Warnings: Spoilers, language, sexual innuendos, violence, drunkenness, nudity and general stupidity - everything you would expect in a bachelor's party. Plot, What Plot?
Yozak's Sidetrip: The Bachelor's Party
Part 5--
I am sitting on the table with Goldilocks and the three sandbears having a lively, physical debate on the use of Shinou's Rules of Order and its applicability on voting Geigen Huber and Lord von Wincott off the Bachelor's Party when the aforementioned corporal delivers several more bottles of the expensive liquor we've been imbibing. I don't know if Wolfram is happy to see the bottles or happy to see his personal guard. Either way, it's apparent he is very happy. And he is happily expressing his happiness with his lips in a way that made the Corporal, whom I suspect to have a crush on our prince, extremely... well, happy.
On the other hand, it's also apparent that the kiddo is not at all happy with the way Wolfram is expressing his happiness to his personal guard. The slack-jaw look never seems to get old for the king. He is frozen in that position with Conrart's hand on his shoulder holding him back. I cannot imagine what he would have done anyway.
Someone yells, "Fifteen to one! His Excellency Gwendal is still in the lead."
The spell is broken and Wolfram removes his lips from the lips of his blushing corporal. I'm slightly annoyed that the kiss is too short and I'm looking around to see who yelled, then realized that it was me. Damn me and my excitability.
The kiddo has now molded his countenance to take on the look of a fish out of water. All in all, it's not an improvement. Before the room breaks into another loud debate and before the king can whine and complain and flabbergast over Wolfram's actions and before the Captain can brandish his bright shiny smile in a display of perfection, His Eminence whispers in my ear. I follow him leaving the cacophonous chaos behind me.
What greets me in the kitchen is the largest dessert I've ever laid my eyes on. It's white and pink and fluffy and the size of a small barn.
"Isn't it wonderful?" His Eminence asks.
"If you've got a big sweet tooth... Wolfram would be very happy"
"Oh yes, I'm counting on that. But you'll like this cake. First we have to get you dressed properly."
I notice for the first time that he's holding the package that had been sitting innocently on my bed.
"Let's see, where's the closest room you can change in," he says looking around.
I've already dispensed my shirt and I stop in the middle of taking my pants off, I'm not sure why he wants to go to a different room. I look around; he and the maids are staring at me, faces flushed. I raise one eyebrow in question and finish undressing.
"I thought you'd be more comfortable changing your underwear without an audience," he points to my underpants, "that's all wrong."
He holds up a what I assume is the appropriate undergarment. I stare at it and wonder if the alcohol has made the rest of it disappear. I get the impression that there is a shortage of cloth on Earth. I take my plain underwear off and I hear several thuds land on the kitchen floor. The Great Sage's grin looks like it's about to break his face as I try to figure out how to put the little white thing on, the alcohol has taken some of my usual grace off. He helps me put on the rest of the complicated clothing.
Once I finish donning the white leather outfit, which takes several minutes (I think His Eminence is enjoying himself a little too much playing with all the straps and buckles), I try adjusting my butt cheeks, that string between them feels a bit strange... like someone constantly trying to poke me in my... I'm not saying that that's a bad feeling. But it's not something one would expect while walking around dressed.
"I wish I had a mirror," I say.
"You look wonderful Mr. Yozak," says one of the maids who is helping a colleague off the floor holding a handkerchief to her nose.
His Eminence gives me an appreciative look. My ego soars, my head spins. Yes, I know I'm gorgeous but it's always nice to be surrounded by admiring eyes. I close my eyes to stop the spinning. I feel something being placed on my head, my eyes flutter open and my vision is greeted by white gauze. I snicker, I must look like the runaway masochist bride of a sadist.
My talents as a contortionist has proven to be very useful in my career as a spy. I've been in a lot of tight places before, but I would have never guessed I would one day hide inside a cake.
When we arrive back at the dining hall (with me inside the giant cake), I hear a gasp of surprise. Then I hear Wolfram giddily shout, "Murata, I love you!"
Murata?? Wolfram must really be drunk.
I hear a crash of two bodies in the Sage's vicinity which I assume to be Wolfram expressing his gratitude for the giant dessert. There is a crash in the distance... probably the Commander. Voices suddenly cease and silence fills the room before it is broken by His Eminence addressing His Majesty.
"I thought you're not jealous."
"I'm not."
I hear loud whispers replace the silence. Then I hear music.
"Good," His Eminence replies.
"I'm his friend. That's all. And you shouldn't let your friends be taken advantage of when they're drunk."
"I didn't take advantage of him. He's the one who kissed me."
"Well, you looked like you were enjoying yourself too much."
"Shouldn't I?"
"Well... No! I mean he's... he's drunk for goodness sake."
"It didn't bother you when he kissed you while he's possessed."
"What?! That incident has no bearing in this conversation. Besides that-that-that was different! Powers beyond our control were involved."
"It was magical, you mean?"
"What?! No, I mean yes-no-yes. Aarrgh! Murata! It's just not the same!"
"Just because you're the fiancé doesn't mean that you have monopoly on the pleasure of kissing him."
"Yes, it does!"
"Okay, you win Shibuya."
Long pause. "That's not what I meant," the king says mournfully.
Okay, it's getting a little hot in this cake. That's it. I burst out of the cake in an explosion of enthusiasm and icing.
There is clapping and whistles and delightfully surprised faces. I jump on a table and strut and show my stuff.I even let a few lucky soldiers lick some stray icing off. The Commander looks like he's about to have an aneurysm. Lord von Rochefort is shouting angrily at him. Geigen Huber is trying to calm him down. Lord von Wincott is smiling and giving me encouragement. The kiddo is still pouting while Wolfram looks longingly at the ruined cake. Conrart gets over his surprise quickly and starts drinking copious amounts of alcohol before shooting angry glances at me. There are some loud crashes around the room. The small orchestra (where did the orchestra come from?) continues playing. His Eminence has an immense look of satisfaction that says, "mayhem, anarchy, pandemonium, my job here is done".
"He's not going to start stripping, is he?"
Conrart splutters.
I look down at all the buckles and shake my head, "I don't think I can even if I wanted to. Captain, are you okay? Drink go up your nose?"
He nods and motions me to get down off the table. He offers his hand and I jump in his arms.
"Now you've got an armful of me, what are you going to do?"
He blinks at me but doesn't put me down. Instead he stares at Gisela (when did she get here?) and tries to say hello.
"Lord Weller, Yozak..." Gisela stammers blushing. "Um, I was looking for His Excellency Wolfram."
"My dearest, sweetest childhood friend," says the prince as he turns from the cake and strides towards us. "Sweet, sweet Gisela. Have the angels sent you to replace that delicious dessert that was tragically ripped away from me? But that treacly confection is nothing compared to the green ambrosia that greets my eyes."
He grabs her in a strong embrace and he dips her. She yelps in surprise but he continues his exultations, "your gentle friendship is a honeyed tonic that soothes my soul. I love you and all that you do for me, for my king and for my kingdom. Let us swear from today onwards that we shall be boon companions, my sweet Gisela. And let's seal it with the most expressive of all symbols of regard."
Wolfram may be giving her a chaste kiss, but Gisela looks like she's fighting embarrassment and suffocation.
The kiddo looks like he's about to have a heart attack and when Conrart notices him, he drops me on the floor. Ouch!
"Wolfram, you might want to let go of Lady Gisela..."
"Oh, okay."
"Thank you, Lord von Wincott..."
"Wh-wh-wh..."
"What are you doing down there?"
"You dropped me..."
"W-W-Wolf..."
"Yozak, what are you wearing?"
"You just noticed now?"
"Gwendal, please don't hit any more of the soldiers."
"Okay, Hube, stay still so I can hit you."
"C-Conrad... Wolfram, he's... he's... he... kissed..."
"Lord von Voltaire, please don't send any more patients to my office."
Crash.
"Your Ma-Yuuri, are you ok?"
"Yeah, Shibuya, try breathing."
"Lord Weller, please tell Lord Wolfram to see me tomorrow, I need to speak with him."
"Okay Gisela."
"Good night, Gisela."
"Good night, Your Eminence."
"Have I ever told you how gorgeous your blue eyes are?"
"Why, no, Your Excellency Wolfram."
"Yozak, don't encourage him."
"Now, what's he doing!!"
"Shibuya, calm down."
Conrart helps me up and Wolfram wounds his arms around my neck and spouts some mighty sappy poetry in iambic pentameter.
"Beauteous sapphires that shine upon my soul,
Flame hair frames that smile, oh gorgeous smile
That soothes th'injurious suffering and toll
Of life's incessant cruelties and vile
Tragedies. The brilliance that is you call
On love and care to stay and play awhile.
Beauty that can make a few kingdoms fall
By my troth, be treasured, ne'er be defiled!"
"Shall we seal that with a kiss, Your Excellency?"
We do. Which causes an uproar in the Commander's general direction. I hear some struggle and some crashes and Hube yelling and Gwendal growling. I peek and see the king struggling to get away from the Conrart. He marches towards me and the prince, his face purple with rage. I pray the Maou doesn't come out, but I don't end the kiss. He does. By ripping Wolfram off of me.
The king holds onto Wolfram's shoulders, knuckles white, fingers digging hard into the prince. "Wolfram! Stop this, will you! You are no longer allowed to have any alcohol. Do you understand?!"
Conrart puts his hand on the kiddo's shoulder. "Yuuri, let him go. He's drunk, that's all."
The king slaps the Captain's hand away and shakes Wolfram, "No more kissing people, okay?"
"Yuuri... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you jealous."
"I'm not jealous," the king sighs. "Really, I'm... I'm not. I just don't want you doing this."
Wolfram wraps his arms around the king and says, "I love you, Yuuri."
"I know. I know. You love everyone," the king replies as he pats the prince's back.
Wolfram loosens the tight embrace and looks at his quarry. His lips quirk into a smile. "No. There is a vast difference between my love for them and my love for you. But there are no words enough to express it. The love and affection I have for them I can contain within words and symbols created by mortals. But for you... one lifetime is not enough to show you."
"Huh? Wolfram, I-I just... I'm... I... Look, you'll be embarrassed when you remember all this tomorrow. Let's just take you to bed so you can rest and sleep the alcohol off."
"You have a different phrase you use. In your language."
"Phrase? For what?"
"The kind of love I have for you. There's a phrase that you say in your language. The strongest form of love."
"Eh??"
"Aishiteru, Shibuya."
"Aishiteru?"
"Aishiteru, Yuuri."
Wolfram's hands cradles His Majesty's face lovingly. Then he swoops in as His Majesty's eyes popped out of their socket. I guess the kiddo wasn't expecting Wolfram's tongue to play treasure hunt down his throat. The room explodes in applause and catcalls.
I wouldn't call the kiss romantic. But it is certainly different than all the kisses he's given away this evening. It's open-mouthed, sloppy, purposeful and methodical. As if Wolfram is a miner digging for gold and he is determined to get the last piece of nugget out of the mine. Needless to say, it lasts several minutes.
When Wolfram finally releases him, the kiddo just stands there breathless and paralyzed with shock. I hand him a glass and he empties it without a thought. I, also, hand one to Conrart who is shaken out of his usual perfect composure, he just eyes the glass as if he's never seen one before.
Any epiphanies that could have resulted from the shocking display do not come about. Everything stops, the applause, the catcalls, the whistles, the shouting, the yelling, the shocked silence. They all make way for the undeniable presence of one person. It was the Poison Lady herself.
"Gwendal!!" she yells in that unmistakably demanding voice that inspires fear in the souls of mortals.
"Oh gods!!" cries the Commander.
"Anissina, my love!!" cries Lord von Rochefort.
"So this is where you've been. I need to speak with you. No, not you. You!"
"I'll give you Hube and all of Wolfram's personal guards. Take Jean Luc, also. Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Gwendal, I am not your sacrificial lamb. At any rate, that sounds like my cue to go find Nicola and Eru. Good night, everyone."
"Have you gone insane, Gwendal? How much have you been drinking... Lord von Rochefort, please remove your arms off my legs!"
"But Anissina, my love. Why do you spurn me? Can't you see the depth of my feelings? I will grant you anything your heart desires."
"What my heart desires? I don't need a man to provide me with that. Come on Gwendal, I need to speak with you."
"I knew it! Lord von Voltaire has designs to sneak in as the groom on your ceremony tomorrow. Why do you not just admit it then? Why do you make my life painful? Oh that the gods would take pity on this poor soul..."
Anissina takes out what looks like a metal mesh glove out of nowhere and puts it on her right hand. She looks like she is about to punch the poor Lord von Rochefort who is still kneeling in front of her hugging her legs when she is accosted by Wolfram.
"Anissina, dear wonderful Anissina, I want to show my gratitude for all the times you've taken care of my cute daughter all the times that Yuuri and I are gone. I never say this to you, but I really appreciate all that you've done for her. Even though I still think you're a dangerous woman and are not a fit role model for my daughter."
Wolfram pulls her head down and kisses her. It's awkward at best since Lord von Rochefort was still between them, but it's enough to send Gwendal over the table. More headache-inducing chaos ensues.
Lord von Rochefort whines that it is Wolfram all along who is trying to steal Anissina and perhaps he should elope with the Maou as payback. The Commander's body weaves back and forth from the dizziness caused by his sudden acrobatics. He tries to punch someone out of habit and barely misses his brother who backs off from the inventor. Anissina gets fed up and punches Lord von Rochefort who is immediately knocked out cold.
"I guess the Get-Rid-Of-Annoying-Suitors-kun does work."
"Wolfram, stay still, I'm having a difficult time focusing on you."
"Elder brother, I am standing still."
"Wolf, I think it's time that you go to bed."
"But Yuuri, we just started."
The Captain doesn't even ask and grabs one of Wolfram's arms and starts dragging him away. The kiddo follows.
"Well, I suppose we should take the Commander to bed too."
"I am staying here!"
"Yozak, grab his left side, I'll grab the other. Gwendal, if you don't behave, I'll knock you out cold."
Anissina and I maneuver the Commander out of the dining hall while the king and the Captain drag an unwilling Wolfram out. I hear His Eminence and Lord von Wincott converse as we leave.
"I suppose Lord von Rochefort will need to be taken to his room."
"Hmmm... I suppose we'll have to do it."
"Too bad the game ended rather early. What was the final score?"
"I believe it was 22 to 6 in favor of Lord von Voltaire."
"Ah, Wolfram has indeed mellowed out since his engagement."