I know I skipped out on DL's final night here--- but I am really just too damn angry to spell it out. I mean, I'll get over it, there's been worse going's on here at Superjail, but, but it's just that the Warden can be so dense sometimes. He blamed me---blames me for almost everything that goes wrong around here. Its--uh, argh! Very frustrating. I just try to help...
What I'm really worried about is that I might get back on drugs again. Well--- see, DL said that he was going to take everyone to see the 'Galactoids', (who by the way I'm not sure if that was apart of the hallucination of the drugs or something real when I saw them and their spaceship hovering above--ah run on sentence--), and handed out this 'magical' dust. I wasn't really paying attention until I saw what was up, and what they were giving all of the inmates and our precious Warden. It was most likely some angel dust or cocaine, I don't know, and thinking back, it might have been laced too. The Warden followed as soon as I tested it (Don't know how or why I thought that was a good idea!)... and---
I just really hope I don't go back to drugs again. I don't think I will. I hope I won't.
And even though I almost never get a real apology from the Warden, or even a note of sympathy,
I'm sure he doesn't mean it. I'm sure he doesn't.
Sure.
Sympathy.
The next day, when I went into his office to talk to him about usual business, it was thick with silence, so thick, I might have choked. He was hidden under his hands, sobbing quietly and oddly it was a rare moment of humility for him ---human-like--- and all I could do was just stand there. He seemed to be lost in the thick haze for a few moments until he realized someone else was in the room with him. When he looked at me, it was with an edge of desperation. What the desperation meant, or who it was for, or anything about it really, seemed not to matter to him at the moment--- for red blotches of what seemed like terror etched into his features, terror of something so private that I had stumbled upon. His eyes were bloodshot and dark, his familiar laugh lines deepened like permanent cavernous tombs, his hair frazzled and his hands trembling like a god damn rickety wagon on a cobblestone street. I have no idea what I looked like--- I'm sure I was sweating a puddle beneath my feet at that point.
"Gooaa-Gosh Darn it! Ge-get outtaa here Jaaared!" He rasped, anger mounting just enough to make me jump out of my skin. Before he could say another word, I closed the door as quietly as my nerves would let me, then ran to my own office. I saw Alice on the way and asked her in a choking voice not to go in there for a while, my hand pointing in The Warden's general vicinity. She grunted, but you could tell she didn't care either way.
Her indifference pissed me off, I bet if she saw what I saw she'd give the same, vague look she always gives. That---Thing---doesn't deserve his constant worship.
Something's bothering me, and its not the fact that my heart is pounding like a jack hammer, and that Alice is unconcerned or even curious of the Warden's welfare, its something I can't put my finger on.
Sympathy.
I keep dwelling on it---
I keep telling myself--
That the smile that gleams upon my face---
Is just an act--
And he doesn't provoke anything resembling--
Happiness---
To me--
I keep on telling myself---
It's just not meant to be--
To be- to be- to be
I keep on telling myself---
Its only
A single
Involuntary
Twitch
A dysfunction of my nerves
And muscles
Nothing more
To dwell on
---Happiness---
But I tend to dwell anyway
On
A single pulse that roars
In Madness,
An intense
Euphoria
That
Shines in his eyes
Evil
Is what I want to think
But his madness
Is madness
I think
I drink
In
Like
The finest wine
----Its just a twitch
I'm sure-------