Disclaimer: The usual. I own nothing but your souls. I mean...my horrible plot.

A/N: insert caring, kind words here

Oh! First review! YAY! Thank you for the review, Williams. I know this is twisted, (and believe me I'm trying to make it have some sense to it) but hopefully it will become funnier. I have the whole thing planned out and it will be pretty long. (Chapter-quanity-wise. I know the actual length of the chaps aren't that long.) Anyways, thanks for reading! (after the end of songs I'm just going to put ----- from now on.)

Am I spelling Quirrell wrong? Is it one r?? idk.

Oh, did I forget to mention there are cameos in this? hehe.

Chapter Four: Groovy Men in Fishnet Stockings

Random Narrator: We left off in the Great Hall. Hermione, Ron, and Harry were contemplating as angsty teens did.

"I'm not angsty," Harry said.

Hermione glanced at him, "What are you talking about?"

"I heard someone say we were angsty."

Ron jumped into the conversation. "I heard it too. I think we have a narrator now."

"Narrator? Dammit, Ron! What else will go wrong because of your waterfall palms?" Hermione said like an angsty teen.

"Attention everyone!" Dumbledore boomed. "Now that our groove is on, our blood is flowing, and our excitement is at a peak, it is time to bring out Sevannah Snape. She has many surprises for us tonight, so please show your gratitude. Without any further adue, Snape!"

"First of all, Albus," A silky, familiar voice spoke from behind a wall, "I'm not a woman. You don't have to refer to me as a 'she.' And my name is not Sevannah. That's the nickname Ginny gave me when I was talking about tonight's surprises. She thought it was cute. So, I can introduce myself, if you don't mind..."

"Go right ahead, Snape. The floor is yours." Dumbledore sat down and smirked.

As some background music was heard, Severus Snape walked in front of the Head table. He was wearing a black corsette, black garter belt, black fishnet stockings, and leather underwear. Hermione nearly fainted in disgust and pleasure.

Snape starts singing: How do you do? I see you've met my faithful headmaster. He's just a little caught up because he really wants to kill that Voldy bastard. Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a spell by it's caster. I'm one hell of a man, by the light of day. And by night you can call me the 'master.'

I'm just a sweet transvestite. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

Let me bewitch and bind your eager minds. You all look like you're ready for me. But if you want something magical, that's not too practical, I can show you why they call Albus 'groovy.'

Harry: This is extremely wrong. Will we be here for long? We should be worried about Voldy.

Hermione (Too hypnotized by Snape's appearance.): Goodnight.

Harry: We'll just find a new turner, should have thought of this sooner. We'll survive now if we hurry.

Snape: So you're best wand broke. Well, that's no joke. Oh students, don't you panic. By the light of night, it'll be alright. I'll get you a magic mechanic.

I'm just a sweet transvestite. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

As it's All Hallow's Eve, I'll give you a peek of my new favorite obsession. I've been changing a boy, from a weakling with blonde hair and a tan, to a man who's good for relieving my ... tension.

I'm just a sweet transvestite. From the ensaring potions dungeon. (Hit hit!)

I'm just a sweet transvestite. From the ensaring potions dungeon.

So, come down to my lab, and see what's on the slab. You'll all feel a magical sensation. But maybe the troll wasn't really to blame. So I'll remove the cause . . . but not the symptom!

--------

"Ok, what's with all the singing?" Ron scowled. "And what's with Snape in drag? And why-"

"Ron, shut up." Harry felt like screaming, but supressed it. (Just like angsty, emo boys tend to do.)

Hermione smiled and said, "You know, Snape doesn't look too bad like that. It's kinky."

"Can we leave now?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Oh," she woke from her trance, "yeah. I'm not sure if the effects of the Time-Turner are going to drag on into where we end up next. So . . . Keep a level head on and play along if we end up somewhere crazy. We obviously can't defeat Quirrell here. Everything's too out in the open. Let's go."

"Oh, Draco!" Yelled Snape in joy. "In just seven minutes, I can make you a man!"

Draco stood next to his Potions Master wearing nothing but a golden pair of underwear. He seemed lost. "Ugh."

"Yep. When we see Draco in golden underwear, it's time to go." Voiced Ron jokingly.

The trio cautiously walked their way out of the Great Hall. Hermione pulled out the Time Turner.

"Let's not get nervous now." Said Harry with a clever grin on his face.

They each took a hold of the chain as Hermione spun it forwards once. Instantly, they were enveloped by a fog of black. The sensation was familiar and not hard to cope with. They all felt a little dizzy at first, but were soon able to see straight again. They landed softly onto the floor of the same hallway. None of them knew exactly where they were in time, only that it was daylight.

"Oh no, it really is messed up. We're supposed to arrive at night time. I guess we can't pinpoint as I planned. Oh well, it'll do." Hermione wasn't discouraged, despite the problems.

Random Narrator: They land in the hallway confused. Harry begins to think of a new plan. He asks Hermione why she doesn't just get a new Time-Turner.

"Why don't you just get a new Time-Turner?" Harry asked, feeling slight de-ja-vu.

"Where will I find one in this distorted Hogwarts, Harry? Even if I find one now, it will screw everything up even more. What if it's the one Dumbledore gives to me in our third year? And if I take the one from me, I'll never have had it. So if we do defeat Voldemort, it would have never happened because the Time-Turner will disappear and create a time paradox, killing us all!" Hermione became flustered and breathed in deep to try and calm herself.

Ron patted her on the back and said, "It'll be ok. We'll get out of here."

"Now," She continued softly, "we will find out where in time we are and go from there. If we can slowly bump ourselves into the future, present for us, we might be able to fix the turner."

"I'm in," Harry said triumphantly.

"Bloody hell." Ron laughed, "I guess I'm in too."

"Good, now let's go."

"Where?" Asked Ron.

They ignored him and headed towards Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Maybe they could prevent the younger Harry from taking Tom Riddle's Diary. And if they could destroy it themselves, then all would be solved and saved. Hurrah!

"Alright," Hermione explained, "I'll peek in to make sure no one's in there and then we'll go in. Hopefully Harry hasn't already found the diary."

"But even if we prevent Harry from taking it, we're still too late to help Ginny." Ron was right.

Hermione argued, "Ginny wouldn't matter to Voldy if he couldn't drag Harry into it. Remember, that's why he lured Harry into the diary in the first place. It was all a ploy to get him into the Chamber of Secrets. So, Ron, your ugly mouth is wrong again."

"Harsh." Blurted Harry, hiding a laugh.

Not caring if Ron had a reply, Hermione went into the girls' lavatory. The coast was clear. Ron and Harry followed her inside.

"Everything seems pretty normal." Harry observed.

"Yeah," Said Hermione, "but we haven't seen anyone yet. Of course the environments are going to stay fine."

"You guys always speak too soon." Ron pointed to an open stall.

There floated Moaning Myrtle, head drooped slightly. She was wearing a long dress and her hair was down.

Myrtle (sings to herself): Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow.

"So she's wearing a dress? That's not very disturbing. Let's find that diary." Without any notice, Hermione searched all the stalls, and found nothing. "Dammit! What're we to do now?"

"First," Ron suggested, "we should get out of this bathroom. I hate that song."

Before they could even move, Bill Pullman rushed into the bathroom with a concerned look on his face. He rushed over to Myrtle.

Bill caught his breath and declared, "Princess! I've come to save you with my courageous bravery and power of the Swartz."

Random Narrator (to Bill): Bill, you're in the wrong movie again. I think you're looking for stage three-hundred-eighty-two. That's no princess. That's a depressed ghost.

"Oh, sorry. Carry on." Bill glanced around before exiting the bathroom.

Hermione let out a long sigh and nagged, "Oh, come on!"

The three of them ventured out of the bathroom and towards the grand Staircase.

"Why are we going upstairs?" Asked Harry.

"To stop you from using that journal." It seemed that Hermione always knew what to do, even if it wasn't right.

Ron felt like picking a fight, but decided against it. Instead, he said, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"What?" Harry turned to face his pal.

"Nothing." Ron mumbled and continued to put up with his growing hatred for scar-boy.