Zack and Sephiroth…..M.D…….!

Disclaimer: Square Enix owns the characters, I just play with them.

Warning: Language, some gross medical stuff as they get "edumacated".

AN: What if Zack had been able to save his General from falling off the deep end at Nibelheim? The great war with Wutai was over, so now what? The powers that be decide these two merit a special education…off to Shinra Medical School!

AN#2: Okay, so I skipped ahead a couple of years. Given how irritating medical students can be in lecture hall, Sephiroth would have lost it by now, no doubt eclipsing the incident at Nibelheim in an explosion of blackened lab coats and highlighters. I have filed that particular fantasy for personal use in lieu of studying. For those not medically-inclined, "GI" means "bowel". Told you there was some gross medical stuff...

Chapter 5 - Interlude and...E.R.!!

"Hey."

Sephiroth had spent the last hour running through kata after kata. He and Zack still had free access to the Level 49 Training Room, which he frequently used to work out his frustrations with being a medical student. He hadn't lost much of his skill, but he felt a little rusty. The last two years had consisted mainly of sitting on his ass reading, memorizing and regurgitating seemingly useless minutiae for testing purposes. He slowed his movements, and sheathed the Masamune.

"Are you ready for tomorrow, Seph?"

"I don't know." Tomorrow, they were to begin their hospital training. Tomorrow, they were going to be responsible for real patients. Tomorrow, Sephiroth reasoned, was going to suck.

"I can't believe they started us out in the E.R.! The glory, saving lives, getting to say 'Clear' – we're going to be the sexiest people in the hospital."

"We're about to become the most useless people in the hospital, Zack. We have no idea what to do. Even the janitor has a job."

"Yeah, but the janitor doesn't get to say 'Clear!' I bet it's going to be an amazing day, hands down!" Sephiroth had a moment of foreboding as his friend bounced exuberantly. He socked him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. Zack dropped like a sack of bricks.

"Get some sleep." Sephiroth walked away.

"Come on, man! I'm prepared! I got a whole case of caffeine energy drink thingies for those long nights. They really work!"

ER

Amidst the chaos of the Shinra Hospital's Emergency Department, Zack Fair was busily scanning the new charts. "Diarrhea…nail fungus…rash…nosebleed…chest pain…discharge…chest pain…itchy teeth…" Frustrated, he ignored them and swung his feet up on the desk. "Geez, Seph, nothing good. Whatever happened to 'Ambiguous Genitalia'?"

Sephiroth couldn't understand how Zack could retain his disturbing fascination with genitalia after having been through two years of medical school. Far too many terrible things happened to the nether regions, most of which he could have lived happily without ever knowing; their professors seemed to take perverse pleasure in showing them the worst of it.

"Oh, hey man - look at this! It says 'Foreign Body'! I bet it's some hot model from overseas." Zack took off, only to come back running to the nursing station twice as fast. "Seph, that old guy just squeezed a Stubby bottle outta his ass." Sephiroth did his best to forget what had just been said.

In the meantime, the Silver General had done his duty. He had picked up a chart, seen his patient, asked relevant questions, performed a physical exam without killing anyone, written a note, and had even formed a decent differential diagnosis. He began his presentation to his ER attending.

"Mr. Parks is a 68 year old man with a history of irritable bowel disease, presenting with GI bleeding….."

"Did you look?"

Sephiroth balked at the interruption. Zack's wind was up.

"What do you mean, look?"

"Sephiroth, when a patient has a lower GI bleed, it is of vital importance to determine what is bleeding. The first step is to have a look."

"You are asking me to look at my patient's anus?" Zack had to stuff a whole wad of gauze in his mouth to keep from laughing himself into hysterics.

"That's the first step. You'll also have to take a sample and test for blood. Go put some gloves on; I'll get the rectal lubricant and the test strip. We can discuss your findings once you're finished."

"Lubricant….?" Sephiroth looked absolutely outraged. Howling laughter could be heard from the washroom nearby.

Revolted, the silver-haired man nevertheless made his way back to his patient. The mask on his face did little to cover his scowl.

"Are you gonna check, doc? I got a 'bowel problem', and just so you know, and I really REALLY have to take a shit."

Afterwards, Sephiroth's face was a green as his eyes. "If I ever have to stick anything up somebody's ass again, it'll be with Masamune…." Zack's chortling had dissolved in to the occasional snigger.

"Zack Fair!" The ER physician was holding another new chart. "Here, go see this patient. She's a 92 year-old lady presenting with recurrent constipation. We've already given her some oral laxatives, but she's not moving anything. Let me see your fingers." Mystified, Zack held extended his hands, palms up. "Have you ever done a manual disimpaction?"

"A what?" Zack had put on his best WTF? expression.

It was Sephiroth's time to smirk.

AN: Totally gross.