Okay, on with the show! Not much further to go! This is chapter four and there's only one more! It's hot and it's strong and it's 5,926 words long! L is quite sleazy, but Light? He's not easy!
Curses on my damn metabolism! Sugar high in operation… stand clear! Maniac on the loose! XD
Thanks as always to recipe for insanity for beta reading – you made me blush and go – What? XD
SPOILERS: Up to episode 18 anime/chapter 38 manga.
DISCLAIMER: Death note and its characters are not mine. Only this story is mine. Yay! I have a story – all of my very own!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Raito's staring at himself in the mirror.
They're in the toilets outside the investigation room. L's washing his hands, Raito having already finished that task. Now he's gazing into his own eyes in mystification. He looks just the same as usual. Pristinely perfect, calm, attractive, buttoned up and in control. So why –
"Is Yagami-kun afraid he may have a spot?" L's behind him, close, peering into the mirror along with him as if wondering what Raito sees there.
"No," Raito says. How can he tell the perverse young detective he's looking for some sign of the other Raito. The one that moans and cries and sucks when commanded to – the submissive toy that is subject to L's every whim.
He shivers as L's lips suddenly press against his cheek, the detective's arms sliding around his waist. "Don't," he murmurs, reflexively.
"Raito-kun's ability to remain in denial is impressive," L comments. "Both about this and – other things."
"I'm not in denial about anything," Raito disagrees. "I'm not Kira and I don't want to have sex with you."
"Raito-kun should ask himself something," L suggests. "Is he rejecting the things we do together because he really believes he does not desire them? Or is it that he just wants to believe that they are not what he wants?"
"I'm not in the habit of lying to myself, Ryuuzaki." Raito gives the disbelieving expression on L's face a black look and turns, walking decisively out of the restroom and giving the detective no option but to follow.
He buries himself in work thereafter, ignoring L's occasional glances at him. Taking no notice when the detective sighs or spins on his chair or has vast trayloads of cakes and coffee delivered. He doesn't want to think about the perverse sleuth, but apart from that, he's absorbed in what he's doing. So absorbed, he nearly jumps out of his skin when L leans over him, warm breath on the side of his face.
"Ryuuzaki!" he exclaims. "Don't creep up on me like that!"
"I am not creeping, Raito-kun," L protests. "I have spoken to you three times already and you didn't hear me. I came to see what it is you're doing that is so much more interesting than what I have to say." Than me; Raito hears the unspoken words, and inwardly gives himself a sour smile. So the lust-lorn detective is feeling neglected? Serves him right, Raito considers.
"I'm working on a program," he says. "To collate the data that's available worldwide about who's died and what they died from. I'm including statistics from police forces, public offices and even organisations like the CIA and SIS. I'm cross-referencing the information with details of any criminal record or even suspicion of criminal activity that the dead people may have had."
"Raito-kun truly has a remarkable mind," L murmurs in the boy's ear. "But he should consider his body also and have a break for lunch."
"I suppose." Raito reluctantly turns his eyes from the screen, stretching the kinks out of his limbs, aching from having been sitting so long in one position. He continues to ignore L while eating his lunch, a bento box Matsuda has produced from somewhere. Thinks about Kira while chewing on the pieces of fish and vegetables and ignoring the disappointingly undercooked rice.
He's puzzled, now he has time to think about it, that L is still convinced that he was Kira. The detective has many faults. He's eccentric, slobby, rude on occasion and careless of social conventions to a fault – and it seems now that he's also a determined and ruthless sexual predator. But L's deductive faculties are flawless and if he thinks Raito is Kira, it's certainly something to be considered.
He seems to hear L's voice in his mind, paraphrasing what the man said to him this morning.
"Raito-kun should ask himself if he rejects the evidence because he truly does not believe himself to be Kira. Or if he just wants to believe that he is not."
Raito considers it. Is he Kira? Could he be Kira? He certainly agrees in principle with Kira's ideals. That there are some people the world would be better off without. But that's what the police and the law are supposed to deal with. Also, there could be extenuating circumstances when someone committed a crime – things that Kira would have no way of knowing about. So it wasn't the evidence he was rejecting. It was the idea that he could change his beliefs and nature so much as to commit murder on a vast scale without even knowing the circumstances of the criminals he was killing.
"I couldn't…" he mutters, noticing that the words attract L's ever-vigilant attention. But the man doesn't say anything and Raito returns to his thoughts. Was he really a person that avoided thinking about difficult things? Someone who told himself what he thought he wanted to hear? It was certainly the way he treated everyone else – but himself? This – this thing with L, for instance. He'd told himself that he didn't want it, that he was only partaking in it under sufferance. But every time L touched him, he'd given in, with what could be described as only token protests. So did he want it? Were his objections just ruses to convince himself that he was being forced, that he wouldn't willingly offer himself to L as the submissive partner in their – arrangement?
He sighs, aware that to admit even the slightest degree of longing for such a relationship would necessarily entail a significant shift of his view of himself. He's always thought of himself as a strong person. Self-sufficient. Well, he's had to be. So could it really be the case that, given the chance to be dependent on someone else, in fact to be compelled by someone else, he'd happily take it? And yet – he doesn't do anything to stop it happening.
The first time, he could write it off as an accidental event, brought about by frustration on his part and curiosity on L's. But then it happened again, in a manner that made it plain the detective had considered and orchestrated it. Now, if ever, was the moment at which Raito had to put a stop to it, if he was going to. Tell his father, refuse to sleep with L, something like that.
If he doesn't – it will be as good as saying that it's fine with him and the depraved detective can do whatever he likes. He fidgets on his chair at the images that thought conjures up, then drums his fingers on his desk, annoyed with himself. Why is it taking so long to make a simple decision? Does he want to? Or doesn't he? As he's already considered, the detective is duplicitous, secretive, badly-dressed and has terrible eating habits. He's not at all what Raito would think to look for in a lover. Apart from him being male, which Raito is embarrassed to find isn't the foremost objection he's found, though it ought to have been.
This whole situation has come about because L has seized his window of opportunity while Raito was disoriented after being confined so long; and taken his chance to inveigle his partner into a physical relationship while he was feeling weak and vulnerable. That's not the action of a nice and pleasant personality.
On the other hand, Raito is quite aware that he doesn't have a particularly endearing personality himself. He has plenty of attractive personae he shows to people, which isn't the same thing at all. So perhaps they suit each other.
He realises that he's gone a long way from the point of his original train of thought, which was, could he be Kira? Maybe he just doesn't want to think about it. Maybe even thinking about whether he should be having sex with Ryuuzaki is better than thinking about that.
He shakes his head and gets back to work, aware that he's come to no decision about anything. But he feels as if he's taken a turn for the better. He's not so fogged with confusion about anything and everything, in fact he feels as if he's recovering from his time in the cell, returning to normal. He also finds it rather exciting to admit that there are things that he doesn't know about. Events he can't explain. He realises that it's true, he does tend to give himself an easy explanation, but whether those explanations are right or wrong is something he now needs to find out, no matter how long it takes.
He sets to work rummaging through the evidence once more and after a couple of hours of intensive searching, he's convinced that there's nothing to definitively connect him to Kira's activities. On the other hand, he's more aware than ever that his own mind is leading him to suspect that he is connected to them. He knows things that L doesn't, there are times he doesn't remember too well and they all seem to coincide with episodes of Kira activity. There are things he's done that, although he seems to have concocted reasonable explanations for them to himself, he can't logically justify those explanations. He sighs. Well, he may have been a mass-murderer, though he doesn't want to think so, but he isn't now. And as far as he can see, there's no real proof that he was. Of course, if there was, he'd be in prison by now. L would make sure of that. So what if some kind of proof turns up later? What does he do about that?
He pushes back his chair a little, staring into space and tapping his pen on the desk. What would be likely to make L think twice about arresting his companion, even if he did find irrefutable evidence that he was Kira?
Raito smiles to himself as he finds he has no problem at all answering that question. All he has to do is continue along the same path that L himself has set them upon. But can he? Does he want to? He tells himself no, that if he did – if he allowed himself to be used, yes, used, as the object of L's bedtime games, it'd only be because he wants to stave off the detective's need to convict him, should he be proved guilty.
But, despite his gift for twisting the truth inside his mind to fit his requirements, he is a genius after all, designed for analysis and revelation. He's papered over the cracks in his personality with self-delusion for a long time but now the walls are crumbling and daylight's shining in. He clutches his head, helpless to resist the urge to demystify himself, to search, to know…
"Raito-kun? Is something wrong?"
Raito becomes aware that L's speaking to him, and looks up to find the young man's gaze on him, concerned and questioning. It strikes him as ironic, suddenly, that he's found it easier to admit he's likely to be a mass-murderer than he does to concede the attraction he feels for this one strange and shabby individual. He bursts into laughter, clutching handfuls of his hair in both hands, feeling crazed and confused and strangely liberated by his confusion.
"Does Raito-kun have a headache?" L persists. "Is he feeling unwell?"
Raito collects himself somehow, aware that the other team members are now taking an interest.
"No, Ryuuzaki," he hiccups. "I'm – I'm fine. I just – I don't know. I'm just tired of sitting here, that's all."
L nods, as if that's a perfectly reasonable explanation. And perhaps, to him, it is, Raito considers. After all, he doesn't seem the most stable person in the world.
"Raito-kun needs some fresh air and exercise," he announces. "He is suffering from mental fatigue. I will attend to his needs and the rest of you will go home now and spend some time with your families, who are no doubt missing you."
Without giving anyone a chance to reply, object, or even comment, he sweeps up the chain in his hand and drags Raito from the room.
"What?" Raito tries to protest, but now he's out of sight of everyone else, the laughter he's been containing overwhelms him again and he follows L up flight after flight of stairs, gasping and giggling.
He doesn't stop until they're on the roof, gazing out at the bustling commotion of Tokyo far below.
"This is your idea of fresh air, Ryuuzaki?" Raito teases.
"Well – air," L says ruefully. "Mostly hydrocarbons, I'm afraid. It's the best I can do just now. I wish I had somewhere better to take you."
"Would you like that, Ryuuzaki?" Raito asks curiously. "To take me somewhere?"
"We could go dancing." The detective's face is childlike, mischievous.
"A date?" Raito gives his windblown companion a suspicious look. "That's hard to imagine."
"Raito-kun should tell me what is bothering him and driving him into fits of hysterics." L changes the subject.
"Nothing, Ryuuzaki." Raito decides he's not going to share. "Like you said. I'm just overtired."
"Then Raito should sleep," L decides. "Let us go down and he can have a nice nap while I get on with some work."
Despite his doubts about L's intentions, Raito is surprised to find the detective seems to have spoken no more or less than the truth about what they'll do next. They return to their rooms, where Raito changes into his pyjamas, keeping a weather eye out for any hints of molestation from the raven-haired man. But L is engrossed in what he's doing on his laptop and merely grunts something when Raito tells him he's going to sleep. The boy shakes his head, finding his friend incomprehensible. But he's tired and doesn't want to think about that now.
Raito's sleep, as usual, is troubled with nightmares, restless and unpleasant. He wakes, finally, to find himself sweating, nervous and unable to move, still held in the grip of evil dreams.
He manages to move one hand, trying to brush the damp hair from his forehead, but finds he still can't bring it to his face.
"What?" he croaks. "What – Ryuuzaki?"
"Raito-kun." The detective appears in Raito's field of vision, leaning over the boy, a solicitous look on his face. "Let me help you." He produces a handkerchief from somewhere and gently wipes Raito's forehead, then lifts a cup from the bedside table. "I made Raito-kun some tea. But I shall have to assist him to drink it."
"What – why?" Raito realises then. L isn't chained to him any more. Instead, the chain has been wound through the bedposts, both of the boy's wrists connected to it, leaving him with arms spread and unable to sit up.
"Ryuuzaki, what the hell?" Raito demands, fixing the sex-fiend with an incandescent glare.
"I have restrained Raito-kun," L says, sounding as if he's quite proud of himself.
"But – but – L, what is it with you and bondage?"
"I am afraid that if I do not fasten Raito-kun down, he will run away from me," L says simply.
"I might not be so likely to if you behaved in a reasonable and civilized way!" Raito retorts angrily.
"Define reasonable."
"You could ask me to – to do these things, instead of acting unilaterally like – like this!" The frustrated brunet replies, slightly distracted from his rant as he feels L's hands starting to undo the buttons of his pyjama top.
"But Raito-kun's denial would force him to say no and then we would be left sitting at opposite ends of the room, reading a book." L gives the bound boy a beaming smile. "Personally, I think this is a much more enjoyable way of spending our alone time."
"Do you –" Raito draws in his breath as L's mouth descends on his chest, then collects himself. "Do you plan that we should do this every night, Ryuuzaki?"
"Yes, Raito-kun, that is my plan." L's voice is slightly muffled due to his lips being wrapped around a mouthful of his victim's pectoral.
"For God's sake!" Raito expostulates, then gasps as L clamps his mouth firmly around his nipple. "You perverse, insatiable bastard!"
"Mhnm."
"That's not supposed to be – uhnn! – a compliment!"
"Hmh."
"Oh, God, L!"
Raito gives in and throws his head back, moaning as the detective's mouth travels down his body, licking, kissing, nibbling at his most sensitive areas. Pulling down his pants, then pushing them completely off, as his tongue runs around the crest of Raito's hip. His hands find the boy's weakness, squeezing and stroking the skin of his inner thighs and Raito, unable not to, spreads his legs apart, allowing the older man access.
He lifts his head a little, looking down the bed, watching L pleasure him. The sensations seem even more intense than the night before, as if his body is becoming used to this, adapting to it and craving it.
L glances up and smiles, seeing the flushed, sweating boy watching him, then slowly, deliberately, licks up the length of Raito's erection, the way he'd lick a lollipop. Raito mewls in delight, bucking his hips upward for more. He moans shamelessly as L continues his ministrations to his needy member, hardly noticing when the detective reaches across to the bedside table.
Then he feels the now familiar fingers circling his entrance, rubbing at him and lifts himself, allowing L to penetrate him, expecting the swift jolts of pleasure the tormenting digits have given him before. But instead, L withdraws them after a couple of thrusts.
There's a pause, then the fingers are back and once again, Raito braces himself for pleasure. It crosses the back of his mind to wonder why he feels so wet there tonight, as if L's used far more lube than before, but he forgets it as teasing fingertips brush across his prostate. He groans, hair flying across the pillow as he writhes beneath the twin assaults of L's fingers and his wickedly expert tongue, the chain clanking as his hands tense into clutching fists. Lost in sensation, he doesn't protest as L lifts his legs, positioning them over his shoulders, presumably to give himself better access.
"Raito." L lifts himself, Raito's legs practically wrapped around his neck. The detective leans forward and Raito suddenly realises what he's planned, what he's been leading up to and – it's too much. He lifts a hand as if to push the detective away, but the chain pulls it back and it's too late for that anyway.
L pushes forward eagerly and Raito gives a cry of pain as the thick shaft enters him.
"Stop!" he yells.
"I do not want to stop, Raito-kun," the detective says, but stops nevertheless and stares down at the younger man rather sulkily.
Raito looks back at the raven-haired man, his flushed face, tangled locks, the mingled lust and caution in his eyes. He realises that he still has some control here, despite the situation. L doesn't want an unwilling partner.
"Wait, L," he says. "Just a moment. It hurts."
"I do not wish to cause Raito-kun pain," L's expression becomes penitent and he pulls out of Raito completely. "I shall wait until he informs me I can proceed. Though it is difficult."
Raito brushes away the daze of fear, desire and tiredness from his mind, thinking at lightning speed. What to do? He can't fight, he won't plead, but he can – distract.
"What would you do if I thought I was Kira, Ryuuzaki?" he asks suddenly. "If I admitted that the evidence all points at me?"
"Raito-kun remembers being Kira?" L's face is alert now, watchful and, the younger man notices, tinged with a look of near-disappointment.
"There are times I can't account for. Things I did I can't explain." Raito says slowly. "I remember you. Our friendship. But I don't remember what I felt about you. We talked, and I remember that. It was interesting. But it's as if I remember the things happening and there's no emotional content attached to them at all."
"Raito-kun does not want to remember that he hated me because he was Kira."
"It's not about wanting to," Raito explains patiently. "I know there are things I don't want to think about or consider. It's as if there's nothing there to remember at all."
"This whole Kira business reeks of incomprehensible supernatural nonsense," the detective complains, then looks down at himself mournfully. "That was a passion-killer, Raito-kun. Now I shall have to get into the mood all over again."
Raito stares up at his tousle-haired captor, who obviously has no intention of thinking about, or talking about the Kira case right now. Even if his suspect seems to have a mind to confess his possible involvement in it.
The detective wants sex, that's clear, and nothing else will do. But Raito knows, if he lets L take him like this, painfully, restrained, it's going to be setting an unhealthy precedent for both of them. He believes he could persuade L to stop if he really wanted to, if he played the pity card to its fullest extent, since he won't want to think of himself as a rapist. But that seems unkind after L's attentions and kindness. The boy grimaces, knowing that he's thinking in exactly the way L wants him to think. But it's still not in him to reject the detective. It would be more selfish than he feels like being with this man. So what else can he do?
"Unfasten my hands," he says instead.
"I will release Raito-kun if he promises to participate and not attempt to escape me." L's eyes are even darker than usual, he looks impatient.
"I won't try to escape," Raito assures the other man.
"But, Raito-kun," L leans forward, speaking in a low, almost threatening tone, "you are frightened, are you not?"
Raito stares into the darkness of the detective's eyes and capitulates.
"A little," he admits.
"So why would Raito-kun not run away from me if I free him?"
"Being restrained like this," Raito moves his hand, making the chain rattle. "That's what's making me nervous. I want to be able to touch you, Ryuuzaki. I feel as if you're expecting me not to like it. As if – as if you're forcing me."
L's eyes flash briefly as if he likes that idea, then he sighs and reaches forward to unfasten one of the cuffs, pulling the chain away from the bedposts and reattaching it to his own wrist.
Raito bites his lip nervously as he's released. He rubs his aching arms, glancing up warily at the detective who's watching him with a hungry look in his eye.
"Is Raito-kun ready now?" L asks and now the slightly displeased note in his tone is quite clear.
Raito hooks one leg around the back of the older man's and tries to smile.
"Yes, Ryuuzaki," he murmurs.
"I think what you mean is, no, Ryuuzaki." L turns away suddenly, lying down on his own side of the bed.
"What?" Raito leans up on his elbow. "Ryuuzaki? What are you doing?"
"Going to sleep, Raito-kun."
"I don't understand?" Raito practically wails. "You do all of this and then you just go to sleep? When you've – you've got what you want?"
"No I haven't." The detective curls himself into a ball and pulls a pillow firmly over his head, apparently unwilling to indulge his companion with any more conversation.
Raito sighs, laying back down. He doesn't feel like dealing with the detective's childishness and he's more than a little relieved that he hasn't had to go through with L's plans for their night's entertainment. He's conscious that there are other emotional considerations vying for his attention, but he dismisses them for now and closes his eyes, exhausted and hoping for a good night's sleep at last.
Despite determining to keep his mind off recent events, Raito finds his mind returning to them again and again. The time since his confinement. Thinking he was released and then… he jerks awake as he finds himself remembering too vividly the moment when he thought his father was about to shoot him.
"Uhhh!" he exclaims involuntarily.
"Raito-kun?" L is in his face again, leaning down to peer curiously into Raito's eyes in the dim light.
"Bad dream, Ryuuzaki," Raito explains with a sigh.
"Raito has experienced many events recently which have upset the regular pattern of his life," the detective says, settling down again a lot closer to the sleep-disturbed boy. "No wonder if he has nightmares."
"I suppose," Raito mumbles, tired, but unwilling to try sleeping again for a few moments.
"He should think about something pleasant before sleeping, in the hope that he will dream about that." L suggests.
"Hm."
"I think about Raito when I am going to sleep."
"Wondering how you can get me to confess to being Kira?"
"Not particularly, Raito-kun." L murmurs. "Raito-kun is my friend. And my suspect. Now he is my sexual partner as well."
"About that, Ryuuzaki –" Raito's starting to feel a little guilty now about cutting short their latest romp.
"Raito-kun has no need to apologise." L sighs. "I realise that I was importunate. I chained Raito to the bed and scared him. After all of that, there was no hope that he would enjoy what was to come."
"Was I supposed to enjoy it?" Raito demands. "Was I supposed to enjoy any of this, Ryuuzaki?"
"Raito-kun has enjoyed it." L leans up again, the black enigma of his eyes fixed on his companion. "And he should consider. I had him chained. Immobilised. If all of this was simply for my own benefit, Raito-kun, I would be fucking you at this very moment."
"Ryuuzaki!" Raito exclaims, shocked at the unexpected profanity. Desperately trying to ignore the thrill of arousal that tingles through him, despite himself.
"I'm just saying, Raito-kun. If I wanted to, I would have."
"So – why didn't you?" Raito wonders if he should even be opening that can of worms, but he's tired and he's confused and more than anything, he wants to understand.
"I have already told Raito-kun my reasoning. I wanted him to like what we do. I have no wish to antagonise him. Raito-kun and I need to be able to pursue our life together in reasonable amicability and that will not be furthered by my forcing him to engage in activities he does not find acceptable."
"But the other things we've done –"
"Raito-kun has accepted those things. They are what he wants from me, whether he admits it to himself or not. So it seems best to me that we shall continue to find mutual satisfaction in areas that do not involve penetrative sex."
"But isn't that what you want, Ryuuzaki?"
"I would have liked it," L says, rather wistfully. "But I have liked everything with Raito so far. I feel very fortunate to have someone so beautiful and intelligent to share my bedtime activities with."
Raito stares through the darkness, several realisations dawning on his mind at the same time. He becomes aware that he is listening to the nearest thing to a declaration of affection that the socially-challenged detective is capable of making. He realises that, as he'd suspected earlier in the day, he doesn't mind at all that L is another man. And he notices that L is near enough that Raito can feel his body heat and wants him nearer still. He reaches out and winds one arm around L's shoulders, the other around his waist and pulls him close.
"Goodnight, Ryuuzaki," Raito murmurs, kissing the other man's cheek.
"Goodnight, Raito," L replies, eyes wider than Raito has ever seen them as the detective returns the kiss then lays his head next to the boy's, their noses nearly touching.
Raito lets his mind wander back to the time he spent in his cell. How he waited and longed for the sound of L's voice. How it soothed him, even though all it did was accuse him. How he had begged and pleaded to be released, to work on the case; to be with L. Was this what he'd wanted all along? This kind of closeness with his captor? This – relationship? He sighs and nods, agreeing with himself. It's what he wants. L is right. He knows what Raito wants and has given it to him. Now it just remains to make sure that the duplicitous detective wants it just as much.