Chapter Twenty-One

After Sester said that there was more, Reya had sat down again.

Sester paced the cabin while she waited. His pounding headache had lessened in intensity, most likely due to the influx of adrenaline in his system as he told Avon and Anna's story. It was a point of stress for him. He knew that despite Avon's desire to know the truth, he didn't really want this truth. The knowledge that Anna did love him would be more devastating than any confirmation of her unbridled treachery.

The information had been a great burden for Sester. He hated that Servalan had put him in this position. Her reasons for doing this made him ill. She wanted to assert her control over Avon. She wanted him to feel the power she had over him; the power to tear his life apart at a moment's whim and then watch him desperately try to put himself back together again. Sester had watched it often enough at the Detention Centre; he had helped her do some of it. He didn't know if he could watch it again or hear Avon's screams of agony as they ripped into the heart he barely acknowledged he had.

Sester hated himself for being an instrument that could be used to cause this much pain. He wondered how many other lives he had destroyed in the course of his work. It had never meant that much to him before. You don't have feelings for puppets. Seeing Avon suffering another horrifying nightmare on the flight deck, had brought back memories of the isolation chamber and Sester's finest and most dreadful achievement. Until that day in the Detention Centre, he had never witnessed the cost of bringing a human being to the point where they lost all desire to live. Servalan may have authorized it, but he was the one who had knowingly made it happen.

The guilt was like a black hole that threatened to swallow Sester up. He could not do that to Avon again. The others may not believe him, they might see it as more proof of his treachery but he could not tell Avon what he wanted to know. It would hurt Avon too much to realize that he killed someone who loved him; that once again he had done something horrible and made a fatal mistake.

Sester shook his head. Why is it that you always find yourself in these situations, Avon? First Anna and then Blake. What possessed all of you? What happened to your brains? What enables this tragedy of errors in your life, Avon? A simple word. A little thought. If you, or Anna, or Blake had done just one thing different, it could have all been avoided and your life would not be in the mess it is now.

At times, at the Detention Centre, Sester thought that Avon wanted the pain they were inflicting on him; bowing his head as they broke his body, as if accepting a punishment for something only he understood.

Reya broke Sester's train of thought, "You said there was more?"

He was startled and turned to look at her. She was beautiful. Her hard face was softened by the humanity he saw in her eyes. A humanity, he knew he didn't possess. "Yes."

[Outside Avon's cabin, Vila had joined Cally and was working on the door panel in order to override the security lock Avon had placed on it. Vila straightened up and said in frustration, "I can't do it with this." He looked at the all-purpose tool he normally carried for such occasions. "He must have been watching me override the door panels and done something tricky with the lock."

Cally's face was heavy with concern. "Can you open it?"

"Not with this." Vila put his tool away in disgust. "I'll have to get my proper kit."

Cally's voice was tinged with fear as she said, "Please hurry, Vila." She had not been able to reach Avon with her mind and there had been no responses to repeated shouts and banging on the door. Her mind was shielded now against the continuing assault of emotions from Avon but it was not enough. She could still feel his pain and devastation. Something terrible was happening inside the room.

Vila was always affected by someone else's pain and fear. It was even worse, when he shared it. He ran off to his cabin to get the thieves kit that Argus had given to him as a birthday gift. It seemed like such a long time ago.]

Sester tore his eyes away from Reya. His feelings for her were a distraction that he wanted, but could not allow himself. He had more to tell her. "As I said, Anna loved Avon, but not in the way that he loved her. She loved him enough to help him and to let him go but not enough to give up everything for him. She returned to her life as Bartolomew."

"She was still a spy and she worked for the Federation."

Sester could almost hear the words she was not saying. "Reya, I know what you're trying to imply but I've already explained my reasons for what I do."

She was in an unrelenting mood. "I don't buy it. I don't think that you believe in what you're doing anymore. You feel guilty and it's eating you up inside. You can't do Servalan's dirty work for her anymore. That's why you've been drinking."

Her words were like a sharp knife piercing through to where the truth lay. His jaw tightened and then he said, "It's my turn to tell you to stop doing that."

She challenged him, "Am I touching too close to the truth? Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"

Sester's breathing increased with the stress of the confrontation. He had never felt defensive before. It was not a feeling he liked. He had never been harsh with Reya but he said with anger, "Stop! Do you want to hear the rest, or not?"

Sester's eyes were like that of a cornered animal. Reya realized she had pushed him too far. She said calmly, "Yes, I do."

Sester instantly regretted his uncharacteristic outburst, but it was too late to take it back. Reya had the ability to get underneath his barriers and chip away at the areas he was most vulnerable.

In self-defence, he continued telling her about Anna. "Anna expected that Avon would move on with his life and learn to live without her. That was what she did, but she did keep an eye out for him. Then Avon was captured and brought back to Earth for trial. He was sentenced to Cygnus Alpha. Anna still loved him and did not want to see him end up there. She had acquired quite a power base with her success as Bartolomew. Many people owed her favours. She used some of them to help Avon."

Reya was puzzled. "But Avon still ended up being sent on a ship to Cygnus Alpha."

Sester smiled. It was a burdened look that spoke of someone who knew too much that wasn't good for him. "Yes. That was his sentence and that was where he was sent. But not when."

Reya was even more mystified now. "I don't understand."

Sester asked her a guiding question. "Think about it, Reya. Who else was on the ship with Avon?"

Reya knew the answer but she still didn't understand. "You mean Blake?"

"Yes, Blake."

"Are you saying that it wasn't a coincidence?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Anna had something to do with it?"

Sester started pacing again as he told her the circumstances that had put Avon on the same ship with Blake. "When you put two people like Avon and Blake together, several inevitabilities are created. It's what psychostrategists call the predictability quotient. But you don't need to be a psychostrategist to know that it's a very bad idea to put the two of them together. Given half an opportunity, either one of them could cause a great deal of trouble and they both have a tendency to make things happen. Avon and Blake would have been bright enough to recognize each other's capabilities. Together, it was inevitable that they would attempt to escape. Alone, they each had half a chance. One had the technical ability to take over the ship and the intelligence to plan. The other had the ability to gather a group of people together and to lead them."

Reya asked, "But I understand that they didn't succeed. They tried to take over the ship but it failed. They only escaped when they accidentally encountered the Liberator."

Sester smiled. "That is the bane of a psychostrategist's work. It's the unpredictability of human actions. No matter how much we calculate and make provisions, even when things seem inevitable, there is always a chance that things will turn out completely differently."

"It's a good thing they didn't otherwise they would never have been able to get the Liberator," Reya remarked.

"That's very true."

[Vila rushed back with his equipment satchel gripped in anxious hands. Cally was frantic, she had continued to try calling out to Avon but to no avail. The emanations she had been receiving from him, despite her mental barriers up, were becoming very troubling.

Vila opened up the case, picked out a tool and began working on the door panel. His fingers were stiff with tension.

Cally said, "Please hurry, Vila!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" He shook his fingers and tried to relax them so that they wouldn't be so tense. He was very worried too.]

Reya asked Sester, "So Anna arranged for Avon and Blake to be on the same ship?"

Sester sat down again. "Yes. When Blake was sentenced to Cygnus Alpha, Avon was kept in a special holding facility away from the others. He was never supposed to be put on the London. He was to come on a later transport. The Federation was not going to risk having both of them together. Once they were on Cygnus Alpha, it didn't matter. You can probably verify that with Vila. Avon was never in the holding cell with the rest of the prisoners that were going to the London. He was brought in later when they started to board. Somehow Anna was able to arrange that. She had false orders issued for Avon's transfer and then had fake prisoner rolls sent to Civil Administration. As far as the Federation authorities knew, Avon was still at the holding facility, waiting for the next transport. You must have imagined their surprise when the captain of the London reported that Avon was among the prisoners who escaped. Central Security was furious. Several people were demoted to penal colonies. The Federation had intended to retrieve Avon from Cygnus Alpha, after a suitable period of time. They thought that after giving him a taste of what life could be like if he refused to cooperate, then he would be more reasonable, and they wouldn't have to employ more drastic measures that might damage his brain."

[In the cabin that Cally and Vila were attempting to enter, Avon was in shock. His heart was beating wildly but he no longer noticed. There was one word repeating itself in his mind, over and over again until it was the only word he knew. Anna. ]

[Vila said, "Just two more connections." His voice was full of anxiety, but his hands were steady as he continued to work on the door panel. Avon had done something very clever with the circuits. It was like unravelling a lock puzzle. Fortunately, Vila was very good at those.

Argus arrived and urgently asked Cally, "How is he? Have you been able to connect to Avon?" When Argus was informed of Cally's rushed return to the ship, he had come back immediately as well.

Cally was full of fear for Avon. She knew that something terrible was going on inside of him. "I haven't been able to. He's closed off to me and his mind has lost conscious control. Argus, he's in so much pain!"

Argus put his hand on her arm, "We'll help him, Cally. He's not alone. Do you know what caused this?"

Vila's hands stopped working and he turned towards Argus.]

Reya said, "But there's one thing I still don't understand. If Anna did all that for him, if she did love him, then why did she try to kill him?"

Sester's lips contorted as if there was something he didn't want to say but had to. "That was the greatest tragedy. You see, Blake was known by the Federation as a violent terrorist. He caused the deaths of many people. Blowing up major comm and nav centres like Saurian Major and causing the deaths of many thousands when the control systems went down. Anna never expected Avon to stay with someone like Blake. The Avon she knew was not a violent man. But when he stayed and helped Blake and heard all of the destructive things they did, she thought he had changed. When she saw Avon again in the cellar, Anna thought she didn't know him anymore. She was afraid he would kill her if he found out she had been a Federation spy so, she pretended that she was the Anna he had known. But then Avon realized the truth and she was trapped."

"That was why she tried to kill Avon?"

Sester looked uncomfortable, "I'm not sure she intended to kill him. She believed that Avon had become the kind of person who would kill her for betraying him to the Federation."

As Reya heard this, an increasingly horrified look came over her face.

Sester said, "I watched the footage from the cellar that Servalan provided when we rebuilt the scenario for Avon. Anna did pull a gun on him. Cally shouted in warning and Avon whirled around and shot her. It was a purely instinctive reaction on Avon's part, but Anna may not have meant to kill Avon. She may have only wanted to prevent him from killing her, so that she could tell him the truth. That would make more sense with what we know about her. But unfortunately, Avon never knew that when he shot her. There was no way he could have known that she didn't intend to kill him."

"So Avon made a mistake?"

"It is likely he did. Anna tried to explain it to him after she was shot. She tried to tell him that it wasn't all lies and that she did love him. She tried to tell him that she let him go but it was too late and she died before she could say more."

[Cally and Vila finally burst into Avon's cabin but his heart had already stopped.]

[In Sester's cabin, Argus overrode the door controls and went inside to stop Sester from saying any more, but it was too late, the damage had already been done.]

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

Arthur Miller

Cally held back tears as she worked on Avon, trying to coax his shattered heart back to life. She counted off the interminable seconds between compressions. With each one, Avon was slipping farther away from her. She could no longer sense his mind. He was as dead to her as he had wanted to become to himself.

Cally was afraid what they would find when he was returned to the living state he seemed to have abandoned. Wherever he was, it was where he wanted to be. Free from the pain of living, of being himself.

She felt guilty. Perhaps it was kinder to grant him his wish. Cally shook her head and continued pressing on his chest. No. There has to be something better than oblivion.

Cally felt selfish, even as she desperately tried to save Avon's life. She loved him. She needed him. He had become an important part of her and she couldn't let him go.

She projected as strongly into his mind as she could, but it felt as if she was shouting into the void. Avon, please fight. Please come back. I need you. We all need you.

**********

Vila raced to the medical unit to get supplies for Cally. He staggered a moment as sharp pains emanated from his stomach. It was an old problem rearing its irritating head. Vila steeled himself and continued onwards.

**********

"… she died before she could say more." After Sester was finished, he looked at Reya. She was very still and absorbed in thought. Sester's tired face held soft admiration as he watched her.

The cabin door slid open and Argus seemed to explode into the room. He instantly took the situation in and headed straight for Sester, his hands grabbing him by the collar and nearly lifting him off the floor before Sester could react. Reya had shot out of her chair and was only a step behind him.

Reya touched Argus's arm and asked in alarm, "Argus, what are you doing? What happened?"

Argus's eyes were like guided lasers that would slice through any obstacle with extreme malice. His voice was low and contained a dangerous anger. "He's killing Avon."

Sester saw the murderous look in Argus's eyes and decided that his normal baiting responses would not be the wisest move. He said in denial, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I haven't done anything to Avon."

Reya voice was firm and reasonable. "Argus, put him down and tell us what's wrong."

Argus took his eyes off Sester and turned his head to look at her. It did not help his anger. He had seen the look in Sester's eyes when he came in. The softness and something that made Argus want to slam the psychostrategist against the wall and through to the next cabin. He said with a tight voice, "What were you doing with him?"

Reya bristled at the accusation in his tone but there was also the ever-present guilt. "We weren't doing anything. We were having a talk about…" Reya hesitated. She had not promised Sester anything, but she knew it would seem to be a betrayal if she told Argus what Sester had revealed to her, without asking him first.

Sester saw her predicament and said, "I was telling her about Avon and Anna."

Argus said angrily, "That's what's killing Avon." He twisted Sester's collar and then he pushed him away, making him stagger backwards and hit the dresser.

Sester's eyes widened and he brought the tracer bracelet up to look at it. Then he glanced at Reya. There was a look of betrayal in his eyes that was quickly masked by a cynical, self-mocking amusement. I was a fool. Of course, you would do anything to help Avon. ALL of you would. I was nothing more than the enemy after all. You may have feelings about me but not for me.

Reya wanted to say something when she realized what Sester must be thinking. It wasn't me. I wouldn't betray your trust. But it was too late. Any denials by her in this charged atmosphere of paranoia and mistrust would fall on deaf ears. She said instead, "I'm sorry."

Sester said, "You have nothing to apologize for." There was an easy smile on his face again, that was touched with a hint of cool cynicism. He still loved her but now he knew where he stood.

**********

How many minutes has it been? Where is Vila? Cally continued working on Avon's lifeless body as the seconds passed. She wished she could take each one back.

**********

Vila arrived in the medical unit and emptied a box of medical equipment on the floor. He began gathering the supplies Cally needed for Avon. His stomach was really hurting now but he barely seemed to notice. All he knew was that Avon's heart had stopped and they had to get it started again.

If it was possible, he wanted to kick himself for his part in making this happen.

I knew it was a bad idea. I tried to tell him. How are we going to fix this?

Vila didn't want to lose his friend. No matter what Avon had been in the past, no matter what they had both been to each other, things were different now. They were no longer the same people, or rather they were, but they were what they both could have been if they had been given a chance.

In the past Avon could be a complete bastard but there were always hints of something more underneath, things that only showed when he risked his life for them.

And what was I? Vila knew that if he was being honest with himself, he wasn't that much better either. They had both done things they shouldn't have. He was brave at times, but many times he let other people take the risks. There were many things he felt guilty about too. Things he planned to make up for.

Avoiding risks you didn't have to take was the smart thing to do. Only an idiot would willingly walk into danger and he had spent most of his life running from it. Keeping himself alive and out of a penal colony was enough of a challenge without having to face danger for someone else. Vila suspected that Avon was the same.

It may have been selfish in their parts but when you didn't know if you were going to be alive tomorrow, it wasn't the worse they thing they could have done. Neither of them had chosen to work for the Federation, which would have been the safer alternative. Especially Avon. They would have valued him and given him whatever he asked for, as long as he did what they wanted. But both of them had chosen to operate outside of it, despite the risks, and even if it meant they would both become hunted criminals.

Vila knew now that the Federation had done some of it to him. He didn't know how much, but he was determined that they would never have that control over him again.

Vila put the final item into the box and ran back to Avon's cabin.

In the past, even before Gauda Prime, at times there had been camaraderie of sorts between them. But since they had rescued Avon from Servalan, and especially in these past few months, the possibilities that Avon had staunchly tried to deny before, had finally started coming to the surface.

Vila refused to lose what was no longer a might-have-been.

**********

Sester faced Argus, "Avon heard everything?"

Argus's voice was tight with unreleased aggressions, "Yes."

It was as Sester had feared. After all of the secrets and soul-numbing drinking, it had come to nothing. Sester allowed a faintly horrified look to spread across his face. "I didn't know." He glanced at Reya. "If I had, I wouldn't have said anything. I would never knowingly hurt Avon. Not again."

Argus felt helpless. All he could see in his mind was Avon suffering as he had been on the flight deck. In Argus's imagination, it became ten times worse. There was nothing he could do. He really wanted to blame Sester but knew he couldn't. That made him even angrier. "You kept this from us!"

Sester said calmly, "And for very good reason. I knew this would happen if Avon found out and I was right. But now is not the time for this, you can beat me up later. Avon is in trouble."

With Sester's words, Argus came crashing back to a reality that was not focused on himself. His temper cooled and he said, "You're right. There will be time for this later."

Sester asked, "How is Avon?"

For Avon's sake, they all acted as if they had not almost been at each other's throats.

Argus replied, "I don't know. He's locked himself in his cabin and Vila is trying to break in. Cally hasn't been able to reach Avon with her psi abilities, but she says that he's in trouble. That's why I came to stop you."

Sester said with equal concern, "I was afraid of that. That's why I decided not to tell any of you."

Argus asked, "Do you know what's happening with him?"

Sester looked at Reya. "You know."

Reya's eyes passed between the two men. "Yes." She told Argus, "It's a long story but the crux of it is that Anna did love Avon and he may have killed her by mistake."

Argus took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now he understood and it was as bad as he had feared. With all of the nightmares that already haunted him, Avon could not take this kind of additional shock.

He turned to Sester and fixed him with a long stare. There was only a slight hint of recrimination in his voice as he said, "If you had told us this from the very beginning, rather than lie to us and keep this information to yourself, we wouldn't have tried to find out and Avon won't be where he is now."

Sester said, "You're right. I suspected that this might be inevitable, but I did everything in my power to prevent it."

Reya said, "Argus, he's right. He did try to prevent this from happening by keeping the information from us. Servalan wanted him to tell us, but he didn't. Vila came to me and told me that Sester had been drinking."

Sester tried to stop her, "Reya, don't…"

Reya told him, "I have to say this. Sester cares about Avon and he feels guilty about the things he did to him. He's told us that repeatedly and he's shown it to us by his actions. If he didn't care, he would have followed Servalan's orders and told all of this to Avon. He was willing to risk himself with Servalan by refusing to tell us. The pressure has been so great that he's been drinking. He would rather do that than try to hurt Avon again."

Argus rebelled at hearing all of this from Reya. He said sarcastically, "You're painting him out to be quite the hero."

"Argus, stop it!" Her eyes pleaded with him for reason and understanding. "Please."

Her tone made Argus feel terrible. "I'm sorry."

Reya knew that there was much to work on between them, but now was not the time. She said, "We should go and see how Avon is." Without another word, she headed for the door and both men followed her out.

**********

Vila came back with the supplies. As he handed the box to Cally, he immediately asked, "How is he?"

Cally took the box from him and took out a cardiac stimulator. She tried to keep the fear out of her voice and forced herself to concentrate on what she was doing. "I couldn't get his heart started." Spreading Avon's shirt farther apart, she applied two remote pads to his chest and turned them on. Her hands faltered as she said in a shaky voice, "I don't think he wants to come back."

Vila said in a panic, "But he has to! We can't lose him, Cally! We'll help him!"

"I know." She turned on the unit and set the controls. I'm sorry, Avon. "Clear, Vila." Vila backed away from the bed. Cally pressed the activation control and the charged pads sent shocks to Avon's heart, trying to force him to come back to a life he no longer wanted. Avon's body arched and then slumped back onto the bed.

**********

Argus, Reya and Sester arrived at Avon and Cally's cabin as Cally was administering the shocks to restart Avon's heart. Vila turned to acknowledge their arrival and then looked anxiously back at Avon again. They all stood to the side and tried to keep out of the way.

Cally depressed the activation switch again for the fifth time and Avon's body arched. Each time she did, with her mind she would call out to him.

This time she added a plea, * Avon don't leave me. Please. *

The monitor on the cardiac unit coughed out a beep. A single one. Their mouths opened in shock and they all leaned forward, straining to hear something they weren't sure they had all heard. With fearful hope, Cally applied another shock. * Avon, come back. We need you. I need you. *

Another beat. Cally put her hand on Avon's chest and tried to reach for his mind; sending him comfort, encouragement and love. His presence was barely registering; he was like a sputtering flame that was threatening to extinguish itself.

A few more faltering beats. Everyone's faces took on an anxious hope.

A weak but steady rhythm began to emerge. Faces broke out into smiles and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

Vila hugged Cally. "He's back!"

Cally kept her hand on Avon's chest as she continued to send him encouragement and love. It was troubling that she was receiving no answering responses despite the intimate contact. Avon didn't seem to be aware of her.

He was back, but none of them knew what that meant now. Avon had heard something that made him not want to live anymore. None of them knew what they would find when he woke up.

Cally knew that he had come back for them. For her. She was afraid what it was going to cost him.

Were they going to regret bringing him back?

**********

Servalan had a speculative look in her eyes as she sat watching the viewscreen. She had the aura of a snake that was anticipating swallowing a helpless morsel. As always, footage of Avon was on her screen. Avon struggling against the bonds that fastened him to a table. He was being forced to relive the day in the cellar; again and again, each scenario worst than the last, until he was almost comatose with grief and guilt and horror.

She could almost see him in her mind's eye. She could imagine the same look on his face as he heard what Sester was telling him. Servalan wished she could see him collapse to his knees as the truth sunk in.

There was a likelihood that Avon would collapse. They had left his heart very weak and it wouldn't be able to stand too much strain. Servalan wasn't worried though. That was what Cally was there for. All of her little unknowing soldiers, doing exactly as she wanted, even in this. It was such a delicious thought. She relished the day when she would be able to tell them all, the day when she reclaimed her property and destroyed those who were no longer of any use to her.

Servalan's lips curved in a predatory smile.