of an approaching storm tore at the window pane as if somehow mocking her. A bright flash of light suddenly illuminated the sky.

Olivia squeezed her eyes closed to block out the bright flashing light. She felt the ruler pressing up against her skin, somehow heard the SANE nurse in the background comparing dimensions of every wound, every bruise marring her body. Her eyes unfocused, she stared into the lens of the camera, somehow willing its existence to fade, somehow willing herself to escape the reality in front of her. She fought for control over her body as she felt herself slipping in and out of consciousness.

Vaguely, Olivia heard the distraught and soothing voice around her. She strained to make out the words, but they were like dreams floating around, too far away to grasp. She felt a cool rush of air as the nurse pulled the fabric of the hospital gown away from her body leaving her exposed, vulnerable…

The shrill ringing of the phone sliced through Olivia's reverie, and the images faded away to nothing. She fought to quiet her pounding heart. With trembling hands, she reached for her phone, allowing her fingers to close around it. Drawing in a deep breath, she flipped it open. "Benson." Her voice was quiet, tentative.

"Liv?"

Olivia heard the hesitation behind the single word. She tightened her fingers around the phone in her hand. "El, what's going on?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Elliot's voice was uncharacteristically soft and filled with an emotion she couldn't quite place.

"El, I'm fine," she insisted. She let her voice soften. "Captain sent me home."

"I know."

Olivia waited, searching for a way to interpret his silence on the other end of the line. "Look, El, I…"

"Olivia, are you home alone?"

She blinked, startled by the directness of his question. "Yes, El. I'm home alone." As soon as the words escaped from her lips, it hit her. "Wait a minute. What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"Nothing." Elliot's words were too quick on the other end of the line.

She frowned. "No, El. What the hell is that supposed to mean?" There was no response. She pushed on. "You son of a bitch. You don't trust me."

"Olivia, I never said I didn't trust you," Elliot blurted out quickly.

"No, you're right." Olivia's voice was suddenly cold. "You never say what you mean, Elliot. I don't need a babysitter. I can take care of myself." Without another word, she snapped her phone shut before he could question her further, before he could identify the unsettling emotion she hadn't quite been able to mask in her voice.

Elliot stared down at the phone in his hand in shock. The initial relief that she was safe subsided quickly, replaced by a guilt that penetrated deep within him. Jesus Christ, at what point had every word that escaped his lips started coming across as so insensitive, so uncaring? At what point had every tiny step forward left him sliding backward into a downward spiral? When had he stopped being able to sense what she needed from him?

"Did you get ahold of Liv?" Munch moved closer, searching Elliot's face for a response.

Elliot snapped back to attention. "Yeah, she's fine," he finally managed. He surveyed the basement quickly. "Look, I know that Liv can take care of herself, but I'd just feel better if I can get her back to the House where I know she's safe. Do you think you and Fin can manage the scene if I just check in with her?"

Munch nodded. "Sure, Elliot, no problem. We've got you covered. I'll call the Cap and give him a heads up." As Elliot started to walk away, he hesitated. "Elliot…"

Elliot turned around slowly.

Munch gave him a look of understanding that went far beyond what words could communicate. "Elliot, even if she won't admit it to you, Liv knows that you're just trying to help her."

Elliot swallowed hard. "Thanks, John," he answered softly. As he turned away, he hoped that no one else could hear the regret hidden behind his words. It wasn't until he was hidden from view and in the privacy of the squad car that he finally allowed himself to expel the breath he hadn't realized he was still holding. He dropped his head in his hands to draw himself together, completely oblivious to the storm raging outside the car. When he was ready, he finally pulled away from the curb, his phone clenched tightly in his hands. With the push of a button, he flipped it to speakerphone and without even glancing down at the keypad, found her number by memory. It wasn't until he heard the phone begin to ring that he realized he had no idea what to say.

Olivia stared back at the phone in front of her dully. It was ringing…again. She didn't even have to glance down to know whose number was displayed. It wasn't going to change. She tucked her feet underneath her until finally the ringing quieted. She allowed herself to breathe again, silently counting down the seconds until it began to ring again. Damn Elliot for being so persistent. Damn Elliot for caring so much. She blinked hard. She didn't need him to care. She didn't need him to check up on her. She just needed to find a way to make this deep trepidation, this hollow feeling within her fade away. Tentatively, she reached for the bottle on the coffee table in front of her and raised it to her lips. Her breath caught in her throat. Damn it. Why couldn't she just take a drink? Why couldn't she let herself go? Why couldn't she push herself toward feeling something, anything other than the emotions that consumed her now?

She spun the cap back on the bottle before letting it drop down beside her. She glanced down at the phone. For the first time since Elliot's first phone call, it was silent. She picked up her phone again, staring down at the display screen. She had worked with so many victims throughout the years. She had watched some of them fall, had watched some of them slowly start to piece together their lives. She had watched them push away their family, their spouse, their significant other. She had watched each of them push everyone away until there was nobody left, until they finally succeeded in reaching the one place where they could pretend that nothing had ever happened.

She chewed on her lower lip, flipping her phone open again. She considered calling him back and apologizing. She considered calling him back and yelling at him until anger pushed aside every other emotion. But she had no idea what to say. She had no idea how to explain to him that she understood without admitting that she needed help. She had no idea how to tell him she was sorry without falling apart. She had no idea how to…

Her thoughts were interrupted as she realized that somebody was at the door. She could hear the buzzing from the panel across the room announcing his presence. As she crossed the room toward it, she had no doubt who was on the other end. She closed her eyes and found the button on the controlled access panel as if by memory. "Elliot, go away."

"Olivia, please. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…please let me come up."

"Damn it, Elliot. I don't want to talk about it. Just go away." She stared back at the panel, waiting for a response. It never came.

Pure panic gripped her. Oh, God, what if she had finally succeeded? What if she had finally pushed too hard, too far? What if he had given up on trying to get through to her and decided it wasn't worth it? She struggled to find the words to say she was sorry. She struggled to find the words to tell him that she still needed him. She struggled to find anything that came remotely close to telling him everything she needed to say. And yet somehow, she still came up empty. Somehow, every word, every excuse seemed to disintegrate before they could escape her lips. And so she did the only thing that she knew how to do. She leaned on the release button for the door, silently hoping that she wasn't too late.

"You're lying." Cragen stared at the figure across from his office as if willing him to disappear. He closed his eyes. "It's not possible."

Tucker shook his head. "I'm sorry, Don. I wish to hell it wasn't true, but I believe him. When's the last time anyone heard from Elliot?"

Cragen ignored the question. "There's no way in hell I'm using her as bait. She can't handle it."

"I can't handle what?" Olivia's voice rang out from the doorway. Her eyes swept across the two figures in the room and landed on Tucker with an accusatory glare. "Something tells me you lied to me on the phone."

"I need a favor," Tucker answered nervously.

"No, you don't," Cragen interrupted, his words cold. "And you had absolutely no right to call her in here tonight."

Olivia hesitated. "You told me Captain needed my help with the case. What the hell is going on here?"

Cragen didn't bother to answer her. He turned back toward Tucker with a glare. "I am not going to let you put her back in there with your brother."

Olivia paused, her eyes darting back and forth between the two men. Her voice was quiet when she spoke. "I think somebody better tell me what's going on here."

"Elliot is missing." As soon as the words escaped his lips, Tucker felt Cragen's murderous glare settling on him. He flinched slightly. "She deserves to know."

Olivia turned toward Cragen, puzzled. "What do you mean missing? He was just at my apartment less than an hour ago."

"Did you actually see him?" Cragen demanded quickly.

She shook her head. "No, he left without coming up." She paused, the realization behind her words settling in quickly. She sank down in a chair. "I thought I had just pushed him too hard. I never thought…" She turned toward Tucker. "I'll do whatever I can. Tell me what he wants."

"He wants to talk to the two of you together." Tucker searched her face for a response.

She nodded without hesitation. "I'll do it."

"Like hell you will. Olivia, we have no idea what he wants with you. I am not sending you in there."

"Captain, you don't have a choice. This is Elliot we're talking about here. I need to be there for my partner. Now if I can do something to help, you have to trust me." She raised her eyes to meet his stubbornly.

"Olivia, you're not thinking clearly," Cragen insisted softly.

"Captain, he's taken everything else away from me. I'm not going to let him take what I have left. I'm going in there with or without you."

Cragen stared back at the look of resolution on her face, the strength that he had thought had long since faded reflecting in her eyes. He let his eyes shift over to Tucker and saw the same desperation that he felt within him. He let his shoulders fall forward dejectedly and let out a long, deep breath. "You're not going in there alone."

"I'll go." Tucker's voice was quiet. "He's my brother. I'll go with her." He raised his eyes to meet Cragen's as if to reassure him. "Don, I'll make sure she's safe."