5. (continued)

-"my heart has been yours alone for longer than you can imagine." What sordid story or obstacle could take away the impact of what he has said to me? "-But there is something that I must tell you."

I've barely recovered from first words out of his mouth. It feels as though it must be someone else speaking- it cannot possibly be Casavir that says that his heart is- has been- mine. Such joy can never belong to me. At the implications of what he has said, I already begin to feel a world of promise flooding up through my very soul. If I in any way doubted it with the effluence of emotion in his kiss, he has taken away all fears with that phrase. Love is springing forth- love is being born! If that makes my soul too innocent, too naive, I will take my punishment and eat it up like bitter bread. But I know with certainty as he studies my reaction that there is nothing he can tell me that will shake him free from where he has crawled into my heart. And so I give him all of my attention. How could I not when we sit here so exposed to each other with word and deed?

"I'm here because I want to listen, Casavir. Whatever it is that has hurt you so, I want to know."

The familiar battle has begun again within his face. I'm expecting some tale about a long-lost sibling rivalry or gentlemen's folly which has been recently dredged up, somehow involving the assassin. Because I know him well, I understand that past mistakes have a way of dredging up more guilt within him than is necessary, or often even reasonable. I have done my best not to belittle the importance of these life lessons, since they matter to him so. But it is a very long time until he can bring himself to speak. Even in the dim light of a candle I can see that he's tried many words on his lips before changing his mind.

The water cools around us. Just when I find that the tension in my shoulders is unbearable, he takes in a great breath and begins.

"For the first time, I wish that you did not have such faith in me."

It doesn't make sense to me. I search his face, waiting for more, knowing there must be a terrible pain behind this secret knowledge he's about to offer me. Casavir takes another long, cleansing breath. Then, taking my small hand into his own, he brings it to his lips to kiss my fingertips.

"When you came to my room, I confess that I had been dreaming of you. It seemed a dream that was more real than it was imagined. I was certain in my heart that you had... willingly come to me. That we had... lain as man and woman." To hear the very phrase in the timbre of Casavir's voice is alien to me. He has always been known for choosing his words carefully, and, when it is not possible, avoiding such subjects altogether. It moves me so to learn that even as I held him in my dreams, he also dreams of me. But the intimacy of what he has said carries some dark undertone. He shakes his head when he sees the tenderness in my eyes.

"No, please, do not look at me that way. Not yet."

"But I dream of you also, Casavir." I take the fingers that he has kissed and press them to his cheek.

"I ask you to wait until you have heard me to judge me so easily."

"I'm sorry," I say, and sit back, schooling myself to patience.

"When I awoke from my dream, I was unable to move."

"The wand. Yes, it must have paralyzed you quickly."

Casavir sighs, not in the way of one who feels disappointment, but the kind of sigh that speaks of the loss of spirit. I can feel that he hates every word that he tries but rejects, and that he has tried many before giving breath to any. He looks utterly dejected.

"The assassin that came to my room meant to kill me. That is certain. But before she even attempted to carry out the act, she... she used me. I was.. innocent of woman." And the last is too much for him. There is no more that he will, or can, say.

Used. I can see the word hovering there in the air. A glass cast aside. An old pair of leather boots that you sell when you no longer need them. But this is something so much more than that. I can feel little more than horror. It is like a dark wine that ferments with anger. I am infused with a sickening rage when I consider that a soul so genuine, so full of innate goodness has been so cruelly used. Used. The tears that well up in my eyes aren't for myself. They are for Casavir. He was dreaming of me. And when he dreamed, he had thought that he was giving himself to me.

"Casavir," I say very gently. "Casavir, my love."

I brush back the hair from his forehead and kiss his brow. Then I gather him to me, as much as he will allow, his head resting on my shoulder. "If I have dreamed of you, and you of me, then we had already given ourselves to each other. She cannot take that if you refuse to give it. And you are still everything... everything that you were. You are guilty of nothing."

Long after the candle has gone out, and he has carefully dressed himself for his evening prayers at the Temple of Tyr, I am still burning with sorrow for him.

Also, I swear to myself that the woman will pay.

Neeshka, I need you. What purse are you lifting at this hour of the night? Haven't you had enough sport for the day? Ah, I know just where she will be.

(Neverwinter, outside of the Moonstone Mask)

"Follow him. I swear there's a big fat King's Tear in it for you if you hear everything."

Her eyes widen. "As much as that? You've really been swimming in it these days. I remember when all you gave me for a job was a couple of potions and some thunderstones."

"We're all 'swimming in it', in case you hadn't noticed. And you don't get the Tear until you've brought me back everything I want to know. Don't let him see you, or it's all over."

She swishes her tail in a way that I've come to learn shows her annoyance with me. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I won't let you down, Una. I'm just itching to see where he's been all this time anyway. When he's not getting drunk at the Flagon, I mean. Do you want to know who he's..."

"All that and more. See who she is, what she wants, what's in her closet. Don't forget her name. That one's worth a bonus."

Neeshka's eyes are giddy with excitement. She's in her element with a job like this. I wouldn't want to deny her the pleasure.