Chapter Eleven
The lab felt cold; a chill that penetrated the skin and made Avon shiver. There was a sharp quality to it, like tiny shards of ice piercing him, infiltrating every fibre of his being.
Have the temperature controls failed, or is it my imagination? The fears that preyed on his mind manifesting themselves in physical form? The last time he felt this way was in his cell at the detention centre. Avon shuddered involuntarily.
The only warmth he could feel was the continued touch of Cally's hand on his. It was not enough to banish the cold that seemed to reach into the core of his being.
Cally asked, "Are you sure you want to do this now?"
Avon lifted agonized and uncertain eyes as two different answers rose unbidden to his lips.
No, Cally. I can't face this. He could not bear the agony of the memories that made him feel less of a man, the ones that had made him a slave to someone else's pleasure. Humiliation and fear, anguish and hatred; they were so strong that he could almost taste them. His heart was pounding in his ears as his body reacted to the memories. He knew that he was starting to hyperventilate.
We have to do this, Cally. If we are to have a future, I have to defeat this. What was left of his spirit to fight was spurred on by his commitment to someone he loved more than his own life.
There was such pain and anguish in Avon's eyes, Cally wanted to put her arms around him. She wished she could erase the memories of all the things Servalan had done to him.
Avon said with fierce conviction, "Servalan can't win." He ripped off the backing from the patch and slapped it to the side of his neck. Avon closed his eyes as it began to work. The pounding in his chest slowed to a steady rhythm. No more flashes of uncontrolled panic, only the warmth of Cally's hand on his. Avon took a deep breath and opened his eyes.
The feelings had not disappeared but they were manageable now. A sense of emotional calm with his emotions longer out of control. He pushed them to a corner of his mind, but not all of them. There were ones he no longer wanted to hide. His rational mind recognized that he needed them.
Avon's eyes locked on Cally's as he began to speak. "There is something I have to tell you first before I go into what happened."
His mind went back to the day on Sarran, in Hal Mellenby's underground hideout. As Avon recounted the events, he could almost smell the faint salty air of the sea that penetrated the sealed chambers.
"None of you ever asked why Servalan had such an interest in me," said Avon.
"I assumed that with Blake out of the way, she considered you the next most dangerous threat," said Cally.
A sadly ironic smile crossed Avon's lips briefly. "That would have been flattering, if it had been true. Servalan had a much more personal interest in me."
He had a flash of memory. Servalan in a light mauve dress. The clothing should have given her a softer look, but she leant an air of overriding menace to everything she wore.
"She offered me a partnership."
Cally held her breath. You never mentioned that. Were you tempted? Even for a brief moment?
"She was a fool to think I would trust her or that I would have any interest in power."
Cally slowly let out the held breath. I should have known.
"Servalan had tricked me earlier on the beach by using an empty gun. I knew she was trying to gain control of the situation. Then she tried to secude me later in Hal Mellenby's underground base. That was when she offered me the partnership."
"She tried to seduce you?"
"Yes."
"That woman will use any means," said Cally with distaste.
"Yes. Before I refused her offer, I decided to assert my own control. I was going to kiss her, throw her to the ground and then reject her."
"She must have been livid."
"Oh, she was." Avon smiled as he recalled the angry look on Servalan's face as she was tossed to the floor. She had looked like she wanted to murder him.
Avon's smile disappeared as he remembered why he was recounting this event. "It was the first time I discovered…that…" Avon hesitated, unwilling to make this admission but knowing he must. He forced himself to continue, "We were physically attracted to each other."
"That was when it happened?"
Avon was shocked, "You knew?"
"I had suspected something like that from your reaction to her in the cellar when you shot Anna. And from some things Vila has said about your obsession with her after I was gone."
There was a faint flush on Avon's cheeks. "It was a purely biochemical reaction. It disgusted me but I couldn't help it. I was tempted physically but it was never enough to make me forget who she was."
Avon didn't want to admit it to himself but it was also a fascination with someone dangerous. They had been two adversaries locking blades for the first time, without the distraction of other people complicating the issue.
"Did…anything else happen?" Cally knew that he and Servalan had spent many hours together on Sarran. It made her uncomfortable that he had these feelings for Servalan. Even if it was just lust.
"No. The rest of the time, we were trying to survive each other's plots."
Avon felt strange. Normally thoughts of Servalan would fill him with deep hatred and overwhelming anger; and despite his attempts to push it down, fear. The drugs were helping to temper his body's reactions and they were also dampening his ability to feel the extremes of emotion. He was not hyperventilating and his heart was not racing wildly but it was also having an unexpected affect he had not considered.
Avon said, "I should have killed her then."
"I wished you had," said Cally.
Avon was uneasy. He was afraid to tell Cally that the drugs she had given him, removed his ability to feel deep hatred for his enemy, a situation that made his present situation worse. He could not just hate Servalan in his mind, he needed to feel it. In the years he had been a prisoner, hate was often the only way to block out the horror of what his enemies were doing to him. Hate had blinded and comforted him.
With Sester, the dull anger had been sufficient, but with Servalan, Avon had to have the hate in order to face her, even as an apparition of his mind. He had not realized the full effect of having the strong emotions reduced to this extent. He felt naked and defenceless.
But he was not alone this time. The warmth of Cally's hand penetrated his terrible isolation and reminded him that she was there. Avon focused his attention on her again.
I am not alone. I have help. I have people who care about me.
Avon knew that these words were sufficient for others. It filled them with confidence and a will to go on; but they were only words if they had no meaning to the one who was trying to convince himself that they did.
It was the curse of his rational mind.
Avon knew that emotional and relational ties were the source of Auronar strength. He found it ironic that a man, who ascribed so little importance to feelings, would find himself attached to someone for whom emotional ties were of primary significance.
Cally's example made him want to believe, but fear and rationality made it difficult.
The drugs didn't just rob him of the ability to feel the extreme hatred that was echoed and fuelled by his physical reactions, it also stole the his ability to feel strong positive emotions; the ones he had for Cally. Without them, part of him seemed to be missing.
Avon held onto what the drugs had left him, the muted feelings that almost seemed to belong to someone else. A drowning man grabbed onto any help he could find.
The love was still there. Avon breathed a mental sigh of relief.
His panicked mind had almost convinced him that it was gone; his rational mind told him not to be a fool. Emotions were not a product of the chemical reactions in his body. The 'physical' feelings were only symptoms.
What am I doing? I'm making the same mistakes again. He was trusting his rational mind to understand something that was beyond rationality.
Cally's eyes were full of love and concern. He knew that if she could take his suffering upon herself, that she would.
You are my lifeline; you have been for along time. With that admission, the warmth of Cally's hand seemed to flow along his arm and into his body, warming the cold that was there, stilling the shivering. With Cally, he would be able to do this difficult thing.
Avon broke the silence and said, "Servalan never forgot the insult."
Cally had been aware of the flow of emotions across Avon's consciousness. Even though they weren't strong, there was no mistaking how he was feeling. His prolonged silences would have disconcerted anyone except her. Even though she could not hear his thoughts, she knew that it was not silent inside his mind. He was struggling with himself and she could tell that he was winning.
She had been ready to step in and give him support if he needed it; she almost had several times. Sometimes the hardest thing in loving someone was to give them the freedom to be who they needed to be; even if it meant seeing them make mistakes.
Cally was afraid to ask the next question. The first time Avon had shown a fear of being touched in an intimate setting, she had suspected what Servalan had done to him. Cally had hurt along with him and shared his anger.
Servalan twisted and destroyed everything she touched. This time, she had come close to destroying a human being.
Avon's voice became quieter as he neared the source of his anguish.
"At first, she was satisfied with just the torture." His eyes had a faint pained look as he remembered the ruthless expertise of his tormenters. At times, he could still feel the phantom aches when he thought about it. "Sometimes she…" Avon jaw tightened. "She just wanted to see me suffer." That had been the worst of all the tortures, knowing that the pain being inflicted was for Servalan's amusement. Having her show concern even as she ordered that he be tortured again.
Avon paused; he needed to gather himself for the next part.
Cally projected a question to him, * How are you feeling, Avon? *
"I've felt better." He gave her a brief smile that was almost a grimace. "I have to go on."
* Alright. Please stop when it becomes too much. *
Avon squeezed her hand. * Some day you won't have to worry about me. * A slight grin touched his lips. * At least not this much. *
* That would be nice. *
Avon said lightly, * You'll have to find something else to occupy your time. *
Cally had a gentle smile on her face as she said, * I can think of many things. *
* I'm sure you can. * Avon squeezed her hand tightly. "I have to continue, if I don't, I might not be able to."
* Alright, Avon. *
"After I went back to Servalan, this was after you had rescued me from the transport vehicle, things changed. She was no longer satisfied with just the torture." Avon's voice trailed off. His throat was tense when he repeated, "She never forgot the insult."
He stopped and for the first time since he started talking about Servalan, Avon looked away from Cally. He stared down at their joined hands. His voice was a barely heard whisper now. "I had no choice. If I didn't give her what she wanted, she would have subjected me to the nightmares. I couldn't control them. I couldn't afford to let her know that I had ORAC looking for the antidote for you. I couldn't risk the nightmares revealing that I had made provisions to escape. It had seemed a small cost to pay…" The words choked him. He could barely breathe. "I did what she wanted. I used…the physical attraction between us. Forced myself…to love her." Avon was afraid to look at Cally, he did not want her to see his shame.
Cally wanted to cry. Avon's pain and the pain she felt for him, threatened to bring tears to her eyes, but she had to stay strong for him. Avon had to go on in order to purge these nightmares. He could not if she broke down.
"No, Avon. It was not love. She forced you to have sex with her. She…" Cally didn't want to say it. The realization of what Servalan had done to Avon made her want to turn the ship around and charge straight to their enemy's headquarters and level it to the ground. She said in an angry voice, "She raped you, Avon."
"No!" Avon reacted in horrified shock. He stood up abruptly, yanking his hand from hers. There was a helpless anger in his eyes. Avon said in denial. "She didn't." He backed away from her. "I made the decision." Avon kept backing away. "She didn't…" He sounded like a man trying to convince himself of something he knew wasn't true. Avon's back hit the wall and he collapsed against it.
Cally rushed over to help him. "Avon!" She touched him on the arm but he flinched violently away.
The drugs didn't seem to be working anymore. Everything seemed to be hitting him at once. Servalan's hands touching him, Avon shuddered as he felt them. Her heat against his skin, caressing him. Demanding. "No!" He said in a choked voice as he tried to banish the memories. His eyes closed tight and his body bent over in anguish. His arms wrapped around his chest protectively.
He wanted to run and hide, but there was no longer any safe place for him to go. They always found him wherever he was. His nightmares told him that. Then she would have him brought to her. His stomach lurched.
Avon felt something slapped against the side of his neck. He shivered and his eyes flew open.
"It's alright, Avon." Cally was kneeling beside him. "I gave you another patch. It should help."
Avon didn't know if it was just an effect of the increased drugs but the sight of her calmed him instantly. He could think clearly again. Cally's words repeated themselves in his mind. The ones that had sent him in a spiral of fear and denial. She was right. She always was about him.
Cally said, "I'm sorry."
"No. You were right."
She sat down beside him, careful not to get too close in case he had a reaction.
"I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to admit that she had that much control over me." The feelings were still there but they were no longer strong enough to overcome his mind. "Not dealing with it made it worse."
"It always does," said Cally. She reached for him hesitantly, wanting to hold his hand again but afraid that it would make him shy away. Cally put her hand down.
Avon noticed her movement and said, "You've wanted me to talk about this, haven't you?"
"Yes. It's the only way to deal with the nightmares permanently. You have to defeat them or come to terms with them."
"You never said anything to me."
"I knew that you had to come to this decision on your own. The will had to be yours."
He said, "Touch me."
Cally was surprised. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
"Take my hand." He unwrapped his arms from across his chest and extended a hand to her.
She hesitated but took it. Avon gripped her hand tightly and said, "I need to feel someone besides Servalan when I talk about her."
She said, "We should stop now." Cally was torn. She did want him to continue and deal with this problem but she was aware how much pain it was causing him.
"I want to go on. If I'm to be of any use against Servalan, I can't have this as a weakness for her to exploit. And…I want to do this for us." It was still difficult at times for Avon to express that he cared about someone. Avon wondered if he would ever feel comfortable with it. He hoped so, for Cally's sake.
Cally projected to him, * Alright, Avon. *
Along with her words, Avon could feel a supporting warmth and love, like a soft current flowing from Cally to him. It filled him with a sense of peace and security.
Avon continued. "There's not that much left. Servalan…" His body immediately tensed as his mind faced what he had forced himself to do in her bedroom. "She had me brought to her regularly at Residence One. She wasn't only satisfied with sex. She would always find some pretext to torture me." Avon's throat tightened. "A penalty for failing her in some way. Then she would demand that I…"
Without realizing it, Avon tightened his grip on Cally's hand.
Cally said, "You didn't have any choice."
"Sometimes, when she touched me, I wasn't sure if she was going to cause pain…or something else. Sometimes she did both." Servalan had found the implant in his knee very useful.
Cally wasn't just angry now, the thought of Servalan made her ill. "She's a sick woman."
Avon agreed with her wholeheartedly. "Yes." Now that he had told Cally about this, he felt lighter, as if some heavy burden had been lifted. He was no longer alone in this nightmare.
Avon put his other hand on Cally's shoulder and said, "Thank you, for being here."
"I wouldn't want to be with anyone else." She leaned a little towards him, wanting to kiss him but afraid to.
Avon felt for the patch in his neck and took it off. His voice was low. "We should go back to our cabin now and we need a counter agent for the drugs."
Cally's eyes widened.
**********
Back in their cabin, with the lights turned down low, they stood close and stared at each other, almost afraid to start. They could see the desire reflected in each other's eyes.
Cally asked in a soft voice, "Are you sure you're ready for this, Avon? You've just gone through a difficult experience."
Avon put his arms around her. "There is one thing I have learned today, that is, I am stronger with you, than without you. On my own, I could not do this. I was continually overwhelmed. With your help today, I am now at the point where we can try."
Cally teased, "You've calculated the odds of our success, haven't you?"
His lips curved upwards in a grin of amusement. "Of course. Would you like to know the numbers?"
Cally was very aware of his body pressed lightly against hers. "Some of us don't need to know the numbers."
"I need you to start," said Avon.
Cally carefully unbutton his shirt; going slowly, aware of his every breath.
Avon watched her face and saw the concentration and gentleness even as he felt her hands moving. He wanted to focus on her and nothing else.
Cally slid the shirt down his body, slowly revealing the the remnants of the scars. She had seen these before, under a clinical setting. Now they were only an ugly reminder of the woman who had caused them. Despite the advanced tissue regeneration technology of the ship, some of the scars still remained. They stubbornly resisted all attempts to remove them. Cally realized that it must have been deliberate. They weren't just a reminder, they were a mark of slavery.
She dropped the shirt on the ground and gently put the palm of her right hand over one of the scars on his chest. Avon shuddered slightly at her touch but didn't move away. His eyes were earnest, wanting her to go on.
Cally said, "We will find a way to remove these one day."
Avon nodded but didn't say anything.
She put her hand over his heart. * But today, we will remove them from here. *
He leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers in a soft kiss and then pulled back so she could continue.
Cally began to caress him, stroking her hands slowly and tenderly across his chest, following the scars, as if by her touch, she wanted to erase them. Cally could feel him breathing faster and deeper as she made her way down to his mid-section.
Avon bent his head down to kiss her again, this time, there was an eager hunger and desire. It was long, passionate and deep, stopping only long enough for Avon to slide her top over her head and drop it on the ground beside his discarded shirt.
They were lost in each other, their hands roaming over each other's bodies, fueling the other's desire. Cally sighed as Avon lowered her to the bed and lay down beside her. For a moment, Avon gazed at her. The next part was the last and most crucial one. So far, things had gone well but there was still a nagging fear.
Cally's eyes reflected concern and affection. * We can do this together. *
His response carried light laughter, * I would certainly hope so. *
The first touch of their naked bodies against each other caused Avon to shudder involuntarily but he didn't flinch away. The anguish returned. "I'm sorry."
Cally touched his face. "Don't be. We're making progress. Avon, you need to be able to focus on me in order for this to work. Is that right?" Her mind went back to something Vanora had said.
"Yes, it helps. What did you have in mind?"
* When I speak to you like this now, do I seem closer? *
Avon concentrated carefully, trying to become more aware of their mental connection. * Yes. You seem to be speaking next to my ear. *
*Vanora mentioned something once. She said that when an Auronar has a close mental connection as we do, intimate physical contact strengthens the bond. I will become more aware of you and I think that it is possible that you will become aware of me to a limited extent. I don't know if it will work. It may just work one way. Do you trust me enough to let me come in? *
Avon hesitated. Cally was asking to be able to 'see' him as he truly was, to be more vulnerable to her than he had ever been to anyone before. An old, never faraway fear reasserted its ugly head.
* You may not like what you find, * he told her.
She drew her fingers lightly along his cheek. * I doubt that very much, Avon. I have always been close to you, from the very beginning, even at your worst moments. I have never turned away. *
Avon took her hand and brushed his lips lightly over the tips of her fingers. * No, you haven't. * His eyes searched hers and found what he needed. For this woman, he would do anything.
He told her solemnly, * I trust you. I will try. *
* Close your eyes, * Cally told him.
Avon closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had spent a lifetime of putting barriers up, he wasn't sure he even knew how to bring them down. Despite loving Anna to the point of death, even with her, he had not allowed his walls to come down.
* Avon. * There was a soft wave of caring and warmth flowing towards him.
He marvelled at the sensations. Cally's presence gently brushing against his consciousness. Avon could sense her as a soft, vibrant light held back by the barriers of his mind, waiting to come in. The decision was his. He knew that if he chose not to do this, she would accept it and not pressure him. A relationship of true freedom. Just as he thought he had once with Anna.
You are not Anna. I don't know what the future may bring between us. Life and relationships are such inexact things.
Avon chose.
Cally had her eyes closed as well as she opened up her awareness of Avon; their two consciousnesses separated by his will. She had always been able to sense the cold walls of his mind; a construct of rationality and control, fuelled by pride, fear, pain and an ever present anguish. Once it had been an almost impenetrable barrier that only let across random emotions. Now, with the damage done to his mind, he could no longer maintain the control he once had.
She could 'feel' his indecision…and then she was 'touching' him. They both gasped, physically and mentally. Naked mind touching naked mind.
Cally was careful not to reach in too deeply; he was not an Auronar, such intimacy the first time would alarm any human, and this was Avon. There were so many things he was keeping at the edge of his mind that made her curious, but she would not invade his privacy.
Avon spoke hesitantly, as if he was afraid she would reject him now that she could see him more clearly. * You can see now? *
* Yes, Avon. I can see. * Her presence was warm and radiated a soft love. * You're beautiful. *
She hugged him and caressed him with her mind. The effect was erotic. Unconsciously, their bodies entwined with each other. Each gentle touch of Cally's mind reflected in their physical reactions. There was no thought of Servalan. No remembrance of their enemy. Just two people caught up in each other's presence and desires.
When they finally reached the climax, their minds and their bodies reacted as one, each sharing the other's joy and pleasure.
Afterwards, they held each other, their minds still lightly touching, not wanting to break the moment. Cally's head was resting on his chest. She lifted her head and looked at him. * Are you alright? *
A soft, peaceful smile lifted the corner of Avon's lips. It was a strange sight to see on his face, but a very welcome one. * More than alright. *
She lay her head on his chest again and closed her eyes. It was a good start. Avon had taken important steps in terms of banishing this particular set of nightmares today. Cally was under no illusions that one night of intimacy, no matter how good it had been, would fix all of his problems. It would take a lot of perseverance and strength on both their parts to unravel and heal all of the harm that had been done. For now, they were both tired and content and fell asleep in each other's arms.
Chapter Twelve
Avon and Argus sat across from each other on the flight deck, discussing the list of possible alien incursion threats Servalan's people had provided. Avon was perusing a datapad containing the information.
Argus asked, "So what do you think?"
Avon answered, "The second and the fifth one have possibilities."
Argus said, "They all have possibilities. I don't like the looks of the one on Solteral."
The weather satellite system on the planet had suffered a disastrous malfunction. It was a terraformed planet that was plunging into an ice age from which it had been reclaimed. The Solterans had barely survived the destruction of Star One. They were just starting to become prosperous again.
"You would. That's purely a humanitarian rescue. Servalan's people can take care of it. They are the ones with the expertise to repair the weather system. It does not take the capability of the Justice to handle that."
"The Federation?" Argus asked sceptically. It wasn't that he didn't believe the Federation would help; it was part of their empire after all.
Avon said, "Regardless of the reason, it is not in their best interests to allow the planet to become unproductive."
"I know that, but I would like them to see that there are avenues to help them other than Federation ones."
"A political motivation," said Avon with not a bit of distaste. "That is always a good reason to do anything."
Argus was puzzled. "I thought that you believed in the rebel cause and that was why you were with Blake. Are you saying that you didn't?"
When did you become a believer? The memory of Jenna's cynical voice rose from the depths of Avon's mind. The others never had understood him. Blake had, just a little. He suspected that Cally always did. He would have to ask her that some day.
Avon said, "It was never a matter of not believing in the cause."
"Then what was it?" asked Argus. This intelligent man before him was a constant mystery. He still didn't fully understand Avon's motivations. The only thing he knew was that his instincts told him that he could trust Avon.
Avon hadn't thought about these matters in a long time. He did sometimes, when he had been on the Liberator, and later on the Scorpio.
Yes. What was it? Why did I stay?
Normally thoughts of Blake would cause instant pain and an overwhelming sense of guilt and horror. It had been a long time since he had been able to think of those days with any semblance of coherence.
It must be because of what happened last night. Opening up to Cally and experiencing both physical and emotional closeness with her had changed him. The sense of no longer being alone wasn't just a mental acknowledgement, it was something he knew.
"Avon?" Argus asked with concern when Avon continued staring at him blankly but not answering.
Avon brought his mind back. "I was thinking about something."
"Anything that I should know about?" asked Argus.
"You want to know if I believe in the rebel cause?" asked Avon. "That is what you want to know, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"It isn't that simple," said Avon.
Argus said wryly, "Is anything with you ever simple?"
"Not for you."
"Do you like avoiding questions?"
"Alright." Avon gathered his thoughts. So far there was no sense of panic but he was careful not to think about Blake directly. He did not want to test his new sense of peace on something that crucial yet. He didn't want to deal with more than one set of nightmares at a time.
Avon continued, "I have never said that I don't believe but I have never thought that it was possible." He looked Argus straight in the eyes and said, "I still don't."
"Then why did you help Blake if you didn't believe it was possible?" asked Argus.
"He was full of confidence and he had the ability to make people want to believe, even against their better judgement. It was why the Federation was afraid of him." This was an ability that Avon had always envied.
"Against your better judgement, Avon?"
Avon hesitated and then said, "I thought him a fool for believing in something that could not be achieved. I…" The feelings that he had been able to hold at bay were starting to intrude into his consciousness. "Thought that if he took the time to think, he would realize this and stop what he was doing. He almost did when we first met. I tried to help him see the reality of the situation. I didn't want to see him throw his life away on a hopeless dream, not after what the Federation had already done to him and his family. It was only a brief moment, and then he was the fanatic again; only seeing the goal and not the overwhelming probability of failure."
Avon still remembered that day in the computer control room of the London. He could almost hear the anguish in Blake's voice as he told them about the Federation murdering his family and friends. The price of failure was high in the Federation, regardless of which side you were on. Avon knew that only too well. He had almost convinced Blake then, until Jenna had stepped in. Avon wondered what would have happened if Jenna hadn't. They would all still be alive. Blake would still be alive. Avon's stomach twisted in pain. It was starting again.
"Avon!" Argus's voice rose in alarm at the grimace of pain on Avon's face.
The shout caused Avon to draw his mind back from the memories. He was breathing hard, as if he had just ran several miles. Avon put his hand up, "Give me a moment." He calmed his mind and slowed his breathing. "I can't talk about Blake. Not yet."
"I won't press you. You can tell me when you're ready," said Argus.
"There is one thing I can tell you," said Avon. "I thought that Blake fought because he believed it was possible to win, but I was wrong. He fought because he believed the fight itself was important, even if you couldn't win." His stomach twisted again in sharp pain. Avon nearly doubled over. He put his hand up again to stop Argus who had gotten up and was going to come over to help him. "I have to say this. I didn't understand his reason for fighting until that last day when I killed him." Avon's fists tightened as he tried to block out the pain. He had left it too late; the memories began to flood into his mind like an irresistible tide. His hands gripping the gun…
Avon felt something against the side of his neck. He tried to brush it away but strong hands blocked him. The drugs from the patch that Argus had hastily applied flooded his system, giving Avon an instant calm.
Cally's concerned voice suddenly spoke in his mind, * Avon, are you alright? Do you need me to come? *
Avon responded, * I'm fine. I had problems with one of the memories but the patch is working. Argus is here. *
* Alright, Avon. * Cally's voice faded.
Argus was holding onto Avon's arm to keep him up, trying to give him support. He asked, "Do you need me to get Cally?"
"She was just here," said Avon. At the confusion in Argus's eyes, he tapped the side of his head, "In here."
"I'm going to have to get used to that," said Argus as he let go of Avon's arm.
Despite what had just happened, Avon wanted to continue. He was very careful this time. "To answer your question. I have always believed that the Federation needed to be brought down, or at least changed, but I have never believed it was possible. I still don't, but because of Blake, I accept that continuing the battle is as important as winning. For this reason, I will fight with you."
Argus nodded.
Avon added, "That does not mean that I agreed with Blake's methods."
There was more to be said but Vila came down the flight deck steps and joined them. Avon and Argus glanced at each other. The conversation was over, for now.
Vila sat down and said, "Which one of you beat up Sester without telling me?"
Both Avon and Argus said at the same time. "I did."
They looked with shock at each other.
Vila asked, "You were both in on it?"
Both Avon and Argus answered again. "No."
Vila's eyes narrowed, "You both beat him up separately?"
Argus asked Avon, "How did you…?"
Avon took the tracer control unit from his pocket, "I questioned him with this."
Vila said with dismay, "Well, you two geniuses nearly killed him."
Avon said, "That's not possible. I was very careful."
Vila turned to Argus.
"Vila, if I wanted Sester dead. You would not be here asking me. He would already be dead."
Vila said with exasperation, "And when both of you do it? One after the other?"
Avon said to Argus, "We do appear to have a problem. In future we should coordinate our efforts more effectively."
Argus replied, "You're right. I should have told you what I was doing."
Vila couldn't believe his ears.
Argus said, "Avon, it might be a good idea if you don't keep the control unit."
"Are you planning to give up your fists as well?" asked Avon.
"You have a point," said Argus.
Vila didn't expect to be heard when two Alphas were talking but he no longer accepted that his role was to listen. He said, "Avon, why don't you give me the control unit? And Argus, you need to stay away from Sester. You want him to help you against Servalan, but its hard to convince him if you keep beating him up."
Vila looked at them both nervously. They were staring at him. He couldn't tell what they were thinking or even if they were going to tell him to mind his own business. Vila wondered if it was going to be like it had always been, with no one listening to him.
Argus looked at Avon and asked, "What do you think, Avon?"
"It does sound like Vila but I would not rule out alien possession," said Avon. He sounded serious.
"You always think its alien possession," complained Argus.
"True," said Avon.
Vila protested, "I am not possessed by an alien!"
Avon said, "You are, in a manner of speaking. You are possessed by a new Vila."
Argus said, "We like this one."
Avon's eyebrows rose. "We do?"
Argus said, "You know you do."
Avon could not keep the amusement out of his eyes. He handed the control unit to Vila.
Vila stared at it. He couldn't believe that Avon was actually giving it to him.
Avon asked, "Have you changed your mind?"
Vila took the unit from Avon's extended hand. "No."
Avon said, "You realize that I can very easily make another one."
"Oh. Well…"
Avon said, "But I won't."
Argus chimed in and said, "Avon might want to borrow it occasionally though."
Avon glared at him and asked, "Does Commander Reve know that you beat up Sester?"
Argus grimaced.
Avon remarked humourlessly, "I thought not."
"You're not going to tell her, are you?"
"Do you plan to lie to her?" challenged Avon.
Why was it that Avon always knew how to get to him? "I…No, I don't."
Avon said, "I won't tell her unless she asks."
Vila said helpfully, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her. I won't say anything."
Avon looked pointedly at Argus. "It will hurt her, if she finds out, and even more if she discovers that you deliberately kept it from her."
Argus's shoulders slumped. "I know. I don't know what possessed me. I should never have hurt him that badly. I'm usually much more controlled than that."
"Jealousy?" asked Vila.
Argus glanced at him. It was something he had been trying to deny. He had not wanted to take a look at it that closely. Doing so meant thinking about Reya's and Sester's interaction together. He said reluctantly, "Maybe."
Vila said, "There's nothing to be ashamed of. You're a man. If anyone had…"
Avon saw Argus's anger rise. He said, "I wouldn't suggest pursuing it, Vila."
Vila stopped. For the first time, he noticed part of the patch sticking out from the edge of Avon's collar. He wondered what had been going on before he arrived.
Avon said to Vila, "We will leave the monitoring of Sester's progress to you. Let us know when we need to back off." He addressed Argus, "Agreed?"
"Agreed."
The three men began discussing their plans with regards to the psychostrategist.
**********
A little while later, as Avon, Argus and Vila were nearly done, Cally and Reya joined them.
Avon found himself staring at Cally as she came down the steps towards them. Though his face was as impassive as ever, there was a barely perceptible softness in his eyes as he remembered the previous night. Pleasant memories to drown out the nightmares in his head.
* Avon. * Cally sat down beside him as he moved over. Their thighs were touching lightly.
Before she could ask how he was again, Avon asked, * Can you look in on Sester later? He might be hurt. *
* What happened? * she asked.
* I need you to not ask any questions. Just trust me. *
She glanced over at Argus and Reya, who were sitting on either side of Vila.
* You don't want Reya to find out? * she asked.
Avon asked with consternation, * Are you certain that you can't read my mind? *
Cally sent an amused ripple towards him. * No, Avon. I just know you. Besides, it wasn't that difficult to work out. You realize that those two are going to have trouble over this? It can't be hidden indefinitely. *
* Argus is aware of it. *
* Alright, Avon. I will look in on Sester. *
**********
Sester sat on his bunk and lay back against the wall carefully, grimacing at the continued pain. He was trying not to use another one of the analgesic patches Vila had left him.
Vila had been very helpful lately, visiting him regularly and bringing food. Not that Sester had much of an appetite. He guessed that there must have been some internal damage done as a result of the beating he had received from Argus. The man's fist had been like tempered metal.
Sester was still resisting Vila's efforts to convince him to see Cally. Part of him wanted to avoid trouble between Reya and Argus. He did not want to see her hurt again. The other part of him was also aware that if she found out, and knew that he was trying to do the right thing, it would only benefit him.
He looked down at the chess set that he had arranged on the bed beside him. Another difficult configuration. He applied his mind to the task in order to take his mind off the pain.
The cabin buzzer announced another visitor. Vila.
Sester got up slowly and went to press the door control on the table. He had a puzzled smile when he saw Cally. She had a bag slung over her shoulder.
"To what do I owe this pleasure?" Sester waved her in.
Cally's manner was guarded as she said, "Avon said that you were hurt?"
Sester said, "Avon exaggerates." Avon being concerned about his health set off all manner of alarms in Sester. He wondered what everyone was up to.
She suddenly reached forward and tried to press her hand against his mid-section. Sester reacted quickly and backed away, but causing himself pain in the process. He grimaced.
"You were saying?" asked Cally.
Sester realized that Cally must know about the beating he had received from Argus.
Sester asked, "Does Reya know?"
Cally said cynically, "You can't fool me, Sester. It will be very convenient when Reya finally finds out what Argus did. Then you can seem noble in trying to protect their relationship, and she will be even more sympathetic towards you. And Argus will look even worse."
"You're much too cynical about me, Cally," said Sester with a wry smile.
"Spare me the act," said Cally harshly. "Take your shirt off and lie down on the bed."
"Normally, when women ask me to do this…" He smiled and began to unbutton his shirt.
"Save the banter for someone who is fooled by it," said Cally as she slid the bag off her shoulder and began removing some items from it. Cally was giving him no quarter; she was here as a professional, not a friend.
Sester draped his shirt over a chair and lay down. "You used to be much more fun than this."
"That was before I found out what you really were." She turned on a medical scanner and passed it over his torso.
Sester sighed. "Of course."
Cally studied the readout from the scanner as she said, "I don't appreciate your trying to act as if nothing happened."
"I don't suppose it makes any difference that I'm sorry for tricking you and for using the knowledge I gained to trap Avon."
Cally turned the scanner off and put it down. "You're expecting forgiveness?" she asked angrily.
"I was hoping for a little less hostility. I have been trying to help Avon after all."
"You're not going to get it. Nothing you do will ever be enough," said Cally as she picked up an instrument that looked similar to the tissue generator. This one was larger and had more controls on it. She changed the settings. "You have internal bruising. That is the cause for the discomfort you are experiencing. This is a deep tissue regenerator. It will repair the damage."
When she turned it on, the instrument gave off a soft blue light. She passed it over the affected areas.
Sester asked, "Why are you doing this?"
"You're my patient. I have a responsibility for the health of the people on this ship."
"Even of enemies?"
"Even you," said Cally. She turned the instrument off. "You should be fine now. Try to get up."
Sester sat up carefully. There was no longer any pain or discomfort. He smiled. "Thank you, Cally." He got up from the bed.
"Don't thank me," she said coldly as she packed up her equipment.
"Nevertheless, I am grateful. To you and to Avon."
"Avon does not want your thanks either," said Cally as she picked up the bag and headed towards the door.
He looked thoughtfully at the door after Cally exited. "I'm sure he wants something else from me," said Sester.
**********
Several hours later Avon returned to the flight deck to talk to Argus.
"We still haven't determined where we're going to next," said Avon as he sat down on the couch, facing Argus, who was at his flight station.
"I thought we were going to Solteral."
"Nice try."
Argus grinned. "Alright, lets discuss this. The aliens might be involved in the disruption of the weather satellite control systems. That means that it's not purely a humanitarian mission."
Avon said, "The Kuriam crystal mines are just as crucial. If it is the Andromedans causing disruptions there, they may be trying to control their own supply of Kuriam. That would not be good for anyone. The implications could be much wider than helping a single planet."
"No one's life is in direct danger there," pointed out Argus.
"The other consideration is the Goderich territories. They are directly adjacent to Sector Ten. The reports of increased hostilities there can be an indication of another alien incursion attempt."
"That's true, or it might just be a normal territorial dispute," said Argus. "Those territories are well known for them and they tend to keep to themselves."
"There's no way of knowing for certain until we go to investigate," said Avon. He stressed, "It is next to Sector Ten. Each one of these are potential dangers to humanity if the Andromedans are involved. It is a matter of scope."
Argus thought for a few moments. "The Goderich territories and Solteral are near each other, aren't they?"
Avon made some calculations. "At standard by ten, they're two days apart."
"Good. We can do both. Then we can go check out the Kuriam mines."
"You want to go to Solteral first, don't you?" asked Avon.
Argus grinned.
**********
For the next week, as the ship headed towards Solteral, everyone was busy. Reya had instituted regular training and practice sessions on the weapons range. Cally had started educating some of the ship's personnel on basic first aid techniques for field use. Vila was teaching some fundamental lock-breaking techniques to some of the Athol soldiers. Avon was doing research on the three places they were going to go. Argus began drawing up preliminary strategies and contingencies for each mission and discussing them with Avon.
They were doing that during Argus's shift on the flight deck when Zen reported. "Information. An incoming emergency communications signal is being received."
Argus looked over at the visual display. "Who is it from, Zen?"
Zen responded, "The source of the signal is Del Grant."
Upon the hearing of the familiar name, Avon's face turned pale and he dropped the datapad he had been working on. He couldn't breathe. A flood of conflicting emotions was choking him along with memories of Anna.
Argus was becoming very familiar with Avon's episodes. He rushed over quickly and applied a patch to Avon's neck.
Avon regained control as calm returned.
Argus asked with concern, "Avon, who is Del Grant?" There was only one Del Grant that Argus was aware of. He was a mercenary with a reputation for ruthless efficiency and exorbitant fees. This may or may not be the same one, but it was definitely someone who had a great impact on Avon.
"He swore that he would kill me once," he told Argus. "He has more reason to now."
"Then we won't answer the signal," said Argus.
"I have to."
Argus asked again. "Avon, who is Del Grant?"
"Grant?" The emotions might be under control, but the memories of Anna and Grant were not. Avon's eyes went out of focus as their faces appeared before him. "He was Anna's brother."
Argus may not know who Grant was, but he had heard of the infamous Anna. The Anna of Avon's nightmares. If Grant was her brother, then…
"Then we're definitely not answering this signal," said Argus. To him going anywhere near Grant would be too risky for Avon.
Avon's voice was deathly quite. "I loved Anna."
His mind was filled with echoes of the past and the twisted visions of his nightmares.
Anna's voice as he had always remembered her. I let you go. She had played him to the very end. It didn't matter if the sentiment had been real or not.
His voice as it had always been, a man desperate for someone who would not betray him. The voice of a fool. No. You never let me go.
His nightmare was coming to meet him. It was not giving him a choice. He spoke as a man who still had trouble processing what happened. "She betrayed me. She…tried to kill me." The nightmares did that to him. The Federation torturers had played on his guilt and the pain of being betrayed, feeding him a desperate fantasy that perhaps it had all been a mistake. She hadn't betrayed him. It was all a terrible error. His error. Avon screamed in agony and bent forward. "NO!!"
Argus grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "Avon! Snap out of it! Anna worked for the Federation. Her brother probably wants to kill you. You have to think! Avon!"
Avon's eyes were wild when he looked at him. He wasn't seeing anything except Anna. He didn't feel anything except his own arms around her as she lay dying.
Then the laughter of Federation torturers as they called him a fool. She betrayed you! She was working for us all along. It was all an act and you fell for it. She never loved you.
Avon cried out again, the agony of betrayal.
His mind had known the truth but a small part of him had allowed himself to be fooled by the visions. He had wanted to believe them. Avon looked up at the interrogators as they roared with laughter. He was the ultimate fool.
Argus shook him again but to no avail.
Avon's mind was no longer registering where he was. You said you let me go. Avon wished she hadn't said it. It would have been easier if she had never thought of him as anything but a fool. In that sentence, she had held out a cruel hope.
Why, Anna? Why did you force me to kill you?
The drugs may have been able to regulate Avon's physical responses but it could not stop his mind from shutting down. "Why…" Avon collapsed and fell forward as Argus caught him.