Dsiclaimer: I do not own Time Splitters or HP ((Or half a line from 300)) . . .Or Will Smith
A/N: Hey, I hope you guys get the video game references in here. Time Splitters. Oh, by the way, this is set before the war even started. I am in no way, shape, or form messing with book six or seven. And yes, this is a shortfic.
Chapter 6: Marvolo's Underground
The venture to the bathroom was amusing, as the younger threesome were high, Gilderoy was giddier than a child on Christmas, and yet everything else seemed normal. Hermione, Ron, and Harry were thankful they had a break from the singing and dancing portion of the journey. Unfortunately, the time-turner was still broken, and no one had any idea how to fix it. Generally, things were running pretty rocky, but threw nothing the group couldn't handle.
"Alright," Hermione advised, "we stay out of the bathroom for a few minutes so they don't see us. Then, we go in and destroy Tom's diary right away so that younger Harry doesn't get harmed."
"But that doesn't really change anything," Ron blurted, "We still have to kill Voldy before he makes that stupid Triwizard Trophy a portkey."
"Shut up, Ron." Harry said, trying to listen intently to Hermione.
"No," Hermione interjected, "Ron's right. But at least we can shorten this battle for you, Harry. Our next chance would be the portkey. Actually, that would be the only other possible spot in time to completely overthrow Voldemort and save any lives that were lost, namely Cedric."
A pang of pain took hold of Harry's stomach. Poor Cedric had been murdered right in front of him. There was nothing he could do during that helpless moment. Now that Hermione had brought up the portkey, Harry's adventurous side dominated any other feeling in his body. In front of him was the chance to make something better with his best friends at his side.
Moments passed again, pulling on everyone's patience. The time came soon to go into the bathroom. As usual, Hermione went first, followed by her two friends. They surrounded the sink, remembering those years ago when they had to do this exact task. Harry recalled the words he said in parseltongue to open the Chamber of Secrets.
"Here we go again." Harry said more to himself than anyone else.
Ron bursted out in song, "Here I go again on my own."
"Do you really have to ruin this silence?" Hermione shot a glance at Ron.
They entered one by one into the chamber, sliding down the familiar pipe and landing in a pile of bones.
Harry spoke first once everyone regained composure. "I have to say, I don't miss this part of my past. Well, it's now or never, let's go."
They walked together deeper into the chamber. A sudden burst of light emerged from what would have been the Chamber of Secrets. Instead, Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked right into an underground dance club. To the right of them stood a bright green sign that read, Marvolo's Underground.
"There's too many students to count," Said Harry.
Hermione sighed. She shouted, "This is madness!"
"This is not madness," Ron grunted. "This is Hogwarts!"
"Wow," Harry spoke quietly. "Just wow."
Onto the dance floor they went, making sure not to be seen by their younger selves.The music pounded loudly, the bass running through the souls of their feet. Ron was the first to succumb to the power of a rock song, jumping up into the polluted air. Hermione guessed someone had drugs nearby from the odd smell lingering in her nose.
"Welcome!" A voice boomed in the air. "This is my dance club, Marvolo's Underground."
Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked towards the front of the club. Tom Riddle stood on a small stage with Ginny Weasley next to him, slouching over as if she were sedated.
"-And this," Tom continued. "is my bitch, Ginny! Fifty Galleons an hour, for those who are interested."
"My sister!" Ron squealed. "She's a prostitute? How dare he-"
"Ron," Hermione interjected. "Don't interfere with the environment here. We obviously can't do anything about it."
Harry blurted, "We can save her. Do you guys have any money on you?"
"You aren't going to touch her, Harry." Ron yelled.
Hermione said, "No, Ron. He wants to save her. But you both know we can't do that. It's not Ginny we're after. It's You-Know-Who. You already saved Ginny, Harry. We just need to focus on getting out of here now that we decided to go after Voldy and the Portkey."
"True 'dat, yo." Said Ron like a rap star.
Out of nowhere, Will Smith and Cortez from Time Splitters emerged from the dancing croud. Will Smith's began to sing as he and Cortez danced.
Will sang: I'm the party starter. You might have a good time, but we party harder.
Cortez: Tell the DJ to play my shit. When it's done, baby, it's time to split.
Hermione pushed her two friends away from the scene. "It's time to leave."
"You mean it's time to split," said Ron.
Cortez approached the trio. He held onto a black suitcase and placed it on the floor.
"Open it and divide them amongst yourselves. It's almost time." Cortez spoke in a serious tone. He then walked away as if nothing happened.
Harry spoke with enthusiasm, "Let's see what it is."
"Probably a boggart," Hermione suggested.
Ron dove for the suitcase and pried it open. The trio gazed with confusion at the contents inside. Three weapons ached to be picked up and used. Hermione, being half-blood, knew the names to these weapons from action movies she'd watched during Summer vacation.
"Attention everyone!" Tom's voice boomed through the club. "It's time for our annual Basilisk hunt where I give you all a fair chance to defend yourselves against my pet before becoming his dinner or his petrify victim. Even though you are all pretty drugged right now, this is fair play. Your weaponry is being handed out right now by our head Basilisk leader, Cortez. Let the games begin!"
"What?" Ron squealed. "I can't use that! We're goners for sure."
Harry said, "Let's just use the time-turner and get the hell out of here."
"We can't. We have to make sure younger Harry doesn't die. He has to be the one to kill the Basilisk. Judging from our earlier view, Harry is as high as a kite." Hermione hated the idea of carrying a weapon.
Harry picked up a Magnum-Charger, which was a futuristic weapon with lazer-beam bullets. Hermione shot a glance at Ron before grabbing the flamethrower. There was no way in Merlin's grave she would allow Ron the privelage of handling such fire-power. Since there was no choice, Ron picked up a simple pistol.
Random Narrator: So the trio saught for the Basilisk. They felt pretty useless however. In fact, they felt as useless as Ron's genetalia. Actually, Ron's genetalia was as unnecessary as a six-hundred lb. woman's diet soda to go with her fast food order.
"What the hell, mate?" Ron shouted towards the sky.
Harry began to laugh. "That was good, you must admit."
Random Narrator: Thanks, Harry. I haven't forgotten about you three. Cough. They continued to run around frantically setting things on fire, shooting, and dodging attacks. Since the Basilisk was nowhere to be found, Hermione decided to order their departure. She always liked doing things her way. Deep in her heart, Hermione was a masochistic dominatrix who wanted nothing more than to be Queen for a day and spontaneously whip people or chain them naked to a wall.
Ron dropped his pistol and laughed loud enough to wake the dead. Harry followed suit and literally fell to the floor laughing. Hermione galred at the two and took out the Time-Turner. It was time to get away from the drug infested insanity once and for all.
"Alright boys," She spoke firmly. "I can't see this go on any further. We're out of here."
She wrapped the turner around Ron and Harry's heads while they continued to laugh. She spun it a few times and they were off into the darkness.
Random Narrator: If this seems at all a bit out of hand, I appologize . . . But I must say that Harry's scar seems to move with each year and I'm starting to wonder if it's even real.
Harry stopped laughing. "Of course it's real!"
"He's right," Ron replied. "It does move a lot."
"Oh shut up."