Chapter Seven
It was time to try the drugs that Cally had suggested, the ones Avon didn't really want to take. Both of them were in the medical bay and Avon was lying down on one of the bio-beds. The steady beat of his heart could be seen on the life monitors by the side of the bed.
As Cally approached with a bio-injector in her hand, Avon had an involuntary stab of fear. The unfeeling monitors betrayed the rise in his heart rate and stress level.
Avon closed his eyes. Breathe. Concentrate. Relax. In the place of his nightmares, someone approaching with drugs always signalled more torture. I am not at the Detention Centre, he reminded himself.
Cally waited with a concerned look on her face as she watched him and kept an eye on the screens. She could feel his distress and anguish. Cally knew that Avon hated what the memories did to him.
The stress level slowly decreased. Avon opened his eyes and saw her staring at him. * It's alright, * he reassured her.
Cally didn't say anything and only nodded. She touched his arm. * It's going to get better. *
Avon carefully kept his thoughts neutral. He didn't want her to know how he really felt about his chances for recovery. She needed to have hope. * Thank you. *
Cally brought the injector up to his neck but she pulled back. She asked, "Do you really want to do this, Avon?"
He replied, "You want to. That's good enough for me."
"I don't want you to do this for me," she told him.
Avon said, "Its fine, Cally. We need to explore all possibilities."
"But you didn't want this possibility before."
An amused smile touched Avon's lips. "Are you trying to convince me not to do this now?"
"I…don't know. The more I think about it, the more I realize that you were right. I can't do this to you. As an Auronar, I should know this. Our feelings for each other are a strength. It gives hope. Without them, you would have little more than cold, statistical odds. I know you don't believe yours are very high.
She knew. Avon smiled wryly, "I could never keep anything from you."
"Does it bother you?" asked Cally.
"It's disconcerting," said Avon.
"I'm sorry." She knew that for a man who was as naturally closed as Avon was, being involved with an Auronar would have been very difficult. Even though he had a great deal of mental discipline for a Terran, when the emotions were strong, he could not hide them from her. He was especially vulnerable after what had been done to his mind at the detention centre.
Avon covered her hand with his. "Don't be. I came into this relationship knowing what the conditions would be."
"You mean the hazards." It was Cally's turn to have a wry smile.
"I am still here." His eyes told her that he always would be.
"Yes, you are." Their eyes were locked on each other.
"Since you don't want to try the drugs, what do you want to do now?" asked Avon. He rolled onto his side and reached out to pull her towards him.
Guessing what he had in mind, Cally said, "You're getting to be as bad as Argus."
"He does have some good ideas occasionally," said Avon. A touch of a grin lifted the corners of his lips.
Cally asked, "You must be getting along better. That almost sounded like half a compliment."
"You're an optimist," said Avon. Their light banter had returned his monitor readings to normal levels.
"Avon, I don't want to use the drugs I originally had planned to use but there are other ones which may help reduce the symptoms brought on by the nightmares. They're used to treat panic attacks. Your body's physical reaction; the increased breathing, heart rate and the chemicals released serve to reinforce and magnify what you're experiencing. If we suppress those reactions it may reduce the feelings to a more manageable level."
Avon said thoughtfully, "That does sound like a possible solution."
"Unfortunately, it's not a permanent one."
"Having a temporary solution is better than having none. Will they impair my ability to function?"
Cally allayed his fears. "No. It shouldn't affect your mental faculties. I will prepare some as a patch, similar to the tranquilizer patches. That way you can carry some around with you at all times. But only use them when you need to."
**********
Reya, Vila and Lieutenant Dain were in the practice range with a group of the Athol soldiers. This was Vila's first time here since Reya had the cargo bay converted for training purposes.
Vila asked, "There's no need for me to be here, is there? I'd just embarrass myself. Besides with all of these fine marksmen, I'm sure I'll never be needed to fire a gun. Not unless you wanted someone to miss. I can do that."
Reya said, "I'm sure you're not that bad." She handed him one of the training pistols and Vila took it reluctantly.
The gun felt uncomfortably hard and awkward in his hands. Vila had fired them before. Ever since he started following Blake, he couldn't avoid it; but Vila still didn't like guns. He never had; they always made him nervous. He never used one when he was working as a thief. Vila wished that he had the same excuse that Avon had to avoid having to use one.
Reya immediately noticed Vila's discomfort with the practice weapon. She had seen people who avoided weapons before but had never had to work with one.
She asked, "Vila, if you were ever in danger of someone trying to kill you and you had a gun, what would you do?"
Vila said without hesitation, "Run. I find that if you have a gun and someone else has a gun, they always get the impression you'll use it. Then you're stuck."
Reya said, "That's assuming that you can run fast enough. Or if they cared that you're armed or not. I doubt if Federation soldiers are that fair-minded."
Vila said, "I'm not saying that I can't use one. If I had to, I could use a gun."
Reya said, "What I'm trying to do is to increase your odds for survival. Don't use a weapon unless you have to, but when you do, make it count. That way when your life is in danger, or if someone needs you to save them, both of you will stand a better chance."
"Well, if you put it that way," said Vila.
As Vila ran through some of the target exercises Reya had designed to work on his marksmanship, his accuracy improved quickly. His hand-eye coordination as a thief was proving to be very useful.
**********
Avon paused outside of Sester's cabin. His heart was racing in anticipation of another confrontation. It was a mixture of excitement and an involuntary fear. Avon dipped his right hand into his vest pocket and brought out one of the panic patches that Cally had given to him. He stared at it for a moment. It was meant to be used in the event of trouble, not in anticipation of it.
With the pressure of the nightmares and memories, Avon was at a disadvantage when dealing with Sester. He could not afford to have a handicap when facing him. Sester would be able to spot it right away and use it against him.
Avon undid the first few clasps on his shirt and applied the patch directly over his heart. The effect was immediate. The beating in his chest slowed down. He became instantly calm. This was much faster than the meditation methods Cally had taught him.
He still felt the same as he did before, but the feelings were muted, as if someone had turned them down but not off. A tight smile came over Avon's face, he was ready now.
**********
Sester was passing a towel through his damp hair when his cabin door slid open without warning and he saw Avon framed in the doorway. As always when facing him, the expression on Avon's face was not a friendly one.
Sester paused in mid-wipe and gave him a friendly smile. "Do you always check that I've just finished a shower before bursting in here? I don't see how that gives you an advantage. I don't mind you seeing me with my hair wet." He continued drying his hair.
"We're going to have a talk." Avon's voice dripped menace.
"Oh good, we're going to play games. I haven't had a good opponent in ages." Sester dropped the towel on the table and ran his fingers through his hair to smooth it down.
Avon took the control unit for the tracer bracelet out of his pocket and pressed it.
Sester groaned in surprise and gripped his pained wrist with his other hand.
Avon had the look of a panther contemplating a prey it was toying with. He held the control unit like a weapon pointed at Sester. "I will play. You will talk or scream. The choice is yours."
Sester gasped, "I'll talk." He recognized that Avon wasn't in a mood for being pushed. It was best to let him think that he was cooperating.
Avon turned the device off and pointed to the chair that Sester had sat on during their last pained conversation. Sester sat down and said, "At least you weren't lying when you said that all of our conversations would be like this." He rubbed his arm.
"You could always leave," said Avon, putting the control unit on the table so that Sester could see it. Avon was not after subtlety.
"Yes, so you keep saying and I've told you that it's not possible, not unless the President orders it." Sester smiled cynically. "And she finds it much more amusing keeping me here so I doubt if that will happen."
"It's not going to be very amusing for you," said Avon. In the past, even the mention of Servalan in a conversation like this would send his heart racing. His stress level should have spiked but Avon remained calm and controlled. The patches Cally made up for him were proving to be very useful.
Cold anger with just a touch of stress; the involuntary fear that he had when he faced this man was no longer strong enough to stop his hatred. Cally's drugs had done this for him. This conversation was a battle Avon was determined to win. He had lost too much ground to this man already; he was determined to regain it.
"I'm certain you will try to make sure of that," said Sester.
"Oh, I will," promised Avon in a silken half whisper that sent chills down Sester's spine. "Now let's begin with Servalan's plans."
"I've already told you, Avon. I don't know them. She never tells me anything other than what I need to know. You should appreciate that," said Sester.
Avon reached towards the control unit.
Sester said, "You don't believe me."
"You're Servalan's most able advisor, is there a reason why I should?" asked Avon as he picked up the unit.
"You're forgetting Servalan's paranoia. She doesn't trust anyone except herself. Everyone else, she controls. You should know that." He eyed the device nervously.
You should know that. Sester's words echoed in Avon's mind. I do know. More than anyone else, Avon knew Servalan's control. He was aware of his stress level rising, memories of the years of captivity threatened to surface. Avon breathed deeply and banished the thoughts from his mind. It was much easier with the patch Cally had given him. A control that was tenuous and hard fought on most days, seemed much easier. I know how Servalan is still trying to control me. A burning anger flared within him and was controlled. Avon adjusted the unit and looking deliberately at Sester, activated it. There was a cruel smile on his lips.
Sester cried out at the sharp pain and held his arm to chest. Avon wasn't starting out with a mild warning as he had done before. Sester brought his pained eyes up to meet Avon's. The look on Avon's face was disturbing and his eyes were full of deep rage. Sester was alarmed. Something's wrong. In the past, even during Avon's worst moments at the detention centre, when he was full of anger and hatred at his tormentors, Sester had never seen this look of cruel darkness before.
Avon said in a voice that would not accept a refusal, "Tell me."
Sester's instincts told him that he was in a precarious position. He said, "I cannot tell you what I don't know but what I'm able to deduce from my skills as a psychostrategist, I will tell you."
"That's not good enough," said Avon. He increased the intensity setting.
"No!" Sester gasped out. He bent over in pain. The agony had spread across his chest and he could only breathe in short shallow breaths. Sester lifted his head up again with difficultly and glared at Avon. There was no chance for mercy. He could not expect any when he had given none himself.Sester knew that it was only partially about the information. For Avon it was about something much more personal.
Sester thought, Are you capable of doing to me what I did to you? Will you be satisfied then? Part of him hoped that Avon would take his revenge, then Sester would no longer have the hindering burden of guilt. Sester was angry at what was happening, but found that he could not hate Avon for doing this. He knew that he owed it to him.
Sester knew that his mind and Avon's were evenly matched but he didn't know if he had the other man's strength of will.
I guess we'll find out.
**********
After checking that no one was lurking in the corridor leading to the flight deck, Argus approached the visual interface and said, "Zen, use my personal contact protocol, D18. And let me know the moment someone enters the corridor just outside the flight deck."
Zen responded, "Confirmed."
Argus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was about to talk to his least favourite person. Expecting this to take awhile, he read through the day's action reports from General Reve's headquarters. They were currently in mopping up mode as Ellis's fleet and the alien forces were in full retreat. The Justice was no longer needed.
There was one curious note. No one knew where Ellis Reve was. He seemed to have disappeared.
After a few minutes, Zen said, "Communications channel established."
"Put it on the main viewscreen, Zen."
The star field blacked out for a moment and then Servalan appeared. Anyone who didn't know any better, would have thought her beautiful in her white gown with a touch of striking red highlights. She was a vision of deadly beauty. Unfortunately for her, Argus did know better.
"Madame President," said Argus with formal stiffness. The screen seemed to flare briefly, causing him to be irritated. I always forget to tell Avon to take a look at this.
Servalan said with disapproval, "I thought you had forgotten about me, Commander. I would have been very disappointed if you had."
Argus said, "I never forget an enemy."
Servalan smiled, "But, Commander, we've agreed to be allies."
Argus was a man who did not issue threats, only promises. "A temporary situation that can be rectified as soon as you break our agreement by hurting Avon."
Servalan seemed very sincere when she said, "Believe me when I say that Avon's continued survival is very important to me."
For some reason, this reassurance made Argus very nervous. "There are more things to life than just survival."
"Oh, I know, Commander." She smiled again.
Argus had the uncomfortable impression that she was telling him a truth that should send most men running. He said, "I'm almost finished with what I need to do. I need you to provide a list of possible alien threats. We will make an assessment on where we're to go next."
Servalan seemed amused by his assertion of control over the situation. "Of course, Commander."
Argus did not like talking to this woman. Every time she said something, he was certain she was also saying something else. The screen flared again. Argus grimaced at the brightness. I have to get Avon to take a look at that. It's getting annoying. It was making him feel uncomfortable. "I will tell you when we've decided."
Servalan said, "That takes care of our alliance. I believe you have another service to perform for me, Commander."
Argus scowled at the reminder. "Who do you want me to kill this time, Servalan? And remember, I have final approval on whom I will accept as a target."
Servalan said pleasantly, "This time it will not be an unpleasant service. In fact, you might enjoy it."
Argus regarded her warily. "Out with it, Servalan. Who is the target this time?"
Servalan said with an wicked smile, "My wayward psychostrategist."
Argus could not keep the shock from appearing on his face. "You want me to kill Sester?"
"Not kill. Make very uncomfortable. I'm sure you know how to do that," said Servalan. "I have every confidence in your abilities."
"I am not here to be your thug, Servalan," said Argus coldly. "If you want to punish your underlings, use your own people." This was a task he had no objections to but Argus knew that it would cause all kinds of complications for him personally. Not the least of which, Reya would be very angry if she found out.
"Is this a task that is against your conscience?" asked Servalan.
Argus said reluctantly, "No."
"Then our agreement does not give you the option to refuse," said Servalan. A sly expression appeared on her face, "Unless you can provide me with a compelling reason why you cannot do this. I might consider it. I'm not altogether unreasonable."
Argus snarled, "I'll do it." The last thing he wanted Servalan to know was that he had personal reasons for not wanting to do this.
"Excellent, Commander." Servalan added casually, "Do not tell him who ordered this. You can find a suitable excuse."
Argus became even more suspicious. "Why?"
"You do not need to know, Commander. Report to me after it is done," said Servalan. She closed the connection.
**********
Servalan sat back in her chair after turning off her vidscreen. A pleased and reflective smile was on her lips. Everything was starting to fall in place.
She also noted that Argus had stopped objecting to her use of his military title.
You will be ours again. Completely ours this time. Her pleased smile became a smug one. You will be mine. Argus was proving to be too useful and decorative a tool for her to let anyone else use him.
**********
Sester lay on the ground groaning in pain as Avon watched with a ruthless sense of justice. With slow deliberation, he turned the tracer control unit off.
Sester gave a sigh of relief as the pain ended. He lay unmoving, his body curled in a protective position, trying to recover from his ordeal. There were no sounds in the cabin other than his own strained breathing. Avon sat like a dark, ominous spectre.
Sester slowly straightened up and struggled to a sitting position. He looked at Avon and asked in a tense voice, "Do you believe me now?"
"I'll let you know," said Avon with aggressive antagonism. He got up and left the cabin without a further word.
Sester continued sitting after Avon exited. His whole body felt battered and stressed and he was exhausted. There was one thing that made him glad about this experience. He found that he did have the strength of will to withstand the torture; although it also made him want to avoid any future occurrences if he could. Sester gripped the edge of the table. It took a great effort to stand. His legs felt weak and nearly buckled from his own weight.
As he was trying to stand, Sester could not help remembering Avon in the isolation cell. He wondered if this was a small taste of how Avon had felt then. The memory was even worse because Avon had not been able to stand. Sester remembered himself applying increasing amounts of pain so that Avon would not be able to get up. He remembered Avon's anguished cries as he stubbornly tried to stand and Sester would not allow him to. The vision caused a stab of guilt. It had ended with Avon collapsed on the ground in exhaustion and defeat and then the interrogators coming in.
I gave you some of your nightmares. He remembered tears streaming down Avon's face as he had everything stripped away from him, even the ability to scream. What he had done to Avon was far worse than what Avon had just done to him. Sester wished the isolation cell had not happened and that he had not been responsible for bringing Avon to the breaking point. It had been a job then, but now he hated himself.
Avon. I truly am sorry. Perhaps by doing this, you can gain back some of the things I took from you. He knew that it was a poor repayment but it was the only thing Avon would accept from him.
Sester saw the towel he had dropped on the table before. He picked it up and wiped the sweat from his face and neck. He needed another shower. On unsteady feet, Sester left his cabin and headed for the ship's bathing facilities.
**********
I should have waited, thought Sester as he hung onto the wall. Halfway to the facilities, his weak legs nearly gave out. He leaned heavily against his vertical support, gasping for breath and trying to rest. He was too weak and tired to go on and he doubted he could make it back to his cabin.
Strong and gentle hands went around his shoulders. Before he turned around, he already knew who it was. "Reya." When he saw her, he gave her a grateful smile.
You're here for me when I need you. I knew you would be.
With concern in her voice, Reya asked, "Are you alright?"
He said with a warm smile, "Fine now that you're here."
"Who did this to you?" she asked.
Sester didn't want anyone to know what Avon had done; it was something between the two of them. He didn't answer.
Her face was troubled. "Did Argus do this?"
"No."
Reya didn't want to believe it but she couldn't help thinking it. "He should never have done this to you. I'll have a talk with him."
"No, Reya. Don't do that! It wasn't Argus." He put his hand on her arm and pushed himself away from the wall.
Reya said, "Why are you trying to defend him?"
Sester repeated again, "No, Reya. It wasn't Argus. Don't be angry with him. He doesn't deserve that but don't ask me to explain what happened. I can't tell you."
Reya was standing close, her arms still around his shoulders, holding him up. The warmth and strength of her body were a comfort and a temptation. He wanted to hold her in return, but Sester knew it would be a serious mistake if he did.
There was no suspicion or guardedness in Reya's manner; there was only the voice of a friend. "Sester. You have to get off this ship. It's too dangerous for you here. There are too many who wouldn't mind seeing you suffer or dead."
Sester said wryly, "I gave them good reason to."
"But this is wrong, Sester. No matter what you did," she told him.
"It's justice," said Sester.
"This is the kind of justice that the Federation indulges in. It should not be ours," said Reya.
"It's the only one I know," said Sester.
"I'm sorry," said Reya.
"I am not a good man, Reya. The others are right. You should not care about me," said Sester. Even as he said this, he was aware that he was wishing it for her, not for himself.
"That may have been true before, but I don't believe it is now," said Reya.
"You're wonderful for believing in me. It's why I…," Sester stopped before he said something that would make her feel awkward. "Well, regardless, thank you. I've never had someone who believed in me for something other than my abilities. You'd better go. I'm feeling better now." He let go of her arm and extricated himself from her help.
**********
Avon sat in his cabin in the dark. He knew the drugs from the patch were wearing off. His body was shivering and his heart was beating so hard that it seemed to want to break free from his chest. He could feel his mind slipping into shock. His thoughts were fragmented and he was experiencing intense spikes of irrational emotion. His rational mind struggled to right itself as he attempted the calming breathing exercises. The fear of losing mental control was nearly paralyzing. He knew that something was wrong but the only thought he could grasp hold of was that he couldn't worry Cally; he had to calm himself before Cally came to see what was wrong.
Avon shoved his hand into his pocket and took out another patch. He almost ripped his shirt open and barely managed to apply it over his chest before he lost all ability to concentrate. Avon breathed a sigh of relief as he felt the medication take effect.
Chapter Eight
Argus was pacing in his cabin. He was like a restless panther in a cage. There was so much energy built up in his body that he felt like he was going to burst if he didn't release it.
I agreed to do it. He had told Servalan that he would make Sester 'uncomfortable.' I cannot harm an unarmed man. Not after Zircaster. His own feelings of guilt were never far away.
Argus's conscience had brought him to a virtual standstill. He could not do what Servalan had asked him to, but neither could he ignore what he had promised. All he could do was pace in his cabin while his body felt as if it was going to burst any minute. He punched the wall of the cabin in frustration; he wanted to scream. It was happening again. The barely controlled aggression that made him hate himself was back. His mind strained to understand what was happening but every time he tried to follow a thread of thought, his mind would fragment, making it impossible.
The cabin door opened. Reya. Argus turned to look at her; she always made him feel better.
Reya came in slowly. She took in his agitated state and the tension that seemed to be emanating from him. The sound of Argus's his fist impacting the wall had been loud enough to be heard right before she opened the door. She said, "Haven't you done enough damage already?" she asked. Her face was hard.
Argus asked with confusion, "What are you talking about?"
"I know what you did to Sester," said Reya.
"What I did to Sester? Did someone finally throw him out of the airlock and save me the trouble?" asked Argus. Sester's name on Reya's lips caused anger to burn within him, fuelled by his pent up aggression. Something that was difficult to contain before was becoming impossible. He was losing control.
"You have never lied to me before, Argus. Don't start now."
"Or what? Don't start now or you'll go to him?" he asked angrily. He wanted to hurt someone now, not Reya, he could never hurt her but Servalan already gave him a target.
This time it will not be an unpleasant service. In fact, you might enjoy it. Her silky, deceptive voice rang in his ears.
You must be a mind reader, Servalan, to know that I will enjoy this. The acceptance of the directive filled him with exultation. The tension was still there, but it no longer felt like agony. The aggression was going to be allowed a direction.
Reya's ever-present feelings of guilt made her feel defensive at his accusation but she saw the wildness in his eyes and was alarmed. She remembered what had happened before, the darkness and violence she had seen in him. He had nearly hurt her then; he had barely been in control then.Afterwards, he had been wracked with guilt and self-loathing at what he had done, and what he had been for those few moments.
Reya thought, Is the same thing happening again? Is that why you hurt Sester?
She said, "I know you don't like Sester."
"I hate him," said Argus. He wanted to go find his nemesis now and show him how much he hated him.
"You have to give him a chance, Argus."
"Why? You've given him enough chances for both of us. He doesn't deserve it." Don't you see that, Reya? Why won't you see it? Don't let him get between us. Sester was a dangerous man. Even when he wasn't present, he could cause havoc in other people's lives.
Reya said, "You can't hurt Sester just because you hate him."
Argus said irritably, "I know that. I will only do it if he proves to be a danger to this ship."
Argus thought, You always take his side. In his mind, Argus's thinking shifted. Sester was not unarmed, his mind was his weapon. He did damage with his words. Sester was not the cloying kind of charmer that Argus detested; his charm came across in his sincere and easy manner. Everything about Sester encouraged people to trust him and he had used this potent ability to manipulate Reya into believing in him. Sester was the most dangerous person on the ship and she did not seem to have any defence against his tricks. This threat had to be neutralized, or at the very least, it had to be taught a lesson.
Reya realized that talking about Sester was only going to make the situation worse. She had to try to reach Argus. Whatever this thing that happened to him was, it made him irrational and dangerous. "Argus, you have to get control of yourself."
Argus was only half listening to what she was saying. I have to control myself, or you're going to try to stop me. All Argus could think of was achieving his goal; he had to take out his target. Sester deserved what he was going to do to him. Let's see how your weapon works against mine.
Argus took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He told her in a calmer voice, "You're right."
Servalan was right; Sester had to be punished. Somewhere in the back of Argus's mind, this rationalization made him uneasy but it was not enough to override what he intended to do.
Reya asked, "What's happening to you, Argus? What's causing you to act like this?" Her voice was full of worry.
Argus could see her concern and love for him. He had to take care of her. He couldn't let Sester hurt her. He couldn't let him hurt any of them. "I don't know what you mean," he told her reasonably. Focus on what I need to do. Can't let her know what I'm going to do. She'll only get upset. She won't understand that this has to be done.
Reya said, "It's happening again. You're starting to lose control."
"No, I'm not." He did sound in control now. Even though he was still somewhat agitated, his eyes were no longer wild. Reya wondered if she had jumped to the wrong conclusions. Maybe it was just about Sester.
"Do you want to talk about Sester?" she asked him nervously. "If he is the problem then maybe we should talk about it."
Argus reached out and took Reya by the hand. Have to reassure her. Shouldn't worry her. "I didn't mean to scare you. Sometimes I can't help over-reacting when it comes to what he does to you. I just don't want to see you get hurt by him, Reya. He's dangerous. But I'm not up to talking about this now."
Now that the tension inside him was going to be released, it was more under his control. He pulled her to him and pressed their bodies together; there were other uses for the energy built up inside him.
Even as Reya felt her body responding to his overpowering desires, she tried to say, "But we have to…"
Argus's mouth covered hers in a passionate kiss, preventing her from saying anything else.
**********
Cally lay back against Avon as they relaxed on her bunk. He put an arm around her. They were in the habit of doing this before they retired for the night; sharing their day and their thoughts with each other. Cally had suggested it as a way to draw him out and help Avon become more comfortable with talking to her about personal things.
Nestled against his body, she felt warm and at ease. Usually Avon was guarded when they began. Whatever Servalan had done to him was always a spectre he had to fight against when he wanted to be close. As they talked, she could feel the tightness and the tensions from his body slowly relax. This would be reflected in the slow and deliberate lowering of some of the mental and emotional blocks as he once again explored the safety of their relationship.
Cally twisted around and asked, "Avon. Did something happen today?"
From her tone, Avon knew she wasn't just asking him about his day in general. He replied, "I made a visit to Sester today. We had a talk."
"That explains what I was sensing," said Cally. "For a moment I was worried, but before I could come find you, everything seemed fine again."
"Yes. The patches you made for me were very effective."
"I'm glad," said Cally. "Did he say anything interesting?"
"I wasn't able to get anything out of him that I didn't already know," said Avon.
"He is slippery," she agreed. "What were you trying to find out?"
"Servalan's plans."
"You didn't expect him to tell you, did you?" she asked, wondering what he had been up to.
"Yes and no. I knew that he had no incentive to tell me. I gave him one." There was nothing he told her that was not the truth. Avon did not like lying to Cally. He hoped that she would not press for more details.
"What could motivate a man like him?" asked Cally. "He won't do anything unless he sees that there is an advantage to it."
"You would have said that of me once," said Avon.
She twisted around to look into his eyes again. "No, Avon. You were never like that. You may have wanted us to believe it. However, you rarely fooled me. You did too many things that had very little benefit to yourself for that to be true."
"Are you trying to get me to admit that I'm afraid?" he asked.
"I think you have to admit it to yourself first," said Cally. "I know that people like Anna and Tynus hurt you. I can't imagine what kind of life you had that made you afraid to admit that you care. Did you always believe that sentiment was a weakness?"
As Avon thought about Cally's question, it triggered a brief flash of memory. A woman's face, barely discernable, looking down at him. A soft and proud smile on her face. She reached out a hand towards him…Kerr
The memory disappeared as quickly as it came. Avon took a breath. He hadn't realized that he had been holding it. Cally was looking worriedly at him again.
"It's alright. Just an old memory." Even as he tried to recall the few details, they were fading away.
"What was it about?" she asked curiously. This one had not produced negative feelings for him.
"To be honest, I don't know. It's vague. There's a woman. She knows my name."
"Another woman, Avon?" she asked with mock exasperation at the number of women who seemed to have an interest in him.
He gave her a brief mischievous grin. "I don't think it was that kind of woman."
"I think you're just trying to avoid my question about being afraid," said Cally.
He teased her. "You noticed?"
"You're still avoiding it."
Avon laughed. He was about to answer her but something confused him. His mind and his memories told him that he always believed that sentiment was a weakness, but a deeper instinct was telling him that he didn't. The conflict produced stress again as his breathing quickened. He said, "I can't talk about it."
"Avon. Even this? What did they do to you?" Cally shared his anguish.
As he saw her distress reflecting his own, Avon said, "I…don't know. My mind wants to say one thing, but part of me knows it's not true. If that makes any sense."
"We have to get to the bottom of this," said Cally.
"I wish I could remember, but I can't. All I have are flashes of memory. If I try to reach for them, I run the risk of collapsing. If I don't try, then I lose the thread of the memory. It's very frustrating." Before the damage to his mind, he had never been aware of this problem before.
"Do you think the imaging chamber might help?"
"Perhaps. For now, I can only wait until the memories resolve themselves to the point where I can access them consciously." Now that Avon was relaxed and was at ease enough to share with Cally, he found that he didn't want to keep things from her.
His relationship with Anna had been true, but he had never opened up with her. Avon wanted something else with Cally. He needed the closeness that would heal the pain inside him and his love for Cally made her needs as important as his own. She wanted this level of closeness and he wanted her to have it.
He said, "Cally, there was something I didn't tell you about my conversation with Sester."
Cally asked, "He did say something?"
"No. It's not that. It's about the motivation I gave to him."
"What was it?" she asked.
"Do you remember the additional enhancement that Reya asked me to make to the tracer bracelet for Vanora?"
"Yes. You added a unit that could control the discharge of pain. I had to use it once to stop Vanora from harming Reya and...oh." Cally had an idea what Avon was about to say. "That was your incentive for Sester?"
"Yes. I made the same adjustment to Sester's tracer." Avon's could feel his heart beating faster as he remembered what he had done. "Cally, I tortured him." The words barely made it out of this throat. Avon's eyes shut tightly as residual memories of pain surfaced. It was Sester's and his own. For some reason, their pains seemed to be linked in his mind. In Sester's cabin, Avon could almost feel every cry of pain, every moan of agony as if it were his own. Mentally and emotionally, it seemed as if he was in the isolation cell again, trapped in someone else's orchestrated nightmare. Avon wondered if he would ever be free from his prison.
"You allowed your hatred to get a hold of you." She could see that Avon was troubled. Cally rested her head on his chest and hugged him in support.
"I wanted him to suffer. I needed him to experience what he put me through at the detention centre."
"Did you enjoy it?" she asked. She wanted to know what he had been after.
Avon thought for a moment. "No. It wasn't about enjoyment, it was about exacting justice. It was about reclaiming my dignity and giving him a taste of what he did to me."
Cally knew that Avon was in a dangerous place. She could not expect him to forgive Sester – it wasn't something she could do herself - but this desire for vengeance had nearly destroyed Avon once. She did not want him to go back to the almost blind need for revenge that had caused him to seek out Shrinker. Those weeks when he had meticulously planned and carried out his retribution had done terrible things to him. She knew that he had barely been able to sleep; food almost made him ill. He would constantly stare out into nothingness, even when someone was talking to him. She knew that he was remembering Anna, envisioning her suffering at the hands of her torturers. Her life and her death had haunted him.
Cally had to admit that she had felt a strong jealousy towards the dead woman. Avon had been aware of her feelings and had tried to spare her by not involving her in his plans. She had tried to reason with him, but it was a time when logic did not play a factor in his decisions.
Cally could not imagine the feelings of guilt that had caused him to deliberately submit himself to be tortured. He had said that it was necessary. It was the only way to get to Shrinker. Cally knew it had nothing to do with Shrinker; it was about Avon's need for justice, whether in the killing of Shrinker or in making himself suffer for not dying instead of Anna.
Cally pushed the thoughts from her mind. She didn't know why she was dwelling on that treacherous woman. Anna had not deserved Avon. She had hurt him deeply in a way that Cally had not thought possible. It had made him suicidal after Anna died. For days afterwards, he had been in a deep depression, barely involved in the functioning of the ship and saying even less than normal. The insensitive Tarrant had sensed Avon's weakness and tried to use it to hurt him further. Cally had felt his Avon's anger at the attack and the deep sense of failure that was consuming him. The experience with Anna and Tarrant had only reaffirmed his belief that sentiment was a weakness that others would exploit in order to hurt and destroy him.
Then one day Avon had appeared on the flight deck and acted as if nothing had happened. Cally had known though, it was the only way he could cope with what had happened. It was not the healthiest way but healthy emotional outlets had never been Avon's strong suit. He had not been open to dealing with things then but Cally hoped that he would be willing to now.
Cally's mind came back to the present. She knew Avon found their mental communications less stressful so using this means she asked, * Avon, was it worth it? Was torturing Sester worth what it did to you? *
Following her lead, Avon also switched modes. * It was satisfying when I was doing it. *
She asked him, * And afterwards? *
Avon reluctantly told her, * I was ill afterwards and could feel myself losing control. The memories and the feelings…became overwhelming. I didn't have the concentration to do the calming exercises you taught me. *
With her head on his chest, Cally heard Avon's heart beating faster and could feel the tension return to his body.She sensed his anguish as he recalled his experience. Cally asked, * That was when you used the patch? *
* Yes *
She lifted her head to look at him again. * Avon, perhaps it would be a good idea for you to avoid Sester for now. *
* I'm not afraid of him, * said Avon. Even though they were speaking with their minds, his throat tensed.
*You don't want to be afraid, but you feel it anyway don't you? Here? * She put her hand over his chest.
Cally always seemed to reach to the heart of things. She was right; the fear was always present. It lurked beneath the surface, like a disease that infected everything it touched. There was a wounded vulnerability in Avon's eyes. * I can't deny that, * he admitted with difficultly.
Cally continued, * I know that learning to open up with me has been difficult for you, but I'd like to think that it's helped. *
Avon found that the warmth of Cally's hand on his chest was comforting. She gave him a feeling of peace. In some ways, it was more potent than any drugs. * It has helped. When I wake up from the nightmares and see you, I know I'm not alone anymore. It is easier for me to recover. *
* I wish that I could share them with you. That way you won't be alone, even during the nightmares. * said Cally.
* What you're doing is already enough. I would never inflict my dreams on you. They're… * Avon's jaw tightened as he thought about the things that haunted him. His next thoughts conveyed stress and anguish as his eyes sought and held hers. * Promise me that you won't try, Cally. *
* But I want to help you, Avon. *
Avon eyes softened a bit, * I know, but not in this. No one should have to experience that, especially not you. *
Cally knew that it was hard to change Avon's mind once he had resolved to do something. She had to allow him the freedom to do what he felt he had to do. She would be there when he needed her. * Alright, Avon but please be careful with Sester. *
* I will. * Avon bent his head down to kiss her. Just as their lips were about to touch, he hesitated. His face hovered over hers; Cally could feel the warmth of his breath on her skin.
Her eyes met his. * What's wrong, Avon? * The last few times they had kissed, because of their increasing closeness, her awareness of his desire seemed to mix with her own. When they were intimate, his 'presence' seemed much closer, no longer just at the periphery of her consciousness.
* I want more for us. * There was both desire and regret in his eyes.
* I do too, Avon but you're not ready yet, * she told him.
* I could be with these new drugs you gave me. I could take them before we try. *
Cally reached up and touched his face gently. * There is nothing I would like more than to share this with you, but you can't use the drugs this way. They only take care of the symptoms; they do not remove the underlying problems. The horror of what Servalan did to you would still be there. I can't imagine what affect it would have on you afterwards if you forced yourself to do this. *
Avon's eyes filled with anguish again. * We can't let Servalan win. *
Cally said resolutely, * We won't. That's why we must wait until you're ready. *
She curled her arm around his neck and pulled him down into an embrace. As they kissed, Cally had another thought. It may not be a good idea to force the physical intimacy issue with the drugs but using them, Avon might be able to talk about some of his deepest nightmares. She knew that confronting them was the only permanent solution. Until now, it had been debilitating for Avon to even think about them. The drugs should be able to help with that.
Cally knew that Avon's fear would make him reluctant to try. He had great physical courage when he needed to, but his tolerance for emotional risk was very low. She would have to watch for the right time to broach this with him.
**********
The next morning, after a good night's sleep, Sester felt much better. His arm was still a bit numb but it was much less painful than the day before. After washing up and getting dressed, he was almost cheerful as he anticipated a good breakfast. Sester opened the cabin door. For a moment, his heart skipped a beat and he nearly backed away from the entrance as he saw someone standing there. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who it was. Sester's face brightened in an easy smile, "Vila."
"You almost look glad to see me," said Vila.
"Let's just say, there are worse alternatives," said Sester.
"Such as?"
"Is this a social visit or are you here for a purpose, Vila?" asked Sester. Such as spying on me?
"No gopher duties for me today and I just finished my shift. I liked that game of chess the other day. You said that you had some things to show me. To make my game better?"
Sester said conspiratorially, "You want to be able to beat Avon, don't you?"
"You have a suspicious mind," said Vila. He didn't like Sester bringing Avon into a conversation. Vila still remembered Avon in the first weeks after his rescue, when he had been in such bad shape that he had begged Vila to kill him. The psychostrategist should not be treating games with Avon as something light, not after what he had done to him. Vila kept reminding himself that he was supposed to appear harmless.
"It's an occupational hazard," replied Sester. He stepped out into the corridor and let the door slide shut behind him. "First, I need some breakfast."
"Breakfast? But it's almost lunch time," said Vila.
"You can have lunch. I'll get caught up on breakfast," said Sester.
"Well, I am getting a bit peckish," said Vila. The two men headed to the dining area together.