Chapter Four

Hyde

As I lie on the couch, I feel as miserable as I've never been. I aspire him. When he stood up from my side, and I started not to feel his fingers on me, it made me so desperate that I called after him.

He turned back, and looked at me waiting with that unfathomable look of his. For a moment I wanted him to come back and finish what he started more than anything else... and not to leave me here like this... but he didn't move, and I didn't have enough courage to say out loud what I thought. Maybe it was better like this, because I would have started something unstoppable with that. Something that just mustn't happen.

So at last I just let out an ungainly 'thanks', not as I was aware of what I was saying, and he smiled at me and disappeared in his room. I stayed there alone, with my burning body and the vanilla scent diffusing from my skin. Vanilla again... spinning around my senses whispers luscious things into my ears...

The prickle runs on my back again and again as I think about how I felt his hot breath on me just a couple of minutes ago as he bent over me. His lips were so near my skin that I was waiting in every moment when will they touch me...

I grope to my cigar blindly, then I roll onto my back and light it. I suck the nicotine with closed eyes while I don't even try to make the thoughts tidy in my head. The chaos is to big... there's too much of this new, startlingly prickling feeling... and it seems like I cannot do anything about them.

It seems like a thousand years when the cigarette burns over. I stand up and finish it in the ashtray. My body feels heavy. I have to sleep. I have to escape from the reality. Escape from my aspires.

H&G

If I thought I'll have relief in my dreams, then I'm damn mistaken. Everything I wanted to strangle came over again a thousand times in my subconscious. While I was defenceless in the imprisonment of my dreams, I was making love most rabidly to a man who was as guiltily beautiful as the fallen angels...

When I woke up from the haunting pictures, my body was still soaking wet of the lust's sweat. I haven't felt such urge to rub off since about my twenties, but I felt I was gonna die if I can't suffice now. I was uptight to explosion, in a way that couldn't be calmed down by any cold water.

After all, I go into the washroom, and I feel wobbly like I haven't slept anything at all; it costs at least half an hour to collect myself. When at last I go out to the living room, Gackt isn't anywhere. At least he sleeps well, not that I know to be happy about that or not.

I start to make coffee, which's scent slowly lures out that sexily rumpled, yawning companion of mine. He roots his fingers into his hair, and looks at me with veiled face.
"I love morning sex. It always makes me relaxed."

I thank the heavens I haven't started drinking my coffee yet, because I'd have spit it out right back into the cup. I try to neglect the comment.

"Then, I think a coffee would be good for you."
"Yeah. And a cigar. A very long cigar. That strong type... would you put one into my mouth?" he looks at me with those irritatingly attractive eyes.

Now I can't stand not to remark.

"Hm, was the night that good that you can't even use your hands?" I say while I smile at him innocently.
"You want me to use them?" he looks at me panderly.
"Well, you could use them to drink your coffee" I answer and I shake my head unbelievingly.

I put the coffee into one of his hands, one of my cigars into the other, then I light one for myself.

"You mean them such a boring use" he acts elfish.
"I don't think it's my stuff to tell what to use them for" I shrug.
"That's right, independence is my virtue since my childhood..."
"That's really good, then you can start to dress up independently, then we can go down to the fields" I start to tease him too. "It's nearly noon."
"Aren't I good the way I am?" he looks over himself, then looks at me provocatively.

He fucking knows how good-looking he is! And why does this disturb me so much? Maybe because I'm not able to take my looks off him...

"I'm going to get dressed... then take care of yourself, because I'll wash you off the lane!" he adds with a malicious grin.

He just frays me with his dubious comments, while, if I don't take them seriously, they can be kinda funny at the same time. Just it's not that easy, moreover when you're weighed with famished twinkles. And about how he'll wash me off the lane... well, I'll believe if I see.

It's not even half an hour, and we're sliding down the lines. The wind plays with my hair as I speed, and the feeling of liberty relaxes me at last. Now and here everything that overwhelmed or roiled me seems far away. Now it's just the white snow, the blue sky, and me.

While speeding, I leave all the despairing thoughts, and I let myself into this freeing feeling.I watch as he goes by me, trying to pass me. I can see that he's a bit somebody else too, he lets himself too, as he teases me smiling, while we slide down, competing each other.

I start to think about why he's so rigid. He seems flimsy, but it's nothing more that a really deceptive mask. Even if he smiles, his smile is never that real that would come of his heart, like he'd fear to share it with the world... however, now he tries to win over me like a child.

It isn't easy, as I can doubtlessly move better on the board than him, and I even have the face to tell him so, to make him harassed. Of course then the fervour gets him, and our silly little game gives this sport a new, unknown colour... I feel as young and irresponsible as I haven't for a very long time.

When in the end he still passes me in boarding and cheekily and superciliously grins at me, I decide that he'll get a lesson from me too. An evil smile enters my face while I pick up a handful of snow. Game isn't over yet, Gackt! Now we'll se who's gonna win...
He starts back to the villa, but I call after him:
"Hey, Gackt-kun!"

He barely looks back when my insidious snowball hits him...

Gackt

The snow chills my face as it hit my face.
I blink.

Right, then... a bit of body warm-up won't hurt before the evening. I bend down for a handful of snow, and in the next moment the heavy ball lands on my victim.

He backs: hits me on the shoulder. I back: hit him on his back. He backs: on my legs. I back: on his hands. He backs: on my chest. I back: on his stomach. He backs... oh, fuck it: he hits me on my dick.

I bite my lips in order to not letting the pain enter my face. It seems like he didn't notice where he hit me.

How on Earth am I going to perform in the evening? My own unsuspecting victim digs my trap.

I sign to him, with a strained smile on my face, that it's time to go back into the villa. But maybe my smile isn't strained at all. I enjoyed this little battle. I took everything too seriously in my childhood. My regular game with death distracted my attention from those childish games other children of my age often played. Tcha... they were boring.

The inquiry after death, to fight my battle with him, to get close to him but not fall over: yes, it was exactly the real game for me. I nearly drowned, and after that, an avalanche started in my life... so many things changed in me. Death... and I still wanted to make this untouchable thing mine - and to still stay alive. To feel the same cruel relief, like under the water...

We reach the villa, and both of us go into our rooms. I change my clothes, have a shower... and I conjure perfect looks for myself, which is, to tell the truth, not a challenge.

About an hour long I was in my room.
When I step out, Hyde is standing in the kitchen, and is trying to open up some beer. I raise my eyebrows.

"A man doesn't drink beer. A man drinks vodka!" I denote him not to continue toiling with the opening of the lidded can, and I put a whole bottle of vodka. I screw off its top with one motion. I bring out two glasses, and I pass a fair gob to both of us.

I can see he's backing out a bit.
"No argument!" I tell him in a voice which doesn't accept contest, when I see that he would protest, and I put his glass in front of him.
I clink glasses with him.
"I'm unaccustomed to drinking clear vodka" he says boggling. "I don't really like it, because it's a bit knocking."

I'll knock you out, I smile inside.

"One drift!" I raise my glass, and do as I said.

He does it too, although not with that much enthusiasm, then starts to cough.

"It's awful, I can't imagine what can be likeable about this" he says while lighting a cigarette fast.

What can be likeable about this, is that he'll be debauched by it.

I pass the next portion without thinking, then we sit down on the couch with our glasses. Now comes drinking... continuing... continuing... now comes being drunk... comes laughing... right, let's come now sex.

"How are you two, otherwise?" I ask while putting my head deep into the couch's back, staring at the ceiling.

I hope he understands what I'm talking about.

"You mean Megumi?" he asks vaguely. "We're OK, I think, fair good at this rate."
"The hard star life, isn't it?" I continue staring at the ceiling. "I don't know what you're talking about!" I say with irony.

He laughs.

"It's not easy, that's for sure. Although I try to handle my personal life discretely, it's still having a lot of stress. Well, we had a bit of a quarrel before I came... she didn't really like the idea."

"You quarreled? She wasn't fearing for you because of me, was she?" I laugh.

Of course she hasn't a clue how she should fear for Hyde because of me.

"Why, do you think you're that scary? No, her problem was just that why did I come if I'd still have to leave for the shooting. She just can't understand that while she's at home in the whole year, I'm working round the clock..."
"I still don't know what you're talking about" I laugh again, then I grab my glass and drink the remaining vodka.

The bottle is empty now. I start to see the world otherwise. Everything is so clear, so univocal... that's why it's so dirty. I'm up to something really dirty.

With a movement that seems innocent, I sit closer to Hyde. Now our hands abut.

"Don't you?" he laughs too. "But I heard that you too had a marriage..."
"She wasn't the love of my life... and because of that it didn't last long..."
"Love is relative" he shrugs. "It soon vanishes... or changes into something else."
"Or never has existed" I add coldly.

I look at his direction. Our faces are just a few centimetres far. He looks in front of himself.

"I'm sorry you think like that" he says silently. "Love is rare, as lust and affection often walk on different paths, they're just too different. But sometimes... sometimes, I think, the two feelings meet, and that's the real catharsis."

If the two feelings meet... then that's the real catharsis... I listen up to the last words.
I'd long to know that he knows what he's talking about, at least if it's just about the catharsis of sex. And our two bodies will meet.

I still stare at him. His hair is rumpled. I see that because of the booze.
No... because of the lust.
I have to put it straight... it's as tidy in the reality as rumpled for my eyes, when I'm playing I just put my hands there and set it. A little part of my little plan...

I lift my hand and touch it mellowly, like I'm putting the naughty curl straight.
He looks at me immediately when he feels my touch.

I look deeply into his eyes... I hold him in check with my leer, I don't let him a single moment to turn his head. My fingers, which are still touching his hair, start to go into his ears' direction. I touch his skin softly, and caress his faceline, to his chin... I let my hand stay there for a while, while I can't escape from his eyes.

I see he's opening his sensual mouth to say something, but not a single voice can come out.
My fingers wander upper, and they find his lips. Just touchingly, I caress them. I crave his kiss... and I can see in his alcohol-heavy eyes that he feels the same...

I lean closer to him. Our noses nearly touch. His eyes meet mines. I don't need his permission, I just do what I planned without it.

I do away with the distance between us, and I'm yet feeling his hot mouth. It's soft, so rabidly soft...

First I taste his upper lip... I stroke it gently with mine, then the lower one, I draw a soft line on it with my tongue... then I let myself fully into his mouth... I tour it... not too pretentiously, not in a too low key... directly as my lust wants: voluptuously.

Maybe first I feared he'd protest... he'd push me away... but now it all seems ridiculous. My self-confidence is too big to take a thought like this seriously.
He takes a deep breath. I can feel how he sucks my lips...

It feels so good... too good...

Hyde

My sense is filled with alcohol-steamed mist. Everything is so strange... world has fallen out of its usual channel, limits have vanished... I don't even know what's reality and what's just a dream. A light, soft lip cleaves to mine, and is kissing me like no one ever kissed me before. His tongue walks inside my mouth mellowly, making all of my senses shiver. He's kissing me, and I'm kissing him back, I can't do else, I like this feeling so much. I'm nearly trembling... it makes me warm and takes me within, in my body lust comes to live whimperingly. Lust, the urge to feel as much as I can of this somebody who these crazing lips belong to...

Our tongues meet, sweetly touching each other. I can barely feel the vodka, but it seems really tasty now... I want more of it... as it goes down deeper and deeper, I sigh pretentiously. He feels my crave, and pushes himself on me even more hard.

I open my eyes a little, and behind my half-closed eyelids I can see his beautiful face, as he's dematerializes of the same lust that storms inside me. His eyes closed, he had let himself fully, he hasn't got limits, he can freely play with these feelings... he kisses with full of himself... but I... I cannot give myself. I can't do it, I cant... it doesn't matter how much I want to...

I push him away feebly, and break the kiss.
"Please, don't..." I whisper, but it feels like words ain't come out of my mouth. "Don't do something we'll both regret later."

My throat is dry. I don't dare look at his eyes, because I'd immediately break.

"Your own faith will be your undoing" I hear his low but yet crisp answer.

I'm too much drunk to answer anything to that. I stand up and desperately try to get over the dizziness. My legs are weak, much, much more weaker than I expected them to be. I don't really know if it's because of the alcohol, or the lust I feel... I nearly faint.

"I have to go to bed" I mutter like an idiot, and I start to go to my room.

I haven't a clue how did I manage to here, but suddenly I was in the room, shut between the safety of the four walls' solitude. I flop down to the bed, and grab my hair, then start to tear them. How could it happen? How could I let way to a recrudescence like this? How could I let things deteriorate this much? How can I be such an asshole?!

He bewitches me, I can't deny those dark eyes, and I could pour into his hands like a little filly... I'm pathetic... I'm weak... I can still feel his kisses on my lips, as he touched me with them... and this touch's memories don't let me... again and again, they come up... just not to let me relax. I still feel dizzy... what is this swirl that gets me and doesn't let out? It drifts me, further and further from the myself I was before I met him...