It was nearing midnight and most of the guests had gone home, Hermione was sitting on the couch with a butterbeer, relaxing a little after a long emotional day. She was wondering where Charlie had disappeared to, as she was hoping to speak to him, and unload her thoughts on an understanding, kindred mind. All of a sudden a pair of strong hands covered her eyes, and a breath warm on her neck said "guess who?"
She giggled a little, she knew exactly who it was. "Gee, I don't know, who could this be…. Could it be Ron?" she asked, breathless as he started to softly kiss her neck. He took his hands off her eyes and she turned to face him.
"Take a walk with me for a minute" he said as he took her hands in hers. Hermione groaned a little.
"Do we have to?" she asked. "My feet are dead tired."
"No matter" said Ron as he scooped her up into his arms, and she let out a laugh, and squeezed one of his biceps.
"Oh Ron" she said, looking into his eyes. "You've gotten so strong from all that auror training." They remained silent for a little while, while Ron carried Hermione outside for a bit. It was a beautiful night and there were little fairy lights and decorations everywhere from the party. Finally Ron led them into a clearing that Hermione had never seen before, there was a little swing and he set her on it, and then sat next to her. There were beautiful fragrant flowers surrounding them and the stars were bright above them.
"It's beautiful here" she gasped.
"I got it already just for you, Hermione" Ron replied. "I'm so happy that you're back, and that you're going to move in, so I can see you everyday, go to sleep next to you and then wake up to you. It's like a dream come true, Mione. But I want to do this the right way, I've been stupid in the past when it's come to you, and I don't want to ever lose you. I want you to be mine Hermione." Ron slid off the swing and knelt on one knee before Hermione, and she gasped and brought her hand to her mouth, tears brimming in her eyes. " I want to be with you for the rest of my life, will you be my wife Hermione Jean?"
"Oh Ron" she breathed, and a flutter of emotions crossed her mind. She looked hard into his face, while she thought, and his expression turned into one of worry. This was what she wanted wasn't it? Then why was she suddenly so nervous and apprehensive. This is how she thought it would end up for a long time, but now, now that the words were actually spoken it felt so final, and she felt trapped. But this was Ron, they'd been through so much together, and she loved him dearly. How could she say no and break his heart? So then she kissed him with all the passion she could muster.
"Yes Ron, I will" were the only words she could manage in the flurry of emotion that was going on in her head..
" Hermione you worried me for a second" said Ron. "I love you, you've made me the happiest man alive tonight." Ron slid the ring on her finger and they sat there for a long time cuddling and kissing. Hermione spent a long while trying to figure out why she felt so nervous, she had never questioned her love with Ron before, but now that her future seemed to be determined, it made her nervous and unsure. Maybe she wasn't ready for marriage. She wasn't like Harry or Ginny or Ron who had all seen other people, sure she had briefly seen Victor, but it was more of her trying to keep him away. The only boy she had ever kissed was Ron, and now she was going to marry him, and he would be the only boy she ever kissed. How could she be sure that he was the one? She couldn't, she didn't have enough experience. At least the others had other experiences to base their decisions off of, Hermione had nothing. But she also knew that it was too late now, she could never have said no to Ron, and she would just have to make the best of it.
On their way back to the house, Hermione and Ron ran into Ginny and Harry. Ginny saw Hermione first and upon seeing her friend, ran up to her squealing, holding her hand out.
"Hermione!! Look at this… Harry just proposed, I'm going to be Mrs. Potter" she said excitedly, running into Hermione for a hug.
"Oh my gosh Gin, that's so wonderful! I'm so happy for you..."
Before Hermione could say anything else, Ginny spotted Hermione's new ring.
"Hermione! Is that what I think it is?" Ginny asked holding up Hermione's hand. Hermione meekly nodded, and Ginny squealed. "We're gonna be sisters now Hermione!!"
At this point Ginny was jumping around excitedly talking fast about the details and examining her and Hermione's rings. Harry and Ron approached each other, sharing grins… their master plan had worked. Ron never noticed that Hermione's smile didn't quite reach her eyes, like Ginny's did.
"What do ya say? Ya wanna go share the news with the family… I told them to wait up for us" Said Ron, and with that, the excited couple of Harry and Ginny practically skipped back home to share the news. Hermione felt a little nauseous and blamed it on something she had ate, and only protested a little when Ron scooped her up and carried her back home. What a happy, fake picture we must form Hermione thought.
Upon hearing the news, the whole Weasley family cheered and shared a toast. It was a very joyous time, however, Hermione noticed one smile that looked a little sad, and that smile belonged to Charlie. She had to be careful that her smile didn't mirror his. No one could know that she was anything less than thrilled. She had a hard time getting away from Ron, but when he left her side to use the restroom, she made her move and walked over to where Charlie was barely listening to a conversation between Bill and his dad.
"Congratulations Hermione" Charlie said as she got close. "To be honest, I never thought my kid brother would find enough tact to ask a girl to marry him, but I suppose he must have grown up a lot while I've been half way around the world."
"He has grown up a lot" she replied "but if I can be honest with you, I didn't see this one coming either. But enough about me… something isn't right. What's wrong? Is this about what we talked about back in January?"
Charlie gave Hermione a sad half smile. "I'm the only Weasley kid that's not engaged or married now"
"So? It's not a big deal. Why does that bother you? You just haven't met the right person yet. You need a special sort of girl, and there's nothing wrong with waiting until you find her. You don't want to marry someone that you're not sure about…" Hermione paused here, her voice trembling a bit. She could be herself around Charlie, and she felt like this advice she was giving Charlie, was advice she herself wished she could have taken.
Charlie noticed her hesitate and heard the tone of her voice change, and he suspected he knew what was on her mind. But if he knew her right, he knew that she would tell him on her own time, it was no use trying to get information out of Hermione that she wasn't ready to tell, it only pushed her away. So he decided to open up a little bit, to see if it would warm her up. Of course he couldn't really tell her that the only girl he could see himself with just got engaged…
"That's good advice Mione. I just feel like I might not ever get that special girl. A marriage with me could never be conventional because of my job, and I don't know if I could find a woman to put up with me. I know I can find women, because I've had plenty of one night stands, but I'm always too scared to lose my way of life if I let them in. Most guys that get married on the reserve, never come back, because their wives don't like how risky this line of work is. But I just can't ever see myself giving up that way of life. So I don't know Hermione, I guess I'm torn. But don't let me dampen your happy day, I am really happy for you, and you don't need to worry about me." He gave her a real smile this time and pulled her into a hug. He saw that his last words struck a chord with Hermione and he wondered why. He hoped he hadn't revealed too much. In his perfect world he would have told her that she was the woman for him, because she would never make him give up his dreams, and he would never make her give up hers, and they could live in harmony, making it work.
"Charlie" she said, burying her head into his chest "can I tell you a secret, and you won't tell anyone?" How could Charlie say things that so perfectly mirrored her fears in a strange way.
She needed a special guy that could put up with her need to be independent and to follow all her big dreams, and she wasn't sure Ron was that guy. She felt pity for herself for a moment and jealous of Charlie that he had lucked out, he shouldn't feel so bad at all. Charlie would never be caged in. He was like a dragon, he could be given boundaries and respect and support, but he could never truly be caged, he could break free at any moment if he wanted, just like the dragons he worked with on the reserve.
"Of course Hermione. You know I wont tell anyone" if he had to admit, he was very intrigued. He knew the big confession was coming.
Hermione took a deep breath, and inhaled Charlie's woodsy scent before pouring her heart out. "I'm a little bit afraid Charlie. Ron is the only man I've ever had a serious relationship with, and it feels right, but part of me always wanted to experience more, because how can I be sure? But of course I'm probably being silly… it feels right in my heart… but I guess I feel a bit like you, I'm afraid of losing some freedom. I think Ron expects me to start popping out babies to give him a big family, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that. There's still so much I want to do and experience… and I'm just afraid I'm losing all my options and possibilities now."
Hermione looked into Charlies green eyes and held eye contact, searching his eyes for some sort of answer. Charlie sighed and rubbed the back of his neck for a moment, Hermione noticed that he did that a lot when he was anxious. Truth be told, Charlie had always hoped for a woman like Hermione, he hadn't gotten to know her until very recently… it had been about a year ago. But he saw so many of his fears mirrored in her fears, and so many of his dreams and goals mirrored in hers. He knew he could never have her, but he always hoped that he could find a woman that was like her. So what was he supposed to say in a situation like this… marry me and you'll never have to worry about those things… no. He hated seeing her afraid and cornered into a decision, but this was a delicate situation. Finally he settled on what he thought were safe words.
"Just follow your heart Hermione." Drat Hermione thought, that wasn't helpful. She knew that Ron was in her heart, but she also knew that adventure and new experiences had a place in her heart too. Everything that Charlie said he wanted were things that she wanted too, and how easily would it be to slip into that, a relationship where she was empowered… but no. She had something good with Ron, and as far as she was concerned there was no way out now, so she decided that she better not waste it, and suck it up and smile.
"Oh Charlie…my heart is torn in two, I can't go two directions. But I see one direction hurting Ron, and I can't do that. It can't be so bad right?" Charlie tensed for a minute, feeling frustration at this whole situation, at how selfless she was being. He rested his chin on the top of her head and held her close for a minute. To an outsider it would just look like a brotherly sisterly embrace, but they both felt the intimacy and closeness of the embrace. Hermione's breath warm on his chest, Charlie closing his eyes and inhaling the scent of her hair. It was with regret that Hermione pulled away, feeling guilt and suppressing her dreams.
They wordlessly said goodbye. No words needed to spoken. They both knew the overwhelming feelings that had just passed between them.
Hermione inched away from Charlie holding eye contact, then closed her eyes and turned to walk back over to Ron who was holding out his arms for her, and she settled into those arms, and uneasily into her future. But from across the room Charlie saw the determination on her face to stay strong and go on this path, even though it meant giving up her other dreams and he shot her a sad smile before turning his back to walk to the aparation spot.
Over the next couple of days Hermione was focused on moving her and Ginny into Harry and Rons place, Neville had decided to take the open herbology professor spot at Hogwarts to be closer to Hannah who was taking over as the bar lady at the leaky cauldron. This just left the two couples at the apartment.
As well as moving in, Hermione had also started her new job, and was quickly settling in and becoming an expert. She was feeling very happy about that part of her life, but she still had her doubts and insecurities about the engagement, and a part of her was sort of mourning for the loss of her other dreams that she may never get a chance to discover. She couldn't help but replay all of the things that Charlie had told her before, and all those intimate feelings they had shared in that embrace, and how she might feel better if Ron was more like Charlie, but she always shoved those thoughts away guiltily.
She loved Ron, she reasoned, and she could make a couple of sacrifices to be with him, although she wasn't sure that if the situation was flipped that Ron would make sacrifices for her, which was always what worried her. She knew that once they were married, she would lose most chances of traveling, because he wouldn't want her to leave, although he never considered that he was sent traveling all the time on missions. Ginny, Hermione thought, at least still had some freedom, because Harry had no problem with her playing quidditch and traveling. Ginny didn't have to give up any of her dreams, they had discussed that they wouldn't have children until she was ready to settle down and retire from quidditch. Hermione wasn't sure she had much of an option, every time that her and Ron had talked about children he had seemed insistent on having children right away, which would almost certainly mean that she would have to leave her job. Then she would be stuck mothering children for a very long time, and all of the personal goals and dreams she had for herself would never come true. Ron wanted a family of his own, and while Hermione did too, she didn't want one now. She wanted to live up to her full potential and live for herself first… all of that was now down the drain.
After a week of being in the apartment Hermione was going crazy. Ginny was gone at a training camp and Harry and Ron were on a mission. Hermione had never felt so alone in the world, and felt a deep desperation that this might be what the rest of her life would be like. Ron was very traditional, he didn't understand any of her wants or needs. He was perfectly okay with thinking that she aspired to be a junior Molly, so he would never understand why she wouldn't be content with keeping the house and serving her man as soon as he came home. He had even requested that she take the day off, suggesting that she learn some household spells and practice doing wifely things, luckily he had requested this over the floo, so that Hermione couldn't slap him. She did end up taking the day off, but only because she was so blind with anger that she couldn't see right, and a major headache was developing.
Hermione's thoughts were racing, and in a final plea of desperation she ran over to the floo, and flooed to the one person she knew understood her. It wasn't until she landed in his fireplace that she remembered he must be at work and suddenly she felt very awkward. She had never been here before.
"Charlie?" she called out. "are you here?" Hermione heard a bunch of noises coming from upstairs and then charlies voice calling out.
"Hermione?" he sounded confused.
"Yeah, it's me" suddenly she felt very embarrassed. She shouldn't be here.
"Just hang on a minute" he called out. Hermione dusted herself off and sat on the nearest couch and looked around. His house was surprisingly clean, and very well decorated. It wasn't the typical guys house. She heard footsteps coming down the stairs to the right and got up to greet him, she was shocked at how the sight of him, brought back all of her fears in a rush. It was like he represented everything she was giving up, and it was almost too much to look at. She rushed over to him and clung to him, like she was clinging to the future that she wanted so much for herself, but was in the process of losing.
"Oh Charlie" she sobbed. And he stiffened a bit at first, but then put his arms around her, smoothing her hair, and trying to calm her down. "I'm s-s-sorry" she sniffled, and continued to sob.
"Hermione" he said worriedly "what's going on? what's wrong?" Hermione continued to hold him and sob for several more minutes, while he continued to hold her and soothe her. "Whatever it is Hermione, it'll be okay. We'll figure this out" he whispered into her hair.
After some time, Hermione let go. "I'm sorry" she said, her voice hoarse. "I feel so stupid… I just go so afraid, and I didn't know what to do anymore. And then I saw you… and it was like this fierce reminder of what I'm giving up, and it just was too much to handle… I'm sorry.
"Hermione" Charlie said "Don't ever be sorry for how you feel. I'm here for you. I know this is a scary time for you. I can't tell you what to do… but I will listen to everything you have to say, and I will support whatever you do."
Hermione buried her face in her hands, and he wordlessly lead her to the couch, with one hand on the small of her back. They sat in compatible silence for a long time, Charlie rubbing soothing circles on Hermione's back. Charlie was very concerned for Hermione. It was killing him that she felt like this, and he wished he could sweep her off her feet, and show her that the future she wanted was still possible, with him. Finally Charlie spoke.
"Are you gonna be okay Mione?" She turned to look into his eyes, and he could tell that she honestly didn't know the answer to that question…. She looked like she was being torn into two directions. Then her eyes focused on something behind her, and her expression turned into confusion.
"2 am? How is it 2 am?" she asked, confused. Charlie chuckled a little.
"Time change, remember? I do live really freaking far away from London."
"Oh my gosh Charlie" she said apologetically "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to barge in on you so late. I should get going… I'm really sorry for being so stupid."
"No Hermione" he said as he took her chin in his hands and turned her face so she was facing him "You were not being stupid. I mean it when I say I'm here for you whenever." The intensity and passion in his eyes made Hermione gasp a little, and she stiffly nodded.
"Thank you Charlie" she said, and she suddenly got an impulse to kiss his cheek and then was through the floo before he could respond. He sat on the couch touching his cheek for a long time. He wondered at how that girl had captured his heart so completely in the course of the year they had gotten to know each other, and he wondered if she might have ever come to feel the same way if things had been different.. This was not good, but he knew that if he couldn't have her, and that he couldn't because she was Ron's, that he didn't want anyone else. The most he could be to her was a close friend, and that would have to be enough, but with this new acknowledgement that he truly was in love with her, that would be more painful than he cared to think about. He didn't like seeing Hermione like that, feeling like she was caged, and having to give up her dreams, but what could he do about it? Sleep came hard to Charlie that night.
Meanwhile, back in London an emotional Hermione had landed back into the apartment to find Ron stamping around in the kitchen.
"Hermione?" he asked, poking his head around the fridge door. "Where have you been? I thought you would be here. I asked you to take the day off for a reason. I was kind of looking forward to a hot meal when I got home" he sounded a little frustrated, and Hermione knew he was trying to make her guilty. She felt color flare up into her cheeks.
"I'm not your mother, Ronald!" She cried as she stomped past him and into their room, where she slammed the door, and put a powerful locking charm on the door. She heard Ron trying to get in, and knocking on the door.
"Damnit Hermione! What the hell was that all about? I've been working really hard the last 3 days, and I asked you for the day off so the least you could have done was had some food ready for me. I'm not asking for a fucking feast, just a little something. But you weren't even here" He shouted.
"well, if you'd remember correctly you told me to take the day off to practice household spells. I didn't know when you would come home, you told me you didn't know when you were gonna get home, because you didn't know how long it would take. What was I supposed to do? just wait around all day and constantly have a hot meal waiting for you, even though you might not show up? You know that's not me" Hermione yelled back.
"Hermione just open the door" yelled Ron. Hermione was tired of the yelling, so she reluctantly opened the door a crack. Ron's ears were very red, not a good sign.
"I'm not actually back… I just thought it would be nice to come have lunch with my fiancé. But I guess not" Ron said angrily.
"Well how was I supposed to know?" Hermione asked in desperation. "You know how hard it is for me to hang out around the house and wait for you, but you insisted that I have the day off, so I could learn some fucking household spells. Do you know how degrading that is for me? I only took the day off because I was so insulted and angry. I can never be a mini molly weasley. I can only be Hermione Granger, and I thought that was enough for you" Hermione finished sadly. Ron glared at her a moment, before he rolled his eyes.
"I thought you knew what it was to be a Weasley wife. Don't you love me? You don't want to disappoint me and my family do you? This is how it works in the weasley family, and I don't want to be embarrassed by you. You know what people expect of the weasley women, I'm just trying to help you live up to those expectations."
Hermione felt the tears well up in her eyes, but she held them back, willing herself to be strong. "So you mean you want me to change?" she asked quietly. "you've already changed enough for the both of us. You are not the man I fell in love with."
" Don't be silly. I'm still that man, our relationship has just changed, it's more serious and I just want you to change a little, to live up to those Weasley expectations. I love you Hermione, I just want to help make you the best wife you can be" Ron said tenderly as he took her hand and squeezed it gently.
Hermione felt like she was in a nightmare, her stomach was in knots and she was trying to keep from throwing up. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, it was like Ron had completely changed since he had proposed. She wasn't a treasure that he had to cherish to keep anymore, she was his now, and he was a man that expected to be taken care of. There was a whole new set of expectations on her now, and she did not like them one bit. She looked into Ron's eyes terrified, but before she could say anything he spoke.
"I've gotta go back now. The mission shouldn't take too much longer, and we'll talk about all this stuff when I get back. I love you Hermione" he said as he leaned into kiss her. Hermione emotionlessly kissed him back, barely feeling anything at all over the new terror that had filled her.
"I love you" he whispered into her ear, but he did not let her go. He was waiting for her to say it back.
"I love you too" she chocked out. And as soon as he was out of the room she fell to the ground sobbing. How could she love this… this man? He was a stranger that she did not know anymore, this was not the Ron that she had fell in love with. This man was a stranger in Ron's body, and she was expected to marry him and be happy. How did she get into this? And how could she get out?