Wounds That Never Heal

by LaraSGCLena

Sam has some bad memories of her childhood…Jack’s there to help her deal with the pain.

TITLE: Wounds That Never Heal

AUTHOR: Lara

E-MAIL: Lara_

STATUS: Complete.

CATEGORY: Romance, angst, Sam's POV

SPOILERS: none

SEASON/SEQUEL: n/a

RATING: NC-17 not for sex although adult subjects

CONTENT WARNINGS: A bit heavy topic like alcoholism, violence and death. A none Stargate-related member dies

PAIRING: Sam and Jack

ARCHIVE: Yes, please.

FEEDBACK: It helps :)

SUMMARY: Sam has some bad memories of her childhood…Jack's there to help her deal with the pain.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate and the characters don't belong to me. They belong to MGM, ShowTime and Gekko Corp. I also don't own the songs featured in this story. They're from: Linkin Park (Crawling), Meatloaf (Oh, For Crying Out Loud) and Guano Apes (Open Your Eyes). Don't sue me for borrowing them…I didn't mean to offend anyone.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The whole story is Sam's POV.

HUGE THANKS to: Lucie, Lena, NE, Ro, Vicky, Callista, Poema, Kath, Sandy, Tiffany, Kim and Kelly for talking to me and helping me through some very hard times when I needed it the most! Thank you sweeties!! I luv ya!! I also dedicated this story to all the survivors and the one's who are still fighting!! Special thanks to Lena and Ro…they were my inspirations for writing this as it was very hard but it helped my healing process.*** Lenore, Daniel and Wesley, I know that God took you back to heaven but this one's for you!***

~*~SJ~*~SJ~*~SJ~*~SJ~

A long time ago

"Hey, Sammie. Did you see that new guy in school? He's such a cutie!"

I laugh, shake my head and softly kick my horse to encourage it to go faster while I guide it through the trees of the forest.

Lenore and I have been best friends for three years now. We are always together, nothing can separate us. Best friends forever, yet so different. Lenore's an outgoing person with a big mouth; she's impulsive and very popular with the guys. She's tall, thin and her hair and eyes are dark brown.

I, on the other hand, am the total opposite of her. I'm always careful and I think before I do something. Many people say I'm quiet but I know how to defend myself! And I only have one dream; to join the Air Force. Friends think that I'm crazy but I don't care.

I only care for what Lenore thinks of me because she's like a sister to me. Yeah, we are the greatest.

"Hello?! Earth to Sam. Yoo-hoo!"

I push my thoughts aside and look at Lenore riding on her horse beside me.

"Huh? What?!"

I see Lenore shake her head, like she always does when I don't pay attention to her.

"I asked you if you saw that new guy in school? Don't you think he's a total hotty?! You just have to look in those blue eyes of his and you melt right where you're standing."

Smiling, I look beside me and give her a shrug.

"I guess…doesn't he have a girlfriend?" I ask, interested, but not wanting to be too obvious about it.

Lenore gives a little yelp when a branch almost hits her in the face; because of her quick reaction she had avoided it. She always surprises me with her quickness. I watch her as she brushes her tousled hair out of her face and look at me with a raised eyebrow. Yep, here goes.

"Do I sense some interest?"

Damn, she knows me too well.

"No…just healthy curiosity."

"You sure? I'd say-"

I take a deep breath, let it escape my mouth again to let it sound like a sigh.

"I don't have a crush on him, if that's what you're thinking."

Lenore chuckles, clearly knowing me and expecting the answer.

"Well, he does on you."

I stop my horse and frown at my friend's back. "You're kidding…right?!"

Lenore also stops her horse, turns it and lets it walk until it is standing kind of in front of me. "Oh, well. It doesn't matter because you're not interested in him." She gives me a grin. "But if you admit that you are, then maybe I'll tell you what he said about you."

My horse starts to graze, clearly bored. I take my attention away from it to look at my friend beside me who is grinning like a mad man.

"Okay, you have me. I'm interested…so what did he say about me?"

"Well, I'll tell you when we're moving again. Standing still is no fun for the horses."

I nod and smile. "Let's move quickly because I'm dying to know!"

"I know." She says, sits upright and kicks her horse softly.

"Hey," I hear her say. I turn back to see Lenore's horse taking off back to the house. This was wrong, horribly wrong. Her horse was so loyal it would never run away like that! I immediately set my horse into a gallop and I try to reach Lenore.

I brace myself for all the branches hitting my face as I'm running through wooded forest. They hurt like hell but I don't care as my only thoughts are with Lenore, who is screaming her lungs out.

Fear sinks in my stomach as I see her horse kick wildly in the air.

This isn't happening. Yelling at my horse to go faster, my heart goes out to her as I know, she's gonna be thrown off.

I'm almost near her as we reach the house at full speed.

"Lenore! Try to hold on!" I yell, letting her know that I'm getting closer to her.

I get tears in my eyes when I hear her screams for help…but I'm too far away.

"Sam! Help me, please!"

"Come on, faster...faster," I scream at my horse but I know that it's getting tired.

We are only a hundred yards away from the house and my heart sinks into my shoes as I see Lenore's horse run right at the wall.

"Turn her!! Make her stop!!" I'm screaming so loud that my voice breaks.

"I can't, she won't listen!"

I see her reach the wall and everything seems to happen in slow motion.

"NO!" I hear myself scream as I see Lenore's horse stop abruptly and kick it's behind up high in the air.

I see her fly off the horse. My lungs hurt as I'm not breathing anymore. The world around me changes as I can hear her horrible cry that sends shivers through my whole body…her cry…the sound of bones breaking.

She lands lifeless on the ground as I throw myself off my still running horse…I hit the ground hard and I know I've broken some ribs but I get up…drag myself to her.

"Lenore?" Lenore, oh God honey?"

I can only whisper as I crouch to her and take her on my lap. I hug her to me but she doesn't react. I want to brush her hair away but I stop when I see that my hand is red. I gently trace her body with my hands…blood. So much blood. NO!

"Help! Help, somebody please…help me!" I start to cry so hard that it's getting hard for me to breathe. I cradle her to me as my tears run down my face.

I hear someone approaching. I turn and see a woman standing in shock…her stepmother.

I see her starting to cry but she runs back into the house.

I enter a world where only Lenore and I exist. I feel pain in my heart and I feel empty. A piece in my heart breaks as I hear it pounding fast in my ears. "Lenore?" I ask, wanting her to react to me, to smile and tell me that this wasn't real…but she doesn't.

I hear the sirens of the ambulance from far away. Someone lays a hand on my shoulder and another pulls Lenore out of my arms but I don't want to let go of her. She needs me…and I need her.

After a small struggle I open my arms and let them take Lenore. I look at them and follow them in a trance when they place her on a gurney.

I watch them trying to breathe life in to her. My knees buckle but I'm still hoping. My mind tells me it's over but my heart tells me to hope. So, I keep hoping.

After what seemed like ages, they stop. No, they can't stop. They have to help her. I run up to them, feeling pain in my chest. "NO!"

Someone grabs me hard and pulls me back. I struggle to break free as I can see them cover her with a white blanket…red spots coloring the cloth.

I have to throw up…I do but I don't turn. I'll never turn my back to Lenore. I never did, she always guided me, walked in front of me…close to my heart.

The ambulance rides away and I fall to the ground. I hide my face in my hands as I start to cry harder. The sobs hurting my broken ribs.

I brush my tears away and look at the place where she had fallen.

Blood. God, there was blood everywhere.

NO PLEASE NOT AGAIN!!

Present 2001

I scream and wake up to find myself alone in my bed. My pillow soaked with my tears and the blankets wet with my perspiration. Oh, I haven's had a nightmare about that for ages. This last week I have had nightmares more frequently. The first one had been about Lenore, just like this one. It was the beginning of a whole series of nightmares; Lenore dying, my dad not wanting to love me, one of his friends beating me.

I feel scared and depressed. Why did this all happen to me? Did I deserve this?! I feel tears coming up again and I kick my blankets angrily away as I get up.

When I'm standing I try to calm myself as I begin to feel lightheaded.

After a few deep breaths it gets better and I walk out of my room to descend the stairs.

I look up at the clock hanging on the wall; 05.30. No wonder it's still dark.

Darkness…something I loved as a child because I could hide in it…hide the many tears I cried.

Tears, the same tears that are rolling down my cheeks right now; tasting like salt when they reach my mouth.

I cry because I'm an Air Force officer and I can't handle my own feelings though I was trained to but that didn't help at all. It feels like I'm sinking in this puddle of problems and that the hands of death are pulling me under…letting the water close over my head.

I feel empty like I have no friends. I know I have but they wouldn't understand.

Feelings of anger boil up along with the need to feel alive again, so I walk to the phone in my living room.

There is only one man I can think of that can make me feel alive again.

I know the risks of letting him in on my vulnerability, but right now I don't care. I need him more now than I have ever been willing or able to admit.

Feeling brave enough, I pick up the blue receiver and dial his phone number that I know by heart.

"Hiya, campers. This is the answering machine of Jack O'Neill. I'm not home right now. If your name is Samantha, Daniel, Teal'c, Janet or George then I'll call ya back ASAP. If not don't count on it…beep."

I scream while getting tears in my eyes again and throw the receiver down in a mad fit.

Well then, I'll have to search for an alternative. Something I did in my childhood and which I'm not proud of doing but right now it is all I have.

I walk to my stereo and place a CD in the CD player and push on the play button. Brushing my tears away, I turn up the volume as high as it goes. I can hear the CD being scanned and I smile when music blares out of the speakers.

In a moment of peace, I close my eyes but then turn and walk into my kitchen.

Feeling slightly guilty, I take a bottle of whiskey out of the refrigerator and open it, bringing it up to my lips. I drink…I drink until I can't take it anymore as I feel the whiskey burn into me, ending in my stomach.

Still tasting the bitterness, I swallow and close my eyes, feeling a little bit tipsy.

I feel alive again, especially when I feel the burning pain in my stomach.

Reaching out to the table, I lean onto it, feeling myself sway a little. I listen to the words of the song and try to concentrate on them as they never made sense to me but now suddenly they do.

"Open your eyes, open your mind. Proud like a god don't pretend to be blind. Trapped in yourself break out instead, beat the machine that works in your head."

I smile as I understand the words and take another pull from my whiskey bottle.

Hearing the next song coming up, I make my way to the living room again with the bottle still in my hand like a guardian.

I shake my head and let it fall back while I close my eyes. Knowing the words by heart, I start to yell them barely sounding above the loud music.

"Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal."

Heal…I wish I could heal myself. How do I do that?!

"Fear is how I fall, confusing what is real."

Yes, fear. The strongest emotion I had had back then. I am afraid to let go and afraid to let someone in my heart to heal me. Why do we feel fear?! Is it going to help a student to pass his exams? Does it help someone to get on a plane without being afraid?! Oh, yeah. Fear exist so we don't go too far…so we can see our limits.

"I can't seem to find myself again, my walls are closing in."

My feelings exactly. Who am I? Am I that brave major that fears nothing or am I little Sammie, scared and afraid to show any emotions?

"I've felt this way before, so insecure."

Yes, back than when I was ten. It's all coming back to me, slapping me in the face and it hurts as bad as the slaps I had to endure when I was younger.

Shaking my head and drinking again, I try to suppress my thoughts and scream as hard as I can with the words. Screaming them, the fear, frustration and anger in me.

"Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. It's haunting how I can't seem to find myself again. CRAWLING IN MY SKIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEA-"

I stop abruptly as I sense another presence. Someone is watching me.

I open my eyes and my heart stops at the sight in front of me. The bottle of whiskey falls out of my hand and it crashes to the ground, shattering in a hundred pieces.

Jack.

My knees feel weak and I wobble to the back corner of the room. Shielding myself in the dark…trying to shield myself from him.

I start to rock myself as I can see Jack striding to the stereo and turning the sound now to zero.

Tears now run freely down my face as I tried to shield it with both hands. I'm scared as I feel myself slip into a hypnotic state and my mind goes into overdrive.

Flashbacks race through my mind. Lenore's cry…hitting the wall, me holding her in a big puddle of blood; my dad pushing me away when I opened my arms, mom's death, my ex boyfriend beating me over and over again…and blood…so much blood.

"NO PLEASE NOT AGAIN!"

I hear the words I just said although they don't seem to come out of my mouth.

"Sam?!"

I hear him from only far away. I can feel his eyes on me but I don't want to see him. I want to be alone.

Gently I feel a hand taking one of mine and I flinch. I push his hand away and squirm my body into a smaller ball.

I'm afraid and I'm glad when he doesn't retry but I know he's close to me as I feel his body heat and hear his breathing.

"Sam, please. What's wrong? Talk to me."

He's pleading and I can hear he's desperate. How can I tell him what's wrong…he doesn't understand.

"Please, Sam. I…I heard your scream on my answering machine. I was sick with worry, Sam. I drove here as fast as I could and when I arrived here, your music was playing so loud that some of your neighbors were on the street…."

Still not looking at him, I try to control my sobs.

"God, 'please', Sam. Talk to me, don't shut me out…I care for you…I want to help."

I cry harder as his words have such an effect on me. I'm hurt…and scared…and I'm feeling guilty. I can hear fear in his voice and something else. That something I'm afraid of but…that I need to heal.

I hear him get up and then his footsteps walking away from me.

A CD-case being opened and I hear that he puts a CD in. There's a moment of complete silence as I only hear myself sob.

A few seconds later I can hear music. It's playing so softly that I can still hear Jack's footsteps close to me and I feel his body heat, telling me that he is very near.

He starts to sing to the words of the song, hard enough to come above the soft music.

I stop rocking as I listen intensively to his words and the meaning of them. "I was lost till you were found but I never knew how far down I was falling before I reached the bottom."

My sobs subside and I quietly sniff to listen to his magical singing.

"For taking in the rain when I'm feeling so dry. For giving me the answers when I'm asking you why. My of my, for that I thank you."

My tears are drying up as I look at him for the first time since he arrived.

"Don't you know, for that I need you. You got to know, for that I serve you. Oh, Lord, for that I hold you. Ah but most of all, For crying out loud, for that I love you. When you're crying out loud, you know I…love…you."

He said the words in a mere whisper and the song ended.

I gaze at him. He's only staring at me…not saying a word. I search his eyes and see his fear, his care and love. I know I surprise him when I open my arms, just like a little child would do with its mother.

He takes me in his arms and presses my body against him.

Still sniffing I put my arms around him, a sudden need to be held overwhelming me. Although I feel a little scared I also feel the greatest feeling ever suppressing all the bad memories: Jack's love for me.

I can't tell him I love him yet. I need time for that…I need time to heal. My fingers dig in his back as I cry softly and I feel his hand caressing my back.

"Hush, Sam. Let it all out. I'm here and if you feel ready to tell me your pain then I'll listen."

I press my face against his warm neck, squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate on that wonderful feeling in my body. "I…I need time." I say answering his last question.

Jack waits for me to pull back out of the embrace and he softly…tenderly lays a hand on my left cheek.

I lean in to the warmth of his touch and look at his beautiful eyes.

"As long as it takes, Sam. I'm not going anywhere."

Present time 2003

"Janet, you're a doctor. Can't you help it?!"

"Daniel, as much as I'm a doctor I don't know how to repair a broken wing…okay I'm coming."

I watch Janet and Daniel with a smile on my face. They both have good hearts and I'm glad they are my friends. The same friends who had helped me through my misery two years ago.

I smile when I remember the day Jack had found me with a whiskey bottle in hand. He had stayed with me until I felt like talking. After a few hours I collected my thoughts and told him everything.

He occasionally pulled me against him because it had taken a lot out of me. After all that he convinced me to tell the others and I did.

They were shocked but helped me through it. After our conversation, Jack had stayed at my house…to help me heal…he stayed for five weeks. Day after day only caring for me.

He taught me to laugh again…to love again.

He and the others had pulled me out of my puddle again as the hands of death couldn't reach me.

"Hey, Baby. Watching our favorite docs at work?"

I turn to Jack and smile as he comes to stand behind me, putting his arms around me. I lean against him with contented sigh as he nuzzles my neck.

When my wounds were mostly healed with his love, I could finally tell him that I loved him…after a year.

He had asked me carefully if I wanted to marry him and there was no doubt when I said yes. We moved both my and his things as he had lived with me to help me with the healing process.

I smile and think of my friends, as they were my strength to heal.

END. Thank you for reading.