As I predicted --- DL Diamond, the mad man who the Warden hired decidedly to 'tighten' morale around here has set off the whole damn prison in a, a... mass psychosis! Who could honestly be swayed by this mumbo jumbo... th-this blasphemy! Well, besides prison inmates, which would make sense--- and well, a naive, starry eyed Warden? Who ever heard of a Warden so ---Willy Wonka-Esq? Its... He's...

Just mad. Mad, mad, mad. So mad in fact, his insanity reaches anything and everything he touches---every time he smiles at the bars of the cells and at the inmates and at that damn Alice, his lip trembling as he bites it nervously--- in anticipation, for gods sake, of that--- DL Diamond person. Its like the Warden enjoys being in a prison setting. He's not only mad, he's quite... well...

Shit, maybe he's the only reason I'm alive, well, living right now.

If it weren't for this job, and this life, and this man, I would probably be on the damned streets, coughing and asking people for quarters---no! Pennies! Scraping up to score some more heroin or---

No. I'm pa-past that. Past that!

My thoughts jar loose and slip into my stomach, giving it a slightly queasy, drooping feeling as I realize the Warden is pulling me off somewhere.

"Oh, dearest me! It's really true! We're really gonna meet DL Diamond In Person!" He's jumping, almost hopping, as he speaks, and I try to maintain my self control. I really just want to vomit, or run away. I'm so damn nervous. I'm sweating like a rain forest after a thunderstorm. Wow, what a horrible simile. Aha. I sneak a smile, a nervous little twitch of my mouth. Sometimes he makes me smile.

The door cracked open, and just then I realized Alice was accompanying us. How wonderful.

"How splendiferous! Mr. Diamond, it's so good to meet you finally in person!" The Warden gushed, his toothy grin twitching, his hands all wobbly. I even saw some sweat on his brow. Wow. He really likes this character, DL, doesn't he?

"I have all of your tapes." The Warden pulls them out of his pant pocket (I think?), letting them fall to the ground in a nervous click-click-click of plastic.

I pick them up hastily. So, so, so, so SO MUCH TO DO!

I notice an awkward shyness in The Warden, catching in his eye as he listens to DL speak. Its positively manic the way he's smiling right now. Its... its... like how the Warden looks at...

Alice?

What the fuuuuuuuuuuuc------

"You don't have this one." DL replies gruffly, his voice all deep and scratchy. Th-then.. he pulls it out of his underwear, For Christ's Sake! How did I not notice that was all he had on! JESUS!

He throws it, bouncing off of my head as it fell into my hands.

I hear, 'Put this on the Superjail sound system...' and 'Hey, midget, go get me some fresh brew,' or something.

He really, really infuriates me! But I'm really glad to get outta there.

--

Oh, oh, oh my god.

Something terrible... Just TERRIBLE just happened!

Well... not terrible, just... HORRENDOUS! I hate to break such news to the Warden!

I walked in to give that Diamond character his alcohol like he asked, when---

When I opened the door there he was--- it was---

No makeup (Well, makeup IS creepy on a man anyway!), no hair, no teeth! Scratches and burns everywhere! It looked like he was boneless, almost, like his body would collapse in on him at any moment! I mean, I guess I shouldn't be so harsh... a man wants to look good for all his adoring, idiotic fans, right?

It doesn't mean he's a phony... Oh what am I kidding! Of course he is!

And what's more, just before I went in, I almost believed his crazy scheme could solve my years of depression!

I must tell the Warden!

Must, must, must!

--

"Oh, Jared, you know," The Warden began, fiddling with his bow tie, "Its probably a costume, you saw how handsome he was. I mean, are we looking at the glass half empty again, are we?" He repeated the 'are we?' twice, the second time was all loopy and high sounding, like he was really, really happy and nothing could change it. He wriggled his eyebrows and twirled his cane above my head.

"Na..No Sir. I'm.. I just think... well.. we shouldn't be spending such an exorbitant amount of money on--"

"I don't much care--"

"Don't ya see, what you see when he's on stage IS the costume, he's a phony, a fraud and he wants your money, not your well-being, or well, you." I blurted. A strange blast of shock splattered opon my bosses face; and I immediately knew I had drawn the line----and crossed it easily.

"Phony." The Warden said icily, with a hint of mocking, and god dammit, did it sting. "Don't bother to follow me." He glared and walked off.

I had to go to the damn show now. I had to set things right. I had all the evidence against DL; and ---

I had to set things straight. No pun intended.

"Wa-wait Warden, please!" I yelled louder than I intended.

I saw him stop a moment.

I ran quickly, but then he started to walk off again.

"Ah, Warden... please wait up for me!"

No answer.

"I'm, ah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it, you know, I'm just so NERVOUS! I'm so worried about you, he might try to destroy you and take all your money or something! Please!"

"Destroy...." The Warden paused. "Me?"

"I-- uh..."

"HAH! That's a HOT one, Jared. Come along, we'll be late." The Warden chuckled, apparently in a lighter mood now.

Just a madman.

Before we go into the auditorium, he pulls me over to a corner. I start sweating like a bastard, as I notice the Warden's pleading look.

"Well, Jared, you better nauuught say this, not even to Alice," He blew a raspberry, "You know women," He winks and I nod to appease him, "I sort of ...well, I......" He trailed off.

"Wh-what sir?"

He leaned in really close, so close in fact, I nearly vomited on myself.

"I.... think I have a tiny, ency wincy little... crush."

I chuckled, relieved that it was something simple, but for some reason, I blushed. I shook it off and began to speak. "Ah Warden, that's nothing to be worried about. Crushes are perfectly normal. You know, I--"

"Bu-uut..." He wagged his finger at me like someone would a child. "Its not normal." the Warden looked up, his hand under his chin thoughtfully. He shook his head. "Well, not normal for me, that is."

Jesus, save me. I was sweating so hard, I just knew I was dehydrated.

Just then, over the intercom, an announcement was called. "THE SHOW WILL START IN FIVE SECONDS!"

"Come on, AHHH! It's starting!" The Warden screamed in his laughter, trailing ahead of me like a purple blob as he ran in.

I didn't think another second on the Warden's words as I followed the bright, rainbow trail. Yes, there was a rainbow from where he walked, like an imprint. Jesus.

Maybe I'm mad.